Dear Anita,

“Dear gen Z, Millennial, not lazy 99-Seaturtle:”

hahaha

“he talks the talk, but doesn’t walk the walk.”

I am glad to now know what that looks like to avoid it 🙂

“particularly after reading N’s recent talk, I think that he is deceptive, deceiving himself and those who listen to him.”

I agree with this.

“You want deceptive men to be proud of you..? “

When you put it this way…

“– caring for and listening to a deceptive man (“It takes me longer to stop listening because my heart still cares“), makes the lid over the 3rd eye very heavy, heavier and heavier the longer you listen to him.”

-It truly, truly does.

“I think that the 1st quote applies to N, and the fourth perfectly applies to you, in regard to not having seen N as he is, 3rd eye having been closed.”

I agree, a waste of energy!

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I have pondered more on where this tiredness “laziness” came from.

He probably began to think I was lazy before I stopped working for Verizon, because the reason I was let go was because I took too much time off, and my Christmas break home was the last straw and I chose to go, knowing I would likely get fired. I called out of work a lot while I worked there, when friends came to town I prioritized a lot of things over work, friends, events, my fatigue. The job was draining socially for me, although in Seattle I was able to do the job with a great amount of energy, it wasn’t until simultaneously living with N and working here in AZ that it started to be too much for me. Had my third eye been opened then I would have/should have found a way to find meaning at the job. I don’t think changing my environment was the answer it was changing something in me, but at the time I didn’t know what that was and I was too tired to think about it. I want to avoid getting this tired again and fully understand why that happened. Why was I so tired. Was it the perception of events around me that got me tired? Or is there truth in the idea that being an empath means you take on others energies and perhaps N’s chasing of money and property immediately after arriving here was such a low vibration it dragged me down? I do not want to blame him to bring myself comfort, but I do believe he exhausted me in some way, and I allowed it to happen for some reason… Or maybe it has nothing to do with him and my car getting stolen and incompatibility with my new coworkers was the problem that I brought home, negativity.

not lazy Seaturtle

The last I had heard from N was that my stuff was gone and I was blocked. After that, I spoke with you of my trajectory to move on from the whole thing and accept I wouldn’t be seeing him, likely ever again. Then last monday I get a text from him in the middle of the day, saying he wanted closure and to talk if I would be willing to get a coffee or “at least a phone call.” I said I was available for a coffee, but that my sister A would be in town until Sunday so I could meet him then, he said ok.

• After this event, I was flooded with nervous energy. I witnessed my lower vibrational self, solely my sacral and heart chakras lighting up. My thoughts were jumping all over the place from maybe he has changed and we could work.
• The next morning I woke up clearer, my third eye woke up and my sacral and heart had mellowed down enough for me to hear my higher vibrational self. Realizing it was an illusion that he had changed and the way I would show up to seeing him, would be to give him closure if I could but overall hold to the fact I had no regrets with the breakup and did not want to get back together.

On wednesday evening he texts me again saying he is not sure if meeting will be good or not because he has nothing positive to say.

• I was frustrated that I had to see that message right before I was about to go to sleep after a great day with my sister. Why now? I thought, my sister is here and he knows that, how selfish. But then I felt on some level that since I was selfish with ending the relationship, maybe he was allowed to be selfish too. I responded telling him it was up to him, that I had no intentions to blame him and make him feel badly, that my only intention was to grow, and the fact meeting would be so uncomfortable, we both had an opportunity to grow. I also said I did not want to enter a situation where he was only going to show me contempt. He asked me “why didn’t you break up with me a year ago” I began to respond but then erased my reply and said I would talk about it on sunday, it was 10pm and I wanted to go to sleep. He said he wouldn’t show contempt and wanted to grow too and asked me to pick a cafe since I knew better..

