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SereneWolf
ParticipantKon’nichiwa Tee,
How was your weekend?
thatās the only wayā¦ if I donāt accept the limitations and the hardships, and only focus on the negative, it would be much less bearable. So looking at it with a dose of optimism is the only thing that helps (besides exercise, of course)
Thatās good! Also thatās why youāre an awesome wise mentor! š
Okay, so sheās one sturdy cat and you feel sheās doing fine, wherever she isā¦
Yup.Yeah, she is probably hoping she can turn you around and make you fall in love with her. I did suggest a few posts ago (before you told me about your job loss) to stay in the relationship but work on your fear of commitment. I understand that right now, finding a new job is a priority and youāre only focusing on that. But do you think you would want to work on your fear of commitment some time down the line, or you want to remain an eternal bachelor, so to speak?
Well you do have a point and Iām doing like a spiral always just running away from commitment like this, and I think now Iām just using bigger excuse to run away from this. I don’t know when I’ll be emotionally “available.”
But another thing is also that I donāt want to settle down so soon I feel like if things go well, like my other friends 2-3 years in relationship and then get married and get kids and then have your family responsibilities. Then Iād missed out on enjoying my 20ās like adventure travel and etcā¦
Well yes, because she refuses to admit any fault of her own. Itās easier to blame other people. Thatās a hallmark of a toxic personā¦
Right, I get it now, main thing is that always see otherās fault but not their own. But few days ago I talked to my father on the call and we talked like an hour (Which is very rare) We were talking about my little brother and how he doesnāt listen to him or talk to him rarely, He be like I gave all of you freedom to do anything you want (Which is somewhat right) and during the call he also said that he also could made mistakes and I was like yeah weāre all humans and Then told him not to worry and Iāll talk to my brother
When you say you made some bad choices in the past, I guess youāre talking about dropping out of university and graduating only later? Well, weāve talked about that before: you did it because you wanted to free yourself from your fatherās and grandfatherās guilt-tripping and you wanted to be independent. And so you had to work to support yourself. Which lead to the delay in your studies.
Now if you keep blaming yourself for that, youāll never be free. Because you graduating a few years later doesnāt mean youāre less capable or less competent. You agreed with me that youāre actually a high achiever and resilient. So please stop telling yourself that old story that youāre a failure and lagging behind. Youāre right on time and you can grab the best opportunity, if you keep a positive self-image and stay optimistic.
Yes I agree but the thing is that I still think I couldāve done better, and I know I may havenāt enough mature to make proper decision in past but even though Now Iām much more capable thereās still old fear!
Well, youāre 29. Youāll be at the prime of your power for at least the next 20 years. So there will be plenty of opportunities for both career success and for traveling. But I guess when youāre caught in that fear (of making mistakes, or missing out), itās hard to hear the rational arguments. Because I think your FOMO is a part of your inner critic. So itās something that youād need to actively defend yourself against and shut down that voice, because itās a blind alley.
Iām freshly 28! Donāt make me older please š and Yeah I agree but this actively defending is seems hard! Is there any more efficient way? Like it happens in background or subconsciously etc? I’m being lazy I know Heck I even have time yet I’m not putting it for right use.. I should do that
I think itās a smart decision to start applying for a broader range of positions, and then switch after a while to what you really want. As for the job market, I really donāt know, it depends on what sector youāre in. If youāre in IT, it shouldnāt be that affected, although it seems that new product development might be stalling, due to people not having enough moneyā¦
Yeah so I have two interviews soon, and one HR was like this is an entry level position I believe youāre too senior for this but still if you want we can discuss further… and I do like this position even though itās entry level itās a really good pay even more than manager level pay. So Iām thinking talking to him like Iām more interested in this position for growth opportunity later onā¦ But if you have better suggestion you can suggest me
SereneWolf
ParticipantHey Tee,
I am a bit better health-wise, so I had a good weekend. I mean, nothing special, but pleasant and mostly pain-free, which is a miracle when it happens.
Iām glad to know that. I like that you have very grateful perspective towards this.
I am so sorry your new cat ran awayĀ Perhaps sheāll come back?
She still didnāt. But Iām not that much worried like a cat before. Because I donāt know I have a feeling that sheāll survive.
Okay, so youāre determined not to get married. Have you ever talked about the future and topics like marriage and children? What does she say about you wanting to work remotely and possibly moving to a different city? Do you talk about that?
I mean she already is well aware about my plans for remote working and moving to different cities and because of her profession she canāt do it even if she wants to, and for marriage we both decided to not rush and after that I told her no for a love relationship soā¦
It seems she feels the connection at the moment, as she is comforting you about your job loss and all that. She feels a certain closeness, and I guess thatās why she doesnāt feel that youāre not giving her what she needs. But she did feel it in the past ā thatās why she was tempted to go back to her ex. So I guess right now she feels close to you, because youāre open to receiving her love and support. But once youāll be in a better place and less fragile, she might experience that youāre withdrawing againā¦
Hmm I guess youāre right but I donāt want her to stuck with me for confusing type of love. She deserves something much more and direct, But she still wants to spend time with me because she may have that hope of finding a way to my heart key.. and because of my career now Iām focused only on that instead of relationship.
Yes, itās hard to accept that. I too was hoping that my mother would realize that she hurt me and that she didnāt give me the kind of love I needed. But she refused to see it. She still believes she was a good mother and I am an ungrateful daughter.
What? She still believes that she was a good mother and it was your fault?? How? Why?
Oh I didnāt know there is JOMO too, as opposed to FOMOĀ But yeah, we canāt do everything and be at more places at one time. Life is about choices, and we choose one thing at the expense of other. Even if this other thing is also good. But still, we need to make choices and omit certain things, because our time and resources are limited. You also omit a lot during sleep, if you think about it, and yet, you need sleep, because those are your biological limits.
Yes but the thing is that because I made some bad choices in the past now I have fear that I may make bad choices again and everyone says these years of life are golden years so itās like break it or make it so later on I donāt want to regret that I didnāt make good choicesā¦ I guess itās also one of the reasons for my low self-esteem. You see what I mean?
Are you worried about missing out on travel? Or youāre more worried about being late in your achievements and career success?
Actually both!
Ā Well, they are very short-sighted and stingy, and you shouldnāt be sorry for leaving that company. I hope youāll find some place where theyāll appreciate people like you more, and not take advantage of them and them toss them away
Yes but companies are really scared of slow economy so theyāre putting money first instead of people.
