Dear anita,

you are right, I have to repeat it to myself. Try to look for logical explanations instead of feeding into my fearful thoughts. And it will take time.

I am starting to feel more stable again after everything with K. is over for a while now. The feeling of severe anxiety is gone. Of course, I am still a person that worries a lot.

Along the way, I think I learned something. The most important thing is not to rush into anything and take my time. Take time to get to know people, so I will feel comfortable with them. Never do anything that I’m not ready to do just to please others… Listen to my own feelings.

And when I move out of the dormitory, I will hopefully feel even more better. Even though I am disappointed in myself, that I couldn’t solve the problem and hid myself instead. Right now, I don’t know how to behave when I meet the people that live here. I feel very weird, but maybe, like you said, I should stop telling that to myself. Maybe I should just say “hello” to them, regardless of their reaction. Maybe I should do it for myself. My therapist said something like that and it seems like a good idea. To not look for answers or approval outside, but seek it inside me.

Dear anita,

thank you for your long and thoughtful response!

I agree that I probably was telling a little too much. Maybe I don’t owe it to other people to tell them of all my problems… I think what I wanted was to be understood. Especially if they asked my current roommates, I feared that they would tell them how weird I was. But being honest in the way that you suggested could be a better idea!

They found somebody else, but they wrote that it was nice to meet such a dear (?nice) person. I think it is for the best, as I wasn’t feeling so good about this. Also, they lived farther away from the city center and I don’t think I liked that area of the city too much.

But I am very disappointed of myself and how things developed in the dormitory. When I moved in a few years back, I introduced myself to everyone and it made me feel better. I even found a good friend and was friendly with some people. But now, everything is back like how it was in the first dormitory, where I also didn’t enter the community rooms and was very isolated.

When I start over, I really want to improve communication and I want to work on not taking everything personally!! I feel stupid for creating all this drama in my head! But maybe I can be more gentle with myself: I was very stressed already at the time and the stealing suspicion was just too much for me… Still, I need to work a lot on myself.

Regarding finding a new place, I already lived alone for some years and it was o.K. But the chances to get isolated are bigger and I also feel more safe with some people around. Also, it is very hard to find an affordable appartment in this city! There are about 40 people looking at the same flat and there will likely be at least one or two of them that have a better income than me. At least my chef gave me my new contract last week, but so far, I wasn’t successful.

Maybe living with an older person will be an option. But truly, I want to talk a little more to the people I live with, as it will make me feel more comfortable. You are right that I am not a social butterfly, and I do need a lot of alone time. But it would be nice to talk a little about my day from time to time, just knowing the people I live with a little better.

Here at the dormitory, there are 15 people living at one floor and it is not for me. I think that, if I live with just one or two people, it will be easier for me to get to know them and feel comfortable with them.

In the past months, I also wasn’t feeling good about myself, so I withdrew myself. But the situation, as it is now, makes me unhappy and I want to do better next time! Maybe it could be a chance to learn new things and train my social skills. But I am also afraid of failing and being a terrible roommate… But I think, if I work on communication and don’t run away from conflicts, I can be a good roommate. And you can definitely talk to me and I can also take criticism.

On Monday I will look at another room. It is with two women, a little older than me. They say they like to talk to each other, but they also do their own thing. Maybe it could be a match. It is also in an area of the city that I like and affordable. And they are thinking about adopting a cat and I love cats 🙂

I will see…

And I also want to work on changing my core belief of being a bad person. But I think that I am already seeing things a lot clearer and understanding myself better than a few months ago. I have the feeling that I am making slow progress!

Thank you as always for taking the time to read and for your help!

Dear anita,

yes, I am trying to stay more calm and plan my days better. I am feeling like I am slowly getting better, like I am procrastinating a little less and doing better. It feels like I care more and have a more positive outlook for the future, instead of constantly looking at myself as a loser. My therapy and talking to you has helped me already, I think.

I followed my plan to send out applications for a room last week. And I got 3 responses out of four.

Yesterday I went to see one of the rooms. The people living there seemed friendly and I think their lifestyle could also match with mine. But you know what? One of them said they know one of my roommates at the dormitory. How is it even possible in a city this big? Sometimes I feel like my life is a soap opera…

Well, as she was probably going to ask her friend about me, I told them that I likely didn’t make a good impression on my roommates here at the dormitory.That I hadn’t been feeling well in the past months because of problems with my boyfriend and that I was an outsider at the dormitory. That people seem to think that I had stolen something and I even said that I have avoidant personality disorder.

Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have revealed all of this, but I thought in this case it’s best to be open. Their reaction was positive. They said that they form their own opinion and that it was courageous of me to share that. But the one woman seemed also a little uncomfortable. Maybe I overshared, but I feel like I did the right thing, even though it probably means that they won’t want to live with me. Being honest is the best way for me. Better than one day the friend (my current roommate) coming over and things getting awkward…

I guess I will have to continue looking.

