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SereneWolf

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  • in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #420749
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Kon’nichiwa Tee,

    How was your weekend?

    thatā€™s the only wayā€¦ if I donā€™t accept the limitations and the hardships, and only focus on the negative, it would be much less bearable. So looking at it with a dose of optimism is the only thing that helps (besides exercise, of course)

    Thatā€™s good! Also thatā€™s why youā€™re an awesome wise mentor! šŸ˜€

    Okay, so sheā€™s one sturdy cat and you feel sheā€™s doing fine, wherever she isā€¦
    Yup.

     

    Yeah, she is probably hoping she can turn you around and make you fall in love with her. I did suggest a few posts ago (before you told me about your job loss) to stay in the relationship but work on your fear of commitment. I understand that right now, finding a new job is a priority and youā€™re only focusing on that. But do you think you would want to work on your fear of commitment some time down the line, or you want to remain an eternal bachelor, so to speak?

    Well you do have a point and Iā€™m doing like a spiral always just running away from commitment like this, and I think now Iā€™m just using bigger excuse to run away from this. I don’t know when I’ll be emotionally “available.”

    But another thing is also that I donā€™t want to settle down so soon I feel like if things go well, like my other friends 2-3 years in relationship and then get married and get kids and then have your family responsibilities. Then Iā€™d missed out on enjoying my 20ā€™s like adventure travel and etcā€¦

     

    Well yes, because she refuses to admit any fault of her own. Itā€™s easier to blame other people. Thatā€™s a hallmark of a toxic personā€¦

    Right, I get it now, main thing is that always see otherā€™s fault but not their own. But few days ago I talked to my father on the call and we talked like an hour (Which is very rare) We were talking about my little brother and how he doesnā€™t listen to him or talk to him rarely, He be like I gave all of you freedom to do anything you want (Which is somewhat right) and during the call he also said that he also could made mistakes and I was like yeah weā€™re all humans and Then told him not to worry and Iā€™ll talk to my brother

     

    When you say you made some bad choices in the past, I guess youā€™re talking about dropping out of university and graduating only later? Well, weā€™ve talked about that before: you did it because you wanted to free yourself from your fatherā€™s and grandfatherā€™s guilt-tripping and you wanted to be independent. And so you had to work to support yourself. Which lead to the delay in your studies.

    Now if you keep blaming yourself for that, youā€™ll never be free. Because you graduating a few years later doesnā€™t mean youā€™re less capable or less competent. You agreed with me that youā€™re actually a high achiever and resilient. So please stop telling yourself that old story that youā€™re a failure and lagging behind. Youā€™re right on time and you can grab the best opportunity, if you keep a positive self-image and stay optimistic.

    Yes I agree but the thing is that I still think I couldā€™ve done better, and I know I may havenā€™t enough mature to make proper decision in past but even though Now Iā€™m much more capable thereā€™s still old fear!

     

    Well, youā€™re 29. Youā€™ll be at the prime of your power for at least the next 20 years. So there will be plenty of opportunities for both career success and for traveling. But I guess when youā€™re caught in that fear (of making mistakes, or missing out), itā€™s hard to hear the rational arguments. Because I think your FOMO is a part of your inner critic. So itā€™s something that youā€™d need to actively defend yourself against and shut down that voice, because itā€™s a blind alley.

    Iā€™m freshly 28! Donā€™t make me older please šŸ˜‚ and Yeah I agree but this actively defending is seems hard! Is there any more efficient way? Like it happens in background or subconsciously etc? I’m being lazy I know Heck I even have time yet I’m not putting it for right use.. I should do that

     

    I think itā€™s a smart decision to start applying for a broader range of positions, and then switch after a while to what you really want. As for the job market, I really donā€™t know, it depends on what sector youā€™re in. If youā€™re in IT, it shouldnā€™t be that affected, although it seems that new product development might be stalling, due to people not having enough moneyā€¦

    Yeah so I have two interviews soon, and one HR was like this is an entry level position I believe youā€™re too senior for this but still if you want we can discuss further… and I do like this position even though itā€™s entry level itā€™s a really good pay even more than manager level pay. So Iā€™m thinking talking to him like Iā€™m more interested in this position for growth opportunity later onā€¦ But if you have better suggestion you can suggest me

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #420646
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    I am a bit better health-wise, so I had a good weekend. I mean, nothing special, but pleasant and mostly pain-free, which is a miracle when it happens.

    Iā€™m glad to know that. I like that you have very grateful perspective towards this.

    I am so sorry your new cat ran awayĀ Perhaps sheā€™ll come back?

    She still didnā€™t. But Iā€™m not that much worried like a cat before. Because I donā€™t know I have a feeling that sheā€™ll survive.

    Okay, so youā€™re determined not to get married. Have you ever talked about the future and topics like marriage and children? What does she say about you wanting to work remotely and possibly moving to a different city? Do you talk about that?

    I mean she already is well aware about my plans for remote working and moving to different cities and because of her profession she canā€™t do it even if she wants to, and for marriage we both decided to not rush and after that I told her no for a love relationship soā€¦

    It seems she feels the connection at the moment, as she is comforting you about your job loss and all that. She feels a certain closeness, and I guess thatā€™s why she doesnā€™t feel that youā€™re not giving her what she needs. But she did feel it in the past ā€“ thatā€™s why she was tempted to go back to her ex. So I guess right now she feels close to you, because youā€™re open to receiving her love and support. But once youā€™ll be in a better place and less fragile, she might experience that youā€™re withdrawing againā€¦

    Hmm I guess youā€™re right but I donā€™t want her to stuck with me for confusing type of love. She deserves something much more and direct, But she still wants to spend time with me because she may have that hope of finding a way to my heart key.. and because of my career now Iā€™m focused only on that instead of relationship.

    Yes, itā€™s hard to accept that. I too was hoping that my mother would realize that she hurt me and that she didnā€™t give me the kind of love I needed. But she refused to see it. She still believes she was a good mother and I am an ungrateful daughter.

    What? She still believes that she was a good mother and it was your fault?? How? Why?

    Oh I didnā€™t know there is JOMO too, as opposed to FOMOĀ But yeah, we canā€™t do everything and be at more places at one time. Life is about choices, and we choose one thing at the expense of other. Even if this other thing is also good. But still, we need to make choices and omit certain things, because our time and resources are limited. You also omit a lot during sleep, if you think about it, and yet, you need sleep, because those are your biological limits.

    Yes but the thing is that because I made some bad choices in the past now I have fear that I may make bad choices again and everyone says these years of life are golden years so itā€™s like break it or make it so later on I donā€™t want to regret that I didnā€™t make good choicesā€¦ I guess itā€™s also one of the reasons for my low self-esteem. You see what I mean?

     

    Are you worried about missing out on travel? Or youā€™re more worried about being late in your achievements and career success?

    Actually both!

    Ā Well, they are very short-sighted and stingy, and you shouldnā€™t be sorry for leaving that company. I hope youā€™ll find some place where theyā€™ll appreciate people like you more, and not take advantage of them and them toss them away

    Yes but companies are really scared of slow economy so theyā€™re putting money first instead of people.

     

    Yeah, I understand that people are rushing to find just anything, because they need the money and the opportunities are shrinking. But if you can afford to wait a little longer, then do it. Donā€™t fall for the fear that you wonā€™t find anything ā€“ because you sure will, if it comes to that. But maybe youā€™ll have to be less picky, youā€™ll see about that.