Yeah, I understand that people are rushing to find just anything, because they need the money and the opportunities are shrinking. But if you can afford to wait a little longer, then do it. Donāt fall for the fear that you wonāt find anything ā because you sure will, if it comes to that. But maybe youāll have to be less picky, youāll see about that.
Right so I started to apply for position that also related to Product Management means much broader and more opportunitiesā¦ and after working like 6 months to 1 year I can start applying for the position that are stronger for PM roles because Letās hope by then job market would be better? What do you think?
SereneWolf
ParticipantSo they donāt want any new development then? Perhaps they believe theyāve got a hit product and they donāt need anything new for at least a year or so?
Yes, I did lot of Market research during development for that so for a while they won’t need even new features for this product.
I only wouldnāt agree that youāre getting old, but if you have a clear goal in mind (to work remotely and travel as you please), then by all means, go for it.
I mean only reason is the I have clear goal and that’s why I’m confident about it. Lot of my friends are really compromising like just get wherever you want, But I’m really picky about it. They are scaring me more because of all the layoffs and unemployment rates are getting higher.
If youāre short on money, you can still send applications to some of those less appealing places, and once you get the job at a place you like better, you can simply switch. How do you feel about that?
Yes, I did selected some cities where I can stay little longer so I’m applying for Hybrid roles there as well
SereneWolf
ParticipantOla Tee,
How was your weekend?
I wouldnāt know about that. But I guess you should train her how to use the toilette and stuff like that. Iāve never had a pet, so cannot really give advice on thatā¦
Well actually she ran away yesterday evening ā¹
So you are sure that you donāt want this to grow into something long term, possibly even marriage?
Nope. No marriage
Now, youād need to chose her. I know itās really hard for you, due to your attachment issues. But I am just saying ā I think it would be a worthy effort to work on your fear of commitment, while in the relationship with her. I think making that effort would actually make sense, and it wouldnāt be a waste of time.
So I think this would be my answer to your question:Ā So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?
Work on your fear of commitment, while staying in the relationship. Donāt stay in that fear forever, without challenging it. Thatās my advice.
Well lately I feel like a fraud because sheās been very supportive with everything thatās going on and I feel like Iām using her just for my emotional comfort and physical needs not giving her the love that sheās craving from me. I literally said this to her on her face because I didnāt want any dishonesty, but she was like Iām just being silly.
Yes, constant criticism and shaming is actually emotional abuse. Itās actively inflicting a wound on you, telling you how bad and faulty you are. What your mother did was more like emotional neglect, I think, because she tolerated your fatherās treatment of you and didnāt protect you from it. She wasnāt actively harming you, but she let your father harm you with his criticism.
Hmm I see I understand now
Maybe this is a silly question but I am not familiar with childrenās obligations regarding financing their parents and grandparents. So you said earlier that you have a responsibility to give a certain amount to your parents monthly. Is it becauseĀ they are not that well off, or itās a custom in India and adult children are obliged to do it regardless?
Well it is more like a custom in India. especially If youāre an older sibling Which I am
As for the fact that you have such a father ā youāll have to mourn that, I guess. I am sorry that my mother is like she is, and that weāll never have a close, loving relationship. She is incapable of that. So I gave it up. My relationship with her is very superficial. Itās sad, but it canāt be more than that ā if I want to respect myself and not allow her to hurt me.
Yes youāre right and I guess Iām just not able to easily accept this truth and still hoping that he might change, But we donāt know. So I guess thatās what hard for me
No, you needed their emotional support as a child. It was a crucial need back then and because it wasnāt met, it caused damages (which you are trying to rectify and heal now, as an adult). But you donāt need their emotional support now. Your well-being and emotional health doesnāt depend on it. You can get support elsewhere (in therapy, for example). You can also give yourself the support and validation that you needed from them as a child. In short, you can now become a good parent to yourself.
Yes Iām trying to be a good parent to myself, Trying to be kinder with myself day to day
So yes, try to have more compassion for yourself, appreciate everything youāve achieved so far and tell yourself that you did a great job. Be Uncle Iroh to yourself, not the heartless drill sergeantā¦
Yes thatās what Iām trying I think being mindful is really helping me a lot, So most of the time when I get negative thoughts my mind tells me not be anxious and worried and appreciate things.
Yes, thatās one of your major tasks. So now try not to blame yourself for being ālateā and ābehind scheduleā. Youāre not late for anything,
Thatās one of the hardest thing I have to work on I guess, Because Iām very afraid of getting older and missing out on things, and while meditation I did deep think about this matter like no matter what, we canāt do absolutely everything. So just learn JOMO. Joy of missing out. Being present in the moment instead of worrying about future and stuff, Donāt compare, Ever one of us have their own unique journey, But not easy at all my rational mind ask me lot of other questions that makes me feel behind
SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
it seems very short-sighted :/ So basically they fired the whole developer team because now the product is out on the market and they donāt need you any more?
It is short-sighted for sure! but they are thinking how much money they’re saving for few month, and they only have two dev guys for bug fixing and in Product they only have like support girl. because they don’t want anything new
I thought in case you need money, perhaps you can relax your requirements. But of course, if itās not such an urgent problem, you donāt need to go back to the system you donāt like
I mean yeah financal pressure is a real deal and I’m feeling it, but my other persona is rebeling against it like no just get what you want don’t compromise you’re gonna get what you want.
SereneWolf
ParticipantHi Tee,
Do you know what caused it?Well they said it’s for organizational restructure and for budget purposes. But mainly we all think they don’t want to pay to people for “building” or “managing” new services just because it’s working fine now so they think they can save thousands of dollars for few months… So basically, its like the full course meal is ready for them and they going to feed themselves on for few months.
Perhaps you can send some more applications, even for jobs that arenāt remote only ā to increase your chances?
Well you know I already feel missing out on things and less freedom because I had to go to the office sometimes and wasn’t able to change the cities. Now I don’t want to stuck in the same loop and feel the same way. Like I already feel like I’m getting old, and I haven’t seen this beautiful world enough..
SereneWolf
ParticipantHey Tee,
Apologies for the late reply, but I haven’t been feeling well. 40% of the workforce has been reduced at the company where I worked, and I was laid off. Now, I’m more anxious than ever to find a job.
I still haven’t heard from the companies where I applied. I don’t know what else I can do now instead of just losing hope…SereneWolf
ParticipantHeyya Tee,
Iād easily slip into depression. And I need to battle that.
