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TriniteeParticipantHi Alessa,
thanks for thinking of me and for reaching out! ❤️
Yes, I agree with you. A parent functions as a way to soothe their child’s nervous system because they lack the resources to do it themselves, whereas adults are responsible for their own emotions.
Yes, I think it’s good to have that in mind when dealing with adults. Because sometimes we deny our own needs in order not to “hurt” the other person. But with some people, that might be a trap. There is a very good quote that I’ve read somewhere: “The only people who get upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having them.”
Some people will get offended if we start taking care of our own needs and perhaps saying no to some of their demands. They might feel hurt or angry. But it’s not our responsibility to “soothe” them – they should learn to accept that other people have needs too.
You raise a good point about enduring bad behaviour. I think it’s complicated.
There aren’t a lot of truly healthy people in the world who can maintain good behaviour even under significant levels of stress.
Alongside the healthy people you have people who can express healthy behaviours most of the time, but make mistakes when they are extremely stressed.
Actually, when I was talking about bad behavior, I didn’t necessarily mean someone who loses their temper occasionally, when they are under a lot of stress. Rather, I was talking about toxic behavior, where the person does hurtful things, and either denies it, or minimizes it, or even blames you for it. Basically, refusing to take responsibility for their actions.
Or as you said, there are also people who behave badly, and then when called out they apologize, but then they do it again and again. No change of behavior. So it’s like a false promise that they would change.
I think it’s really important to communicate difficulties and understand whether or not people are willing to work on issues. But not just willing, actively working on it because you don’t want to be in a position where people say the right thing but don’t actually make an effort to change behaviours. Change can take some time though, because it’s not an easy process. It’s also important to have realistic expectations.
Yes, I agree it’s important to communicate, and hopefully the person is open to our perspective, and is willing to hear us. As for the people who are promising to change, yes, you’re right, they would need to back it up with some action.
I’ve heard a good tip from a psychologist: if someone has a drinking problem, for example, they would need to be willing to go to AA meetings or to therapy. That would be a sign they’re really willing to change, otherwise those are just empty words.
So yeah, be patient, but also, be realistic. I think that’s kind of the golden rule 🙂
TriniteeParticipantHi SereneWolf,
I have good news. I finally got a full-time job. Fully remote. as I wanted. In my field. Finally, so many months of stress and anxiety is no more, and I feel like I can actually breath.
Wow, such great news! Fully remote job, in your field – exactly what you wanted. Congratulations, SereneWolf, this is a big achievement!
How is it now, a bit over a month since you’ve got the job? Do you still like it? 🙂I can resonate with that. How’s your heath now?
Ahh, it’s always a struggle. Some of my health problems got worse, some got a tiny bit better. But those are chronic issues, they’re not going away, I’m afraid. The only thing I can do it try to manage them, do whatever is in my power to help myself, and leave the rest to God, or the universe…
No. She always used to say that I won’t suffer before my death. and that’s what happened. She didn’t suffer. cardiac arrest in sleep.
Oh, that’s tough for those who stay behind. It must have been a pretty big shock for all of you… I’m sorry, SereneWolf 🙁 So you didn’t have time to say goodbye or anything like that?
I’m pretty sure its active. Like you know even though now I got a job now I still feel like that’s complex. it’s bigger company now role is lil bit more complex you have to do this and that? would you even be able to handle? and I feel like not competent enough and feel overwhelmed, I didn’t even start yet I feel like that. and I don’t know why but this sometimes out of nowhere this feeling of “don’t mess this one” So instead actually be in the present and start learning and unfold with time I sometimes feel that fear and anxiety.
And another thing because of job stress I wasn’t even thinking about relationship side but now I suddenly this feeling, wave of loneliness. it’s make me doomscroll for hours just so I can distract myself
I hear you… I’m very familiar with the situation where one acute problem is gone, but another one quickly replaces it, and so I start worrying about that one.
What I’ve learned in the past few years is that anxiety is almost like an entity, a state of the nervous system that we’re accustomed to, that we’re familiar with (fight-or-flight). And because of that, we’ll always find something to worry about.
Even if things seem fine at the moment, we might start worrying that it won’t last, like you’re now worrying that you better not mess this up. I think it’s because anxiety is your “baseline”, and unfortunately your mind (and your nervous system) immediately go there.
Also, it could be that since your main worry (finding a proper job) has been alleviated, a space has opened up for other worries to come in, such as you starting worrying about the relationship. It’s like the level of anxiety in your system stays the same, but the theme changes: now it’s not primarily about the job, but it includes other topics, such as romantic relationship.
Do you think this could be the case?
Yes I’ve been resting. Its much better now I think.
Happy to hear about that! I hope it was a one-time issue and won’t return!
Btw, this is my new account. I felt it was time to freshen things up and do an upgrade 🙂 But all my posts are still visible and no part of our conversation is lost. So I hope it won’t cause you any trouble!
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