    Right so I started to apply for position that also related to Product Management means much broader and more opportunitiesā€¦ and after working like 6 months to 1 year I can start applying for the position that are stronger for PM roles because Letā€™s hope by then job market would be better? What do you think?

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #420481
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    So they donā€™t want any new development then? Perhaps they believe theyā€™ve got a hit product and they donā€™t need anything new for at least a year or so?

    Yes, I did lot of Market research during development for that so for a while they won’t need even new features for this product.

    I only wouldnā€™t agree that youā€™re getting old, but if you have a clear goal in mind (to work remotely and travel as you please), then by all means, go for it.

    I mean only reason is the I have clear goal and that’s why I’m confident about it. Lot of my friends are really compromising like just get wherever you want, But I’m really picky about it. They are scaring me more because of all the layoffs and unemployment rates are getting higher.

    If youā€™re short on money, you can still send applications to some of those less appealing places, and once you get the job at a place you like better, you can simply switch. How do you feel about that?

    Yes, I did selected some cities where I can stay little longer so I’m applying for Hybrid roles there as well

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #420480
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Ola Tee,

    How was your weekend?

    I wouldnā€™t know about that. But I guess you should train her how to use the toilette and stuff like that. Iā€™ve never had a pet, so cannot really give advice on thatā€¦

    Well actually she ran away yesterday evening ā˜¹

    So you are sure that you donā€™t want this to grow into something long term, possibly even marriage?

    Nope. No marriage

    Now, youā€™d need to chose her. I know itā€™s really hard for you, due to your attachment issues. But I am just saying ā€“ I think it would be a worthy effort to work on your fear of commitment, while in the relationship with her. I think making that effort would actually make sense, and it wouldnā€™t be a waste of time.

    So I think this would be my answer to your question:Ā So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

    Work on your fear of commitment, while staying in the relationship. Donā€™t stay in that fear forever, without challenging it. Thatā€™s my advice.

    Well lately I feel like a fraud because sheā€™s been very supportive with everything thatā€™s going on and I feel like Iā€™m using her just for my emotional comfort and physical needs not giving her the love that sheā€™s craving from me. I literally said this to her on her face because I didnā€™t want any dishonesty, but she was like Iā€™m just being silly.

     

    Yes, constant criticism and shaming is actually emotional abuse. Itā€™s actively inflicting a wound on you, telling you how bad and faulty you are. What your mother did was more like emotional neglect, I think, because she tolerated your fatherā€™s treatment of you and didnā€™t protect you from it. She wasnā€™t actively harming you, but she let your father harm you with his criticism.

    Hmm I see I understand now

    Maybe this is a silly question but I am not familiar with childrenā€™s obligations regarding financing their parents and grandparents. So you said earlier that you have a responsibility to give a certain amount to your parents monthly. Is it becauseĀ  they are not that well off, or itā€™s a custom in India and adult children are obliged to do it regardless?

    Well it is more like a custom in India. especially If youā€™re an older sibling Which I am

    As for the fact that you have such a father ā€“ youā€™ll have to mourn that, I guess. I am sorry that my mother is like she is, and that weā€™ll never have a close, loving relationship. She is incapable of that. So I gave it up. My relationship with her is very superficial. Itā€™s sad, but it canā€™t be more than that ā€“ if I want to respect myself and not allow her to hurt me.

    Yes youā€™re right and I guess Iā€™m just not able to easily accept this truth and still hoping that he might change, But we donā€™t know. So I guess thatā€™s what hard for me

    No, you needed their emotional support as a child. It was a crucial need back then and because it wasnā€™t met, it caused damages (which you are trying to rectify and heal now, as an adult). But you donā€™t need their emotional support now. Your well-being and emotional health doesnā€™t depend on it. You can get support elsewhere (in therapy, for example). You can also give yourself the support and validation that you needed from them as a child. In short, you can now become a good parent to yourself.

    Yes Iā€™m trying to be a good parent to myself, Trying to be kinder with myself day to day

    So yes, try to have more compassion for yourself, appreciate everything youā€™ve achieved so far and tell yourself that you did a great job. Be Uncle Iroh to yourself, not the heartless drill sergeantā€¦

    Yes thatā€™s what Iā€™m trying I think being mindful is really helping me a lot, So most of the time when I get negative thoughts my mind tells me not be anxious and worried and appreciate things.

    Yes, thatā€™s one of your major tasks. So now try not to blame yourself for being ā€œlateā€ and ā€œbehind scheduleā€. Youā€™re not late for anything,

    Thatā€™s one of the hardest thing I have to work on I guess, Because Iā€™m very afraid of getting older and missing out on things, and while meditation I did deep think about this matter like no matter what, we canā€™t do absolutely everything. So just learn JOMO. Joy of missing out. Being present in the moment instead of worrying about future and stuff, Donā€™t compare, Ever one of us have their own unique journey, But not easy at all my rational mind ask me lot of other questions that makes me feel behind

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #420442
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,

    it seems very short-sighted :/ So basically they fired the whole developer team because now the product is out on the market and they donā€™t need you any more?

    It is short-sighted for sure! but they are thinking how much money they’re saving for few month, and they only have two dev guys for bug fixing and in Product they only have like support girl. because they don’t want anything new

     

    I thought in case you need money, perhaps you can relax your requirements. But of course, if itā€™s not such an urgent problem, you donā€™t need to go back to the system you donā€™t like

    I mean yeah financal pressure is a real deal and I’m feeling it, but my other persona is rebeling against it like no just get what you want don’t compromise you’re gonna get what you want.

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #420289
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hi Tee,
    Do you know what caused it?

    Well they said it’s for organizational restructure and for budget purposes. But mainly we all think they don’t want to pay to people for “building” or “managing” new services just because it’s working fine now so they think they can save thousands of dollars for few months… So basically, its like the full course meal is ready for them and they going to feed themselves on for few months.

    Perhaps you can send some more applications, even for jobs that arenā€™t remote only ā€“ to increase your chances?

    Well you know I already feel missing out on things and less freedom because I had to go to the office sometimes and wasn’t able to change the cities. Now I don’t want to stuck in the same loop and feel the same way. Like I already feel like I’m getting old, and I haven’t seen this beautiful world enough..

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #420229
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    Apologies for the late reply, but I haven’t been feeling well. 40% of the workforce has been reduced at the company where I worked, and I was laid off. Now, I’m more anxious than ever to find a job.
    I still haven’t heard from the companies where I applied. I don’t know what else I can do now instead of just losing hope…

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #420050
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Heyya Tee,

    Iā€™d easily slip into depression. And I need to battle that.

    And youā€™re fighting this battleĀ  very well Tee, Keep it up šŸ˜€

     

    Haha, cats donā€™t do anything if theyā€™re not happy ā€“ they always put themselves first. So she must be happy

    I was wondering, So I have a friend who have 3 cats and her cats are so well behaved and healthy because her mother was around and I guess she taught her kitten to how to get around? But this kitten is like only a month old and she have no idea whatā€™s going on or how to do things. Thatā€™s why I have to take care of more than ā€œNormalā€

     

    She is hoping she found or will find a loophole in your armor, I guess.

    Hmm she better know how stubborn I am.