And youāre fighting this battleĀ very well Tee, Keep it up š
Haha, cats donāt do anything if theyāre not happy ā they always put themselves first. So she must be happy
I was wondering, So I have a friend who have 3 cats and her cats are so well behaved and healthy because her mother was around and I guess she taught her kitten to how to get around? But this kitten is like only a month old and she have no idea whatās going on or how to do things. Thatās why I have to take care of more than āNormalā
She is hoping she found or will find a loophole in your armor, I guess.
Hmm she better know how stubborn I am.
Okay, if you also talk about your own vulnerability, and perhaps your own fears, and she is understanding, thatās good. I guess you appreciate her being understanding and not judging you, right?
Yes I do appreciate that, and Itās not like we talking everyday but stillā¦
Iāve just looked up how FWB is defined. And it doesnāt necessarily exclude emotional bond, but the most significant feature is lack of commitment. You said you have fear of commitment. It also makes you uncomfortable to say āI love youā (or to hear her say it), I guess because it carries a future expectation of a committed relationship. So I guess if there is fear of the future and fear of commitment, even though youāre enjoying things at the moment, I guess that would still be defined as FWB.
Hmm I see, Well I guess then itās my first FWB? Lol š
And yeah there is fear of commitment there, I accept that, but you know that I donāt want to move forward than FWB with this girl, So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?
Not sure I understand your question. The article talks about how itās easy to fall in love, when hormones are high and we might be seeing the person through rose-colored glasses. But once the honeymoon phase is over, we need to make an effort to understand the person, to work on ourselves and our own issues, to not project things on them etc. In that sense, love requires effort.
Ah thatās right and thatās why lot of young people are like that because most of the people donāt like to put real efforts for love. They quit after the honeymoon phase. Iām also did something similar, Whenever my relationship got complex, I just quit it. Though I did feel like I did put lot of efforts.
Ā
Okay, so try to reduce reading about those mega success stories, because it makes you feel bad about yourself. And it would make most people bad about themselves. Itās the worse when we compare ourselves to others, and thatās exactly what your father and grandfather were doing to you, and now youāre doing it to yourself.
Yes youāre right. Iām not using twitter anymore. I uninstalled it.
I wish you success!
Thanks a lot! š
Ā
You mean he tried to hit you and your mother only twice? But I thought heād get angry with you often and scolded you for even the slightest mistake. You said he made you feel dumb whenever you made a mistake (the minute I make a mistake Iām dumb). He was also comparing you to other students, telling you you should be grateful for the material support he is providing and why canāt you learn better. He was also having perfectionist expectations on you. All this is emotional abuse, even though he wasnāt physically violent.
I mean, his criticism didnāt happen only twice, right? He wasnāt displeased with you only twice, but it was a common theme, it happened all the time. You grew up feeling not good enough, due to his constant criticism and shaming. Thatās emotional abuse, SereneWolf, not emotional neglect.
Ah Okay I see now, so his constant criticism and perfectionist expectations are also count as an emotional abuse. I thought itās emotional neglect because he didnāt care about my emotions or even noticed but I see your point now. I have to talk about this to my therapist as well!
Yeah, thatās passive aggression, Iād say. He doesnāt want to say what he needs directly, but is scolding you and your brother for not reading his mind and assuming what he needs. He is making you guilty for something thatās not your fault at all.
Yeah I know right!? I was this close to lose my mind. I mean whatās problem in just saying clearly?
Not willing to take responsibility for oneās actions and always blaming others is a mark of a toxic personality. It seems he is now less āin your faceā about his expectations, but still does that indirectly, without saying it out loud, but still you can feel the sting.
I guess youāre right. How should I save myself from this? Even building boundaries isnāt working much. And Iām aware itās his problem not mine but it does bother me.
Yes, they (your father and grandfather) made you feel guilty if you brought home anything less than straight As, right? They made themselves into martyrs, while you were the bad, ungrateful son/grandson for disappointing them and ātorturingā them like that.
That was putting so much pressure on you. No wonder you felt like a burden ā because they made you feel like one. And then you left home, because you didnāt want to be guilt-tripped by them any more, right? You rejected their ānurturanceā. You told your father: āI donāt need your help to take care of myself. I know how to handle things.āĀ So you were fed up with his guilt tripping and making you feel like a burden. You decided to be on your own. āSelf-sufficientā at 16.
But do you see how this āself-sufficiencyā is a defense mechanism? It was born out of being blamed all the time, feeling like a burden all the time, and wanting to break free from that. With moving out, you basically told your father āI donāt need anything from youā. But thatās not true ā the child always needs support from their parents, both material and emotional. But this was a defense mechanism, because you didnāt want to endure that blame and guilt-tripping any more.
Yes you understood very well! But after all this you still think I need emotional support of my parents? Because I just started to feel validated without their validation.
So I started working much earlier without even getting my bachelorās first then I was blaming myself that I didnāt focused on my studies like other people otherwise Iād be more educated nowā¦
In order to support yourself, you had to work, and so no wonder that you couldnāt get your bachelorās degree on time. But then you blamed yourself for not studying enough like other people. Well, now itās time to stop blaming yourself and understand that leaving home was a self-protection mechanism, born out of despair and not wanting to be abused any more.Ā So instead of blaming yourself, try to find compassion for yourself ā for the young boy of 16 who ventured out into the world to support himself, because his family was emotionally so cruel to him. So rejecting. So conditional love.
And congratulate yourself because youāve managed to get your bachelorās later on, in spite of working full time, which is always much harder. And now youāre even in the process of getting a masterās degree, if I remember well? So congratulate yourself for all your educational achievements, even if you got them a few years later than planned, due to objective circumstances.
Remember, youāre not lazy and āgood for nothingā, but itās that you needed to work in parallel with studying, which makes you actually a high achiever. Even though your father believes you are āless thanā, tell yourself that you are a high achiever and very resilient. Because you made it in spite of the objective difficulties.
Wow thatās powerful! Thanks a lot Tee, Thanks for pointing out and made me more aware about this! And yes I think main reason for all this is that Iāve always been and still blaming myself for everything that happened. Being too much āSelf-sufficientā like itās all my responsibility, Like I couldāve done better, even though I was just doing things as per my circumstances. Thatās why itās been hard for me find compassion for myself. And yes Iām indeed a high achiever and very resilient. Thanks again for your positive reminder! I appreciate it š¤
Oh yes, neuroplasticity is a great thing, because our neural circuits can literally change as we focus on positive things and start having a more positive mindset.
Yes it is!
Well, it seems like youāre still comparing yourself to others in terms of professional success, and are feeling āless thanā and that you havenāt achieved enough etc. I hope what I said above might help you put things into perspective and have more empathy for yourself and your life path so far.
