Long recap:

I met my current boyfriend a year ago. At the time, we were both single. I was taking a break from relationships and he was crushing on someone. When we first met, we weren’t that close, at all, but, we exchanged numbers because we still wanted to talk. We both had our own group of friends so we didn’t really talk much, but we were each other’s safe place. If one of us was upset, we’d go to the other.

A few weeks later, I moved away, and so did he. At the time, we were still distant, but were still each other’s safe place, and after a while, we started talking more. I did eventually start questioning if maybe me and him would be a good couple, but that thought left my mind quickly since I knew he liked someone.

A few months later, I met someone new, I’ll call him Kade. At first, I didn’t like “Kade” But after about three weeks, I started to fall for him. At this time, my current boyfriend and I weren’t talking and haven’t been for about a month or two. At this point, I thought we weren’t really gonna go far as friends and I wasn’t too bothered by it because us meeting was very sudden.

After those three weeks, Kade and I got together, and we were happy. When we talked, I had a heart racing feeling and butterflies, we both did. Now looking back, I see that because we never talked alone until we got together and we didn’t know each other for long.

Two weeks go by of me and Kade being together, and I get a text from my best friend(current boyfriend) saying he was leaving for awhile because stuff was going on. When I read this, I bursted into tears. I was scared, worried, hurt, and really upset. I cried for about two weeks because of it. Kade tried cheering me up, but it didn’t work.

After awhile, I got use to it. I was still hurt, yes, and I still cried at least twice a month because of it, but I was getting better at being okay with it.

Kade and I were still together. We were happy… For the first two months of our relationship.

We were getting close to three months, but, this is when things got bad. His cousin, Jax(not his real name either) was always trying to get with me, which I, of course, said no to, but I suggested I would be friends with him. At the time I didn’t see it as anything bad, but I see why it would be. When Kade found out about this, he got REALLY upset with me, and kept telling me to block Jax. I didn’t think anything could happen, so I kept refusing. I was wrong.

Two weeks later, Kade stopped texting me. He left me on read, stopped calling me, etc. I was devastated. I knew I did something but didn’t know what, and it hurt, a lot. After a few days, he and his cousin woke me up at 3:41AM and told me to call him. Jax showed him our messages and I guess he wasn’t happy with them(I didn’t cheat) (this is the “problem” I mentioned before) and he left me.

I was hurt, I cried over the phone and told him I was sorry and that if there was anything I could do to fix it, to tell me. There wasn’t, I knew that, but I wanted to do something to try to make it a little better.

This is when we became on and off. I thought I still loved him. I didn’t. I only cared but I didn’t see that, I thought I loved him.

We ALWAYS argued, we were never happy. Neither of us could get over the past. He always made me cry and couldn’t handle me anymore, and he had a bad habit of bringing up my best friend who had went away, which made me cry more.

My best friend left in March, and came back in July, Kade and I were still on and off, but this is when my best friend and I got REALLY close.

We talked every day, he made me really. happy, and we both liked each other, but, of course, we both thought the other person didn’t like us, so he ended up getting with another girl, and I got back with my ex. We were jealous of each other’s partner, but didn’t make it obvious. We still talked to each other more than we did our partners, which made us happy because both of our relationships were toxic. Problem was, we both thought the other didn’t like us, so we stayed in our relationships. Not only that, but we both have a hard time leaving people.

His girlfriend ended up breaking up with him and I was still in my toxic relationship. I was crying every day when I got home, every time I joined a call with Kade, every time he said he’d be right back and never came back, and so much more. I was never happy, and that’s when my best friend stepped in. He made me forget how badly I felt with Kade, he made me forget about how Kade left me for hours and hours. He made me really happy and feel really loved. He later told me he liked me, and I confessed too.

We stayed neutral since I was in a relationship, but we were both happier knowing that we liked each other. As my boyfriend and I got further apart, my best friend and I got closer. We loved it.

That’s when I knew I didn’t want Kade. That’s when I knew I wanted a life with my best friend. That’s when I knew he was my one. He did things for me even if he thought he had no chance with me. He still put effort into making me happy and being there for me even if he thought that I wouldn’t ever be with him. He still texted me good morning, fell asleep over calls with me, and more. He did everything my boyfriend never would.