     

    Okay, if you also talk about your own vulnerability, and perhaps your own fears, and she is understanding, thatā€™s good. I guess you appreciate her being understanding and not judging you, right?

    Yes I do appreciate that, and Itā€™s not like we talking everyday but stillā€¦

     

    Iā€™ve just looked up how FWB is defined. And it doesnā€™t necessarily exclude emotional bond, but the most significant feature is lack of commitment. You said you have fear of commitment. It also makes you uncomfortable to say ā€œI love youā€ (or to hear her say it), I guess because it carries a future expectation of a committed relationship. So I guess if there is fear of the future and fear of commitment, even though youā€™re enjoying things at the moment, I guess that would still be defined as FWB.

    Hmm I see, Well I guess then itā€™s my first FWB? Lol šŸ˜‚

    And yeah there is fear of commitment there, I accept that, but you know that I donā€™t want to move forward than FWB with this girl, So should I stay put and live in the moment while it last or should I do something else?

     

    Not sure I understand your question. The article talks about how itā€™s easy to fall in love, when hormones are high and we might be seeing the person through rose-colored glasses. But once the honeymoon phase is over, we need to make an effort to understand the person, to work on ourselves and our own issues, to not project things on them etc. In that sense, love requires effort.

    Ah thatā€™s right and thatā€™s why lot of young people are like that because most of the people donā€™t like to put real efforts for love. They quit after the honeymoon phase. Iā€™m also did something similar, Whenever my relationship got complex, I just quit it. Though I did feel like I did put lot of efforts.

    Ā 

    Okay, so try to reduce reading about those mega success stories, because it makes you feel bad about yourself. And it would make most people bad about themselves. Itā€™s the worse when we compare ourselves to others, and thatā€™s exactly what your father and grandfather were doing to you, and now youā€™re doing it to yourself.

    Yes youā€™re right. Iā€™m not using twitter anymore. I uninstalled it.

     

    I wish you success!

    Thanks a lot! šŸ˜€

    Ā 

    You mean he tried to hit you and your mother only twice? But I thought heā€™d get angry with you often and scolded you for even the slightest mistake. You said he made you feel dumb whenever you made a mistake (the minute I make a mistake Iā€™m dumb). He was also comparing you to other students, telling you you should be grateful for the material support he is providing and why canā€™t you learn better. He was also having perfectionist expectations on you. All this is emotional abuse, even though he wasnā€™t physically violent.

    I mean, his criticism didnā€™t happen only twice, right? He wasnā€™t displeased with you only twice, but it was a common theme, it happened all the time. You grew up feeling not good enough, due to his constant criticism and shaming. Thatā€™s emotional abuse, SereneWolf, not emotional neglect.

    Ah Okay I see now, so his constant criticism and perfectionist expectations are also count as an emotional abuse. I thought itā€™s emotional neglect because he didnā€™t care about my emotions or even noticed but I see your point now. I have to talk about this to my therapist as well!

    Yeah, thatā€™s passive aggression, Iā€™d say. He doesnā€™t want to say what he needs directly, but is scolding you and your brother for not reading his mind and assuming what he needs. He is making you guilty for something thatā€™s not your fault at all.

    Yeah I know right!? I was this close to lose my mind. I mean whatā€™s problem in just saying clearly?

    Not willing to take responsibility for oneā€™s actions and always blaming others is a mark of a toxic personality. It seems he is now less ā€œin your faceā€ about his expectations, but still does that indirectly, without saying it out loud, but still you can feel the sting.

    I guess youā€™re right. How should I save myself from this? Even building boundaries isnā€™t working much. And Iā€™m aware itā€™s his problem not mine but it does bother me.

     

    Yes, they (your father and grandfather) made you feel guilty if you brought home anything less than straight As, right? They made themselves into martyrs, while you were the bad, ungrateful son/grandson for disappointing them and ā€œtorturingā€ them like that.

    That was putting so much pressure on you. No wonder you felt like a burden ā€“ because they made you feel like one. And then you left home, because you didnā€™t want to be guilt-tripped by them any more, right? You rejected their ā€œnurturanceā€. You told your father: ā€œI donā€™t need your help to take care of myself. I know how to handle things.ā€Ā So you were fed up with his guilt tripping and making you feel like a burden. You decided to be on your own. ā€œSelf-sufficientā€ at 16.

    But do you see how this ā€œself-sufficiencyā€ is a defense mechanism? It was born out of being blamed all the time, feeling like a burden all the time, and wanting to break free from that. With moving out, you basically told your father ā€œI donā€™t need anything from youā€. But thatā€™s not true ā€“ the child always needs support from their parents, both material and emotional. But this was a defense mechanism, because you didnā€™t want to endure that blame and guilt-tripping any more.

    Yes you understood very well! But after all this you still think I need emotional support of my parents? Because I just started to feel validated without their validation.

    So I started working much earlier without even getting my bachelorā€™s first then I was blaming myself that I didnā€™t focused on my studies like other people otherwise Iā€™d be more educated nowā€¦

    In order to support yourself, you had to work, and so no wonder that you couldnā€™t get your bachelorā€™s degree on time. But then you blamed yourself for not studying enough like other people. Well, now itā€™s time to stop blaming yourself and understand that leaving home was a self-protection mechanism, born out of despair and not wanting to be abused any more.Ā  So instead of blaming yourself, try to find compassion for yourself ā€“ for the young boy of 16 who ventured out into the world to support himself, because his family was emotionally so cruel to him. So rejecting. So conditional love.

    And congratulate yourself because youā€™ve managed to get your bachelorā€™s later on, in spite of working full time, which is always much harder. And now youā€™re even in the process of getting a masterā€™s degree, if I remember well? So congratulate yourself for all your educational achievements, even if you got them a few years later than planned, due to objective circumstances.

    Remember, youā€™re not lazy and ā€œgood for nothingā€, but itā€™s that you needed to work in parallel with studying, which makes you actually a high achiever. Even though your father believes you are ā€œless thanā€, tell yourself that you are a high achiever and very resilient. Because you made it in spite of the objective difficulties.

    Wow thatā€™s powerful! Thanks a lot Tee, Thanks for pointing out and made me more aware about this! And yes I think main reason for all this is that Iā€™ve always been and still blaming myself for everything that happened. Being too much ā€œSelf-sufficientā€ like itā€™s all my responsibility, Like I couldā€™ve done better, even though I was just doing things as per my circumstances. Thatā€™s why itā€™s been hard for me find compassion for myself. And yes Iā€™m indeed a high achiever and very resilient. Thanks again for your positive reminder! I appreciate it šŸ¤—

     

    Oh yes, neuroplasticity is a great thing, because our neural circuits can literally change as we focus on positive things and start having a more positive mindset.

    Yes it is!

     

    Well, it seems like youā€™re still comparing yourself to others in terms of professional success, and are feeling ā€œless thanā€ and that you havenā€™t achieved enough etc. I hope what I said above might help you put things into perspective and have more empathy for yourself and your life path so far.

    Yes youā€™re right and yeah what you said is really helpful! I did learned empathy but for others, I think I still have to learn having more empathy and compassion for myself.

    Yes, try to focus less on other peopleā€™s achievements. Donā€™t compare yourself to others. We all have our individual stories and our unique challenges. We also all have different lessons to learn in life. You only need to focus on yourself and your own life.

    100% Right!

