Anita,

Thank you, and yes, you got everything right: I am referring to the abusive ex that I wrote about in March 2020 and I did date him from 2015-2018. We started dating when I was 15.

I have talked about it with my therapist, which is the only reason I am able to admit that it happened. For years I kept it a secret.

I think I might get an attorney, even if I don’t have any evidence right now I want to go over my options.

It’s been around 2-3 years since I broke up with him. I thought I would be over the trauma of the relationship by now, but I feel that I am only now able to be honest with myself about what happened (the emotional abuse, the sexual abuse, the digital abuse, the verbal abuse, etc.). Because I am only now processing my trauma, I feel like I am still at one of my lowest points brought on by that relationship. I get a lot of flashbacks and I am triggered a lot. On the bright side, I think a lot of my suffering from the past 2-6 years (body dysmorphia, eating disorder, anxiety, depression) has lessened a lot. I have always struggled with those things, but they seemed to get worse the more I ran away from my trauma. Now, I suffer more from PTSD, even though I still suffer, although less, from those other things.

Last night was the first time I even thought about getting justice for myself, and it wasn’t even until around 3 years after the relationship ended, which I think shows how much time it took me to actually begin processing the abuse.

I wish that I could just fast forward to the point when I no longer get flashbacks, I feel like I got justice, and my mental health improves.

EDIT: on my last post, I meant to say “I’m going to try to be tested soon” instead of diagnosed soon.

Anita,

thank you for the advice. I will continue to try to end contact with her. I want to end contact with her so badly. I feel that it would help me grow. I want to replace her with people who better me. However, it seems so difficult. Going back to my body dysmorphia, I feel like my nose holds me back so much. I look at people who are happy and they all have perfect noses. I feel like my nose keeps me from being attractive. It makes me feel inferior. It makes me feel afraid to put myself out there because 1) I dislike myself and 2) I feel like others will judge me for the things I dislike about myself. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I want to be confident and happy. My anxiety over my nose has gotten so much better than before, but it’s still there. And it still makes me feel ugly.

it hurts me because I look in the mirror and think, ”she is crazy for thinking my nose is big. It’s small” but then I think about it and I’m like “I think I’m just blind. I can’t ignore that it’s not perfect. People probably think my nose is big and I’m the only one who thinks it’s not”

People in this world are super critical. How don’t I know they’re not judging me? My therapist tells me to trust my gut, and my gut told me that my nose isn’t bad (because I didn’t care about my nose for years. I never thought it took away from my beauty). However, now my gut is telling me my nose is bad. Or just that my face is bad. Who can I trust? The old me or the new me? I hate this feeling 🙁

I haven’t mentioned much about this, but I’ve been somewhat losing feelings for my boyfriend. I still love him so I’m trying to work it out, but I noticed I was losing feelings when I was attracted to other people. I was crushing on other people.

This may sound wrong or like cheating, but it was just a thought so I don’t want to take it seriously. I was just thinking about this guy that I really think is attractive because he’s really mature and into self growth (again, just a thought. I know it sounds wrong to think that because I have a boyfriend, but I would never act on that thought). I was imagining myself with a guy like him, but then I saw he was following this girl I know on Instagram. The girl is really pretty and I feel like she is way prettier than me, so I was sad. Because I thought to myself “who am I kidding? Why am I imagining myself with a guy like him. He is into girls like that, not me” and I felt really sad. Then I was like, “it’s because of my nose. If my nose was smaller and fixed, I would be as pretty as that girl”

does that make sense? I’m not trying to cheat on my boyfriend but I was just thinking about what it would be like to date that kind of guy. Then I felt insecure because I felt I’m not good enough for it. But I don’t want to feel that way. I want to be confident and feel that I can date whoever I want.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by Katie.

Anita,

Thank you for your reply. I haven’t told her that her comments (especially regarding my nose) hurt me. I have just been too afraid to tell her, and I have no idea why. Maybe I’m afraid of her. I feel very nervous when I think about how I would confront her. To me, confronting her wouldn’t change much because it wouldn’t stop my hurting.

I also feel that she knows what she is doing hurts me. She has been vocal about people saying negative things about her appearance and how it hurts her feelings, so that is an indicator to me that she knows. So if I confront her, what will she say? Apologize and not mean it? She can’t take back my pain. She is smart enough to know what is rude and what isn’t rude.

Also, yes, she stopped saying negative things about my appearance. I have no idea why she stopped. I never confronted her to stop, she just did. I think it may have been because she could tell I was developing some issues around my appearance. All I know is that I never told her to stop. For all I know, she could say something rude about my appearance next week. It could also just be because I distanced myself and she doesn’t have as many opportunities to even say anything.

I will try to end the contact. The problem is, she wants to visit me in a couple of weeks. I told her that she may not be able to come, and she got really mad.