Saturday evening I send him the location of the cafe and say “11:30?” he responds with a long message full of contempt. Saying “actually I’m gonna pass…I just can’t get over how much of a selfish asshole you are”

• I did my best to relax, so that I did not hold anything in, as I did with the “you have no clue what love is” conversation. I responded as centered as I could, saying “it is fine with me not to meet, I was doing it for you, not for me.” after I said that I realized that it was for me too but I didn’t want to go back. He sent another hateful message, then another. he said “I read your retarded poem a thousand times” I had my sister take my phone and she read another message, I saw her flinch with sadness and she asked “can I just delete this? you shouldn’t read it.” I thought about it then said yes, just delete it all and block him. She did, such an awesome sister right!?
• The next day I went to the cafe after dropping her off at the airport, and I am not sure if this was a good idea or not, but I unblocked him just long enough to send him one last message, after all those messages the night before that I did not engage in. Then immediately blocked him again so that he couldn’t respond, I had read enough of his hate and held back from saying things I wanted to for him but why?
• I said: You used another opportunity to just show me contempt, just as you said you wouldn’t. You operate at such a low vibrational level, keeping yourself stuck in this survival world where you create your own torment and push light, love and vulnerability out of your life. The bottom of the pyramid where you insist you need to be, is operated by your ego, which fears growth/change. You require certain circumstances to just be present, you cannot just be, and that is not a life I wanted to live with you. The very fact you don’t have the mental strength and depth to see me today is the true reason I broke up with you. It was a mistake to leave that poem, I should have known you weren’t deep enough to understand at what level of control I was speaking. Ironic you once told me I was uncomfortable with being uncomfortable but really you are. It is harder to be aware of my demons and check my ego. You are so full of sadness and anger and it shows (during and after knowing you). C (his roommate) operated at an even lower level than you and that is why I couldn’t even stand to be near him, and why I didn’t want to live there. In the first year we were together your vibration was higher, but I think that was just apart of your honeymoon phase self, that fell lower and lower as we fell into what real life would be like. Perhaps also contributing is your heavy weed addiction that is spiritually known to bring you to a lower sense of self, blocking out truth. I loved a version of you that will never actually be. I loved you so much but you have dragged me down for the last time. So congratulations you have completely pushed the last bit of love and light out of your life because I am done trying to help you.

Then I got home from the cafe and he was at my door.

He began the conversation by flustering me, asking me a money question. For some reason the hospital called him about my surgery, which he was not my emergency contact so I have no idea why. They told him I still owed some of the co-pay and N had previously helped me pay for it so he was asking me all these questions about where the money went. The same sort of questioning as at the grocery store, it makes me anxious when I am questioned and consequentially makes me not really remember what happened. Him showing up at my home and starting the conversation trying to make me uncomfortable is literally all the validation I need I do not want to be with him and I am so happy I am not.

Things he said in person :

– I think you want to care but you don’t know how

– I hope you don’t turn out like your mom, she is a weird lady.

– he thought my sister calling him by mistake, was on purpose.. me trying to get his attention

– He cried telling me he would have taken a bullet for me

– told me his friend, D, the one who I liked and he knows that, told me multiple times that D now hates me.

– You have alot to learn about the world and that is something I worried about with you cause I can’t teach you everything…

• I think he was referring to my comment how I am not driven by money and property in this world. And also his ability to withstand physical discomfort… which yes, I am only now seeing the benefits to not try and control a moment, and he was also referring to that.

– “I think you lack life experience”

Overall, being in person was strange. We made alot of eye contact, which I am surprised he was able to. I also expected him to come to me with anger and hate… but instead he put up a very sad front. Began the conversation with things like “you just think everything is my fault” just poor me poor me, type of statements. When he did this, it shut me up… it had this affect on me where I didn’t say things that were reasons I didn’t want to be with him, because I felt like he would just say “I told you so, of course it is all my fault.”: In other words I didn’t say truth because he wouldn’t of even heard it and when I don’t think a person will even hear something I just am quiet, what’s the point. I found myself trying to defend the way I broke up with him, that I felt bad it was so quick. But the next day over text I was able to express “it was quick because if you would have had a second to show me your sad self, I would have wanted to make you feel better. Also interesting is after he left, I found myself wanting to want to go after him… like the image of it seemed like it would have made him so happy, but it wouldn;t have made me happy so I didn’t. When I speak with you, my sister, my parents, my roommate, truly most people, I find it natural to raise the vibrations of the environment, stimulating things like growth, deeper conversation and just playful curiosity about the world. These parts of me felt blocked in his presence… I was not able to let my light shine. This is how it was in the relationship as well, I felt dimmed and I couldn’t understand why. I still wonder why I didn’t feel my bright self when he was there, I tried to access it but it didn’t feel accessible and I really want to understand why that is. We had regular conversation about how our families were doing and such, and that made me comfortable and I wanted him to stay. But I still felt like he could not really see me because I didn’t feel like myself..