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #419811
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    my condition is still fluctuating, so I am still looking for something to give me better relief. But not losing hope, soā€¦

    Oh Iā€™m sorry to hear that, But itā€™s really impressive itā€™s been a while and youā€™re still standing strong with hope. Love that. Your strong spirit is helping you for not getting weaker. I hope you feel better soon.

    Good ā€“ seems she is getting more tame as the time goes by

    Yeah but cats doesnā€™t smile like dogs, So Iā€™m worried if sheā€™s happy with me lol

    Ā 

    Yeah, sure, sharing intimacy, being vulnerable, opening up when something is bothering usā€¦ itā€™s precious to have someone we can do that with, without being judged and ridiculed.

    Yup that is REALLY precious

    Ā 

    Yes, I think so too. She is hoping you would come around and start really bonding with her. She is hoping sheā€™ll melt you finally

    Well is that her overconfidence or she found some loophole? šŸ˜‚

    Ā 

    Okay, she is taking the conscious riskā€¦

    Doctors are good at taking risks you know

    What are you craving from her?

    Iā€™m not sure, Itā€™s been a while since Iā€™m little vulnerable with someone, Sheā€™s understanding so we talk about lot of stuff. And yeah, I did have physical cravings for so long. That includes hand holdings to all the way to sleeping together.

     

    I think that women bond quicker emotionally if there is sex involved. So if you keep having sex, sheā€™ll definitely get even more attached, while for you itā€™s a question, specially since you have attachment issues. But it seems she is willing to take that risk, since she is hoping you might change (or that she might change you)ā€¦

    Oh I see thatā€™s interesting, Since women are naturally more emotional thatā€™s why sex affects them even more, But the thing is that even though I have attachment issues, I do get attached with women even though itā€™s not only for sex. Otherwise FWB would be easier for me. Because even for sex I need to have at least good level of trust, bond and attraction.

    Yeah, maybe itā€™s like Facebook ā€“ you start comparing yourself to other people and start feeling less thanā€¦ so probably LinkedIn is something that triggers your inner critic and makes you feel bad about yourself. Maybe it would be better if you didnā€™t read those success stories, but only the information related to job openingsā€¦

    Yes even in Twitter just influencer gurus are everywhere, Do this and change your life, 7 figure income in your 20s and blah blah blah they make it sounds so easy, and be like itā€™s that easy why youā€™re not doing it?

     

    Are you still trying to find a completely remote job, so you can work from anywhere?

    Yes mam, I have some interviews soon

    She tried to calm you (the child) down, so you wouldnā€™t provoke him (the adult)?

    I think so yeah

    It seems your father wasnā€™t just an emotionally bully, but also potentially a physical bully, and there was a danger of domestic violence. And so your mother did everything to prevent that violence ā€“ by basically being obedient and trying to appease him, and also trying to control you and reason with you to be more ā€œmatureā€ (even if you were just a child).

    Your grandfather was similar in character to him, and I guess your father actually received a similar treatment from his own father, right?

    Yes thatā€™s right

    It was only your grandmother (your fatherā€™s mother?) who warned him and he sort of admitted that it wasnā€™t the right thing to do. After that, has he tried to hit you or your mother again, or that was the only incident?

    My fatherā€™s mother. After that he never tried to hit me or even raise his voice to my mother or me. Like I said only two times it happened but it was traumatic enough for me, Before I was in primary school and I donā€™t even remember it properly, But also that time I raised my voice at him.

    Just today Me and my brother talked to him on conference call, He was like you’re both adults you should know things I shouldn’t have to tell you. and I told him clearly that I don’t prefer just assuming things, whatever is it just say things clearly. He’s like no you’re adults you should be aware about this. and the matter was that my grandparents are sick so he be like me and my brother are irrepressible for not knowing to offer for more financial help. I mean we knew that they’re sick but how we’d know that they need more help? and he was like I waited for days that you’d call and offer? I’m like what? Just don’t wait and tell me things like that directly! He was like this is common sense so you should know. Really made me angry šŸ™„

    But I guess his mindset didnā€™t change much. He thought he can yell at you and bully you as much as he pleases, while you should stay silent and ā€œrespectā€ your father. That father is ā€œgodā€ and children shouldnā€™t talk back. A very toxic attitude.

    YES EXACTLY! He think everything he does is right and it always otherā€™s fault.

    And I guess you didnā€™t want to bow down to him, you didnā€™t want to show respect to him, and thatā€™s what caused friction. And I guess thatā€™s why you left home so early?

    Since my teenage I was very clear about values that I respect and even at that age lot of things which was ā€œCoolā€ for other kids was clearly nonsense for me. So clearly his unfair anger was really irritating for me, And my main reason to left home early was to get freedom and stand up by myself. And sorta tell my father that I donā€™t need your help to take care of myself. I know how to handle things. So thatā€™s what I did.

    Another thing is that when you have that kind toxic person around you donā€™t feel that good you know so I just wanted to leaveā€¦

    He was extremely toxic, SereneWolf. He brutally criticized and shamed you for even the slightest mistake. No wonder you got traumatized by that. He expected you to be ā€œgratefulā€ for the material stuff that he was providing, while of course you couldnā€™t be grateful when he was putting you down so mercilessly.

    Emotional support is much more important for a child than having material abundance. He gave zero emotional support. What you experienced from him was emotional abuse. (In the beginning you said youā€™re suffering from childhood emotional neglect. Well, this was not neglect, this was emotional abuse.)

    Itā€™s emotional abuse even it happened one or two times?

    Who is ā€œtheyā€? Your father and grandfather?

    Yes

    No wonder you started having issues at school later ā€“ it could have been a consequence of the emotional abuse youā€™ve been experiencing at home. You were under so much pressure you couldnā€™t take it any more. It could have even been a way of rebelling too. Sometimes we rebel because we canā€™t bear to be oppressed like that. I guess one way you rebelled was to leave home, but perhaps having issues at school was another way, only subconscious?

    Yes it made me so desperate to just earn and live on my own, I didnā€™t wanted to be burden on them. They always made me feel like they did so much for me and it felt like burden to me! So I started working much earlier without even getting my bachelorā€™s first then I was blaming myself that I didnā€™t focused on my studies like other people otherwise Iā€™d be more educated nowā€¦

     

    Thatā€™s great! Maybe the term youā€™re looking for is self-fulfilling prophecy: you expect good things, and then good things happen to you. And vice versa. In any case, I am glad that youā€™re more open to praise and that it helps you feel better about yourself.

    I searched itā€™s called experience-dependent neuroplasticity. When we focus on the good, Good happens. Itā€™s about positive mindset or positive perspective of life

    When you heal your inner child and completely dismiss the inner criticā€¦ but youā€™re doing great, youā€™re making progressā€¦

    So currently what internal challenges that I have? What do you think?

    Maybe the drill sergeant shows up when youā€™re looking at LinkedIn and start comparing yourself with others? This voice is actually your fatherā€™s and grandfatherā€™s voice, because they were always comparing you with others. Itā€™s great you have Uncle Iroh as the antidote!

    Right Iā€™m just trying to consume less information. Thereā€™s just too much noise everywhere. In this noise it feels like my own inner voice is getting lost.