Yes youāre right and yeah what you said is really helpful! I did learned empathy but for others, I think I still have to learn having more empathy and compassion for myself.
Yes, try to focus less on other peopleās achievements. Donāt compare yourself to others. We all have our individual stories and our unique challenges. We also all have different lessons to learn in life. You only need to focus on yourself and your own life.
100% Right!
SereneWolf
ParticipantHey Tee,
my condition is still fluctuating, so I am still looking for something to give me better relief. But not losing hope, soā¦
Oh Iām sorry to hear that, But itās really impressive itās been a while and youāre still standing strong with hope. Love that. Your strong spirit is helping you for not getting weaker. I hope you feel better soon.
Good ā seems she is getting more tame as the time goes by
Yeah but cats doesnāt smile like dogs, So Iām worried if sheās happy with me lol
Ā
Yeah, sure, sharing intimacy, being vulnerable, opening up when something is bothering usā¦ itās precious to have someone we can do that with, without being judged and ridiculed.
Yup that is REALLY precious
Ā
Yes, I think so too. She is hoping you would come around and start really bonding with her. She is hoping sheāll melt you finally
Well is that her overconfidence or she found some loophole? š
Ā
Okay, she is taking the conscious riskā¦
Doctors are good at taking risks you know
What are you craving from her?
Iām not sure, Itās been a while since Iām little vulnerable with someone, Sheās understanding so we talk about lot of stuff. And yeah, I did have physical cravings for so long. That includes hand holdings to all the way to sleeping together.
I think that women bond quicker emotionally if there is sex involved. So if you keep having sex, sheāll definitely get even more attached, while for you itās a question, specially since you have attachment issues. But it seems she is willing to take that risk, since she is hoping you might change (or that she might change you)ā¦
Oh I see thatās interesting, Since women are naturally more emotional thatās why sex affects them even more, But the thing is that even though I have attachment issues, I do get attached with women even though itās not only for sex. Otherwise FWB would be easier for me. Because even for sex I need to have at least good level of trust, bond and attraction.
Yeah, maybe itās like Facebook ā you start comparing yourself to other people and start feeling less thanā¦ so probably LinkedIn is something that triggers your inner critic and makes you feel bad about yourself. Maybe it would be better if you didnāt read those success stories, but only the information related to job openingsā¦
Yes even in Twitter just influencer gurus are everywhere, Do this and change your life, 7 figure income in your 20s and blah blah blah they make it sounds so easy, and be like itās that easy why youāre not doing it?
Are you still trying to find a completely remote job, so you can work from anywhere?
Yes mam, I have some interviews soon
She tried to calm you (the child) down, so you wouldnāt provoke him (the adult)?
I think so yeah
It seems your father wasnāt just an emotionally bully, but also potentially a physical bully, and there was a danger of domestic violence. And so your mother did everything to prevent that violence ā by basically being obedient and trying to appease him, and also trying to control you and reason with you to be more āmatureā (even if you were just a child).
Your grandfather was similar in character to him, and I guess your father actually received a similar treatment from his own father, right?
Yes thatās right
It was only your grandmother (your fatherās mother?) who warned him and he sort of admitted that it wasnāt the right thing to do. After that, has he tried to hit you or your mother again, or that was the only incident?
My fatherās mother. After that he never tried to hit me or even raise his voice to my mother or me. Like I said only two times it happened but it was traumatic enough for me, Before I was in primary school and I donāt even remember it properly, But also that time I raised my voice at him.
Just today Me and my brother talked to him on conference call, He was like you’re both adults you should know things I shouldn’t have to tell you. and I told him clearly that I don’t prefer just assuming things, whatever is it just say things clearly. He’s like no you’re adults you should be aware about this. and the matter was that my grandparents are sick so he be like me and my brother are irrepressible for not knowing to offer for more financial help. I mean we knew that they’re sick but how we’d know that they need more help? and he was like I waited for days that you’d call and offer? I’m like what? Just don’t wait and tell me things like that directly! He was like this is common sense so you should know. Really made me angry š
But I guess his mindset didnāt change much. He thought he can yell at you and bully you as much as he pleases, while you should stay silent and ārespectā your father. That father is āgodā and children shouldnāt talk back. A very toxic attitude.
YES EXACTLY! He think everything he does is right and it always otherās fault.
And I guess you didnāt want to bow down to him, you didnāt want to show respect to him, and thatās what caused friction. And I guess thatās why you left home so early?
Since my teenage I was very clear about values that I respect and even at that age lot of things which was āCoolā for other kids was clearly nonsense for me. So clearly his unfair anger was really irritating for me, And my main reason to left home early was to get freedom and stand up by myself. And sorta tell my father that I donāt need your help to take care of myself. I know how to handle things. So thatās what I did.
Another thing is that when you have that kind toxic person around you donāt feel that good you know so I just wanted to leaveā¦
He was extremely toxic, SereneWolf. He brutally criticized and shamed you for even the slightest mistake. No wonder you got traumatized by that. He expected you to be āgratefulā for the material stuff that he was providing, while of course you couldnāt be grateful when he was putting you down so mercilessly.
Emotional support is much more important for a child than having material abundance. He gave zero emotional support. What you experienced from him was emotional abuse. (In the beginning you said youāre suffering from childhood emotional neglect. Well, this was not neglect, this was emotional abuse.)
Itās emotional abuse even it happened one or two times?
Who is ātheyā? Your father and grandfather?
Yes
No wonder you started having issues at school later ā it could have been a consequence of the emotional abuse youāve been experiencing at home. You were under so much pressure you couldnāt take it any more. It could have even been a way of rebelling too. Sometimes we rebel because we canāt bear to be oppressed like that. I guess one way you rebelled was to leave home, but perhaps having issues at school was another way, only subconscious?
Yes it made me so desperate to just earn and live on my own, I didnāt wanted to be burden on them. They always made me feel like they did so much for me and it felt like burden to me! So I started working much earlier without even getting my bachelorās first then I was blaming myself that I didnāt focused on my studies like other people otherwise Iād be more educated nowā¦
Thatās great! Maybe the term youāre looking for is self-fulfilling prophecy: you expect good things, and then good things happen to you. And vice versa. In any case, I am glad that youāre more open to praise and that it helps you feel better about yourself.
I searched itās called experience-dependent neuroplasticity. When we focus on the good, Good happens. Itās about positive mindset or positive perspective of life
When you heal your inner child and completely dismiss the inner criticā¦ but youāre doing great, youāre making progressā¦
So currently what internal challenges that I have? What do you think?
