Dear anita,

I needed time to think – the relationship between me and my parents has been very positive. However, my depression issues are genetic to a huge extent – my mother too had episodes like this in her teens and early twenties before i was born. This has never reflected in her ability to fulfill her duties though – she has been a rock to say the least, very strong and calm. My father has seen a lot of hard days financially and is a self-made man – he always gave us the best facilities though, his time and sacrificed a lot of the things he wanted in life so that we could have better. So I really admire the courage and love my parents have. I wish I had more of this too.

I really thought hard these few days – and realized this is a result of depressive episodes in the past. Many poor mental habits too. Then i look at my boyfriend and think “I will be brave like him”. When i see my mother, i think “I will be strong and loving like her”. When i see my dad, I think “No i wont give up on life so easily”….

My life isnt that complicated actually but i am making it way more complicated in my head. Thats where i need to stop – I wrote down a long list of the many ways i failed in my eyes, of the mistakes i made, of the thoughts i have when i am afraid and i realized I am way too afraid of life and I need to calm down. This isnt about my parents or the past – its about plain anxiety on some occasions. Some fear, some panic and lack of confidence is inevitable but i cant stop myself from pushing towards the life i want.

Sometimes i feel glad for all the things that didnt go as planned – it brought me closer to many things and helped me grow. I wont be that afraid anymore though and will do my best to go on despite the doubts and fears i have.

Hey anita,

Thank you for the kind words. My biggest challenge at the moment is to be less of a cry baby in some situations frankly – like I have a very sane, clear cut and rational side but this irrational side of me is something that often leaves me wrecked. I sometimes break down easily, get directionless and indecisive about things. I have such negative thoughts and poor mental habits on many occasions. Its not something thats hampering my ability to live life but i feel that it has hampered me from achieving more professionally, school had been affected, career choices were a bit fuzzy – I am back on track now, though a little late compared to my peers by about 3 years i would say. It doesnt bother me so much now but i want to have more control over this highly sensitive, emotional wreck side.

Hey everyone,
My apologies for the rather late reply – it has been a week of upheavals to say the least and i was away, too weary to write coherently.

@Maria_L : You are right about this and I am grateful that you shared your experience. I particularly found these words inspiring “Unfortunately, when it comes to love and future plans, only time has all the answers. We can only do the best we can given the circumstances in the moment, and hope that it will turn out right.” I will remind myself whenever there is a challenging moment. I realized in the last couple of days that I need to be stronger emotionally – There are lot of challenges ahead of us, he is the strongest person I know and i have to grow as well emotionally. I need to take more responsibility for my life instead of dwelling on past mistakes and the failures that occurred.

@Matty: I loved these lines:

But it’s crucial to remember that distance doesn’t stop people from making mistakes or losing trust.

Insecurity is normal in the sense that as humans we are always afraid of losing what we have. – i realized he too has his own set of insecurities, he is scared of losing me as well. The recent events have shaken him too.

If anything, being away from each other gives you a better perspective on the relationship itself. Of course the relationship can ‘weaken’ in the sense that you are not together, sharing the same space as often as you want. But it can also ‘strengthen’ your relationship and make you truly cherish what you have. – This distance is enabling me to learn more of him, we are talking about serious things more openly, expressing displeasure more clearly and I am discovering how much we inherently have in common in terms of where we want to be with eachother. When we lived together at the very beginning of the relationship, the bond was there but i think this last one month has somehow deepened it – the honeymoon is over but we are still here.

@Pretty Face: I am sorry you are suffering like this. I would like you to share more. It would be great if you could start a new thread, then more people will be able to respond. I third B and anita on this. Please do write more.

@Anita: What do you think about all that i have said so far?

Regards everyone,
Nina

Hi sphria, Thanks a lot – i have been trying to block chunks of the day for certain things and will keep these ideas in mind 🙂