The last week was a little stressful, so I didn’t send out new applications. At work, I now have new tasks and I also have to answer the phone and talk to the costumers. It is a bit of a challenge, as I probably seem too insecure at times. But I tried my best, and if I know the answers, I do well, I think. But once I didn’t know what to say on the phone when my boss was around and that was a little uncomfortable. But I am learning.

After work, I even went to uni, to work on my projects. I think I did o.K. this week. But now I feel also a little tired. Today I also go to a workshop. Maybe next weekend I will take a day off and go to the forest or do something more relaxing.

As for my career, I feel more motivated to work on that now. And I will look into what you said about making money online. Maybe I can ask my mentor. I remembered how much I liked being creative and I think it could give me a purpose in life.

How are you doing? Hope all is well with you, please take care!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

I am feeling a little better now. At least I am not having this extreme feeling of anxiety and like I am going crazy. And I have no more suicidal thoughts. I feel more stable, even though I still feel sad.

At work, I will be working more hours for some time and earn more, so that is a good thing. And yesterday I met my mentor, after I had almost canceled the whole program a few weeks ago, when I was under a lot of stress.  She is very friendly, and we decided that I make a time plan for my university projects and other career plans. It also seems that she has a lot of useful tips on how to become a freelance illustrator. It is good to have someone to guide me a little on how to do the first steps.

Today I also looked at one room that I really liked. But there are a lot of people interested… I have to work more on this search for an appartment and I need to motivate myself. So I want to write here to motivate myself. Tomorrow, I will contact at least one person in search of a room. Hopefully it helps.

One day, I would like to have a real home, with some people who are part of my life… But I already have my best friend and we truly support each other. And my family is also supportive, even though it is a little difficult. So I need to be thankful for that. But I also want to have more friends and become less isolated…

And how are you doing?

Last week, I think on thursday, I looked at my facebook messages and saw that K’s profile picture was deleted. I wondered if he had blocked me. But it seems he has deleted his account. Despite it not going well between us, I feel worried about him. But hopefully he is just focusing on his studies or improving his life. It probably has nothing to do with me and I hope he is well.

To find out, what it looks like if you get blocked, I looked at my old messages by the man from the dormitory. I had blocked him for a long time, but now it seems like he had blocked me on all of his accounts recently (I know the message was different only some weeks ago or so). Because the note in my messenger changed from “you can’t respond to this conversation” to “this person is currently not available”.

Of course I am happy with his choice to block me and move on with his life. Just, the timing is very strange. After three years of our “breakup”? Why now? Why is he still thinking about me so much after all of this time, that he feels the need to block me?

There was something weird with my account too. It said I had messages, when I had none. I wondered if there was something wrong or if it got hacked, and changed my password.

On saturday after yoga class, when I went home I crossed by a group of men, seemingly from the same ethnicity like the men from the dormitory. One was grinning at me. And one said “I will help you” and another one repeated it. I just ignored them, but I found it strange…

I know it sounds super crazy… There are more weird things, but I am probably overthinking again, making up crazy conspiracy theories… Right???

I am sorry to bother you with this. Maybe it’s just a sign that the story with these two is over now and that I should just move on.

Dear anita,

you are right. Sometimes I get a little obsessive. Most likely they don’t think that much about me. Everything else would be weird. Especially over some knife? I guess it reminds me too much of my past… But now I have made myself the outcast by my own doing.

Best to occupy my time with more useful things. And let others be. They do things because of themselves, not because of me. I am not that important.

What I can do is to try to improve my life step by step.

Dear Peter,

this book suggestion sound really good. I am considering buying it, even though the christian background puts me a little bit off… But maybe this could even be a reason to make it more helpful for me. Otherwise, it seems to be a book that is tailored to my problem.

Yes, I feel a lot of shame. Because I am far behind in life. And because I am not doing well in social situations. But the feeling was always there, long before I failed in my career… So maybe it was undeserved.

It is definitely undeserved in the dormitory situation. Because I didn’t steal anything and I never did anything bad to my flatmates (except being socially awkward). And my private life and failed relationship is also none of their business and most likely they don’t even know about it.

But it is hard to overcome these feelings.

Dear anita,

thank you, I have a good feeling with my therapist. She seems to really care and I have understood some things thanks to her already. But it is going very slowly. But most likely it takes time. Thank you for your well wishes.

Besides that, I have to really work on finding a new place to live. Living here just makes me so sick. People look at me weirdly and some also behave in strange ways. I think many of them really seem to believe that I am a thief. But I have to remind myself that it is not the truth, even if it looks bad.

It just drags me down a lot. But so far I have procrastinated on my search for a new place. Maybe I can  use this thread as a journal to motivate myself and post my progress.

Dear GL,

thank you for your helpful reply. I will answer you later as I don’t want to spend too much time on the computer right now and need to get my day started!

Please take care!