Over text the next day:

– he brought up a time he was vulnerable with me, one of very very few, so few in fact I remember it vividly and I didn’t know how to respond, he said he was uncomfortable so I tried to help move the conversation to another topic. He told me I hurt his feelings in that moment. The next day we continued a text thread cause both of us had more to say that being in person didn’t lead to, told him I value exploring myself and he didn’t and he said  “I was also trying to explore myself. it took me two years to tell you something about myself that I’ve never told anyone. I got a pat on the back and it was onto the next conversation” I said that is not what I meant by “journey to understand myself” that “I am talking about all the questions I would ask. Like why do I think this way, why did you react that way, what is the disconnect here?…questions like that was me trying to grow and I feel like you thought my questions were stupid. But like what sucks is I feel that is one of the best parts about me is that I am so curious, and I swear it just annoyed you” and he said “I love curiosity. Maybe I didn’t want to grow” Then he went on to just say I hurt his feelings with my reaction to his vulnerability that one time. He said:

– “you hurt my feeling sin that moment. You’ve hurt my feelings many times not often, but it did happen. But you always just had “great” excuses. whenever I hurt your feelings my excuses or intentions did not matter and were unacceptable, all that mattered was you and how you felt in that moment” I responded: ” I feel so bad that I hurt your feelings in that moment. I am so sorry” then in another message “When you hurt my feelings it didn’t feel lke you were trying to look at yourself, it felt like you were trying to justify yourself and there is a difference. There’s a difference ebtween taking defensiveness away and being able to pause and consider “why am I doing this?” versus “how do I make this make sense to them.”

– He replied: “that is a clear difference…I struggle with what does or doesn’t have control over me in this world, and i think there is not way around said situation because “ive been controlled” thus my excuse. realizing i let these things control me was the first step in the right direction.”

• after I read this I felt confused, not fulling understanding how that related to justifying his behaviors rather than looking at himself… does this message read “lost” to you?

-He said “when I met you I was at a pretty good place with myself, but we went thru a lot of struggling things and we decided to take on some challenges and I lost myself a bit.” Then he went on to say how quickly I broke up with him was heartless…

• I need your help here Anita. Because seeing into this conversation is to see into how it was to talk to him in the relationship, it is like he is not fully understanding what I am saying, his responses feel superficial compared to where I am coming from and it is confusing. I feel like talking to him really challenges my third eye to stay open. When he was at my apartment talking I felt blocked in my third eye. How it was in the relationship too, we talk and I feel like he has this gravitational pull about him to come to the more superficial world and it makes me lose what I was saying.

– I responded to all that, “on the first part, nothing controls you…in the present moment there is not pain, there is nothing but just simply being and life. Any sort of pain is caused by past and present, which don’t even exist they only bring grief and anxiety. Nothing controls you and that’s why life is actually so cool.” He didn’t respond to this portion. Reading it back I think my intention behind saying this was to try and raise the vibration, because his last message was an attempt to drag me down, he went on and on about the heartless breakup and again how I don’t know what love is. I acknowledged his obvious comments, “the breakup wasn’t meant ot be out of love, it was self preservation. Because I came to the conclusion that I didn’t feel seen or protected by you. At the breakup I mentioned the cash at the store and the c-word incident and when you couldn’t apologize for either I felt giving you my heart would have been disrespectful to myself”

– He said: “Exactly so the c word incident is what I was trying to show you an example of in reference to the first part of your response, why are you letting a little bit of vibrational air have so much control over your feelings that was my whole point in the care ride.. And the cash you actaully might be crazy for that one (two laughing emojis)”

– my last long reply: Ok you are going down to that lower vibration with this message and I will only tolerate so much of that… the c word wasn’t about the hot air. it was the fact my potential future husband was doing something repettively that made me uncomfortable. who cares if it is valid to feel uncomfortable about it, what matters is why? why couldn’t you just be the one person out of this nasty world not to try to make me uncomfortable. On the cash, the fact you call me crazy on it is the whole issue. You are refusing to look at yourself, there was an undertone of energy there no matter how much you deny it… I can tell when there is more to what someone is saying and you are in so much denial, that is what is crazy”

– All he said after that whole message was “ok”

– I then said “he still can’t apologize I’m shocked” “Let’s just end this cycle now and say our goodbyes on a good note” and we did.