Maybe the drill sergeant shows up when youāre looking at LinkedIn and start comparing yourself with others? This voice is actually your fatherās and grandfatherās voice, because they were always comparing you with others. Itās great you have Uncle Iroh as the antidote!
Right Iām just trying to consume less information. Thereās just too much noise everywhere. In this noise it feels like my own inner voice is getting lost.
Well, one explanation could be that love is not just words (āI love youā), itās also deeds ā the things we do to show our love and appreciation every day. Okay, Iāve just looked it up, and the first thing that came up in search was an article titled āWhy love is a choice you make every day.ā
The article is worth reading, but basically the main point is: āIt may feel easy to find love at first ā your hormones are leading the way. Building love, which implies emotional intimacy, may take effort and action.ā
From the PsychCentral? I mean like does that mean we should do everything out of love not for the love?
SereneWolf
ParticipantBonjour Tee,
How are you doing? Howās your weekend going?
Ā How are you getting along with her? Does she allow to be cuddled?
Well now she does. She just comes and sleeps on my lap or belly occasionally. She also let me pet her head when sheās in the mood otherwise my finger is like a chewing toy for her.
Yes, itās good to have someone to share difficult moments with, not to be alone with our grief. But having a partner just so they can console us in hard times would be a bit unfair to them. I mean, the goal would be to have a full spectrum of emotional intimacy, in both good and bad times. Thatās the point of a healthy relationship.
I mean yeah I know that thatās what relationship is about sharing intimacy. So I didnāt mean only for grief, Obviously something more than that
Hmmmā¦ I thought she was smarter than that. Instead of learning to be on her own for a while, she offered you a friends-with-benefits arrangement. Thatās hurtful, specially for women, because they usually get more attached than men. And in the case of you two, we know that she is much more attached to you than you to her. So I think she is putting herself in a situation which she will regret.
I feel sheās acting like one of my first LDR (Long-term) girl, She also acted like this because she doesnāt want to lose contact. I guess she still may have hope that she can change things. And another thing is that I still do enjoy talking to her and we talk about lot of things than just sex. Sex is just like a plus point. Also sheās aware that I have no experience for FWB yet or neither does she. So I wonāt be purely doing that. Other intimate things will be included. Women are like clever fox lol
What you really think women get attached than men? But yeah for this case yes.
And we did talked about it very openly and I said if we still continue like this it would be harder to move on later on. She said she is aware of this but she said she would even like this regret. So I said itās not wrong to create more memories together. But I did said Iām not sure so we still take things slowlyā¦ and I accept I do crave things from her thatās why Iām not able to directly say No to her.
Well, I personally donāt view sex in the same rank of physical needs as eating, drinking or getting enough sleep. Itās not a part of self-care. So I donāt think it will help you be more productive, if thatās what you meant. But you know yourself best ā have you noticed that sex makes you more productive at work?
I mean you know you didnāt had sex for a very long time and then suddenly sex is in your routine? You know because of my past LDRs I wasnāt able do physical things. So it kinda makes me feel like desperate for sex? Yet I do still try to control myself but her libido is also high so it doesnāt help much. And I love morning sex it makes me feel energetic and it fills me up with good vibes and after having morning sex I donāt have any sexual or needy thoughts during the day you knowā¦
You feel that anxiety in social situations or with work-related tasks?
Yes, mainly work and career related things. Maybe I should use LinkedIn less. It makes me feel behind and somewhat jealous and question my abilities. In LinkedIn there are informative stuff but also lot of āSuccessā posting so..
Also lot of company is laying off people, so I just started to apply for different positions while ago which is also the stressful situation because even after applying for lot of job there isnāt much positive feedback yet
I am happy if they did show emotional support in some situations. But your mother, if I understood well, was your fatherās enabler. She enabled him to criticize you and verbally abuse you without intervening. She basically told you to endure it and to be āmatureā about it. She failed to protect you. Thatās a big omission. And itās not something that happened once or twice, but consistently. The whole situation was so unbearable that you left home at the age of 16. Those are no small thingsā¦
Yeah thatās like we talked before, Even though your father was aware he wasnāt able to protect you, So is my mother. And another thing I guess I didnāt told you is that my mother was worried about physical fight and something would happen to me, because if I remember only two times my father lost control and tried to physically hurt me and also hurt my mother when she tried to save me and when I saw that I didnāt showed him respect like I donāt care who you are you canāt treat us like that it would made him even more angry he be like you canāt disrespect me like that donāt raise your voice in front of me. And I would just be like this is nonsense and go to my room and not talk him for a day or two. And yet all my family (Not my siblings) is like itās just his anger he didnāt mean any harm. Iām like Iām the kid here or is heās the kid that he canāt even control his anger? You can bow down to his anger but I wonāt. Literally even my relatives says like oh just ignore that he just have some anger tendenciesā¦ A good son shouldnāt disrespect his father. But that time only my grandma told him like what are you even doing? Thatās how you treat your kids? and he did accept that it was his fault and heās sorry. Only to my grandma not in front of me. Otherwise, his āprideā would hurt. And after that my mother knew that If anything happens again Iād disrespect him again and it would make things worse between us.
Sorry for long rant
Okay, so you felt your father was kind and ālovingā to you only if you performed well at school? You felt that when he praised you, he expected no less than top performance from you? You had to be No1, or else he wouldnāt be pleased? (I am just trying to understand what you said earlier that you felt that people are insincere when they praise you and that they want something in return. So perhaps this behavior doesnāt come from your mother, but from your father?)
Yes thatās right and the minute I make a mistake Iām dumb. He be like I did this and that and some people are not even able to provide daily necessities to their kids and yet theyāre performing well then what do you need? They didnāt tell this to my face but I knew their thinking and I did like studying they never had to tell me like go and study like my siblings. They still believe Iām a āgood performingā student even though my attention span and curiosity for studying is worse now
Itās good that youāre more open to compliments. Because if the inner critic is strong, it will disregard even the strongest evidence. That happens in the impostor syndrome. But if you silence the inner critic a bit and allow yourself to receive praise, without immediately dismissing it, thatās a good start.
I donāt remember whatās that term called but itās like what you think is what you see? So I guess if Iām hearing good things about myself, I do feel good things about myself and after that I notice even more better things..
Allow yourself to receive that praise from your therapist and accept that youāre actually doing good and having results pretty quickly. So donāt dismiss it as false praise, but allow yourself to be satisfied with yourself.
Ah the feeling of satisfied with myself! Damn when will I get that? But yeah I started to take positive praise with some critical thinking so Iām not dismissing entirely. Weāre imperfect beings after all, Always evolving like universe, and weāre part of this universe so..
