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MarkParticipantConnie,
He sounds very insecure with himself… He seems to ask you often how you feel about him… which sounds like he cannot accept or love himself. I sort of know what that feels like.. if he cannot love himself, he will constantly question how you could love him.. he will move close to you, question everything about himself, and then move away form you… until he gets to a point of self acceptance/love, he will constantly move back and forth emotionally.. In my case, it would not be about commitment as much as it would be a fear of someone realizing how truly worthless i am … (even if that reality is not true) It would affirm my own worthlessness.. Any little comment about anything you make.. he could work that into negative support of his own self image.. and you won’t even understated what you said or why he is suddenly distant… It is a terrible way to live .. for each of you… and for him, it dooms him (and anyone in relationship with him) to a cycle of emotional roller coasters. He needs to work on himself before he can be functional in a healthy relationship …
MarkParticipantThanks Valora,
We were supposed to go to her home country for the wedding initially… then her sisters changed the plans and we wound up paying for some of her family to come here. We bought international flights for her parents as well as two sisters and her brother and his wife… 6 flights of about 1500 each… I agreed as it was her first wedding and I wanted it to be so special for her. She hadn’t seen her family in 19 years. There was no discussion about her mom staying.. Her mom and her sisters came about 2 months before the wedding to “help” out. I have to say it was fun having them here and I enjoyed their company … then everyone except mom stayed. Mom had a visa for 6 months, so it was ok that she stay around for a few weeks longer… then there was a plan for her to visit and stay with cousins in NJ… that didn’t work, she was back in a few days… then she was going to stay with my wife’s daughter in VA.. that lasted about 2 weeks.. then she was going to live with some other family in France… she left, got sick, and came right back again… each time.. we agreed to a deadline for her to “visit” for a week or so at a time… but then.. she just stayed.. now .. she overstayed her visa, so if she leaves, she cant come back for ten years… my wife is trying to get her mom a green card.. so she can come and go… but this has turned into 2 years … and i feel like i have been taken advantage of.. its just feels like i have been capitulating for her the whole time.. giving in, over and over again…
MarkParticipantIt helps A lot Anita,.. just to feel heard, it is very much appreciated.
i am looking for a therapist who can help me walk this road… I am wistfully hoping that she will go with me to talk to someone.. but that isn’t really what is going to happen…. I guess I need to give her the ultimatum… her mom or her marriage… and see her true colors at that point.. I shied away from going there the other night when we were fighting about this … I felt that the conversation was heading that way and I stopped before it got to that point.. i was afraid of the truth.. that she really had this planned from the start and that is the real reason .. the only reason ….she married me to begin with…. that brings up all kinds of unlovable feelings and I am trying not to internalize this .. i don’t have much choice I guess.. although I know inside that I will still try to hang on as long as I can….
MarkParticipantWell….yes.. in fact… that is exactly what has been going through my mind… I don’t want to divorce,… and I can make my voice heard… or my point anyway… so yes… I was thinking i am 58 and might as well just live out my days this way…. but I know that it won’t work in the long run..
I will get more depressed and stay away longer each day,… and then I just won’t go home any more… so I guess the end is inevitable… I hate this… I have been through this before… the ex was an alcoholic… I was married to her for 10 years… that was quite some time ago… I feel so stupid… i felt like she took advantage of me too..
Everyone says I am such a nice guy… maybe I am to nice… I hate this so much …
MarkParticipantGreat Question… I am at a loss for an answer… I don’t want to end the marriage, and I don’t want to continue to be taken advantage of.. there doesn’t seem to be much middle ground. .. I feel hurt that she would end our marriage rather then send her mom back home… or that’s her threat… either way .. it sucks….
I struggle not to be the victim in all of my life circumstances.. I seem to easily assume that victim mentality.. but I am also always setting myself up for failure by putting myself in these types of situations, allowing someone to take advantage of me… I am now 58 years old… I would think I would have learned this by now.. yet here we go again… I hate these feelings but cant seem to work my way out of these situations … I don’t know what to do… it feels like I should just give up …
MarkParticipantI feel your pain. I have three grown children, all three daughters in their 30’s. I stopped in the town where my oldest lives as i was travelling through the area for work. We had a nice dinner and while there she texted my youngest daughter and told her we were eating. My youngest lives in the same town but was at work. The next thing I know, I get this very long text message that basically says I was never there as a father so she is done with me… It has been 3 years now… and I haven’t heard a word from her. I keep sending text messages on the holidays.. her birthday… telling her I love her and miss her… but I get nothing …
Doesn’t seem that there is anything I can do… so I just wait…maybe one day, she will need me to help her out, and I will hear something from her.. even if it is just a cry for help… I would settle for that right now…Take care and I hope it gets better for you …
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