    Well, one explanation could be that love is not just words (ā€œI love youā€), itā€™s also deeds ā€“ the things we do to show our love and appreciation every day. Okay, Iā€™ve just looked it up, and the first thing that came up in search was an article titled ā€œWhy love is a choice you make every day.ā€

    The article is worth reading, but basically the main point is: ā€œIt may feel easy to find love at first ā€“ your hormones are leading the way. Building love, which implies emotional intimacy, may take effort and action.ā€

    From the PsychCentral? I mean like does that mean we should do everything out of love not for the love?

     

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #419708
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Bonjour Tee,

    How are you doing? Howā€™s your weekend going?

    Ā How are you getting along with her? Does she allow to be cuddled?

    Well now she does. She just comes and sleeps on my lap or belly occasionally. She also let me pet her head when sheā€™s in the mood otherwise my finger is like a chewing toy for her.

    Yes, itā€™s good to have someone to share difficult moments with, not to be alone with our grief. But having a partner just so they can console us in hard times would be a bit unfair to them. I mean, the goal would be to have a full spectrum of emotional intimacy, in both good and bad times. Thatā€™s the point of a healthy relationship.

    I mean yeah I know that thatā€™s what relationship is about sharing intimacy. So I didnā€™t mean only for grief, Obviously something more than that

     

    Hmmmā€¦ I thought she was smarter than that. Instead of learning to be on her own for a while, she offered you a friends-with-benefits arrangement. Thatā€™s hurtful, specially for women, because they usually get more attached than men. And in the case of you two, we know that she is much more attached to you than you to her. So I think she is putting herself in a situation which she will regret.

    I feel sheā€™s acting like one of my first LDR (Long-term) girl, She also acted like this because she doesnā€™t want to lose contact. I guess she still may have hope that she can change things. And another thing is that I still do enjoy talking to her and we talk about lot of things than just sex. Sex is just like a plus point. Also sheā€™s aware that I have no experience for FWB yet or neither does she. So I wonā€™t be purely doing that. Other intimate things will be included. Women are like clever fox lol

    What you really think women get attached than men? But yeah for this case yes.

    And we did talked about it very openly and I said if we still continue like this it would be harder to move on later on. She said she is aware of this but she said she would even like this regret. So I said itā€™s not wrong to create more memories together. But I did said Iā€™m not sure so we still take things slowlyā€¦ and I accept I do crave things from her thatā€™s why Iā€™m not able to directly say No to her.

    Well, I personally donā€™t view sex in the same rank of physical needs as eating, drinking or getting enough sleep. Itā€™s not a part of self-care. So I donā€™t think it will help you be more productive, if thatā€™s what you meant. But you know yourself best ā€“ have you noticed that sex makes you more productive at work?

    I mean you know you didnā€™t had sex for a very long time and then suddenly sex is in your routine? You know because of my past LDRs I wasnā€™t able do physical things. So it kinda makes me feel like desperate for sex? Yet I do still try to control myself but her libido is also high so it doesnā€™t help much. And I love morning sex it makes me feel energetic and it fills me up with good vibes and after having morning sex I donā€™t have any sexual or needy thoughts during the day you knowā€¦

     

    You feel that anxiety in social situations or with work-related tasks?

    Yes, mainly work and career related things. Maybe I should use LinkedIn less. It makes me feel behind and somewhat jealous and question my abilities. In LinkedIn there are informative stuff but also lot of ā€œSuccessā€ posting so..

    Also lot of company is laying off people, so I just started to apply for different positions while ago which is also the stressful situation because even after applying for lot of job there isnā€™t much positive feedback yet

    I am happy if they did show emotional support in some situations. But your mother, if I understood well, was your fatherā€™s enabler. She enabled him to criticize you and verbally abuse you without intervening. She basically told you to endure it and to be ā€œmatureā€ about it. She failed to protect you. Thatā€™s a big omission. And itā€™s not something that happened once or twice, but consistently. The whole situation was so unbearable that you left home at the age of 16. Those are no small thingsā€¦

    Yeah thatā€™s like we talked before, Even though your father was aware he wasnā€™t able to protect you, So is my mother. And another thing I guess I didnā€™t told you is that my mother was worried about physical fight and something would happen to me, because if I remember only two times my father lost control and tried to physically hurt me and also hurt my mother when she tried to save me and when I saw that I didnā€™t showed him respect like I donā€™t care who you are you canā€™t treat us like that it would made him even more angry he be like you canā€™t disrespect me like that donā€™t raise your voice in front of me. And I would just be like this is nonsense and go to my room and not talk him for a day or two. And yet all my family (Not my siblings) is like itā€™s just his anger he didnā€™t mean any harm. Iā€™m like Iā€™m the kid here or is heā€™s the kid that he canā€™t even control his anger? You can bow down to his anger but I wonā€™t. Literally even my relatives says like oh just ignore that he just have some anger tendenciesā€¦ A good son shouldnā€™t disrespect his father. But that time only my grandma told him like what are you even doing? Thatā€™s how you treat your kids? and he did accept that it was his fault and heā€™s sorry. Only to my grandma not in front of me. Otherwise, his ā€œprideā€ would hurt. And after that my mother knew that If anything happens again Iā€™d disrespect him again and it would make things worse between us.

    Sorry for long rant

    Okay, so you felt your father was kind and ā€œlovingā€ to you only if you performed well at school? You felt that when he praised you, he expected no less than top performance from you? You had to be No1, or else he wouldnā€™t be pleased? (I am just trying to understand what you said earlier that you felt that people are insincere when they praise you and that they want something in return. So perhaps this behavior doesnā€™t come from your mother, but from your father?)

    Yes thatā€™s right and the minute I make a mistake Iā€™m dumb. He be like I did this and that and some people are not even able to provide daily necessities to their kids and yet theyā€™re performing well then what do you need? They didnā€™t tell this to my face but I knew their thinking and I did like studying they never had to tell me like go and study like my siblings. They still believe Iā€™m a ā€œgood performingā€ student even though my attention span and curiosity for studying is worse now

     

    Itā€™s good that youā€™re more open to compliments. Because if the inner critic is strong, it will disregard even the strongest evidence. That happens in the impostor syndrome. But if you silence the inner critic a bit and allow yourself to receive praise, without immediately dismissing it, thatā€™s a good start.

    I donā€™t remember whatā€™s that term called but itā€™s like what you think is what you see? So I guess if Iā€™m hearing good things about myself, I do feel good things about myself and after that I notice even more better things..

    Allow yourself to receive that praise from your therapist and accept that youā€™re actually doing good and having results pretty quickly. So donā€™t dismiss it as false praise, but allow yourself to be satisfied with yourself.

    Ah the feeling of satisfied with myself! Damn when will I get that? But yeah I started to take positive praise with some critical thinking so Iā€™m not dismissing entirely. Weā€™re imperfect beings after all, Always evolving like universe, and weā€™re part of this universe so..

    Ā 

    Right. So the drill sergeant is still active, still pushing you to do more and faster. Try to notice it and then stop yourself, i.e. invite the good general (forgot his name, sorry) to come to your rescue and send the drill sergeant away.

    Yeah that drill sergeant! I do think most of the time heā€™s not even there he just comes up when Iā€™m feeling down about something and I do try to listen to Good general (Uncle Iroh)

    Now I do have friendly inner voice and him. Like I said before I act like Iā€™m my own friend and try to handle the situation if Iā€™m telling myself bad things and Uncle Iroh kinda makes it even better.

     

    Just yesterday I read on a post that says ā€œLove is not just a feeling, It is a daily choice that we make.ā€ What does that mean? Can you elaborate if you know?

