Javier,

You are doing better than you think. You know the flaws of your therapists, you’re able to recognize and identify your feelings, you know to come to this forum and you know not to attempt again (i hope). So see that. That is hopeful. That is good.

Answers don’t come easy. They take some self discovery. Your therapist is a tool to get there but it’s up to you to do the work.

I recently have had “I Can Only Imagine” by Mercy Me on repeat. I implore you to listen to their music. It helps ground me and helps me cope.

When you meditate, there’s something called “centering prayer.” You invite God into that space with you. A lot of Buddhists simply meditate and sit with silence for enlightenment. Which works to an extent. But an extra step is to commune with God when this happens. See what He wants to say to you.

I know this site is Buddhist-ish but I’m a mix of Christian and that. I actually have had the same struggles with you of despair. I recently had a side effect to a med that I thought would ruin my life. Instead, I found a solution to it, and I’m better now. But in the moment, I thought it was the end. I catastrophized (much like you are doing) that this meant I had to change meds which would be a bad situation which would lead me to end it. I really thought about ending it. Then things turned around unexpectedly. I’m so happy that I get to share this experience with you and that I lived. I am here because of God’s guidance to hold on.

What you’re missing is that connection. You are waiting on others (including this forum) to tell you what to think and feel, to give yourself permission to love yourself. Well we don’t have all the answers.

What would you tell someone else going through your situation? Turn towards self-compassion.

You WILL live. It’s just hard right now. And it’s okay to acknowledge that it’s hard. I’m not going anywhere. Keep venting, keep finding the beauty of life through the brokenness. Life might surprise as it did me recently.

Sarah

Hi Javier,

Just checking in.

So I’m seeing you are struggling. So let me express what I’ve gone through and how I’ve gotten through it.

I struggled with severe mental illness as bipolar for many years, worsening when I was 25 in 2015. I was hospitalized twice (once the first time and secondly after a relapse years later).

I’m finally on the right meds. It’s a true miracle.

But for a while, I started waking up each morning cringing in shock at all I had been through. My therapist called this PTSD.

I had to let the shock of it subside overtime. I couldn’t get rid of it right away.

I had to not react to my mind. My inner critic was lying to me as it is lying to you. I had to just let it happen and not judge my process of healing.

You are feeling so many negative things. I understand that. I was just there myself! I was waking up cringing and feeling depressed each morning.

But it got better.

It gets better.

You’re going through the worst of it right now. It will get  better. So don’t react to your mind right now. It’s freaking out. It’s  PTSD. It’s trauma. It’s catastrophizing.

Mindfulness is a great tactic to overcoming this stuff. But it’s also human to be afraid. You don’t have to fix yourself overtime.  Have self-compassion.

You’re not alone, and things are never hopeless. You hit rock bottom with your recent suicide attempt. You’ve been given a second chance at life.

We are here for you, but it’s up to you if you’ll let the light in.

It’s up to you to find what makes you smile or laugh.

It’s up to you to take deep breaths while going through panic attacks.

It’s up to you to listen to your inner voice not your inner critic.

It’s up to you to take this advice and follow any resources given.

It’s up to you have faith.

That’s what it comes down to.

Faith in yourself and whatever you believe in.

You have a purpose. Your purpose might show itself through your pain.

I was grieving someone and I turned my grief into a story line of my young adult fiction novel that I’m writing. I also turned it into an article that I’m still writing. In my sadness, lines just came to me that captured my emotions and gave me wisdom and meaning.

Your intuition tells you a lot. I think you are doing better than you think.

Stop reacting to your thoughts. Just observe them. Let them pass. You need to separate yourself from your mind with mindfulness. Nothing you do will work until you do.

Sarah

Javier

Im so sorry. I hope the psych ward can help. I’ll be praying for you. Thank you for not acting on these feelings this time.

Sarah

Linarra

Im glad you liked my articles and will look at the resources at your own pace! I know you can make it through this.

Sarah

How to Do The Work by Dr. Nicole Lepera https://www.amazon.com/dp/1409197743?psc=1&smid=A21D2M03J7WM89&ref_=chk_typ_imgToDp

I just ordered it for myself. I recommend ordering it too. Maybe we can read it at the same time. Since antidepressants haven’t worked for you this has holistic ways to help too.

God loves you. You don’t have to do anything to earn that love.

Listen to Mercy Me. They have changed my life and brought me closer to God.

Keep journaling.

You are having panic attacks which are perfectly normal given your situation. You just survived a suicide attempt and more. Viktor Frankl holocaust survivor says “An abnormal reaction to an abnormal event is a normal reaction.”

What you need are some self soothing techniques. Can you think of any that might help you?

google cognitive distortions and identify the ones you are having. Ask the following- what evidence is there for this thought? Is it based in reality or emotion? Am I thinking in black or white terms or can it be gray? See if you can challenge your thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy.

Then think- what is the worst case scenario that can happen? What is the best? What is the in between or most likely to occur?

Write an unsent letter to your family.

Lastly on one side of a piece of paper, write to your inner child. On the other side record your inner child’s responses.

listen to Mercy Me. Trust me! These things will change you.

I’m proud of you for this attitude! I know you can do it. Have faith. Let me know how the journaling goes. And God never left you. You’ve been saved for a reason. You’ll find that things aren’t so bad when you live for purpose or something greater than yourself. That’s what I do! It’s why I am doing well. It’s why I’m still here too.

Javier,

Even though it’s all awful right now, I am so thankful you are alive and not in a vegetative state.

I’m still proud of you for coming to this forum and self-advocating even when you feel like you are nothing. Again, you are not alone.

I am hoping this gives you perspective to never attempt again, especially knowing the risks of what it will do to your family, yourself and the world losing your spark.

If you can regain composure and think of wisdom from this experience for later, you can help countless souls who are going through the same things.

I too have had suicidal ideations and one almost attempt in high school. Life is unfair sometimes and just awful. It’s not your fault that you are feeling this way. So many are.

My only advice is self-compassion. You are soooo hard on yourself (and your family doesn’t help that). It’s okay to love yourself through this. It’s okay to see your goodness. It’s okay to see your potential. It’s okay to live life again and have hope again and know this is a second chance.

I’m proud of you even though it’s been this hard.

You are going to make it.

Sometimes, you will feel like this again. It might come back. I want you to tell someone if it does. I want you to go to the psych ward if you are tempted again.

In the meantime, cry. Feel. Heal. Be. Surrender. Love yourself.

You are not your circumstances. You are your character.

You are enough, even though you think are nothing.

You are someone. I care very much about the next chapter of your life, that you find stability. I was so worried when I didn’t hear from you for some time. I knew something happened, I just knew it. Thank you for coming back to us.

I’m so glad you’re here.

Sarah