Linarra,

I’m glad the film resonated with you. What hit me was identifying secondary emotion like anger and then getting to the root of it so primary emotions like sadness and disappointment. Then tying it all into self worth and trauma. I have a situation where I’m triggered a lot too and I get angry so I felt breaking it down helpful.

I’m glad you feel less alone and have a support system. I’ve only had inadequate therapists so I get it. Therapy isn’t for everyone either. For me meditation works. Today I listened to ocean sounds while journaling. This is my go to coping method because the sound soothes me as I calm myself and express things. I’m doing a lot of inner child work tho nothing has truly worked yet except for reiki and meditation. If you go on YouTube search “Asmr massage reiki energy plucking” I find energy healing very helpful and trust me I was a skeptic. I also pray a lot and my daily mantra is “I surrender!” To the universe or God or whatever you believe in.

I’m proud of you for making it this far and for coping the best you can with your mother. You need some type of emotional armor to get through it. Self compassion could work as that.

oxytocin is a love hormone that neglected kids get deprived of. But you can activate it through massage or self massage (look up methods), hugs or intimacy, deep conversations such as ours, petting animals and more.

My favorite thing to do is yoga with animals at a local animal sanctuary. I find the animals heal humans as humans heal the animals there.

I think functioning is difficult for everyone because there is so much pain and trauma in the world. It’s not your fault you feel this way. Perhaps your journey will help someone else.

You are covering a lot of ground with your journey of self discovery and gaining many resources. Just reaching out for help is a giant step! I admire your resilience.

Identifying your needs is another Journal prompt. What do you need from other people? How can you meet those needs yourself?

Lastly give thanks in advance for a problem to be solved. I thank God but you can thank whatever force you want. It tricks the brain into positive thinking. Act as if. Visualize it all better and receive those feelings even if it only lasts for a minute. This will help your depression.

oh and a minute of mindfulness is better than none. Try to be present for at least a minute a day where you observe and do not judge your thoughts. It helps to visualize them as leaves floating away from you in the breeze. This will help your anxiety.

Let me know how I can help further.

Sarah

Hi Linarra,

What works for one person may not work for another. That’s why it’s hard to prescribe anything for the healing journey. Only you know yourself and what you need. Or at least you’re learning about your needs now.

I would say based on your last message that self-compassion is the area that you need to focus on. Your inner child healing, letting yourself feel emotions and cry and inability to truly let go (due to my positivity trick) shows me you’ve been so neglected you can’t function.

Fierce Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff is what I would recommend in this case, more than the other  books I recommended. So the Try Softer and Tiny Beautiful Things, keep those on backburner. Get this book and see if it helps you.

Kristin Neff has a lot of tools on her website too.

Most of all, forgive yourself for feeling this way. It’s okay my positivity trick didn’t work for you. I feel very reassured by my little 222 signs and thinking it’s all going to be okay. But that’s me trusting just to trust (and also my faith impacts this part of my experience).

Let me know if you decide to look into Kristin Neff.

Sarah

Linarra

Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate them a lot! I’m learning to forgive myself for being imperfect. I think we have similar struggles and are making our way out of similar things. I think it’s very brave of you to keep trying to heal and to find yourself and find answers. I’m proud of you for that.

I’ve read to page 61 of Man’s Search for Meaning. It is hard to think about, all that suffering. Logotherapy or meaning therapy is a very powerful tool. What do you think your meaning or purpose is? I’ve asked before but maybe you could elaborate, even tell me more of your dreams with your scripts. What is your ultimate aim?

When I was in high school going through a hard time, a thought that got  me through it was “One day I’ll help someone else with this.” Well that thought led me here years later at the age of thirty to moderate Tiny Buddha’s forum as well as other things to help others.

But I have learned this- it is important- No, it’s crucial- you must be selfish too with your time on earth. I am writing a Young Adult Fiction novel where my character loses a friend to difficult circumstances (human trafficking is a theme). And she wants to dedicate her life to one day be an FBI person who fights for those causes.  But she also wants to be a singer and she’s grappling between the two goals. One, for her friend. Two, just for herself. She’s afraid of being selfish. My goal is to show people there are always ways to help but the self must come first.

