Yes to what Dawn said, you need to walk away from this relationship. He can’t fulfil your needs, he has outrightly told you that you are second fiddle to his ex and that he would choose her over you! Sister, you deserve better than that! And besides, any man that uses “crazy” as a shorthand for emotional (because there’s NOTHING WRONG with being emotional, we’re all human beings with feelings and desires) needs to be dumped asap. 😛

To offer a kind of counterpoint, I’ve been with my BF for almost three years and for the first year neither of us said I love you, then I said it and he didn’t say the L word back for another full year. I was fine with that because even though he never said the words, I still felt “cared for”. He’s also still friends with his exes and still texts/chats with them but I don’t make a big deal out of it because I know if it was the other way around, I’d be super annoyed if he freaked about me talking to my exes. He still hasn’t changed his FB status to “in a relationship” but I have, again not a big deal because he has his reasons (he’s a more private person than me).

Oh my gosh if a guy were to basically tell me “I have shallow standards that you don’t meet but I have decided to grace you with my attention and you should feel thankful” I would run so fast in the other direction. Sounds like he’s saying he’d “settle” for you. You don’t want someone who thinks they settled for you! You want to be with someone who considers themselves lucky and blessed to be with you. 🙂

Unlike Rashmi I don’t believe you’re in the wrong here. You have needs and desires, you spoke up that you felt your needs were not being met, and instead of trying to compromise or find a solution, this guy became defensive and invalidated your desires.

I recently did a test called the 5 Love Languages, which breaks down how we communicated love with another person. For me, my love language is Quality Time. It sounds like for you, it’s Words of Affirmation. In identifying your love language, you can better communicate what you need from a partner in order to feel happy with the relationship. Give it a shot! http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Hi Michelle,

First off, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I was always labelled as the smart/intelligent girl, so that’s tied up in my self-worth. I was also very aloof and blunt as a child which a lot of people didn’t like, and all I ever wanted was to be accepted and have friends, so I started “faking” being cheerful and smiley so that people would like me more. Long story short, the cheerfulness sort went from being my superficial mask to a permanent part of who I am, and not a day goes by when I wonder if this is really who I am or who I convinced myself who I am. And despite being overall cheerful, I still get days when I feel all that heavy sadness and anger all over again.

My logic is this: no person can be one way all the time. We’re complex creatures with positives and negatives too. We don’t stay static just as we were when we were children, we grow and change and learn from our mistakes. I’m a product of both who I am and who I choose to be, and so are you. 🙂

This sounds absolutely normal to me! I had a similar experience with my BF; when we first met, he did everything in his power to court and woo me (randomly dropping flowers off at my house, bringing me dinner after work, lots of affection and praise, etc.) I’m not a naturally romantic or trusting person so I had a hard time reciprocating. Then we had a big snag after 6 months together and as a result, things sort of flipped. Now he’s a lot more casual/distant while I’m the one who craves affection and contact. But when I haven’t seen or talked to him for a while, I can tell he’s been missing me because he ramps up the affection again.

Personally, for our relationship, this is the new normal. We both have agreed that like any relationship, the initial burst of newness and excitement can’t really be recaptured. We’ve been together for 3 years and we’ve figured out what works for us. My BF being a little more distant/busy is actually a blessing in disguise, because it gives me more time to refocus on my own needs and goals. So while he works his second job on weekends, I work on my novel.

I also like hearing him verbalize his thoughts and feelings, but he is more of the “actions speak louder than words” type and his effusive praise when we were first dating was actually something of an anomaly. So when I feel like I need some reassurance, I have to tell him straight up: “Please use your words right now, I am not a mind-reader.” 😉

I used to be similar when I was young; in order to make myself accepted and in order to sound “cooler”, I used to make up all kinds of stuff about myself. I figured no one would truly like me if they knew the real me. But as time went on, I met other people that, when I told them the normal “boring” stuff about myself, they found me really interesting and fun to be with, and I covered that I didn’t have to lie for people to like me. The truth is that some people would like me and some people just… wouldn’t. And it hurts because I’m a people-pleaser, but I’ve learned to accept that I can’t win everyone over. Some of my old friends could never get over my lying ways and stopped talking to me, but some of my old friends watched me stay truthful over the years and realized that I really have changed, and now we’re closer than ever.

Rebuilding trust takes time. Keep doing what you’re doing and eventually, your actions will speak for themselves.

I believe that the saying “be true to yourself” doesn’t necessarily mean “keep doing what you’re used to”. It’s a call for us to discover our authentic selves, the best version of ourselves, and be true to that ideal. Underneath all of our trials and pain and suffering, our authentic self lies dormant, awaiting to be rediscovered. Your behaviour does not define you, and if you seek change, nothing can stop you!