Dear MisunderstoodAustistic

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Let me know if I’ve got this right – so you rented a place for yourself, where you had to pay the rent, power, water, etc. However later on, you found out that it was a sub-lease, which wasn’t allowed, so you were forced to move out (or you voluntarily moved out knowing that it was bad for you.) Now that you have moved out, you do not have a place to stay and you’ve asked council for homeless help. But they might ask questions that might put you or your landlord in an uncomfortable position.

Is that correct?

I guess what I think might work for you is that:

1) You urgently need somewhere to settle down. Do you have family members or friends that can help you? I don’t know what country you’re in, and how things work over there. If you have some money with you, can you find somewhere like a backpackers place where you can stay for a few days or a couple weeks (instead of being “homeless”, which I suppose, is not good for you)? You have to be sure that you can take care of yourself.

2) Perhaps it is too late now. But you need a “contingency” plan for whatever you are going to do. I think you might be a bit too reckless when you moved out. You do not have a place to stay. It is better for you to know where you are going so that you can be sure that you’re safe. I’m more worried about you than whatever it is about the situation where you or your landlord might get into trouble.

3) If the landlord allowed you to live there without letting you know that it is not allowed under the lease, then they must be responsible for that. However it does not mean that you have to put them under the spotlight if the council does ask you questions. You could be more “generic” in your answer, for example, you can say that you used to share a place with someone. But for some reasons you’re not allowed back to that place anymore, so you need help.

4) I don’t mean to judge you but I think your name really got my attention. Let me know if I have interpreted it correctly. So you are either formally diagnosed or you’re aware that you have autism (or ASD), and you feel that you might be misunderstood if you ask anything here that might not make sense to others. Could you please let me know whether I have understood the above correctly? (If you are comfortable with it, we can discuss it further.)

Take care.

I am aware that this is an old thread from a few years ago .. Hope you guys talked about it and everything went well after that.

I think a simple answer, from my experience, could be that some of the dating apps have certain algorithms that would make some of the users look like they’re “active” all the time, so that the other users will be interested and send them message requests, and this is what keeps the site going.

My boyfriend was really mad at me for being “online” on the site where we met, stating the same reasons as yours. The truth is that I have been offline the whole time, however, this is the way the dating site is designed, to make the girls look like they are always available.

We had a good laugh about it.

Dear V

Agree with Anita and she is definitely right about that. You should not doubt your instinct. If it doesn’t feel right to you, then don’t do it.

I find that in this forum, by discussing our ideas, it actually helps me to reflect on my own experiences as well.

I would like to add that we have to understand that people are on a “spectrum” (say, a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the most “conservative”, and 10 being the most “redical”). I guess the majority of the group, in your case, will score “higher” on this scale.

There is no right or wrong about it.

I would say that I am comfortable with discussing the type of porn that I like, and even some of the things that are normally  “personal” e.g. what would you prefer to do in the “intimate” scenes – I have no problems with that.

I can proudly say that I am a bisexual and my partner knows it as well.

I have discussed it in social settings with friends that I know and ones that I don’t know that well. It can be embarrassing, however, it is such a great relief that I have shared some of the things that had been troubling me as well.

They can use it against me if they want. I wouldn’t be affected by that, as I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. It is more of a reflection of their character, that they would use such things against you.

I do not intend to run in the presidential election nor am I a public figure, and I trust that the friends that I share this to will not use it against me. But if they do, I am quite determined to cut them off from my life PERMANENTLY. They are aware of that. I do not have any tolerance for people that go against me and I suggest that they don’t cross the line.

It is normal for some people to need a lot of it, and there is nothing wrong with people who do not need it (and do not want to talk about it at all).

You are absolutely right. You do not have to talk about that with your friends. You have the right to remain silent on things that you don’t want to talk about.

Thanks Canadian Eagle for finding this post from nearly 10 years ago! Otherwise it wouldn’t have been brought to my attention, so thank you very much. It is interesting how things from such a long time ago are still relevant to this date.

Hi SantaFe

I am actually quite new to this forum and I am reading a little bit of everything. I’ve read this thread and I’m wondering how you are doing? Did you get the job that you wanted?