In your instances of life struggles, your self has been put last by abusers and even by yourself. You must forge an identity out of the struggles you are facing. Get to know yourself, your thoughts, your needs as you are doing now in this forum. It’s very important that you journal some thoughts challenging your negative ones. You can share them here too. I think that exercise will help you with what we all have- a negativity bias. A negativity bias is one where we see the negative more than the positive. It’s not to say you’re situation isn’t hard. But it’s also tunnel vision- that is all you’re seeing sometimes.

You didn’t have someone pour into you “Good job. I’m proud of you. You’re amazing. You’re worth it” all your life so you must be the one to do it now. Reparent yourself. It will be hard to change the self-talk in your head from negative to positive but self-compassion is key to changing your life.

Start with self-compassion. You came here to fix your problems, fix yourself.  But maybe that’s not the ultimate goal. There will always be something of an obstacle in our way from finding true happiness even once we’ve found it. Try to love yourself, to grieve for the little girl who didn’t get love, to tell yourself words of kindness, to stop worrying about what you should be doing and how you should be acting or where you should be right now. Stop “shoulding” at all. 🙂

Meet yourself where you are- human. Imperfect but beautiful. Flawed and powerful. Bent but not broken.

You are enough as you are even if you don’t solve everything you came on here to solve. That will remain true. So don’t fret if you don’t  have answers for the anxiety or depression right away. Replace your negative thoughts with ones shouting “I LOVE MYSELF” everyday. Try those meditations I told you about, join the facebook groups…there’s so much you can do. But at the end of the day, nothing can make you happy unless you learn to love yourself despite feeling like you’re a mess right now. You have to see the good in yourself. You have to build the “self”  back up so you can be selfish in a healthy way.

Your mom might have ruined your mental health, but she did not take away your strong spirit. You have enough to get through this time. You don’t know what’s going to happen next. The uncertainty makes it worse. But you have one thing- a life that you can decide everyday. As Viktor Frankl says the last of human freedoms is the attitude you have. What will yours be?

Sarah

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.

Here is another facebook support group you can try: https://www.facebook.com/groups/578363766251188/

I’m sorry you have experienced such pain and turmoil. I have had generalized anxiety disorder then found it was related to trauma.

What sort of catastrophizing thoughts are you having during your anxious moments? Maybe start by recording your thoughts. Let me know how I can help. CBT might be helpful but it doesn’t work for everyone. CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy which I’m sure you’ve heard of. Challenge those negative thought patterns by first identifying them and naming your feelings.

Meaning- I know you are fearful of social situations but what about them is scary to you? Let’s break it down.

Same goes for your depression. What thoughts are you having at this time?

If you can pinpoint your thoughts which are influencing your feelings, then you’ll be able to uncover irrational thoughts hindering your wellbeing. Maybe spend a few days taking notes unless you can recall very clearly. There’s worry journaling where for 20 minutes you just write everything that you are worried about like a brain dump.

I have focus issues too due to stress and learning disability. I have ADD but it’s also trauma related. I’m figuring out how to navigate that myself. It sounds like things are just overwhelming to you and you’re having trouble functioning.

I think it’s time to ask for help. Professional help. You’re not in complete control. Try to find a therapist who specializes in trauma. That would help. Be upfront about your needs for feedback. I have to self advocate sometimes with mine but it works. And if you don’t like them, give them like a month and then switch. Use it to vent if anything like you are doing here. You need an outlet and sounds like you aren’t getting one in your social supports.

There’s also exposure therapy. Make small goals for yourself. Instead of jumping to attending parties or talking on the phone, see if you can go to a public place for an hour. Things like that. Come up with some doable goals but also don’t feel bad about yourself if you don’t make them happen. You don’t have to work like a machine.

If you ever want anyone to read your scripts, I can be a good coach or cheerleader (not an editor though lol). I don’t give out my email but my website is http://www.sarahjeannebrowne.com Click on contact page and submit an email that way to get my email address. I’ll reply and then you’ll have mine to send a script too. ONLY IF YOU WANT IM NOT TRYING TO BE WEIRD LOL

I’ll reread Man’s Search for Meaning and let me know your thoughts as you do too- either here or on email.