Ā
Right. So the drill sergeant is still active, still pushing you to do more and faster. Try to notice it and then stop yourself, i.e. invite the good general (forgot his name, sorry) to come to your rescue and send the drill sergeant away.
Yeah that drill sergeant! I do think most of the time heās not even there he just comes up when Iām feeling down about something and I do try to listen to Good general (Uncle Iroh)
Now I do have friendly inner voice and him. Like I said before I act like Iām my own friend and try to handle the situation if Iām telling myself bad things and Uncle Iroh kinda makes it even better.
Just yesterday I read on a post that says āLove is not just a feeling, It is a daily choice that we make.ā What does that mean? Can you elaborate if you know?
SereneWolf
ParticipantHeyya Tee,
How’s your weekend going?
Yeah sure, thatās what I meant: you were/are feeling down because you are missing your cat. And thatās what makes you more susceptible to overeating (which is a form of misguided self-soothing and self-regulation). We feel comforted when we eat, and you needed comfort, so itās kind of logicalā¦
That makes sense
Hahaā¦ no. If caring about your cat and petting her gave you emotional relief, you should find a new cat, not a new girlfriend
I kinda already have a new cat (Even though itās not mine) But I mean like someone to share that grief with?
Thatās nice of your neighbor, but perhaps you need a little more time before adopting another cat?
I guess so because she makes me miss her even more. Although sheās a feral cat. So not easy to handle. She almost looks like a tiny cute cheetah.
Usually when we watch TV while eating, we end up eating more, because we donāt really pay attention to food and our sense of being satiated. Is this your experience too?
Yes it’s like that
Btw, are you binge eating on healthy food or comfort food, if I may ask?
Iām very aware of what I eat so 99% of the time itās heathy handmade cooked food.
Rightā¦ well, itās still primarily your physical looks/well-being that she is interested in. Because she notices that youāre skinny, and so she asks if youāre stressed. Maybe she is interested in your emotional well-being too. But to be honest, based on what you told me about your childhood, I donāt think your mother had/has a real interest in your emotional well-being. Because when you were exposed to your fatherās rage attacks, she would tell you to tolerate it and not make a fuss about it. So thatās not really emotionally supportive.
Well you do have a point there but we canāt point out that single thing for her emotional support can we? Because she and my grandma lifted me up when I was feeling down time to time.
Oh so you were basically vegan! Thatās tough, I tried it once, and it was too much for me. I would be fine being a vegetarian, I donāt really need meat. But I do need dairy products, so veganism is not for me.
Well yeah I started to like dairy products more, Specially yogurt and buttermilk. I still donāt consume cheesy things, but Iāll try more cheesy recipes when Iām in different country.
Coolā¦ But one thing to keep in mind is that a part of your ācalmnessā is suppressing your anger, right? I mean, you appear calm in front of people, but inside you might be boiling. Thatās a very useful skill (control of emotional reactions), and I guess you developed it by mindfulness? But on the log run, the goal is to heal some of that anger, so that you donāt feel so threatened and afraid of judgment in social situations.
Yes I agree with you, But nowadays I feel anxious and scared like lot of What Ifs, What if it this happens and what if this goes wrong which is depleting my energy and self-esteem
Ā
Yes, we are attracted to people who possess the qualities we donāt, or which we might have suppressed. So if you are calm (or at least seem calm) and detached, and she is too emotionally reactive, your calmness and poise is what might have attracted her to you. So what we believe we miss, we look for in others. Or for example, the person who is shy and lacks self-esteem might be attracted to someone who is self-confident and extroverted.
Ahh Right I guess thatās what happened between me and her. And yeah Iām somewhat easily attracted to āExtrovertedā Types but then I find them too muchā¦ But tbh finding introvert girl isnāt easy and even if you do you have to have lot of patience and itās irritating if there will be no results after the input.
Talking about her, we met yesterday and she asked me that if itās okay If we still be in physical things. And Iām thinking about saying yes. Because maybe ignoring my physical needs isnāt letting me properly focus on more important day to day things?
Thatās good! He might have sensed that youāre fragile and sad, due to your catās death, and so he was behaving himself. Or perhaps even your mother told him to behave himselfā¦
I donāt know what happened but Iām glad at least he sensed that much or even listened to my mother.
I understandā¦ you believe everybody is like your father or grandfather. Or maybe like your mother, who wasnāt always honest with you? (You did say you donāt like when people act kind to you, only to get something from you. And I think you mentioned your family in that context too.) So you might have a really bad model there: the people closest to you either being very judgmental, or not being honest (not having the purest intentions) when they praised you?
Yes thatās right thatās how it was in my childhood, For example my father gave me the very expensive bike because I ranked first in my primary school.
Well, we need to have discernment of course. But if you hear the same praise from more people, that should tell you itās most probably true. If you cannot accept compliment at all, thatās a sign that the inner critic has the upper hand.
Iām just starting to be more open about compliments. Before I wouldnāt even give an attention to it. Now I think it would be better for my self-esteem. Because it has more āEvidenceā to backup. Because inner critic is super rational and have more negative perception and I think providing evidence would help.
Also I had a session with my therapist. She said Iām doing good so far.
She even told me that I donāt listen to my inner critic that much like before, Which is impressive she said that lot of the people she worked with it took lot of time but Iām doing well in shorter time span. She also said how much things Iām doing on my own (Also with your help š So thanks)
She asked me lot of questions about my current situation and how I feel. And said that my inner child wants to live in slower pace, but my fierce need to get things done doesnāt letting it happen. Thatās why I feel restless. And like that I have many two-faced tendencies like that I need to work on.
SereneWolf
ParticipantHello Tee,
I am on the lookout for other healing modalities, since the pain is fluctuating, it always comes back. So I need to find something that will give me a more lasting relief.
I see, I hope you find a good one. Take care of yourself š
How’s your weekend going?I am sorry about that. It could be that the loss of your cat leads you to feeling more sensitive and down. And this can contribute to resorting to self-soothing tools, such as overeating. Because a lot of us use food to soothe ourselves, specially if the only nurturing we had in childhood was physical nurturing. If instead of being emotionally nurtured, we were given food whenever we were upset, thatās a perfect recipe for developing eating disorders later.
I mean youāre right but I think itās also could be like Iām not someone who mostly misses someone? Not even people who are really close to me, But I do miss my cat maybe thatās why? Because itās kind of a dysregulation? And I accept that she did gave me like a good emotional relief so now Iām like should I find a new gf and cuddle her? Just for that emotional relief you knowā¦But I know it’s not a proper fix.