I hope you don’t mind me pointing out, but I see 2 issues here. (I am thinking I’m similar age as you, as you mentioned that you have been trying hard for the past 27 years. So I think I might be able to understand from your perspective what is so hard with everything that you’ve tried, it still didn’t work out):

1. Related to yourself: You have realised that you have the tendency to please everyone and you have the need to seek approval from others (i.e. external validation) which is sometimes not what you get. Also you have anxiety problems, which could be social or general anxiety (P.S. this is, by no means, a diagnosis. It is just what I see using my “common sense”), and you seem to really self-conscious especially in relation to what others think of you. You focus on the negatives and cannot get it out of your head. You think you are such a “loser” that it is a “fact” that you cannot change.

2. Related to work: You have attended many interviews and so far it has not been a good experience for you. You do not have the same qualities that you see in other candidates and you think lowly of yourself, which is to do with #1. It could be due to the lack of interview skills, or that you do have the skills but then you lack confidence in yourself.

I hope you don’t mind me saying that, as I might seem to be “judgemental” although what I am doing is just trying to help.

For #1: I guess knowing that you have the issues that you have mentioned above is the first step to success. Because without knowing what the issues are (i.e. self-awareness), then it is impossible to work on those things to become a better person. So I think you have successfully made this first step that is crucial to your wellbeing (and career wise it is a good move). I would like to congratulate you on that.

However, what I see here is that you seem to have a bit of resistance to the fact that you are who you are. And it seems that the recognition of who you are did not lead to any significant process, as you are quite “stuck” on the things that you don’t like about yourself, instead of fully accepting your flaws, which also means that you might be able to see the positives about yourself that could make you feel better about yourself.

I have a similar problem, as I tend to seek approval from my partner, probably as a result of my childhood experiences (I never really got what I wanted, yet I was forced to “listen” to the grown-ups, and if I failed to do what I was asked to do, then I feared the consequences which could be “huge”, i.e. I grew up in an environment where we’re ruled by “intimidation”). However this is not what he could give me, due to the fact that he is generally quite optimistic, and he doesn’t see the problems I see and all he thinks of me is “why all the drama” and “why don’t you just get along with others”.

I think it takes time to get there. I am still learning about myself, and I think it is a journey of self-discovery that is totally worth it. I have learned to turn my focus inwards, as I have learned that if I can see strength within myself, then I do not need to constantly ask for help, and I already have the answers for myself most of the time.

And in doing so, first I need to not “argue” with myself. I have to 100% “agree” with myself, and not go against what I believe is true. This is an act of self-acceptance and self-compassion, to give our “inner child” what we need most, which is acceptance from others that we didn’t get when we needed it most. Oftentimes what we’re doing is that we try to significantly “undermine” our thoughts as we think that we’re not as good as others, or they won’t agree with us anyways, thus we’re going in circles “arguing” with ourselves why we are (in)correct, or giving excuses for our (or others’) behaviour which is not good.

For #2: I used to be shy and doubt myself a lot when it comes to interviews. I was never good at that. In fact I was told that I was a piece of s**** when I did the interviews at school, where it was easy for others to become the “president” of after-school clubs and it was somehow hard for me to get anything. (Again, it is to do with my perceptions of what I think of myself and how I think others would think of me).

I guess for me, in addition to the “normal” interview tips that you would get elsewhere on the internet, I believe it is important for you to understand where your strengths lie, and basically, what you want to do that is really for your own good. So if I can answer all the questions in a way that is completely true to myself, without trying to impress anyone, often it is how you “impress” the crowd as they did not know that this is what you think.

And if you know yourself well enough, then you would know that certain experiences were not useful to you (like how you might have had a conflict with a supervisor, which did no good to you) and by not focusing on that, and learning from it at the same time, then you are actually “answering” the questions that they would be asking you in an interview.

Also if you are not sure about yourself, there are other ways for you to “approach” those questions that are commonly asked in an interview. One thing that really helped me that might sound stupid at first is that I actually did some of those “quizzes” online e.g. “what spiritual animal am I?”, “what do others think of me?”, “what is my colour”. You know, the ones that are “freakingly accurate” that somehow makes no sense at all, but then they would return with a list of adjectives that you can use to describe yourself (e.g. friendly, intuitive, innocent) that could somehow help you in some ways.

These are the words that others would use to describe you. And what words would you use to describe yourself?

P.S. If you feel that the interview doesn’t go well, as the saying goes, the interview process is pretty much like “dating”. So you haven’t met the one. It doesn’t mean that it is a failure.

