Hi Mary,

A lot of people will find is easy to label an individual a narcissist based on their behavior. People may justify that claim by saying such things as, “Oh she/he/s so stuck on himself,”or ,”it’s all about him/her. You may even hear some exaggerated claims which are far from the truth. The truth about narcissist’s is they don’t really know who they are, they mostly identify with the image that they see themselves as. Regardless I don’t challenge your assessment of this person. There is a book I invite you,and everyone else, to read. It is called Malignant Self -Love Narcissism Revisited. It was written by a self proclaimed narcissist who goes by the name Sam Vaknin. This book was recommended to me by a Forensic Psychologist after I had spoke with her about the very issue you are going through. As I read this book I felt shivers up and down my spine. I recall thinking, “My god I’m surrounded by narcissist’s.” In fact there was a time when I was working and I thought to myself that there are so many people with this trait that I’m in Narcissist University.  The book was/is quite valuable to me. If cost is an issue I would be more than happy to buy it for you. (hawkman98@msn.com if you would like a copy sent to you) Narcissists, in my mind, and many others as well, are THE most dangerous people to infiltrate your life. There are many criteria of which a diagnosis of a narcissistic personality is use, BUT, not all characteristics have to be present in order to be labelled a narcissist.

My strong advice is to gravitate towards those who appear to have a more balanced lifestyle. For me, I was forced to go solo, sans friends for a while in order to recoup. It paid off in was I never knew would happen. Stay away from this person and this person’s friends. You will be played, set up, and knocked down again and again by them.

HUGS 🙂

Pearce

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by PearceHawk.

Pals I’m real happy you could smile so deeply. Really. In your question you asked, “So what is it that he’s missing?” What it is that he is missing is something you cannot give him, ability for him to be honest as to why the sudden cut off. You mentioned that, “He said because he reached a breaking point where he came to a realisation that he was constantly trying to be someone else (someone who wants to be in a stable relationship) but realised he was unhappy, and that relationships aren’t for him, and certainly not one that takes so much of his time and mental space.” A lot of confusion on his part here. “Trying to be someone else?” And who would that be I wonder? Only he knows. I have told people that I personally believe that relationships shouldn’t be the proverbial 50/50. I believe they should be 100/100 as in percent. If someone puts out their 50% toward a relationship, what do they do with the other 50%? In your case I think it was 100/50 with the greater number on your side. What happened to him to have the other 50% of his potential commitment was his way out.

What I see in your words is a very strong woman although right now it may not feel like it. My favorite line in Good Will Hunting reminds me that it should have been for you…”It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault…”. You have great ambitions Pals. You have wonderful dreams. But don’t chase your dreams. Capture them.

Sending this with peace, love, and happiness.

Pearce

Pals,

I really wish you could feel the comfort my soul wants to offer you. I think that breakups like this are particularly hard on a person. Sudden change in the face of routine and comfort can blind side us with questions that all too often are left unanswered. It sounds as though this has been planned for some time, whether it was for reasons that he gave, or to be single again, or any other reason.

I am somewhat conflicted to his claim that love made him feel “chained,” yet he loves you. WHA? The feeling of being “chained” by commitment coming from a 26 year old man is understandable. I have had friends, women, who have talked with me about their breakups with their b/f’s of X amount of time, months/years. This is what I tell them because I do believe it is true. With guys, from the age of 16/17 up to mid to late 20’s and even early 30’s, commitment is very difficult for them and not very likely to happen on a long (years/think marriage and family) term. When I say guys I do not mean 100% of guys, but a huge percentage. When they are in committed relationships and see their single friends have a blast at the local bar, they miss that. It’s that college guy mentality. They see their friends of similar age with a common denominator of intense fighting, or are in the process of a divorce and that hits close to home for them. I think that where the difference lies is where women have a vision of a wonderful marriage, children, trips to the grand parents for them to be spoiled, etc. When 2 people meet, fall in love, talk marriage and children, men may find that exciting but for a short time, but women visualize that possibility coming to fruition. When you mentioned that he said, ““I don’t want to be in a relationship. I don’t want commitment. I don’t want to be answerable to anyone,” and ” that he said that you were  “too much,” and when you said, ” he just wants to go back to being the “free spirit” (his words) he was since love and commitment make him feel chained.” those are a precursor to a disaster to any relationship. Imagine you two did get married and have children and life was good, then suddenly he brought that out.

Please don’t try to give yourself false promises thinking one day he welcome back to you. He’s 26. He still has much to learn about being in a committed relationship as that part of him being  “quite a player, never did serious relationships, would drink quite a bit, and often hurt women before we started dating,” still lingers within him. It seems to me that you are a wonderful person with a wonderful life plan to move forward, unafraid, and start a beautiful family, but he is not. Think incomparable. You may have been physically attracted to each other, went through the motions of moving in together as a couple, did couple things with couples and all that is great. When it came down to the reality of marriage and children, it scared the crap out of him. It exposed his limits of commitment.

Pals as hard as it may be, let him go, cherish the happy moments and thank him, to yourself or in person, for him giving you those moments, and wish him well on his journey to be free, to find himself. You, on the other hand, be loving to yourself. Be grateful to you that you have the strength he doesn’t because it is YOUR strength, and you amazing soul that will guide you to find someone with the same goals as you do. It does not seem like it now, and it may not be helpful to you to know right now, that this was supposed to happen to make yourself available to someone who shares the same life journey as you.

STRONG WORK,Colby!!!!! It’s good to see you are doing what I call making correction in direction. It’s a good place to be. What an exciting journey you are on.Keep going and going and going…

Pearce

Hi Connie,

Can you feel ok to share some reasons for the breakup?

I hope you start feeling better soon so you don’t have to be affected by this confusion. I think that when one person  tries “to break things off completely” and then the other reacts with “he sent me an email telling me that it was never his idea to break up so he shouldn’t be the one to finalize the breakup.” this is where confusion begins.

You wrote, “He also said that he’s not interested in or has no intention to be involved with any other girls except me and decided to live a single life.” with the operative words being “live a single life.  I think that in alleviating your confusion, the operative words “live a single life.” needs clarity as well as the reason(s) for you wanting to break up. In pursuit of answers and maybe winning him back don’t let it escalate into something that will force your decision to “break things off completely.”

Pearce

There has been one person in my life who felt it necessary to make sure that he made my life a living hell. When he died, I realized then that I shall be forever indebted to him for giving me a priceless gift. That gift is knowing how not to be-like him.

I have been through different experiences yet all have a common theme. While I spent many years trying to find that barely measurable amount of time as an opportunity to go for it or not and try my damnedest to keep some kids alive. Being successful in my effort to breach that small crack of time to be next to someone’s kid letting her or him know I am there for them and try my very best, all the while trying to dodge bullets or not thinking about if the next RPG or IED is going to take me out or not.

Those experiences, and many others, strengthened my personal resolve to overcome bad experiences by placing more importance on happiness. The nightmares still come. I still get sick hearing helicopters or jack hammers, but more important it is the happiness I have.