Anita,

That makes sense. I still view her as my best friend, and it is hard to let go (probably for the reason you explained). It is so weird how it always comes back to her. All my problems always come back to her. In the end, I am always complaining about her. What she said caused me to hate myself, what she did made me cry, but in the end, I feel like it is my fault for not standing up for myself or confronting her.

I tried setting up a boundary with her recently. She kept saying “this girl is so ugly” so I simply said, “hey can we not talk about this kind of stuff anymore? it seems toxic” and she got really mad. Whenever I asked her a simple question, she would answer with “I am not answering, too toxic.” That annoyed me because instead of understanding, she began to act petty.

I’ve been researching narcissistic relationships, and I feel like she is a narcissist. The funny thing is, this is EXACTLY how I felt in the abusive relationship with my ex. I cared about him, and I care about my cousin. He would insult me, she insults me. I would try to leave but mentally couldn’t allow myself to, I try to leave my relationship with her but can’t allow myself to. I can’t tell if she is my best friend or my worst enemy. Is she just obliviously rude? Or does she do it on purpose? Is it my fault for not standing up for myself? Or is there something greater going on? Am I overreacting?

I just feel very confused, all the time. Sometimes I feel like it is in my head, but other times I can’t deny what’s going on.

Anita,

I just want to apologize for not replying in almost a month. I didn’t realize how much time had gone by, but I just needed a break. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to be so focused on my problems. Especially because I also have a therapist, it sometimes feels like I’m constantly focused on my problems and then it’s hard to focus on other parts of my life. But I wanted to come back on here and update you on what’s going on in my life and seek some advice. So, as for my cousin, I haven’t really ended contact with her yet. I still feel very hesitant. In my head, I know it would be the best option, but I’m just stuck. I’m stuck in this weird place in my life where I do not have many friends anymore and I don’t feel that I will be able to make any. For that reason, I stuck between 3 decisions.

The first decision would be to continue doing what I’m doing now: pretend that nothing is wrong whenever my cousin talks to me and go along that I am happy talking with her but attempt to somewhat distance myself. It seems like an easy direction for me because it means I don’t have to change anything, I don’t have to open up about my mental issues, and I can continue to have the support of my cousin in my everyday life. This is the decision I have been making every day for a couple of months, maybe even a year. It’s simply the decision that would take the least amount of pain and effort, which is why I continue to choose this decision even though I don’t believe it’s the best decision.

The second decision would be to confront my cousin. This is a lot more difficult than the first decision. The reason for that is because 1) I have to open up about my mental illness and 2) I don’t even know what the results would be. I’ve been hiding this issue from my cousin for… maybe almost 1.5 years now. If I were to confront her, would she even take it seriously? I’m very bad at confrontations when I’m nervous, so a lot of the time when I try to act brave and confront someone, they take it as I’m attacking them in which they act very defensive and I end up apologizing for even confronting them. If I were to confront my cousin and she takes it seriously, what would happen? Would she apologize? That doesn’t fix my mental problems. I wish it would, but it wouldn’t. She still said it and it still caused me to develop body dysmorphia. Would she take it back? Not sure I would believe it as she probably would only take it back because she feels bad for the effect it had on me. This decision is a very confusing one, but the one positive it would have would be that I wouldn’t have to drop my cousin (someone who I have always seen as my best friend). It also, hopefully, would change the dynamic between my cousin and me, making her more aware of my issues and maybe even helping and supporting me further.

The third decision would be to drop her. This definitely would be the hardest decision for me. It’s one that would cause me the most pain, but also the one that most people advise me to do. First, it would probably include me having to give her some explanation for dropping her, as she would ask and ask until I gave it. Would I lie? Would I avoid telling her? Would I just tell her the reason why, which would combine my second decision of confronting her with my third decision to end contact? As in, would I confront her then end contact with her? I have no idea what it would be. Also, she is a big part of my support system. Who else, besides my boyfriend would support me? I have mentioned that I have distanced myself from my friends, which means I would essentially have no one until I somehow am able to make new friends. Would I just have to live as even more of a recluse as I already am right now? Or, would I somehow be empowered by my cousin’s absence in my life and solve all my issues, make tons of friends, and live my happy life? I don’t know, but I feel like it wouldn’t happen that way.

As you can see, this decision is very difficult for me. I somehow lose out in all three scenarios, although I probably would get the most benefits from decisions 2 and 3. Decision 1 would give me no benefits or losses.

Another thing: my boyfriend has randomly switched his opinion on me ending contact with my cousin. First, he wanted me to do it and make new friends. Now, he says I should forgive her and keep her in my life. The latter, to me, seems stupid because I don’t want to forgive her. I want my mental issues fixed, and forgiving her wouldn’t fix them. I’ve also been trying to fuel my bravery to end contact or drop her by NOT forgiving her, and instead, making her out to be the bad guy in my head. If she is the bad guy, then it would be a lot easier to end contact with her. I mean, she is kinda the bad guy for telling me I need a nose job, constantly putting down my intelligence, saying I’m fat, putting her toxic ways of thinking onto me, and just not seeming to care about me in a lot of situations. But suddenly my boyfriend seems to be rooting for my cousin? He tells me that she cares about me and I should just forget about it. The thing is, he used to talk badly about her to me, and I liked it. I liked it when he would put her down to me because it made me feel good. In my head, if my cousin was just a sad, mean, horrible person then it would be a lot easier to not let her hurt my self-esteem like she always has. I have no idea what to do.

Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to write a long, detailed reply!

For part 1: I really relate to what you said about teachers. Even though I will study for a specific class every day and know the material like the back of my hand, I felt that I was never noticed. Except, I would always see teachers praising students for hard work so it didn’t make sense. I also feel that it’s important to mention that there was a time in my life (beginning of high school) where I was making a lot of friends and developing social skills. So, I did have some amount of social skills before. However, I retreated back in my shell when people began to judge me and I started to feel weird. Being shy really has drawbacks and I’ve experienced a lot of them.

Part 2: That summary is accurate. Overall, I feel upset because I was busy and lost touch with my friend, but she didn’t really seem to notice or care. However, whenever I do talk to her, she treats me the same as always, so I can’t tell if I’m overreacting. We talk like normal whenever we talk again. I’m just confused.

Part 3: That does make a lot of sense. It has been difficult for me to understand why my cousin would want to hurt me, but I also noticed that during the times my cousin is really happy, she is not mean at all. Whenever she is happy and something really good is happening in her life, she never puts me down. I think noticing that has helped me understand that she tries to hurt me out of her own pain.

It is also difficult for me to understand that my cousin would flirt with my first love to hurt me. I actually posted about that situation on multiple advice websites because I really was hurt, but I couldn’t talk about it with my boyfriend (for obvious reasons) or friends because they were there to witness it and I was embarrassed. There is something about being humiliated by my cousin in front of everyone that made me want to isolate myself. I know what she did wasn’t the worst thing ever, but it felt really hurtful and my friends could probably pick up on what she was doing too.

Someone on one of the other sites (I think Reddit) said I was being self-centered for caring about my first love and my cousin because the relationship was long over. He/she said I had no reason to be hurt because neither my cousin nor the guy should have to hide their attraction for each other. However, I think what hurt me wasn’t that my first love would flirt with my cousin (although I think that’s a slight slap in the face. It’s like if you were to break up with a guy and then he flirts with your sister in front of you. She basically is my sister, I don’t know it feels wrong), but it was that my cousin didn’t stop it.

She let it happen to the point where he was obviously touching her and telling her she’s beautiful when I was right there talking to both of them in a conversation. Me, her, him, and my few friends were in a conversation and it was so weird. Like, both that guy and my cousin were leading the conversation and then I blinked and he was touching her and telling her she’s so beautiful.

I didn’t know if I was coming to this specific conclusion because I was hurt or if this is really what happened, but to me, it felt like my cousin was basking in the joy of him flirting with her. I felt like she was trying to pretend she didn’t understand why he was coming onto her so hard when in reality, she wasn’t stopping his obvious advances and was even slightly flirting back. It was a really complicated situation where I feel she was flirting with him before I came. I don’t mean to ramble about the situation, but for some reason, it’s still very hard for me to process. I just try to write my thoughts so I can organize them and understand them.

I felt that she wanted me to see him flirting with her so I would think that men think she is more desirable. I feel that that is just how she is. She uses men as proof that she is desirable, and I could somewhat tell, but it hurt because she knew what that guy meant to me. At the time, I didn’t know if I was getting those signals because I was jealous/hurt/confused or if it was actually what she was doing based on how close we are and how well I know her. But to me, it makes sense that she wanted to hurt me when I think it through. I felt so hurt on that day, I felt so alone and felt like she didn’t care.

It also is more clear to me now that she wanted to hurt me when she said my nose is big. It makes me so upset though because I went through all this pain because I truly believed my nose was a problem because of her. I don’t mean to be rude when I say this, but something I also noticed is that my cousin will praise girls who have bigger noises than me. She will say, “I want to look like her,” but she won’t say they need a nose job. I used to wonder if I’m blinde and my nose is actually bigger than theirs because there must be some reason why she says I need a nose job and they don’t. Right now, I am at a point where I don’t care if my nose is bigger than theirs or not. It’s just very confusing because I care about her opinion still. I want her to accept me, you know? I guess I have to work on that.

Something that I also thought I should mention is that I’ve been trying to pay attention to things that truly make me happy. And those include singing, dancing, movies, tv shows, cooking, taking care of myself, etc. I don’t have a problem with cooking, doing self-care, exercising, and all-around taking care of myself because I do that all the time. However, I’ve always been too shy to sing and dance. I always wanted to do it, but now that my confidence is slightlyyyy improving, I’m thinking about trying it out (in private though). I just wanted to know what your thoughts on that are. I am hoping that if I do things I like, my confidence will grow.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Katie.