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #419282
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Heyya Tee,

    How’s your weekend going?

    Yeah sure, thatā€™s what I meant: you were/are feeling down because you are missing your cat. And thatā€™s what makes you more susceptible to overeating (which is a form of misguided self-soothing and self-regulation). We feel comforted when we eat, and you needed comfort, so itā€™s kind of logicalā€¦

    That makes sense

    Hahaā€¦ no. If caring about your cat and petting her gave you emotional relief, you should find a new cat, not a new girlfriend

    I kinda already have a new cat (Even though itā€™s not mine) But I mean like someone to share that grief with?

    Thatā€™s nice of your neighbor, but perhaps you need a little more time before adopting another cat?

    I guess so because she makes me miss her even more. Although sheā€™s a feral cat. So not easy to handle. She almost looks like a tiny cute cheetah.

    Usually when we watch TV while eating, we end up eating more, because we donā€™t really pay attention to food and our sense of being satiated. Is this your experience too?

    Yes it’s like that

    Btw, are you binge eating on healthy food or comfort food, if I may ask?

    Iā€™m very aware of what I eat so 99% of the time itā€™s heathy handmade cooked food.

    Rightā€¦ well, itā€™s still primarily your physical looks/well-being that she is interested in. Because she notices that youā€™re skinny, and so she asks if youā€™re stressed. Maybe she is interested in your emotional well-being too. But to be honest, based on what you told me about your childhood, I donā€™t think your mother had/has a real interest in your emotional well-being. Because when you were exposed to your fatherā€™s rage attacks, she would tell you to tolerate it and not make a fuss about it. So thatā€™s not really emotionally supportive.

    Well you do have a point there but we canā€™t point out that single thing for her emotional support can we? Because she and my grandma lifted me up when I was feeling down time to time.

    Oh so you were basically vegan! Thatā€™s tough, I tried it once, and it was too much for me. I would be fine being a vegetarian, I donā€™t really need meat. But I do need dairy products, so veganism is not for me.

    Well yeah I started to like dairy products more, Specially yogurt and buttermilk. I still donā€™t consume cheesy things, but Iā€™ll try more cheesy recipes when Iā€™m in different country.

    Coolā€¦ But one thing to keep in mind is that a part of your ā€œcalmnessā€ is suppressing your anger, right? I mean, you appear calm in front of people, but inside you might be boiling. Thatā€™s a very useful skill (control of emotional reactions), and I guess you developed it by mindfulness? But on the log run, the goal is to heal some of that anger, so that you donā€™t feel so threatened and afraid of judgment in social situations.

    Yes I agree with you, But nowadays I feel anxious and scared like lot of What Ifs, What if it this happens and what if this goes wrong which is depleting my energy and self-esteem

    Ā 

    Yes, we are attracted to people who possess the qualities we donā€™t, or which we might have suppressed. So if you are calm (or at least seem calm) and detached, and she is too emotionally reactive, your calmness and poise is what might have attracted her to you. So what we believe we miss, we look for in others. Or for example, the person who is shy and lacks self-esteem might be attracted to someone who is self-confident and extroverted.

    Ahh Right I guess thatā€™s what happened between me and her. And yeah Iā€™m somewhat easily attracted to ā€œExtrovertedā€ Types but then I find them too muchā€¦ But tbh finding introvert girl isnā€™t easy and even if you do you have to have lot of patience and itā€™s irritating if there will be no results after the input.

    Talking about her, we met yesterday and she asked me that if itā€™s okay If we still be in physical things. And Iā€™m thinking about saying yes. Because maybe ignoring my physical needs isnā€™t letting me properly focus on more important day to day things?

    Thatā€™s good! He might have sensed that youā€™re fragile and sad, due to your catā€™s death, and so he was behaving himself. Or perhaps even your mother told him to behave himselfā€¦

    I donā€™t know what happened but Iā€™m glad at least he sensed that much or even listened to my mother.

    I understandā€¦ you believe everybody is like your father or grandfather. Or maybe like your mother, who wasnā€™t always honest with you? (You did say you donā€™t like when people act kind to you, only to get something from you. And I think you mentioned your family in that context too.) So you might have a really bad model there: the people closest to you either being very judgmental, or not being honest (not having the purest intentions) when they praised you?

    Yes thatā€™s right thatā€™s how it was in my childhood, For example my father gave me the very expensive bike because I ranked first in my primary school.

    Well, we need to have discernment of course. But if you hear the same praise from more people, that should tell you itā€™s most probably true. If you cannot accept compliment at all, thatā€™s a sign that the inner critic has the upper hand.

    Iā€™m just starting to be more open about compliments. Before I wouldnā€™t even give an attention to it. Now I think it would be better for my self-esteem. Because it has more ā€œEvidenceā€ to backup. Because inner critic is super rational and have more negative perception and I think providing evidence would help.

     

    Also I had a session with my therapist. She said Iā€™m doing good so far.

    She even told me that I donā€™t listen to my inner critic that much like before, Which is impressive she said that lot of the people she worked with it took lot of time but Iā€™m doing well in shorter time span. She also said how much things Iā€™m doing on my own (Also with your help šŸ˜‰ So thanks)

    She asked me lot of questions about my current situation and how I feel. And said that my inner child wants to live in slower pace, but my fierce need to get things done doesnā€™t letting it happen. Thatā€™s why I feel restless. And like that I have many two-faced tendencies like that I need to work on.

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #419034
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hello Tee,

    I am on the lookout for other healing modalities, since the pain is fluctuating, it always comes back. So I need to find something that will give me a more lasting relief.

    I see, I hope you find a good one. Take care of yourself šŸ˜Š
    How’s your weekend going?

    I am sorry about that. It could be that the loss of your cat leads you to feeling more sensitive and down. And this can contribute to resorting to self-soothing tools, such as overeating. Because a lot of us use food to soothe ourselves, specially if the only nurturing we had in childhood was physical nurturing. If instead of being emotionally nurtured, we were given food whenever we were upset, thatā€™s a perfect recipe for developing eating disorders later.

    I mean youā€™re right but I think itā€™s also could be like Iā€™m not someone who mostly misses someone? Not even people who are really close to me, But I do miss my cat maybe thatā€™s why? Because itā€™s kind of a dysregulation? And I accept that she did gave me like a good emotional relief so now Iā€™m like should I find a new gf and cuddle her? Just for that emotional relief you knowā€¦But I know it’s not a proper fix.

    Also good news is that since my Neighbour (If you remember I play with her kid) rescued a cat and told me that I can have her as long as I want, It does making me feel little better but still making me miss her more.

    And yup as you guessed Iā€™m overeating and even (like the most time) to not overthink while eating I started watching anime or movie while having my meals.

    Seems you mother was similar to mine: mostly interested in your physical nurturance (and physical well-being), but in terms of emotions, not really supportive.

    Well she does asks me if Iā€™m stressed about something or not, because they think one of the reason people are skinny is that theyā€™re stressed. And also, sheā€™s not much aware about modern mental health things (Americans have like hundreds of them and like each trait have a name)

    Yes, that too is typical. Iā€™ve just watched a video on binge eating, which explains that by the evening we have already been exposed to various stressors during the day, and our stress tolerance gets depleted. Thatā€™s why we have a greater need to soothe ourselves in the evening. Besides, thatā€™s when most of the people come home from work and have the need to relax and unwindā€¦ and so eating too much becomes a part of that ritual.

