I don’t know why that post goes into moderation.

Anyways I have another question. Did you also had self-esteem issues growing up? How did you tackle it?

Dear Tee,

I’m really glad to know that you’re doing well. So keep it up
And yeah I’m kinda beginner to intermediate level in French. Because I adore romance languages. I want to learn Spanish, Portuguese and Italian as well.

What, your manager wants to let go of such a good workforce like yourself?? I say this only half-jokingly, because to me that’s strange. I mean, I’d want to encourage a good, efficient employee to stay and I’d give them a promotion, rather than encourage them to leave… unless he has shares in the other company as well

You see he’s an angel investor in that company. And that position’s salary range is quite high so… and most of all 100% Remote work! Now you see what I mean? 😂
It’s been few months in city and I’m already feeling bored so I need new city adventure you know

A while ago you said you sometimes have trouble saying No to the upper management and so you just agree to everything, which then gives trouble to your team. Has that changed in the meanwhile? Are you more willing to say No to some of the unreasonable requirements coming from the upper management?

Well I’d say I haven’t perfected that I’m still working on Saying No properly but in face to face saying NO is quite hard for me. Via Emails I don’t have much problem now because I have time to think and explain the reasoning and it’s not just fight-or-fight response you know

Sounds great! Meditation for better productivity sounds cool… Are you still keeping the feedback box as well – and are they using it?

Yeah because I noticed that some of the  freshers still get anxious and worried for every little work even though I gave them freedom to make mistakes (In a way which I can solve without much issue) So I think if they’re more mindful about this it would be lot better for them in long run. Yup they are using the feedback box recently we made developers dress code 100% casual. For other teams it’s still smart casual. But still I encouraged that they prefer neutral colors so it doesn’t look too funky or sloppy for an office environment

Well, I think you should be very proud of yourself since you’ve achieved a major success: “I made some processes efficient in few weeks that he couldn’t do in months.”

Actually, it occurred to me now that your manager might feel a little threatened by you, since you’ve managed to achieve something he couldn’t do in months. Maybe that’s why he wants to send you away? Sorry if I am too suspicious and his motives are sincere…

Haha thanks!
Oh now that you pointed it out, Maybe??? But I think it’s still win-win situation for both of us. And another thing that I’m doing is that two of my assistants making “ready” for the work that is unfinished or let’s say just continue with the better stability. That way I wouldn’t have to worry much of my absence and ruining the values that I’ve created there.

Yes, it was an automatic reaction, triggered by your old wounds. That’s when our rational mind shuts down and only the limbic brain is active, which is all about fight-or-flight. You felt danger and you ran away…

Right and What kind of things could be helpful for automatic triggered reactions in your opinion?

Yes, I can imagine… because you did feel trapped (you’ve already mentioned feeling trapped in the relationship before). And in this case it was just her mentioning the possibility of a long-term relationship that caused you to feel trapped. The alarm bell went off, it signaled danger and you ran away.

Yes right and Inside my head I’m still like missing her and another side of brain is you crazy? It happened for well. You’re lot safe now.

I don’t know what was her dating experience. But I think it can be exhausting for both women and men. If she has met many guys who just want to have fun and no sincere intentions, I can imagine it’s exhausting for her…

Hmm that’s true

Right… I mean objectively, you weren’t in any imminent danger, because she didn’t ask you to marry her or anything like that. But your emotional wound made you see it as danger and react the way you did.

Haha yeah it was a silly move of me.

Have you talked about your fear of relationship/intimacy in therapy?

Yes. She told me to work on being kind with myself and loving myself more. Because it’s a part my CEN (Childhood emotional neglect) and True healing occurs when I learn to BE the loving parent to myself that I never had – Like we talked about the parent figure before (But in most natural and mindful way possible)

She told me to continue the mindfulness practices that I’m doing…

It’s a type of insecurity that I have to work on actively to break this toxic mindset. Accept other people as they are and stop expecting to be perfect because different people will show me love in different way. But if I’m just closing my heart for everyone (including myself) it could get worse over the time.

And another main thing is that my ability to trust others. Because she told me being so much independent since the teenage years now you have mindset that thinks I don’t need anyone (Emotionally) and I’m safe by myself that’s why you fear the emotional vulnerability with others.

And working on replacing on old beliefs to new beliefs to change to thought patterns.

Dear Tee,

Oh I’m glad to know that you’re doing bit better. Day by day progress 😀

Wish you luck with the interview! What do you think causes your burnout? Just the preparation for the interview or you’re stressed about other things at work?