A novel by Seaturtle!

Dear Anita,

I have thought of you several times over the past couple weeks. A lot has happened, my sister was here for a week, I have been spending many mornings doing a course with the author of the Untethered soul, on audible. It makes me have to look within, like our conversations and I think I can only take one or the other right now. I’d like to come here to catch-up with you very soon, I am still deciding how I feel about certain recent events. N reached out, wanted to meet, then canceled and changed his mind several times till I decided to block his number and then he showed up at my apartment on Sunday. So I am still processing that, I got some closure but im starting to think closure is an illusion because it is only temporary and I wish I said other things already. I was disappointed in how I fell into a pattern with him, but at least my growth is represented by my ability to see it the following day. He does this thing where he approaches me sad and makes me feel like I want to comfort him…even if it is not telling the whole truth. For example I am so sure he’s not right for me, he is just too out of touch. But while he was here I found myself not saying things or saying things in ways that I knew he wanted to hear.. at the time I was unaware of what I was doing. Now that I know I do this if I ever see him again I will keep that in mind. He also just showed up unannounced and that was unfair to catch me off guard. Also he still claims he was joking at the store when asking me about the cash, and in that moment I realized how good of a decision I made by leaving someone so out of touch, and in so much denial. He blamed a lot of our issues on his weed used which I had no idea he was aware of cause when prompted he said he used it to self medicate anxiety so I just accepted that. He also said I was right all along of his roommate! I always told him I did not trust his roommate and sure enough he recently lied and stole from N. N kept saying he’s just too nice of a guy… that he falls for peoples lies, including mine when I told him I loved him. I think even he knows that’s self preservation thought because several times he said he wanted to hate me so bad. He got emotional but I am not sure the intentions behind the tears because the result was me not being able to tell the full truth, that I was in fact sure I made the right decision.

More tomorrow when I am more conscious. I meant to come here just to check in but I ended up writing a little journal entry. Have a good night!

Seaturtle (misses Anita)

Dear Anita,

“Of all the people who were physically present in my life and with whom I interacted (unlike let’s say a historical/ political figure that caused destruction in millions of lives, including mine, but I was never in that person’s physical presence), no one bothered to put in the time and effort that my mother bothered to put into making me feel bad.”

• Of course I am now curious about this political figure and how you grew up! I don’t know if it appropriate to ask. As for your mother, looking at the glass half full, I am glad to hear no one else made you feel that way.

“because it flattered him that a much younger guy wanted to get to know him, to learn from him perhaps, as an admiring mentee?”

• Actually yes. If my partner wants nothing from my father, and only wants me, I am not sure how that will play out, but I will deal with it then!

“it could be that he was following a rigid rule, that he was responsible to keep you away from guys only until the age of 18.”

• This is what it felt like, he never had a reason that I remember making sense to me.

“But by the time you turned 18, he was in a new romantic relationship (with his current girlfriend..?), and that’s when he stopped being.. inappropriately possessive of you.”

• I do think he was inappropriately possessive, but I don’t think it had an affect whether or not he had a girlfriend because he treated my younger sister similarly while he was with a girlfriend. Although what is interesting and honestly so sad, he told me and my youngest sister about our outfits being inappropriate, but we have another sister in the middle of us that my dad didn’t do that with. She coped with our home life by secluding herself and binge eating, she had an eating disorder for a long time and was quite over weight because of it. I find it sad and strange that my dad did not have the same clothing rules for her. That sister brought it to my attention that he didn’t care what she wore, she asked me why once and I did not have an answer for that.

” I don’t know what F wanted from you.. an ever-lasting admiration, a.. kind of love that’s not appropriate for a father to demand from his daughter..?”