I’m proud of you once again. You are doing great things by taking small steps.

And your mom situation- well, when you figure out your anxiety and depression, that will get easier because you’ll know what you need to thrive. She’s not providing any emotional support so it’s hard when you feel defeated. You are doing better than you think. 🙂

Keep thinking about purpose. It’ll help you through the depression. I know it helps me.

Sarah

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.

Linarra,

You aren’t just taking steps to healing. You are taking leaps. Pretty soon you’ll be on top of the mountain looking back on the person you are now thanking her for getting you here.

Sounds like your mom is a narcissist. There are support groups for that such as this facebook one: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1443764532410920/?notif_id=1626611656633604&notif_t=group_r2j_approved&ref=notif

Let me know if that link works. 🙂 If not just do a search.

She’s inappropriately touching your private parts during manic moments where she doesn’t think anything of it? Intentional or not that is abuse. She seems like a very sick person. She is the one who has serious boundary issues- both physical and emotional. You deserve better. And it’s okay to forgive yourself for not knowing she was using and manipulating you as a child. You had to be the adult, the emotional support. Reminds of that Kelly Clarkson song “Because Of You.” I hope you know that you deserved love and attention and emotional support too. The childhood messages you received as being a burden well you are just started to uncover and deconstruct them  but it will take time. I would revisit this issue with a professional if you can afford one. If not, note this is a major healing milestone- just to acknowledge one’s own suffering in life is important. You know the causes. You just need to go through the actual awakening of the person you were  born to be.

That guy sounds awful though. I’m sorry you had trouble with that experience, esp as you were trying to be less avoidant. Nothing is worse than trusting again than being forced back into our shell.

As for not letting your mom go right now, you can still have boundaries of staying away from her. This might help – you cannot control or change her actions. So if they are triggering to you, remember that she will never change no matter what you say or do. It is not your responsibility to change her. You are her daughter but you are not hers. You belong to you. You do not belong to her.

Let me repeat that. You belong to you. You do not belong to her.

There are things you are uncovering about yourself that are I’m sure difficult to face. The fact that trauma affected your functioning as an adult is something many experience with narcissistic parents.

Forgive yourself for not being perfect or where you want to be at. Don’t associate it with your worth. The two have nothing to do with each other. You’ve lived through a lot and it’s still hard. But you’re not alone in this mess. 🙂

I understand what it’s like being stuck. Networking is a really great tool to finding answers though. For example, I’m a writer so I network with #writingcommunity on twitter. Or I join support groups like The Soulsisterhood I mentioned posts ago. I tell others about my struggles and they offer solutions.

I want you to try a visualization practice everyday. Focus on what you really want your life to look like. How would it feel like to be there? What would you need to get there? It doesn’t have to be a conventional life. Maybe you start a business or you partner with a person who has a following already or you build a brand rather than have a job. Fyi- I’m on disability living at home with my mom and I’ve used this time to build a brand image of speaker, writer and activist. I volunteer and am very involved. Volunteering is another way to get yourself in somewhere. It will also give you meaning and purpose to find things to do like this. You never know where it could lead. Maybe back to yourself 🙂

I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere! So message here as much as you need. If you want to read Man’s Search for Meaning, let me know if you like it. The other two books are on Amazon just search the titles. 🙂

Lastly, I know this is hard but see yourself. See your true self. See your beauty. See your worth. See that you’re a survivor. See that you mean something. See that you can make a difference. See that your story isn’t over yet. Because life has so much more to offer you. Everything could change tomorrow so why stop now?

I’m cheering you on.

Sarah

Hi Linarra,

I’m so glad you enjoyed the meditation.

Here are two more by Mimi Page-

Clarity: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIgqED1o16M

Breathe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxtL–xOq_U

Here’s a quote I came upon recently: “If you’re unsure of your purpose in this life, look to your wounds. Where we are called to serve is where we ourselves have been impoverished.” ~Mira Hadlow

I love the book, Man’s Search for Meaning (by holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl). It explores finding meaning in the mess. I  find it helpful for depression and trauma too.