Thanks! There is preparation for the interview because I’m doubting my abilities again.
I’m stressed out for other things like if I’m going to join the company, again I’ll have to build the good team relationships with different people. The team that I have now I’m just too much comfortable around them but now thinking about other people and task feels like so much challenge and I’m feeling anxious, overwhelmed and about this. I’m asking myself like am I capable of doing this?

So, in the imaginary scenario I’ve mentioned earlier (where you don’t want to admit you miss her texts but you make sarcastic remarks instead) – what do you think she would judge you for if you admitted that you miss her texts?

Well that would be like I’m kind of dependent? Also it’s just I don’t know awkward for me

Thanks for your advice for the date I’ll take the important notes like Asking instead of assuming and Honest and open communication.

So just today we were talking and out of nowhere she asked like are you a person who prefers commitment in relationship or the other way around. So I told her that Honestly if she’s thinking about anything long term commitment with me She can stop. Because as of now I’m not ready for that and therefore I don’t want to waste your time and energy if you want something like that. So she was like I already feel exhausted from dating and things (She’s same age as me) So I was surprised. So I was like I feel like I’ve only started this. And you’re already exhausted? So Yeah I said No to her. I do feel little sad and already miss her a little.

Dear Tee,

Oh :(( Please take extra care of yourself. I hope each day brings more comfort and strength. Praying for a good recovery.

 

showing no understanding and a strong judgmental attitude. So you’re right, it’s probably for the best that you don’t have them as your client.

Yes I think in Management and leadership this kind of things are important too. For professional relationships to grow, There should be good amount of mutual understanding, Not just a business POV.

Yes, sensitivity is the same as vulnerability. You may think it’s your weakness, but at the end of the day, it’s your strength, specially in a romantic relationship. (Just as a side note, we’re not meant to be vulnerable in every relationship, of course, e.g. we don’t want to be sensitive/vulnerable with ill-meaning, toxic people!). However, in a romantic relationship, the goal is to be open and honest with each other, to be able to talk about our fears and weaknesses, and yet be understood and supported by the other – rather than blamed and judged.

Yes you’re right and I’m understanding that now that how much energy and guts needs be sensitive and vulnerable. Yet it’s really important. The person we share sad times we bond with them are much stronger than when we’re just smiling around people even though spending more time with them.

You did say a while ago that you feared sharing too much of your “imperfections” or problems, even if your girlfriend showed compassion, because you thought it would make you “weaker” than her. As if she would use the knowledge of your weaknesses to hurt you, rather than to help you and encourage you…

So you might have a false belief, saying something like “if I show my weakness, I will be attacked”. Perhaps you’ve picked it up in your family of origin – because your father did indeed attack you and chastise you for showing even the slightest weakness? So you’ve learned to hide your weaknesses – not to be attacked?

Yes you guessed it right. I do think it’s maybe because of that

Alright, so you didn’t dare to say that something was bothering you openly, but you used passive aggressive means, such as sarcasm. You were afraid to openly admit that something is hurting you. In other words, you were afraid to openly admit that you are vulnerable and that the person has the power to hurt you. And so instead, you put a shield around your heart… and the language of a shielded heart is sarcasm.

For example, instead of saying “it hurts me when you don’t reply to my texts for an entire day”, you say “I guess you’re so extremely busy that you don’t have time to reply to my texts”. It’s like sending a little poisonous arrow instead of being honest (and vulnerable) and saying “this hurts me”…

Haha again I’m surprised how accurate you are… but yeah you’re on point!

Right… you felt that they didn’t care, even though you’ve never openly expressed what was bothering you. Instead of being honest and vulnerable, you rather blamed it on them and called it quits…. So perhaps your shield started to go up as soon as the person was doing something that was hurting you, but you didn’t have the courage to admit it, and so you switched to sarcasm and started feeling resentment?

Yes exactly! And the thing is whenever I needed something, and it wasn’t there. Like if we scheduled something and I’m giving it importance, but she isn’t, it would just make me furious even though I knew it’s not right to be angry on small matters like that and yet I was doing the silent treatment.

Dear Tee,

How are you doing?
How are your exercises coming along?

I was little busy. Finally, I got a really good opportunity for a Management Position and I’m on interview stage so I’m hoping to get this position. Because It seems really impactful and I read content of VP, Seems like I can learn lot from her.