• He doesn’t understand what is appropriate and what is not. I don’t think his intentions were incestuous in any way, if told that he would be stunned at the accusation. I am trying to understand where his inappropriate behavior came from, it’s like he created his own rules in his head and just believed they were correct, no question. He would never admit to fully being wrong, it’s always something with him.

“this could be about F’s inappropriate possessiveness of you pre-18, his attention to your clothes being too revealing= his attention to your revealed feminine body, and how awkward and self-conscious it made you feel at the time.”

• This is a good point, because the awkwardness I have felt is the same feeling when he would point something out. It has taken me many years to be able to wear clothing that flatters my body without feeling dirty and awkward.

“yes, I remember, and it no longer sounds superficial to me, not when I think of N being chronically numb as the reason behind him not being able to laugh (or compliment you, or elaborate about his feelings.. or freely dance..?)”

• Funny you say this, he was not able to do any of those things naturally. They all felt forced but I didn’t want him to never do it again so I just took the job of making it seem more natural by just being vulnerable back.

I read the beginning of your next post and saw your warning about the length and depth so I will respond in a separate message. As I feel ready to read it I am excited.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Do you remember when I commented about N’s lack of humor, and it still sounds superficial that I say it but to put it into perspective, last night I laughed more with M and the friends I met than I can ever remember laughing with N. I would love for my partner to be someone I can dance and laugh with, but I also want to be careful to not have too many standards/expectations.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,
<p class=”p1″>“And an obsession cannot get satisfied with logic. I don’t want to fuel this obsession, if that’s what it is.”</p>

• I hope I haven’t crossed into obsession. I am aiming towards the direction of not entertaining thoughts of him, and although I’ve made a lot of progress I think I can give myself grace as to those thoughts still surfacing. I will do my best to keep mindful of these thoughts and not partake and know it will slowly vanish. I’ve experienced losing a love before and I remember the pain but I also remember that it did pass/fade and I trust this will too in its right timing. But I can “discuss N only in the context of you understanding yourself more.”

• I want to acknowledge your message about the two reasons the ship has sailed for you. I agree

<p class=”p1″>“- I do not recommend (lol) volunteering to get stuck in anyone’s web of contempt. I grew up stuck in a web of contempt (my mother’s)- NOT FUN!”</p>

• Did you ever fall into a relationship with a person who showed you the same contempt as your mother?

<p class=”p1″>“- I am here for this journey of yours”</p>

• I am happy to read this 🙂

<p class=”p1″>“- I think that F recognized that N is similar to himself, and this why F- who discouraged you from having boyfriends previously- encouraged your relationship with N. Andin regard to the tiny little plant popping out of the earth, it is you, Seaturtle, popping out and growing big time!”</p>

• I hadn’t thought of F being aware of their similarity but now that I recall some conversations I can see that is true.
• Dear Retroactive awareness, I am excited for you to become “active”
• So my dad may not approve of a partner for me that he doesn’t understand? It may be a fantasy but I feel my dad will support someone I choose, proof of that is actually a relationship I had at 18 with a guy opposite to my dad in many ways and was 24. I recognize the age gap now but at 18 it didn’t feel far. Anyways my dad agreed to spend time with him alone when he wanted to get to know my dad, and once I turned 18 my dads restrictions suddenly stopped. He suddenly no longer cared where I was or how long I was gone. That is unless it was too my mothers home for what felt like too long to him.  Now that I recall, He would accuse me of using him quite often. If I spent too long at my moms he said he felt like he was just a bank to me… and there is a similarity here with N too. When it happened with two people, I started to wonder if it was me, leading to the “am I a narcissist”aka “is it me and I’m blind and don’t know how to love” question.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“- yes, it’d be sticky and stressful to get caught in a spider-web of contempt.”

• As I read this I again foresaw the potential feelings it would cause. “sticky” and eating at my energy, it would definitely be a low vibrational space to enter and I would feel this trying to pull me down, aware or not, very sticky.

“As far as N’s maturity, M is correct: he acts immaturely, at least post-breakup.”

