Hi Alex

My friends told me it wasn’t my fault because I was just trying to help him

I hope you don’t mind me pushing back a little. Were you trying to help him or change him? Ultimatums and such tend to point to issues of control not so much as support?

Hi Giulea

I can’t change the way they behave – I know I have high expectations in a sense because of how it used to be. My question is how can I stop talking negatively about the community but instead, be constructive and move forward?

I like your question. I often wonder why its so difficult to do the thing and behave in the ways we want.  “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”

Not to be trite but in the words of Yoda for such things there is no try only do. Meaning the best you can do is to become the change you wish to see. This means being very conscious/mindful of when your falling short and then doing better. No judgments against yourself or others, but a compassionate practice of doing better as you learn better.

3 Ways to Stop Obsessing and Start Enjoying More of Your Life

Hi Joe

So if it is not possible to undo neuropathways,

You may find the following books helpful

‘Change Your Mind, Change Your Life by Gerald G. Jampolsky MD  or

Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

is it still possible to ignore them?

Ignoring your thoughts can work for a time I guess however in the long run will only end up reinforcing them.  You sweep them under the carpet until you eventually trip on them.  The practice of mindfulness isn’t about destroying ego or engagement of will power to prevent unwanted thoughts from arising. Its about noticing your thoughts and not attaching your sense of self to them. In this way they flow through you instead of getting bottled up and messing up your day, week, year. Eventually a thought that might have sent you spiraling downward for weeks might be dealt with in a day or even hours.

Hi Joe

I believe these things are pretty much hardwired in me because of all my reinforcing behavior.

We do become addicted to our thoughts and there has been quite a few study’s showing that our thoughts influence the brains neuropathways.  The good news is that we can ‘rewire’ our pathways the bad news is that as you noticed the longer the habit the more difficult to change.

Many meditation masters may tell you that trying to stop thinking a thought will pretty much reinforce the thought. The more resistant we are to a thought the stronger the hold the thought has (do we hold onto the thought or does the thought hold on to us – when we resist its hard to tell) The advice you might get then is to be like water and allow the thoughts to flow. (detachment – not indifference to the thoughts only letting go the need to hold onto them) The practice being that when you notice the unhelpful/unskillful thoughts you acknowledge them, notice how to feel, perhaps identify what may have triggered them and then let them flow past. The flow of water will reshape any pathway even one of rock.

Is it possible to destroy this ego?

I’ve always had a problem with this question. In the west the idea behind the ego is different then that of the east. In the west the ego plays the important role consciousness. Try talking about being “woke” or about experience without using a personal pronoun.  What ‘woke’, what noticed the experience?

The ego, sense of self is a tool, the experiencer, the communicator between the spirit and body, the conscious and unconscious. The error we make is assuming we our experiences in other words that we are thins thing called ego. Place in popper context the ego isn’t something we need to destroy but understand.

Here is a paradox for you. It takes a strong health ego to let go of ego.

Its only recently that I’ve heard people talking about finding their twin flame.

I googled it and from what I read finding your ‘twin flame’ does not necessary mean living together in a committed relationship. In fact it kind of points to the opposite. A experience that’s can only last for a short time before it burns it self out and becomes something else.  A relationship intended to fire you up but not a place you can live in.

As a metaphor ‘twin flame’ is problematic as I invasion the ‘burning of the candle’ at both ends. Fire consumes oxygen making it hard to breathe. Fire burns, love burns… and when out of control burns everything in its path. But fire also purifies and creates the ground for new things to grow… I don’t know… One must be careful when playing with fire

You ask if this is an illusion.

• The angst your experiencing is not a illusions.
• The idea of a ‘Twin Flame’ soul mate are words and words are symbols not the thing itself and so a illusion.
• If you expect this relationship to move forward into a more committed one… that may be an illusion. As a guy having a friend with benefits, having my cake and eat it to… yeah I’m going to keep that going as long a possible (if I were the type of guy that would enter into a friends with benefits relationship – My observations is that they seldom end well)

I don’t know your making yourself crazy by becoming engulfed by the experience and getting burned so maybe the twin flame is a real thing.  Its just not how I’d like my relationship to look like.  Your Friend wants his X back, but you want something more… My opinion for what its worth tell him no more benefits and see how long the flame burns true.

You ask a great question. In relationships we tend to react to a situations more then we respond to it.

When we react to a situation there is usually more going on then just the event occurring in the moment.  Most of us will react when something about the current situation triggers something from the past. In most cases this is often something subconscious that we don’t want to deal with. No better way to keep from dealing with a past hurt then to create drama in the present.

One of the purposes of relationships is to heal the past. If its not a purpose is most certainly something we will use our relationship for. To do this we will unconsciously recreate the past only this time having someone we trust work through the hurt and doing so heal them.  The trick to healing the past we bring to the present is to make it conscious. Making our issues conscious allows us to respond to a event vice react.

Its interesting that you said “He laid out on the table at the beginning of the relationship what he needed from me and I pretty much ripped all of those things and threw them back in his face.“  He basically told you how to hurt him which you did. Is it possible the past your trying to heal is one in which someone you loved left you or couldn’t give you what you needed and a part of you perhaps feels it was your fault, that you weren’t good enough?  So now when in relationship you subconsciously recreate the past by creating scenarios were you push those you love away from you hoping that they will stay and prove you wrong. Only until you make something like that conscious and take ownership of it (its not about your partner) will you stop reacting.

Unfortunately, it takes 100 positive “at a boy/girl” to overcome one negative experience.  So we push and push those we love away no mater how many times they reassure us… until we decided to stop or we create what we feared, the false reality that something is wrong with us and were not good enough, everyone leaves us…..

Hi Sarah

Sorry your feeling so down. I wish there was some magic words that could suddenly help you to view life differently.

Life is a ever turning cycle. That reality is life’s wonder which can bring hope, but if were honest also despair as we so wish to be in control and force life to conform to our will.

Advice for what its worth. There is a time in every hero’s journey where they must preserver without leaning on hope. This is a time of deep uncertainty and doubt yet the hero continues. Its kind of interesting but it seems to me anyway, that it is often the loss of hope while continuing to push through, becoming comfortable with uncertainty and doubt that is the point in the story that opportunity presents itself. A opportunity that the hero may never have imagined possible yet where they discover their gold. (You may enjoy the book The Alchemist)

Its ok to be uncertain, to doubt and not being able to envision a future. This may be a time where your task is to focus on completing your PHD and letting go of expectations of where you imagine you “should” be.  What is required at this time it to continue the every day tasks, ‘moving’ while keeping your eyes open.

Pay attention when your thinking goes all or nothing. For example ‘things will always be this way’, ‘I will always be lonely’, ‘I know what others are thinking’… This cognitive distortion language is the language of depression and anther task that the hero must overcome. Most of that type of cognitive distortion come from fear, most of which is ‘false evidence appearing real’. The danger is that when we fixate on these distortions and thoughts that we can create what we fear

The first thought that came to mind when I read you post was that here is a person with nothing to lose and having nothing to lose the opportunity to take a chance and surprise herself. Be the hero of your story.