Hi Sofioula,

I am happy for you for being able to form a relationship after feeling the same kind of pressures I still feel. I am much older than you but I can relate when you describe the anxiety. The anxiety for me was the same when I was 23 as it is for me now except I did feel more hopeful when I was 23.  Some day it will happen. I would tell myself this and I believed it. It will, just happen, I believed.

I almost feel like as the years have gone by for me, that everything that made me attractive and likable also made me vunerable to being hurt. Instead of embracing my femininity, I retreated more and more into my room. I want that to change and want to embrace everything that makes up who I am. I want to stop hiding. I want to be comfortable being myself and knowing that’s enough..

Affirmations work really well for me and I am trying to get into meditation or I will be. I love that these things have helped you in such a positive way. I am sorry you are going through a break up but I am so glad to hear that your determination is working for you. Hope you are well.

Thank you for your advice. My attention is to focus on me and what makes me happy first before I can attract someone else to share my time with.
You also have a very blessed day tomorrow and thank you,

Sincerely,

Lisa

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Lisa.

Anita,

Thank you! I wouldn’t have progressed to making this thread without your help and help from others who posted in what can be described as an anxiety filled thread.

Yes I want to explore what I said about pushing love away and putting myself out there and noticing my thoughts and how I feel and hopefully writing it down. I want to change my thought patterns.

I am sad for your experience pushing people away but I understand pushing everyone away. I do that very well. In fact the nicer one is to me the more likely I will do a very good job of pushing that someone away. I have often believed the people who do not think so well of me that I often think that the person who does like me does not show good taste. I know that is a terrible thing to say about myself but there it is. That’s how I often end up feeling.

Well I what I want more than anything is clarity. I want to realize what my thoughts that I grew up with were and whether or not they are really what was/is going on? I will explain better when I start posting what I am doing and learning.

Sincerely,

Lisa

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Lisa.

Hi Mandelbrot,

Thank you for taking the time to read some of my thread. I know, it’s very long and can at times be just a little bitter, LOL I don’t even want to go over it again but I might here and there to reference my thinking then as opposed to now. I am learning that there are others who have also not been in a relationship so thank you for sharing that with me.

Briefly, I am a somewhat older woman who has never been able to form a relationship with a man. I have daydreamed practically my whole life everyday about having one. I am going on a search right now to find out the truth as to why? I think my experiences when I was growing up have distorted reality for me and my goal is to see clearly.

I am shy and insecure unless it’s just a friendly social setting. I agree with you that it’s important that I look for support. I also need to stop seeing my room as an escape. I can still make my room a haven for relaxing but I use it as a place to hide.

I am open to all forms of spirituality. I was raised Catholic but believe in learning from everyone. I have also thought of that.. taking a class or an interesting course to be around other people. I am so happy for you that you have found a way to curb lonliness and please keep optimistic about meeting someone who you will enjoy spending time with.

I would enjoy reading philosophy as I spend so much time wondering. I will read up on Stoicism and Secular Humanism.

I love yoga and yes physical activity does indeed improve my mood. I feel better physically too. I have a strong body when I take care of it.

I am hesitant to use mobile dating because I feel as if I should have least been able to try meeting someone in person before I felt I had the right to use online dating. I feel like I should have success first and then I could try other forms of dating. I don’t know if that makes any sense?

I think like you said with my shyness and insecurity needing work first, if I am open to different ways of meeting men than different ways of dating will come easier for me.

I am looking for someone I am compatable with above all who I like spending time with and who likes spending time with me.

It’s so wonderful that you bring up confidence! I think I need to work on that quite a bit. I could be blaming men instead of just owning up that I am afraid of pursuing relationships. I am afraid of love. I tell myself all the time, he won’t like me, he will never like me.  I am creating my reality.

I am so happy for you that your work on confidence has gone well! Thank you so much for sharing with me.

Sincerely,

Lisa

Thank you! Merry Christmas!

I am sorry I have not seen your message until now.

Lisa

I had a longer post Anita but I do not feel like posting it now.

It could be my hormones but I am overcome with fear right now. My biggest fear is being shown that I am not as important as others. Some think simply acknowledging the feelings of others who are not in thier bubble is a grand effort that they can’t imagine doing.

I keep “not posting” everything I want to say.

There is a lot of emotion tied into what I feel are my philosophical observations that it often comes out distorted and rambling.

Will try to post again soon.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lisa.

There has to be some situations where there is no more to see and seeing a situation correctly but I agree that there are many more situations than not where there is more to see.

I am sorry for your experience with your mother. I understand what you are saying by thinking everyone is just like the person or people who wronged you or hurt you.

I can think of the person who used me, the one who was always angry at me, the one who stayed out of my life, the one who I couldn’t depend on, the one who made me feel bad about myself, the ones who humiliated me, the ones who rejected me and compared me unfavourably to someone else…Everyone I meet are one of these people and I react to them the way I would react to them when I first experienced the hurt they caused me.

I am stuck

I am immature.

Again I am sorry for your experience. Back then it just felt like everyone I came in contact with rejected me, put up with me or was annoyed with me until I just decided to stay in my room as much as I possibly could.

I never matured. I was forced to go out and make money in my extremely immature state and I am not surprised by all the hurt and bumps in the road I endured. I am also not surprised at what others had to endure from me. Having pmdd only magnified my unfortunate situation but ultimately my problem was that I was/ am immature and stuck possibly in the age I decided to drop out of life. Around 11 or 12. I am mentally healthy in that I know what is real and what isn’t which had probaly contributed to my sadness. If I was delusional really I don’t think I would cry as much as I do or seek help as much as I do. I am not emotionally healthy though. I am quite immature and that has contributed to me not knowing how to really help myself physically or emotionally.

The reality is I do not have the slightest clue how to start a relationship let alone maintain one.

Socially I believe I see things clearly on a human level, Philosophically and spiritually, I am up for anything but emotionally I am not seeing clearly at all.

At the risk of taking a backward steps it did feel overwhelming when I was younger. It did feel that I was just an annoyance. The overall feeling, I can give “moments” when I felt loved but overall I felt like I showed up to a party I wasn’t invited to.

Thank you Anita,

Lisa

If ypu need clarity on anything let me know? I know what I want to say in my head but not sure if it came across well in my post.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Lisa.

Because I don’t see people as “moody” or “that’s just the way they are” I have to come up with a reason for their behaivor because I always believe there is a reason behind everything. It’s hard for me to rationally address something I find irrational. Others can calmly say like “I don’t like it when you speak to me that way,” and don’t bother to wonder why someone is speaking “that way” to them. I have to know why and if I can not come up with a logical answer then it just must be me. There is something wrong with me otherwise this makes no sense and why would someone who is irrational be in the position of authority that they are in?

I often think it is because they put on a different tone or voice depending on whom they are speaking with.

Anyway, much to work on but I have to get through my work today first.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Lisa.