• Noticing that I see myself get defensive whenever ‘I sense that something suggests’ (my personal bias) that N was mature in the relationship. Suggesting that I left a good situation, makes me feel self doubt. I am not saying this to impact how you phrase things I am just stating some self awareness.

I wrote: “A Teflon person like N and F, they claim to be simple, proud of their lack of needs, yet this is a complexity in itself..“- “lack of needs” and you replied: “? I am at a loss here.”

• They are proud of their ability to teflon. For example if I said something negative to N, whether it was that I don’t appreciate how he is late, or that I don’t like his outfit (I didn’t say things like this to him but I am trying to say whether the negativity was constructive or not it was tefloned) he would ignore my negative comment and continue with his day, aka teflon it. Whether that meant ignoring a rude comment (a positive teflon) or ignoring how his his use of the c-word made me feel (a negative teflon). And not only would he teflon it, but I think, he would be proud of his tefloning, proud he didn’t allow it to make him feel anything or affect his actions, proud he didn’t give anyones perceptions any control over him, including looking inward.

“- this has been N’s MO all along, hasn’t it? You’d tell him (as kindly and well-intentioned as can be): you are X (X being something requiring improvement), and his response: you are X!.. not mature (pre-breakup)”

• Most of the time yes. I want to change my perspective on what a lifetime partner will look like, both lower and higher my standards for this person. One that is higher, is I desire someone who can look within when I make a comment about their intentions or views, I don’t want to expect them to see things the same way as I do, but I want them to have the ability to express their perspective, if they do not agree with mine. Another higher standard, is I want someone who is not afraid to be their genuine self with me, just raw with their thoughts and comments, as opposed to someone who is trying to be something, whether it is politically correct, or humorous, or any sort of motive other than authentically how they think and feel. They don’t have to be perfect at expressing this as I am still learning to be completely honest with myself, but N showed me what it was like to be with a partner who was not willing to even admit they were not being honest with themselves. Someone who knows why they are doing something, not just working a job to follow societies instructions, I want someone brave enough to bring something to the world rather than just want to be part of it. I am craving honest conversation after a lack with N. A lack probably pre-dating N.

“giving me the opportunity to correct and see you better.”

I have patience for this, and at least like to think that I can sense/see when someone is at least trying, which is just as good.

“gave me the opportunity to open my 3rd eye wider. You made me a wiser person, wiser than I was, that is.”

• Ditto 🙂

“– this fits with what you shared earlier, that you were an obedient child/ daughter.”

• I was until I wasn’t. My dad was so strict about what I wore, what I watched, who I spent my time with and how much. I was  told to change my clothes, in middle school and early highschool, if the clothes were flattering on me. I am saying even jeans and a sweater…the straight jeans, not even super tight, were too flattering from behind, he whispered it to my mom and she asked me to change (not agreeing with him but pretending she did). I began changing my clothes at school and was caught a couple times when my mom brought me lunch once and I didn’t have time to change back, I didn’t get in trouble for that but she definitely looked me up and down. “Disobedient.” I had my first boyfriend at 17 and my dad calculated the amount of hours I spent and if it came friday and he asked me to go out and do something, my dad would say no, based on if he was feeling the amount of hours were excessive or not. He once told me I had 7 hours a week… So I began to lie about my location. Then he tracked my phone, so I would leave my phone at friends house to go to a movie with my boyfriend. My dad told me I was “disobedient,” in many difference ways. Again not seeing me at all, that I did my best to obey but I did have a limit I thought he was ridiculous and I would prefer the discipline, usually grounded from my phone or leaving the house.

“- his housecleaning sessions were about him being self centered and selfish, not about you being these things.”

• And so were his outfit inspections, because god forbid he be uncomfortable in his own house.

“- there are excellent exercises in doing just that, part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). There are worksheets on the topic available online (I just checked).”

• I would like to do this. I have been attempting, with mild energy, to find therapy here. But I have this overwhelming feeling around it, of having to catch them up on my life.

“living with F, you tried to reach into F’s closed heart chakra, soften the rough interior there and remove the Teflon (maybe you forgot those efforts on your part). Fast forward, Teflon-minded N (with heart chakra difficulties) reminded you of F, awakening your motivation (hence the attraction) to reach out into N’s heart chakra, and remove his Teflon.”

