Dear Miranam,

I understand and relate to a lot of things that you wrote about. People struggle with social anxiety and situations like jobs and financial security for the possible reasons that their values are based around them and they are yet to attain some level of fulfillment in those areas. For them the internal dialogue would be something like – if I am confident in this aspect of my job I will be happy or if I have an x amount of money I will be happy.

A person who already has it or has their values based elsewhere is less likely to think of them as important. When you wrote about how your deep level of conversations and interactions feels for most people, I couldn’t help but smile when I thought of similar situations that I find myself at times. I have wondered several times whether other people also think to the same extent about life in the way I do. This kind of intensity makes me hesitant to talk to others and more often than not the “introvert” tag sticks.

I understand that you are possibly not introverted but I thought I will share how I have handled some of the conversations that I felt were not at the level that I wanted. One of the things that I realized was the level of curiosity that I had in others – sadly was nothing much to speak about. Working on it has helped. Since I am naturally curious about myself the shift was not very difficult.

How do you get that minimum attention and care, that feeling of being important and significant for someone?

I feel that there is very little that you can do to ensure that another person feels that way about you simply because I believe that it is out of our area of control. But one thing is sure that when we interact with another person with that cloud of expectations over our interactions, in some way we are bound to show our disappointment. So what I try and tell myself – No expectations = no disappointments.

This has helped give me a degree of freedom to the extent that my energies are focussed on me alone and paradoxically this  helped improve a lot of my interactions.

I absolutely get what you mean when you wrote about feeling phony about other sources of happiness. But it is not about filling a void. I think it is more about creating joy for its own sake not looking at replacing something. Maybe it would give the energy needed to fill the void?

With regards to examples – again reiterating that my life situation is different from yours – re defining the degree of expectations of love to make best use of what is currently available – is that an option?

Take care

Dear Dorothee,

It seems a good decision to let go of this person who does not seem to be good for your well being, someone who has made you apologise constantly, someone who made you felt needy for attention.

I noticed this statement “loving him made me forget how it felt like to hate myself.”. What makes you hate yourself? Have you worked on that?

Dear Miranam,

I totally understand the need for reciprocity. But as I understand your situation, you are looking for it from sources who cannot be relied on giving it to you. Isn’t that setting yourself up for disappointment? Are you likely to get it for certain from any other source?

The only person who you can rely to be your complete and total source of love is yourself. That is who you should live for. That is who you should care the most about.

You may need to reprioritize your values and do more for yourself. Maybe push down family on the priority list and make caring  for yourself the number 1 priority.

Take care

Dear SantaFe,

For specific situations prepare, prepare well and rehearse. Play the speech in your mind multiple times.

Fear of being ridiculed arises when you think low of yourself and you believe the people who are ridiculing you. Increase your feelings of self worth and don’t let others determine your worth.

*Re-posted

Dear Aimee,

From this and your previous posts, what seems to be there is a mutually respectful relationship where you are letting each other go. As the time for this nears, you will feel the emotions that you have felt for each other even more.

Remind yourself of all the reasons you took this decision as you move forward. What happens later is not in your control. Being mindful of all the positives that you feel will give you the strength to go through this phase. Feel the gratitude for the love and growth that you have experienced in this relationship so far.

Take care.

Dear Miranam,

Different life situations, different circumstances, different thought processes – lead to opinions that differ. Like you wrote, in the same person different situations evoke different thinking process. It is helpful to understand that nothing is permanent – the way we think, the way we feel, the way we behave seems to be in a dynamic flux.

I have come across a psychotherapeutic process called acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). I am yet to go in to details but initial reading of it seems to make sense and may help in some of your situations.

Let me know what you think of it.

Take care

Dear Miranam,

Situations similar to your life situation are far too common. A focus on what could have been and what is missing often saps away at valuable energy that is better put to use in a creative and productive manner. Instead of looking at alternatives make the current situation something that you consider as an active choice, a choice that you have consciously taken and focus on putting your best in to it irrespective of how the others in your life respond.

Best wishes