Also good news is that since my Neighbour (If you remember I play with her kid) rescued a cat and told me that I can have her as long as I want, It does making me feel little better but still making me miss her more.
And yup as you guessed Iām overeating and even (like the most time) to not overthink while eating I started watching anime or movie while having my meals.
Seems you mother was similar to mine: mostly interested in your physical nurturance (and physical well-being), but in terms of emotions, not really supportive.
Well she does asks me if Iām stressed about something or not, because they think one of the reason people are skinny is that theyāre stressed. And also, sheās not much aware about modern mental health things (Americans have like hundreds of them and like each trait have a name)
Yes, that too is typical. Iāve just watched a video on binge eating, which explains that by the evening we have already been exposed to various stressors during the day, and our stress tolerance gets depleted. Thatās why we have a greater need to soothe ourselves in the evening. Besides, thatās when most of the people come home from work and have the need to relax and unwindā¦ and so eating too much becomes a part of that ritual.
Oh thatās right it does makes sense!
The title of the video is āHow to stop binge eatingā, by psychotherapist Kati Morton. She also explains what to do to help ourselves. One of her suggestions, in fact her first suggestion, is the same what you doctor friend told you: to eat at least 3-4 times a day, and to have snacks in between to prevent getting extremely hungry and then overeat.
She has other useful tips too, like not restraining yourself and dieting because thatās only going to produce a counter-effect. Also to observe our inner voice, because the inner critic can get very loud when we overeat, or donāt eat as healthy as we would like to. I know from my own experience that I used to berate myself for my ED, and it was strengthening my inner critic, making me feel very bad about myself. And then Iād need something to soothe myself, and ended up eating again.. so it was a vicious circle.
Hmm yeah thatās true back then I used to be very aware of my āDietā and always thinking like this food is bad and that food is bad so in my early teens (When I just started using internet)
How is this food and blah blah because there would be some articles which would be saying that yeah this food is bad. So because of that I didnāt had like healthy fats and mostly pure vegetarian for a very long time, Iād be eating mostly green vegetables, No milk or even rice because I thought it makes people fat and because years of misconception my body just adapted it like that. So thatās what Iām trying to change.
She seems like a pretty self-observant person, willing to learn and grow. She was honest with you and explored the reasons why she felt like going back to her ex. And she realized that itās maybe because she is scared of being alone. But now, sheās realized that this is exactly what she needsā¦ So a learning moment for her! I like her
Haha okay so even for this Iām somewhat responsible, Because we did talk deep level things and she did asked me about the way I am and you know that she likes my āCalmā so I did tell her very clearly that itās all self-awareness and mindfulness. So she got more interested about self-improvement and stuff so
Hmmm, yeah, I mean you gave her a different perspective. And maybe she does need to find herself a little more, to become less needy and less craving for attention, for being the center of her partnerās universe. Because she did say things like that, if I remember well. If thatās the case, sheād need to learn how to be more self-sufficient. Which is what youāre an expert in
Hmm I see, So a question, so as human beings do we always try to fulfil other people that weāre good at? If so, Why is this drive?
Itās good that you donāt tolerate his open criticism, so he isnāt even trying any more. I just wanted to ask you if there was a situation where he started criticizing you but you stopped him. But then I remembered that you mentioned that you did challenge him once on the phone and told him that if he cannot talk to you normally, better not talk at all, right? And then he hang up, but then called you back a few days later?
Yes thatās right
I guess that was his lesson, and he learned that he canāt be openly rude with you. And I can imagine your mother talked to him too and convinced him to speak nicely to youā¦ So I guess he is suppressing his need to judge you, but itās still there in him, and comes out indirectly, in the form of those veiled remarks and comparisons with other people.
I guess so yeah.. They visited me this weekend with both of my siblings. And so far this time he didnāt even compared this time.
But for that, youād need to be judgment-proof. Almost like bullet-proof. Youād need to let those arrows slide from you, like from a shield. Which means that youād need to have your āarmorā on whenever you talk to your father, and not let anything in. What is also super important is to diminish the voice of your inner critic, because your inner critic is like a Trojan horse ā he opens the door and lets the arrows hit you. I am using the military analogy again, but perhaps it helps?
Yes I understood it well, Iāll try it like that
Ā
It seems to me youāre disregarding the positive input from people,
I guess because I never had that in my childhood and only criticism so now itās just hard to trust what people say
because you want to believe youāre not attractive enough. Itās like the impostor syndrome, when we believe that we cannot possibly be talented, that our success happened by chance and not by our merit. With this too ā your inner critic is telling you youāre not good looking (or not muscular enough or whatever), and you rather believe him than the feedback you receive from people.
It means should I believe in positive feedback? If so how youād determine what to let in or let out
Also just a side note, Are you working from home? I found this from a LinkedIn post, and it says whenever you’re working always play a Instrumental/LoFi music that you like… and I think it’s actually helping me focus more and somewhat in better mood and less anxious as well.
SereneWolf
ParticipantHey Tee,
no, I canāt do yoga, it can actually add to the problem, in my case. But I do other types of exercises.
Hmm I see. Have you a found new doctor?
Great, keep it up!
But lately I feel like not doing anything, hopeless and Iām missing my cat too!
Oh she said itās only your fault? Well, thatās not true really, because talking about reconciliation with her ex is a pretty big problem and it would be for any relationshipā¦
I know right?
So she isnāt going back to her ex? She wanted to return to you but you said No ā is that how it happened?
Yes. After getting back from the trip she said she thought about it a lot and she donāt think getting back together with her ex is a good idea. She did open up with me and told me maybe that idea of being alone is just scary for her and sheās just not used to it. And we talked about how I handled to live all by myself for yearsā¦
After that she was like yeah I can try for sometime without being in a relationship.
So did I just spread my disease into her? š
Ā
Yep, itās rather notoriousā¦ and it affects every part of your life. So yeah, more inner child work, self-love and all that..
For sure!
Yes, it is irritating. But you canāt really change them, so you need to learn to live with it, but not allow abuse, of course. You can tolerate it once in a while when you come to visit, but donāt allow to stick to you. Try to be like teflon ā things just slide from it and donāt stick
Haha thatās a good example. Iāll try that more since they already see me as a laid back guy it lol
Ā
You see? You too realize that self-esteem is key for not being too bothered with such comments. So you can do it too, work on loving and valuing yourself even moreā¦
Yes thatās right!