• I am sure I have forgot some efforts I made to remove teflon, I can remember a few still, but F, when I made these attempts his response was as if he deserved it. Like I recognized his stress in meal prepping, so I meal prepped for him and instead of feeling my love he just acted like I owed that to him. Discouraging me from trying to do it again. The housecleaning was then all the things he deserved that I did not do.

” I think that N was/ is emotionally numb chronically, and his way of taking breaks from his chronic numbness is to put himself and others in situations that are physically risky.”

• I think so too. The other day I was thinking back to when I told him I loved him. I remember the day so clearly, I was shopping at michaels for some christmas decorations to brighten up his apartment. That morning was going to be our Christmas together before individually going to see our families. The night before I made him an apron, I collected these iron-on patches that reminded me of him and decided to put them all together on an apron, he is a really good cook (so is F, which was a strange similarity between them…) That night I decided to spell out, “I love you” on the apron, I obviously did love him, look what I was making him, that night I decided that I loved him. The next day, at Michaels, I was trying to decided how I was going to deliver this message, I wanted to tell him before he opened the gift. I decided that it would be accurate to tell him that I was falling in love with him, and as I was in that process I loved him. It may seem a strange way to say it, but my reasoning was that I couldn’t conclude that I was “in love” with him. I loved him like I love my friends and I was attracted to him, which made it a beyond friend love relationship. When I said that I was falling in love with him, and that I loved him, his face lit up and he responded “I love you too, I waited for you to say it first so not to pressure you.” In the moment and in the relationship, I saw that as a sweet response. But now that I know him better, my retrospective awareness wonders if that was really why he hadn’t told me he loved me, before me, it wasn’t to spare my feelings as he so kindly phrased it, it was out of fear that he chose not to say it before… his emotional numbness was there from the beginning but I couldn’t see it, it took feeling it after two years for me to see it. I can only imagine the greatness in a future relationship with a partner who can share emotions with me. F and N both told me that was too much to ask, so I did my best to lower my needs.

“- it’s hard for an emotionally numb person to compliment and flirt in any way that comes across as natural. When he tried, it came across icky.”

• Exactly, “unnatural.” It was moments like these that he would say something that was as if it were a performance and the performance was not even geared towards me.

“- because for him, being chronically numb… love is not a feeling…???”

• Exactly.

“We communicated for so long, often very long posts, that we.. or I end up going in circles sometimes. For example, on Oct 19 last year, I wrote about the “Teflon Mind (TM)” in regard to N. Fast forward to yesterday, March 7, I was back to the same concept, calling it “chronically numb“, going full circle”

• I see what you are saying. I like to see it as more of an upward spiral, it is like reading a dense book, and every time you re-read it you understand more, and recall things that stuck with you. Calling it “chronically numb” feels more satisfying to me because it sounds more unacceptable than Teflon Mind. Chronically Numb is more of what it felt like to me, “chronic,” he is not changing, a part of what Teflon Mind doesn’t quite capture for me. But anyways, I see that going in circles is beneficial to me, not to you, so I don’t wan to take you into circles with me. I may have some circles to still complete. However, since our text conversation, then having two weeks where I allowed my thoughts to consume me, it has brought me to a place of wanting to recognize my thoughts and not participate. I am on a new journey to let go, and cleanse my psyche of him, instead of allowing myself to regress.

Your whole last post copy and pasted:

“suddenly, this N guy appears in my mind and It’s like I had a vision of ripping a green vine off a branch, as if it was premature, and not ready to be discarded, and I listened to that vision and decided to give N one more chance” (July 29, 2023)-

– suddenly, this N guy appeared in your mind, and it was like you had a vision of making wine out of sour grapes?

The sour grapes being F’s/N’s inability to connect with you positively and genuinely?

In the image, it was premature to give up on creating a positive, genuine connection with F by proxy of N (N as a substitute for F), so you decided to give F one more chance (by proxy of N), and you ended up with an unpleasant tasting wine…?

• The vision wasn’t grapes, it was like a tiny little plant popping out of the earth that I was about to tear out of the ground before it could grow into… something that I thought could be fruitful. It is possible it was a second chance to F.. very possible.

Seaturtle