    Oh thatā€™s right it does makes sense!

    The title of the video is ā€œHow to stop binge eatingā€œ, by psychotherapist Kati Morton. She also explains what to do to help ourselves. One of her suggestions, in fact her first suggestion, is the same what you doctor friend told you: to eat at least 3-4 times a day, and to have snacks in between to prevent getting extremely hungry and then overeat.

    She has other useful tips too, like not restraining yourself and dieting because thatā€™s only going to produce a counter-effect. Also to observe our inner voice, because the inner critic can get very loud when we overeat, or donā€™t eat as healthy as we would like to. I know from my own experience that I used to berate myself for my ED, and it was strengthening my inner critic, making me feel very bad about myself. And then Iā€™d need something to soothe myself, and ended up eating again.. so it was a vicious circle.

    Hmm yeah thatā€™s true back then I used to be very aware of my ā€œDietā€ and always thinking like this food is bad and that food is bad so in my early teens (When I just started using internet)

    How is this food and blah blah because there would be some articles which would be saying that yeah this food is bad. So because of that I didnā€™t had like healthy fats and mostly pure vegetarian for a very long time, Iā€™d be eating mostly green vegetables, No milk or even rice because I thought it makes people fat and because years of misconception my body just adapted it like that. So thatā€™s what Iā€™m trying to change.

    She seems like a pretty self-observant person, willing to learn and grow. She was honest with you and explored the reasons why she felt like going back to her ex. And she realized that itā€™s maybe because she is scared of being alone. But now, sheā€™s realized that this is exactly what she needsā€¦ So a learning moment for her! I like her

    Haha okay so even for this Iā€™m somewhat responsible, Because we did talk deep level things and she did asked me about the way I am and you know that she likes my ā€œCalmā€ so I did tell her very clearly that itā€™s all self-awareness and mindfulness. So she got more interested about self-improvement and stuff so

    Hmmm, yeah, I mean you gave her a different perspective. And maybe she does need to find herself a little more, to become less needy and less craving for attention, for being the center of her partnerā€™s universe. Because she did say things like that, if I remember well. If thatā€™s the case, sheā€™d need to learn how to be more self-sufficient. Which is what youā€™re an expert in

    Hmm I see, So a question, so as human beings do we always try to fulfil other people that weā€™re good at? If so, Why is this drive?

    Itā€™s good that you donā€™t tolerate his open criticism, so he isnā€™t even trying any more. I just wanted to ask you if there was a situation where he started criticizing you but you stopped him. But then I remembered that you mentioned that you did challenge him once on the phone and told him that if he cannot talk to you normally, better not talk at all, right? And then he hang up, but then called you back a few days later?

    Yes thatā€™s right

    I guess that was his lesson, and he learned that he canā€™t be openly rude with you. And I can imagine your mother talked to him too and convinced him to speak nicely to youā€¦ So I guess he is suppressing his need to judge you, but itā€™s still there in him, and comes out indirectly, in the form of those veiled remarks and comparisons with other people.

    I guess so yeah.. They visited me this weekend with both of my siblings. And so far this time he didnā€™t even compared this time.

    But for that, youā€™d need to be judgment-proof. Almost like bullet-proof. Youā€™d need to let those arrows slide from you, like from a shield. Which means that youā€™d need to have your ā€œarmorā€ on whenever you talk to your father, and not let anything in. What is also super important is to diminish the voice of your inner critic, because your inner critic is like a Trojan horse ā€“ he opens the door and lets the arrows hit you. I am using the military analogy again, but perhaps it helps?

    Yes I understood it well, Iā€™ll try it like that

    Ā 

    It seems to me youā€™re disregarding the positive input from people,

    I guess because I never had that in my childhood and only criticism so now itā€™s just hard to trust what people say

    because you want to believe youā€™re not attractive enough. Itā€™s like the impostor syndrome, when we believe that we cannot possibly be talented, that our success happened by chance and not by our merit. With this too ā€“ your inner critic is telling you youā€™re not good looking (or not muscular enough or whatever), and you rather believe him than the feedback you receive from people.

    It means should I believe in positive feedback? If so how youā€™d determine what to let in or let out

    Also just a side note, Are you working from home? I found this from a LinkedIn post, and it says whenever you’re working always play a Instrumental/LoFi music that you like… and I think it’s actually helping me focus more and somewhat in better mood and less anxious as well.

     

     

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #418802
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    no, I canā€™t do yoga, it can actually add to the problem, in my case. But I do other types of exercises.

    Hmm I see. Have you a found new doctor?

    Great, keep it up!

    But lately I feel like not doing anything, hopeless and Iā€™m missing my cat too!

    Oh she said itā€™s only your fault? Well, thatā€™s not true really, because talking about reconciliation with her ex is a pretty big problem and it would be for any relationshipā€¦

    I know right?

    So she isnā€™t going back to her ex? She wanted to return to you but you said No ā€“ is that how it happened?

    Yes. After getting back from the trip she said she thought about it a lot and she donā€™t think getting back together with her ex is a good idea. She did open up with me and told me maybe that idea of being alone is just scary for her and sheā€™s just not used to it. And we talked about how I handled to live all by myself for yearsā€¦

    After that she was like yeah I can try for sometime without being in a relationship.

    So did I just spread my disease into her? šŸ˜‚

    Ā 

    Yep, itā€™s rather notoriousā€¦ and it affects every part of your life. So yeah, more inner child work, self-love and all that..

    For sure!

    Yes, it is irritating. But you canā€™t really change them, so you need to learn to live with it, but not allow abuse, of course. You can tolerate it once in a while when you come to visit, but donā€™t allow to stick to you. Try to be like teflon ā€“ things just slide from it and donā€™t stick

    Haha thatā€™s a good example. Iā€™ll try that more since they already see me as a laid back guy it lol

    Ā 

    You see? You too realize that self-esteem is key for not being too bothered with such comments. So you can do it too, work on loving and valuing yourself even moreā€¦

    Yes thatā€™s right!

    Ā 

    I hope all three of you will learn how to be less sensitive and more self-confident. Good that your sister too realizes that your father and grandfather wonā€™t change much. That means you shouldnā€™t even try. However, you can set boundaries and not allow verbal or emotional abuse. In fact, itā€™s kind of a two-pronged action: you work on yourself to become less triggered, but you also set boundaries so they canā€™t just mistreat you without consequences.

    Youā€™re right how can I make myself become less triggered? I mean there is boundaries there somewhat. My father doesnā€™t disrespect me anymore otherwise he knows Iā€™m not going to just listen to him silently.

    Okay, so that would be binge eating then. Do you have days when you eat way too much and sort of cannot control yourself?

    Hmm yeah but not too often. But just today I did that. Maybe the times when I feel like not doing anything else Iā€™d just eat.

     

    Yeah, I am also not a breakfast person because I eat relatively late in the evening (I know, not a good strategy). So I am not hungry in the morning. But just the fact that you only have two proper meals isnā€™t in itself disordered eating. Itā€™s maybe that you overeat in the evening, and you feel guilty about it? So then you starve yourself the next day, but then eat too much in the evening again? I was like that for a while, thatā€™s why I am asking.