Ā
I hope all three of you will learn how to be less sensitive and more self-confident. Good that your sister too realizes that your father and grandfather wonāt change much. That means you shouldnāt even try. However, you can set boundaries and not allow verbal or emotional abuse. In fact, itās kind of a two-pronged action: you work on yourself to become less triggered, but you also set boundaries so they canāt just mistreat you without consequences.
Youāre right how can I make myself become less triggered? I mean there is boundaries there somewhat. My father doesnāt disrespect me anymore otherwise he knows Iām not going to just listen to him silently.
Okay, so that would be binge eating then. Do you have days when you eat way too much and sort of cannot control yourself?
Hmm yeah but not too often. But just today I did that. Maybe the times when I feel like not doing anything else Iād just eat.
Yeah, I am also not a breakfast person because I eat relatively late in the evening (I know, not a good strategy). So I am not hungry in the morning. But just the fact that you only have two proper meals isnāt in itself disordered eating. Itās maybe that you overeat in the evening, and you feel guilty about it? So then you starve yourself the next day, but then eat too much in the evening again? I was like that for a while, thatās why I am asking.
My mum wouldnāt allow me to eat that much late lol because her first question on the phone is always, did you ate? And yeah usually I do eat a lot in the evenings. During the day itās okay but at evening I always eat a lot.
I did talked to my doctor friend and she suggested me to have small but 4-5 meals per day for healthy weight gain but I think thatās hard to manage for me
Do you mean youād like to get praise/affirmation from people that you look good? But you said sometimes in the beginning of your posting on tinybuddha that you do get compliments for your looks, which you sort of shrug off. If I understood well?
Yes you remembered it well, Iām confused about it, because I donāt like when I need external validation, but external validation does kind of helps to believe in thingsā¦faster? I donāt know.
SereneWolf
ParticipantHey Tee,
As for myself, I too am feeling a little better. Hopefully it wonāt be temporary, like last time.
You do yoga right?
Yes, itās important that youāre aware of it and working on it. Are you still doing the journaling (writing down your fears and resentments)?
I didnāt do it while I was at my hometown but now that Iām back to the city Iāll continue.. and I do feel better while journaling. Also letting things happen by itself and just trust the divine so I donāt feel overwhelmed by everything.
Ā
I seeā¦ so youād want her to stick around to prove her love. Although you didnāt let her say āI love youā and were not showing that you care about her too muchā¦ so yes, itās kind of a contradiction. If you want her to stick around, youād need to show it tooā¦
Yes I know that, But because sheās taking time and still sticking to past, Thatās why I told her no. She reacted like I did this entirely by myself. But she didnāt argue much after that. She hugged me tight and kissed and still asked me to just friends? I said Iāll think and answer, And after I said No she said She wonāt get back together with her ex either. I said itās your decision, If you donāt need to be in rush, Donāt rush.
Okay, I understand this makes you upset, but I think the first thing you should do is become more immune to those indirect judgments. To know that you are good enough as you are. So those veiled comments will not bother you so much.
Yeah that good enough feeling isnāt that easy. Is it? haha
And then you can decide what you want to do ā whether it makes sense to ask your father not to mention other people to you, or to let it go. If you are not so triggered, it will be easier to take it lightly, e.g. to change the topic, or say āYeah, he/she is doing quite wellā (you sort of agree with them).
You donāt need to start justifying yourself, you just acknowledge that this person is doing well, while knowing inside of yourself that you too are doing well and that you are good enough. IfĀ youĀ are not judging yourself, their judgments will carry less weight too.
I mean Iām aware of that, and I donāt have like any kind of jealousy. But me and my siblings are worried that they (My Father and grandpa) arenāt like a children then they shouldnāt behave like this, They should be happy with what they have and have feeling of satisfaction. Instead of always complaining this is wrong and that is wrong. Thatās just irritating for all of us.
Good! Are your siblings supportive of you? Do they get similar treatment from your father and grandfather?
Yes Iām really lucky that my siblings are really supportive. And yeah they do get similar treatment from my father and grandfather. My little brother somewhat doesnāt much bothered because I can sense his self-esteem, But yeah heās annoyed as well, However for my sister sheās quite sensitive, Maybe even more sensitive than me. But she also accepted that there is not much chances of them changing
Ā
Ā
I just checked, BMI of 19 is not undernourished, but on the border. But you say you do a eat a lot and arenāt vomiting, which doesnāt really qualify as anorexia or bulimia. Does it mean you have periods of indulging in food and then starving yourself, not to gain weight? Because that too can be disordered eating ā sort of swinging from one extreme to the other.
Hmm well swinging from one extreme to the other Iād say yes. Also I only have two big meals per day. Lunch and dinner. I skip breakfasts.
EDs are always related to nurturance, I think. In my family, food was the only āpleasureā that was not judged, so basically it was okay if I ate a lot, I wasnāt judged for that. But I was for just about everything else. So I guess thatās also one of the reasons food became my ādrugā of choice.
Oh I see, Thatās why you had anorexia
Yes, it seems you donāt feel good enough, in this case attractive enough physically. Which is just another manifestation of feeling not good enough in general. I guess that in reality, things are a little different, because you did say earlier that you get compliments for your looks, and you do get attention from pretty girls, right? So you not feeling attractive enough is something you are telling yourself ā itās a part of your inner critic. And you know how to treat that inner critic, donāt you?
Yes I do not listen much to that critic but I think I have to get more positive input or affirmation or something like that on that part?
SereneWolf
ParticipantCoucou Tee,
Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but itās not always easy.
I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know itās not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?
But I think a part of your ācoolnessā is that you donāt actually allow yourself to get attached, because youāre afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and thatās why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.
Hmm right but Iām already working on it and I shouldnāt be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?
I know youāre not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave?
I guess the part the she isnāt sure about me, itās just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if theyāre scared theyād take actions???
On the other hand I know itās unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I donāt show her that type of connection or loveā¦
I seeā¦ theyāre not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice ā that theyāre not pleased with you and expect you to do more?
Yes Exactly!
Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?
No I didnāt. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings
Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say youāre suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if youād like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didnāt give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasnāt good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated ā feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasnāt enough (and my mother thought thatās the only thing a child needs).
I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own Iām super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but Iām not sure.
But another thing is that even though Iām insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (Iām not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls Iāve been with was like what we say āOut of my leagueā if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didnāt felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?
Oh I seeā¦ thatās frustrating when youāre trying everything, and itās still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?
Yes. Luckily itās getting much better. I found whole new way and Iām seeing good positive results
You were close to her and now she is goneā¦ I am so sorry.
Itās good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it allā¦ Hold on, SereneWolfā¦
Iām not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better.
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