Now that you’re reconnecting with your inner child and said things to her, what are some things she’d like to say to you? Try the reverse of what you did.

What childhood beliefs did you cultivate because of your trauma? What triggers you to feel these ways? When was a last time you had a trauma response i.e. Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not or avoiding conflict etc. What triggered that trauma response? Can you connect it back to your childhood beliefs?

Then strengthen the inner adult. Challenge those childhood beliefs. If you were told to stay small and quiet and weak and disempowered, say “I’m allowed to take up space.”

It seems like your relationships don’t allow you to take up space fully. You struggle to share your pain in them or get meaningful responses. (Again here and that facebook group as well as any support group or therapist would help that). What if you tried to put together these thoughts you share here and express it to a close friend or family member you trust? What if you tried to be a little vulnerable and let someone in? Maybe not the whole way but just to let them know how you’re feeling. That way you feel less alone.

I was depressed as a child too. I had a lot of trauma from that time period as well. Your inner child listens to you. She knows you are saving her. 🙂 And you can and will save yourself.

I’m glad you’re seeing how far you’ve come. Give yourself some credit. You deserve it. Not many could be so strong.

You deserve to know how wonderful you are. I can already see by your writing you’re thoughtful, intelligent, resilient, empathetic and kind. You are self advocating in a great way already.

Journal your thoughts to these points. Take your time. Get to know yourself again. Your inner child is someone you will feel triggered time and time again due to trauma. that is normal for the healing process. The point of this is to understand your triggers and healthily respond with self-compassion.

Self-compassion can be hard to muster when you’ve faced neglect. That’s why communicating with your inner child is so important.

Hope that helps!

Sarah

Hi Linarra,

I’ve been through these things too. It’s trauma adding to anxiety, lack of focus, closed off experience from friends and family (withdrawal), depression, fears, loneliness and more.

What helped me was sitting with the pain. Your brain is trying to escape from it OR freak out about it. You need self-compassion as you reparent yourself. It seems too like you are needing a deeper connection than your friends are giving you. It’s okay to be introverted or shy or awkward at the same time. We all worry what others think of  us. 🙂

Functioning when you’re in pain is hard. I know. I’ve been there. I just turned my life around recently and started functioning and receiving again. I’ve been healing my inner child and figuring out how to be a normal person. But what is normal?

I just did a 180 and can face everything again. That tells me it could help you too.

I’m sending a virtual hug your way.  You’re not alone in this thing.

What is something kind you can say to yourself right now as you go through?

What is something you can be grateful for?

How can you positively reframe your negative thoughts? I.E “I’m not enough” versus “I’ve always been enough.”

What childhood beliefs stemming from severe trauma can you challenge? See above.

Write a letter to your inner child.

Do things that bring you joy. Be your own best friend. For me, I love going to Barnes and Nobles and writing in their cafe and reading Sailor Moon manga. It’s simple and kinda silly the latter part of it but it helps with self care and helps me focus.

I would recommend therapy and a psych eval. See if you can find a support group in person or on facebook. Facebook support groups are awesome. There are self help inspirational ones too. I recommend The Soulsisterhood.

It sounds like you have PTSD too. That’s your anxiety lurking and lack of functioning skills. This is due to the trauma.

I’m glad you came to this forum and am proud of you for self-advocating. That’s the first step in any healing journey.

Thank yourself for getting to this point. You survived a lot.

You are not “less than” for suffering or having struggles. People equate their circumstances with their worth. Your worth is innate. You just have to see it.

You can turn around this life. You can start today just by showing yourself some kindness.

I can’t work right now either but I do a lot of self help writing and volunteer work. I’m on disability for bipolar and have a learning disability as well as add and ptsd and all the stuff you listed. I know what it’s like for disabilities to pile up on each other. You don’t have to be like everyone else to find your happiness.

Meditation is a great way to process trauma as you sit with your feelings. There are many guided ones online or apps. Here’s my favorite: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZEdkZsaUQ8

Sending love and light your way.

You’ve got this!