    My mum wouldnā€™t allow me to eat that much late lol because her first question on the phone is always, did you ate? And yeah usually I do eat a lot in the evenings. During the day itā€™s okay but at evening I always eat a lot.

    I did talked to my doctor friend and she suggested me to have small but 4-5 meals per day for healthy weight gain but I think thatā€™s hard to manage for me

     

    Do you mean youā€™d like to get praise/affirmation from people that you look good? But you said sometimes in the beginning of your posting on tinybuddha that you do get compliments for your looks, which you sort of shrug off. If I understood well?

    Yes you remembered it well, Iā€™m confused about it, because I donā€™t like when I need external validation, but external validation does kind of helps to believe in thingsā€¦faster? I donā€™t know.

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #418530
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Hey Tee,

    As for myself, I too am feeling a little better. Hopefully it wonā€™t be temporary, like last time.

    You do yoga right?

     

    Yes, itā€™s important that youā€™re aware of it and working on it. Are you still doing the journaling (writing down your fears and resentments)?

    I didnā€™t do it while I was at my hometown but now that Iā€™m back to the city Iā€™ll continue.. and I do feel better while journaling. Also letting things happen by itself and just trust the divine so I donā€™t feel overwhelmed by everything.

    Ā 

    I seeā€¦ so youā€™d want her to stick around to prove her love. Although you didnā€™t let her say ā€œI love youā€ and were not showing that you care about her too muchā€¦ so yes, itā€™s kind of a contradiction. If you want her to stick around, youā€™d need to show it tooā€¦

    Yes I know that, But because sheā€™s taking time and still sticking to past, Thatā€™s why I told her no. She reacted like I did this entirely by myself. But she didnā€™t argue much after that. She hugged me tight and kissed and still asked me to just friends? I said Iā€™ll think and answer, And after I said No she said She wonā€™t get back together with her ex either. I said itā€™s your decision, If you donā€™t need to be in rush, Donā€™t rush.

    Okay, I understand this makes you upset, but I think the first thing you should do is become more immune to those indirect judgments. To know that you are good enough as you are. So those veiled comments will not bother you so much.

    Yeah that good enough feeling isnā€™t that easy. Is it? haha

    And then you can decide what you want to do ā€“ whether it makes sense to ask your father not to mention other people to you, or to let it go. If you are not so triggered, it will be easier to take it lightly, e.g. to change the topic, or say ā€œYeah, he/she is doing quite wellā€ (you sort of agree with them).

    You donā€™t need to start justifying yourself, you just acknowledge that this person is doing well, while knowing inside of yourself that you too are doing well and that you are good enough. IfĀ youĀ are not judging yourself, their judgments will carry less weight too.

    I mean Iā€™m aware of that, and I donā€™t have like any kind of jealousy. But me and my siblings are worried that they (My Father and grandpa) arenā€™t like a children then they shouldnā€™t behave like this, They should be happy with what they have and have feeling of satisfaction. Instead of always complaining this is wrong and that is wrong. Thatā€™s just irritating for all of us.

    Good! Are your siblings supportive of you? Do they get similar treatment from your father and grandfather?

    Yes Iā€™m really lucky that my siblings are really supportive. And yeah they do get similar treatment from my father and grandfather. My little brother somewhat doesnā€™t much bothered because I can sense his self-esteem, But yeah heā€™s annoyed as well, However for my sister sheā€™s quite sensitive, Maybe even more sensitive than me. But she also accepted that there is not much chances of them changing

    Ā 

    Ā 

    I just checked, BMI of 19 is not undernourished, but on the border. But you say you do a eat a lot and arenā€™t vomiting, which doesnā€™t really qualify as anorexia or bulimia. Does it mean you have periods of indulging in food and then starving yourself, not to gain weight? Because that too can be disordered eating ā€“ sort of swinging from one extreme to the other.

    Hmm well swinging from one extreme to the other Iā€™d say yes. Also I only have two big meals per day. Lunch and dinner. I skip breakfasts.

    EDs are always related to nurturance, I think. In my family, food was the only ā€œpleasureā€ that was not judged, so basically it was okay if I ate a lot, I wasnā€™t judged for that. But I was for just about everything else. So I guess thatā€™s also one of the reasons food became my ā€œdrugā€ of choice.

    Oh I see, Thatā€™s why you had anorexia

    Yes, it seems you donā€™t feel good enough, in this case attractive enough physically. Which is just another manifestation of feeling not good enough in general. I guess that in reality, things are a little different, because you did say earlier that you get compliments for your looks, and you do get attention from pretty girls, right? So you not feeling attractive enough is something you are telling yourself ā€“ itā€™s a part of your inner critic. And you know how to treat that inner critic, donā€™t you?

    Yes I do not listen much to that critic but I think I have to get more positive input or affirmation or something like that on that part?

    in reply to: Feels like Time is passing too fast #418375
    SereneWolf
    Participant

    Coucou Tee,

     

    Yes, I was feeling down because there is no progress with my healing. I am trying to stay optimistic, but itā€™s not always easy.

    I can totally understand that. And I really admire your courage to keep going and still staying optimistic because I do know itā€™s not always easy. Are you feeling any better though?

    But I think a part of your ā€œcoolnessā€ is that you donā€™t actually allow yourself to get attached, because youā€™re afraid of getting hurt. There is a fear there, and thatā€™s why this emotion (love, desire to connect and bond with someone) is missing. It is suppressed as well, but on a deeper level, I think.

    Hmm right but Iā€™m already working on it and I shouldnā€™t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?

     

    I know youā€™re not worried about ending the relationship. I mean a part of you feels revealed, right? However, I think you should be honest with yourself and ask yourself: am I really upset that she is not sure about me, or am I using this as an excuse to take my leave?

    I guess the part the she isnā€™t sure about me, itā€™s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if theyā€™re scared theyā€™d take actions???

    On the other hand I know itā€™s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I donā€™t show her that type of connection or loveā€¦

     

    I seeā€¦ theyā€™re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice ā€“ that theyā€™re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?

    Yes Exactly!

    Yes, taking voice notes is a great idea too. Have you talked to your father in the meanwhile?

    No I didnā€™t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings

     

    Yes, addiction is a very frequent consequence of C-PTSD. So you say youā€™re suffering from anorexia? I myself suffered both from anorexia and bulimia. We can talk more about it, if youā€™d like. I realized that for myself, anorexia was about rejecting nurturance, because my mother didnā€™t give me the proper kind of nurturance (emotional), but only physical food. And it wasnā€™t good enough. I needed to be loved and appreciated ā€“ feeding me and meeting my physical needs wasnā€™t enough (and my mother thought thatā€™s the only thing a child needs).

     

    I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own Iā€™m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but Iā€™m not sure.

     

    But another thing is that even though Iā€™m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (Iā€™m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls Iā€™ve been with was like what we say ā€œOut of my leagueā€ if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didnā€™t felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?

     

    Oh I seeā€¦ thatā€™s frustrating when youā€™re trying everything, and itā€™s still not working :/ How is it now, any new developments?

    Yes. Luckily itā€™s getting much better. I found whole new way and Iā€™m seeing good positive results

     

    You were close to her and now she is goneā€¦ I am so sorry.

    Itā€™s good that you cried and allowed yourself to feel it allā€¦ Hold on, SereneWolfā€¦

    Iā€™m not someone who feels alone easily but from that day I did, So I went to visit my siblings and my family and now I feel much better.

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