For example, I am good at sales. I know it for a fact. I have no problems with talking to anyone, even though I am quite sensitive and I get hurt easily. But I also know for a fact that I am “unconventional”. So if the interview requires me to engage in a role play with the interviewer (who pretends to be a customer) and I am judged against a list of criteria to be met, I know for sure that I will not succeed in the interview. This is because I am good at forming relationships with customers, and I can say the right thing that makes a customer feel comfortable with themselves, which would motivate them to share more with me, so I can find the items (or services) that they need without having to push (or sell) anything. (In fact I talk too much and I make a lot of friends, which is “inappropriate” in the workplace, but then I use it as an advantage as I can promote the things to customers by knowing what they are really asking for).

The fact that I am trustworthy, friendly, and instinctive, give me an edge over others, and it cannot be proven by some of the standard procedures in an interview, especially if there are lots of “red tape” in an organisation and they will judge you based on that. So it takes the right person to see what you are capable of, and to give you what you need. But at the same time, you also need to take the initiatives to do the things that are best for you.

At the end of the day, no one really “cares” much about you. You have to bring you “A” game, and you know what is best for you so you have to fight for it.

Hi Eric

I am new to this forum and I was looking at some of the topics. I found yours from a while back and I am wondering how you are doing.

Hopefully things have worked out on your end. If not, and if you still want to chat about your experience we can do it here.

I saw some similarities between you and me in the sense that some of the jobs that I had in the past did not last long and I feel like I am such a disappointment.

However over time I have realized that people who share similar experiences are the ones that are often sensible (as opposed to “sensitive” to criticisms) and perhaps level headed, so we often find ourselves in situations where we have conflicts with the ones higher up. Also we are the ones that hold the truths and will stand our grounds, as it gives us inner peace.

But things don’t always work out and we find ourselves in unfortunate circumstances such as yours (e.g. even being “blacklisted”) and despite our best intentions we might be labelled as “antisocial”, “problematic” or “non-team players” trying to be the “backseat driver”.

Or “failing the job miserably” even though we see the values of our contributions.

For me I have found myself in a rut and I wasn’t making any progress despite my best efforts. That brought me back to a really dark place where I felt really depressed.

With the encouragement from my partner I knew that I had to break this cycle of shame and self-pity. I had to do better than that.

The first step I took was to recognize the fact that I didn’t fit into the organisations where I (or my parents or society) thought I would belong. I don’t need to be “higher up” to have self worth. I have learned the fact that the most outspoken ones on social media, and the ones with the most “successful” stories are not representative of all of our experiences.

The ones that don’t “fit in” would naturally “fit into” their own groups where they belong. This doesn’t normally happen on social media, for example, so if this is where you’re looking for support then you probably won’t meet the people of your kind. At least that is what I have learned.

You have to know where to find your people that will see your worth. Even if you don’t know where they are, by being yourself and trusting your gut, you are making huge steps that will lead you to the right direction.

It could be something as small as, for example, me walking around the neighbourhood to look for signs that someone is hiring, when everyone else is either on LinkedIn or sending their applications through the main recruitment sites which have failed me many times.

There are expectations for me to be there on par with the higher ups due to my academic background. However I choose to be simple and I want to work at a local store where I can make friends and be happy with my life. So I need to change my attitude, not only through the words that I use verbally and in writing, but through my mind.

By changing my mind I see where the opportunities are in places that I wasn’t even looking when I had too much going on in my mind. It turns out that the shop manager has been looking for someone for a long time but could not find anyone, probably because they do not have good marketing skills.

However I was the person that they’re looking for. It was a dream job for me, and I really wanted that. No one ever noticed that there was a small piece of paper on the shop window saying they’re hiring someone and the advert looked like scam.

Despite their horrible writing skills I thought there might be a chance so I tried and I got the job, something that I really liked. I am still not sure if I am going to quit.. hopefully not.

I guess you just need to focus on the good, and be honest with yourself about your situation. Look at the bigger picture – why is there a mismatch between what you see and what you think others would think of you?

What went wrong?

Have honest conversations with yourself and explain to yourself why that should or shouldn’t be the case. Don’t lie to yourself. Because if you cover it up with lies it will come back to you. You won’t like the job and that is one of the main consequences.

What is holding you back? What are the insecurities that you must face if you want to find something that you like and stay in the job?

I think you might have some answers for yourself. Sometimes it takes time to grow and learn about yourself as well.

I do not personally think that it has anything to do with ADHD as I do not agree that anyone should be defined, or limited, by any diagnosis that they have received at any point in their life which could well just be an opinion of an expert that is not approved by other experts that have other opinions.