So, being motivated and driven: YES. But being like a drill sergeant to yourself: a big NO

Yes, you’re right and I’m working towards putting good silence on that drill sergeant.

Eg. Just few days ago I missed a meeting because I took a nap and I didn’t woke up on time. And was 5 minutes late. I guess he just logged off after 2-3 minutes. Client was furious and he said I don’t want to reschedule meeting because I didn’t attended meeting on time.
So for a minute that sergeant woke up and just started saying things… Look what you did? You’re lazy and blah blah… But I was mindful about it and I listened and took it like it’s good that I didn’t work with impatient client like this. Yes, there was my fault but sometimes it’s good in disguise. I did felt down for a bit that day but I think I took care of it well

Can she intuitively feel the energies?

No I mean she asked me lot of questions beforehand so..

A rigid layer around your heart could be the defense mechanism we’ve talked about: your fear of being emotionally hurt, and that’s why closing your heart and fearing intimacy. Because intimacy requires that we be vulnerable with the other person, that we show our weaknesses, but also that we admit how much we care about and depend on the other. That we admit that they can hurt us. That’s vulnerability.

If we fear being hurt, we’ll close our heart, and we won’t allow anyone to get near. But we’ll also stay alone… So vulnerability is not a weakness, it’s actually a precondition for intimacy and happiness.

Yes Exactly! And thanks for this great reminder! I think I will have to make some notes like this to remember every day that can help in changing my beliefs.

Yes, that’s also a good analogy. In my mind, this rigid layer around the heart is more like a metal shield – protects the heart from being hurt, but doesn’t let anything/anyone inside. In order to soften things up, you’d need to remove the shield at least partially…

Yes you’re right and I thought about it and I think the thing is that I know I’m sensitive. This could be my strength and my weakness. Both. But unconsciously I maybe still thinking more as a weakness and less as a strength. Means still there is some kind of fear.

So now the question is that in your opinion how do you know what are your fears or limiting beliefs? How do you address them?

Now thinking about your dynamic with girls, it could be that after the initial exuberance and vulnerability that you feel towards the girl (feeling very much in love, writing poems…), the fear comes up – the fear that you’ll be hurt. And so the shield goes up and you perhaps enter the drill sergeant mode, putting yourself in a superior position, trying to “improve” her… which helps you to feel less vulnerable. Because if you feel in charge and have the upper hand in the relationship, you feel she can’t hurt you as much?

I am just musing here…. let me know if any of this rings true?

Hmm I think I can’t disagree with this, but I can’t relate with this 100% either (In the present moment). Because as I’ve told you before I had kind of controlling behavior, so I did like having an upper hand most of the time. I always have to be the one who’s making “Right choices” even though sometimes it’s good only from my point of view. And maybe selfish as well?
And as in vulnerable I think yes because I guess I was running from the things I didn’t liked to talk about even though it was important but after my first relationship I’ve decided to clarify things honestly ASAP whatever that is..

Yet still there was times I wasn’t able to say things on their face like you’re doing this and it’s hurting me. I was just making sarcastic comment or neglecting on that and be like they should understand these “signals” and they will work on it. And when they haven’t changed their behavior patterns and did the same things over and over. I took it like they’re the ones not putting efforts (even though that they were somewhat aware of this) in this relationship only me who’s working for making it better. So I don’t want it and I’d just breakup.

Dear Tee,

thank you for your good wishes. I hope that healing energies will come both from within and without, as I start physical therapy.

For Sure. When you want to start physical therapy?

that you were pushing her the same way you were pushing yourself to do more and better. So that’s one big lesson for your next relationship.

Yes I agree and I think I realize now that the way I require freedom my partner will require freedom too and by pushing and kind of controlling is not the way. It wouldn’t make her feel safe and thus she’d try to pretend something… Am I right?

I also remember that you said you didn’t like her complaining, and so you offered various solutions to fix the problem. But probably you lacked one key step: showing empathy for her problems. Instead, you rushed to solutions immediately. There is a funny video about that, where this is taken to the extreme. It’s on youtube, titled “It’s not about the nail”, by Jason Headley”. Talks exactly about fixing vs just listening/empathizing…

Haha short but on point video. I’m definitely appreciating listening/empathizing.

That’s fine, you don’t need to get married right away.

Okay so this might be the also reason that I feel behind sometimes. My family and friends do expect me get married and be settled ASAP. (Not forcing but still)
Lot of my friends who are even younger than already got married and some have kids as well. Because here getting married in your late 20s considered lot more normal and safer.