I finally broke up with my boyfriend and after a week, my best friend and I got together, and we were really happy, and still are. We trust each other with everything and want the best for each other. We have the same wants, needs, same goals, same future ideas, etc. And if we argue, we get it solved and fixed in minutes.

In the first few weeks, I was crazy for him. My heart didn’t race, and I didn’t get butterflies, but I felt so happy and alive. I felt loved and so did he. He was on my mind alllll the time. I was 100% sure I wanted a future with him and I always badly wanted him with me.

And now, I don’t feel all of that. I’m not 100% sure about a future, he’s still always on my mind but I don’t have that “I’m so in love” Tone anymore, and I don’t want him next to me as badly as I use to. I feel more neutral towards him now and the doubts makes it worse. He feels like more than a friend or best friend, obviously, but my feelings don’t match with his relationship towards me, and it’s upsetting. He is everything I’ve ever wanted, but I don’t feel that strong, loving connection. There’s no spark, and it’s really painful to think of, because I want him, of course I want him, but, it isn’t a strong want.

I hope that clears up my story completely, and if you have any advice on how to get that strong feeling back or how to get the doubts away or less of a bother, please let me know! I want him and me to be fluent, I want us to last, I want him to be my one and only, no one else. I only see myself with him.

Also

While I was with “Kade”, that’s when I saw myself with other people, not when we were broken up, and this was even when we were going well.

That would make sense to me, but my fifth boyfriend and I never met in person yet I always got a racing heart and butterflies when he joined a call, but I also remember feeling like he was always going to leave me and I remember invisioning me with other people in question of how it would be, even though all I wanted was my now-ex at the time. With my boyfriend now, we knew each other a little in person but mostly knew each other online and got together online, yet, I never got a racing-heart or butterflies, but I don’t see myself with anyone else and have been wanting a future with only him. He’s on my mind all the time and we talk about a future together often. I use to have a strong want of wanting him to be next to me physically, but now I don’t feel that want as strongly. When he says things about wanting to be with me, I do not feel disgusted or uncomfortable, but I don’t feel the wanting-him-next-to-me as strongly as I did before.

The fifth boyfriend was online. Every time he’d join a call, I had a racing heart, which I remember sometimes thinking something would be wrong.

Two were, the others weren’t.

Anita, I’m a little confused but I think I know what you’re getting at.

Thankyou, those really help. I honestly don’t know how I define love. I know it isn’t the Butterflies and heart racing feeling, but I also don’t know how to explain it. Right now, I just keep getting really cautious. The doubts won’t leave my mind. Right now, what’s bothering me and making me doubt things is that I don’t want him next to me all the time as badly as I once wanted. We have a long-distance relationship because I had to move away so I don’t really know if he does feel like home in person. We talk all day every day and I am really comfortable with him. When something happens, he’s the first and only person I think to tell, rather it’s good or bad, and he’s sent me a lot of sweet, loving things that I’ve always wanted. I’ve had my mind set on the type of guy I’ve always wanted for awhile, and he’s exactly it. We’ve been best friends for over a year and I once lost him before (it wasn’t an argument or problem, he had to leave for awhile) and I cried and cried, but I thought I didn’t care that way. Everything about him is great, even his flaws. There isn’t anything to not love about him, but I keep doubting it. I’ve never doubted a relationship before rather I had the butterflies and crazy feelings or not, and I don’t know what to do. He’s never done anything to make me feel this way.

Hello Anita! I actually found you on a post from awhile ago. I saw many people before telling others to make a separate post so their problems can be resolved easier, I’m in a position like another who woke up one day and felt as if there was a blockage in their love for their partner. I’m in the same position. I know I want to spend my life with him, and I only want him, but I feel as if there is a blockage in it, all because the question “Do you really love him” Came to mind. I was wondering if you or others were to have any advice on how to know how you truly feel about someone or if there is any way to get over such a question? Also, I know a constant racing heart would be badly unhealthy and unrealistic. When I said that, I meant when around your partner. I have seen many things that says your heart raced a bit faster(or something like that) around someone you love, and I don’t get that feeling. I didn’t know if that really was a huge clue, a mild one, or not one at all.