But I know well that I’m not ready for marriage. I still have my goals to accomplish. And I started to believe in slow love as well. Guess I’m still hopeless romantic!

You can find someone who, like you, isn’t rushing to get married, but wants to enjoy life, travel, perhaps accomplish some professional/career goals first… There are girls like that out there, not everyone wants to get married and have children right away.

Hmm Right as you said not easy to find but possible. And I think right one will come. No need to rush 🙂

You’d need to look for a compatible person, with similar goals and values, and also similar interests. She doesn’t have to like everything that you do, but there should be at least some compatibility, e.g. being an outdoors person, or loving adventure, or whatever is important to you. You can have a committed relationship with such a person, and yet, it wouldn’t require you to give up on some of your career or other life goals.

Yes that’s exactly what I’ve decided!

Well, guys like to suggest such things, but you said it yourself that it wouldn’t be fulfilling, and it could indeed hurt you. It’s not even your style, and I know that if we force ourselves to do something that go against our principles, it’s never a good thing and we always get burned.

Obviously and the thing is if I do something that’s against my principles and values it’d be even hard to sleep for me.

Yes, you can try it and see if she is compatible to you, e.g. if she isn’t rushing to settle down but is more relaxed about it. Or if there are common interests that you can both enjoy in your free time. Or if she seems genuine, not pretending…

Well as of now I think she’s not rushing to settle down but I guess there might be fewer common interests. I’m guessing because she’s not minimalistic like me, likes noisy places, Extrovert. But she’s outgoing and upright honest about things which I liked about her. Also she’s not that much tall but I’ll manage. Okay I’m hard to please I know but maybe I’ll find other good qualities? 😂

Dear Tee,

I am a little better and a little more optimistic, thank you for asking. Having a doctor appointment tomorrow, so we’ll see…

I’m glad to know that, I believe you’ve visited the doctor by now?

He did tell him some wise things indeed. I guess his words – to find out who you are and follow your own path – are an inspiration to you too?

Yes I strongly believing in creating in my own path instead of walking on others path that they’ve created. doesn’t matter how great they were

Haha, no way. I am anxious person, with plenty of adrenaline and cortisol in my system, so no need to feel more alive by scaring myself to death

You literally just made an anxiety joke 😂 But I’m telling you, you can try with very small things first. Maybe it would be helpful for your anxiety.

If so, it seems both of you were pretending…. and eventually you broke it off. So perhaps it can be a lesson for you: that if you pretend, or both of you pretend to be something you’re not, it doesn’t end well, and it’s not even attractive to you. That honesty and authenticity is much better, even if it might feel scary at first.

Yes but it doesn’t mean like It was only pretending and nothing else. Thing is that she had some expectations from me, Which indeed wasn’t wrong. She was insecure so…
And in my previous relationship I didn’t pretend anything and mostly said how it is and maybe sometimes brutally honest which I guess may have hurt her in some way as well but yeah.

Well, you don’t need to tell her all your deepest secrets on your first date. You need to take it slow and see how she responds to something honest and vulnerable (i.e. less than perfect) that you share about yourself. If she doesn’t like you being honest, or she cannot really empathize with you, that’s a big red flag. But if she can, and she is also sharing about herself, and there’s a mutual understanding (rather than criticism, mocking, feeling superior or inferior to the other…) – that’s a very good sign.

Hmm I think that’s super helpful. Thanks! This would be really helpful for me on how much should I open up in relationships

You’ve already had several failed relationships, so you know your patterns. Perhaps you’re also aware of what contributed to the breakup, and even what is your responsibility in it? If you know your patterns and your fears, you could talk about it in therapy and try to work on it, rather than take those same patterns and fears into a new relationship.

I’ve just watched a video by Henry Cloud, where he said: “What’s going to be new and different this time other than you wanting it to be new and different?” I think it can be applied it to relationships too: If you haven’t worked on those fears, or false beliefs or whatever – what is going to be different in your next relationship, other than you wanting it to be different? You know what I mean?

Yes I got your point. I have to work on this first. And I believe for my pattern there was mainly fear of commitment involved as well. But what I’m saying is that if it’s my fear of commitment then I’m not even looking for a commitment. I’m not that much old to look for a commitment either. Another thing is that there are probably woman like me who’s also have fear of commitment as well.. Then instead of just focusing on fear (Which I have to I know, and it does take time) why not just go with the flow and learn that way?