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I was raped repeatedly by an ex-boyfriend. I want justice for myself

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  • #375744
    Katie
    Participant

    I just want to give a shout-out to anita who I noticed is still on this site. Thank you for helping me so much in the past.

    I was repeatedly raped by an ex-boyfriend, I made many posts on this website during this time in my life. I have been in therapy and I realized a lot.
    I recently saw a woman who got proof of her rape years later, in fact, she got him convicted years later. This gives me hope as my rapes happened years ago and I thought it was a lost cause.
    I know I can get him to admit it, heck, I can probably get him to attempt to rape me again if I simply started hanging out with him again. I know I can get proof, and I have screenshots of old text messages where he basically is trying to coerce me into performing certain sexual acts.
    I want to do it so bad, but I’m scared.
    1) what if he abuses me again after I go after him
    2) he is pretty well known in my hometown and my family knows his family, I used to be friends with his sister
    3) I have hidden this from my parents because I know they wouldn’t be of much help. I just don’t want them to find out and I know they would
    4) what if the evidence isn’t enough to get him convicted
    5) what if he gets convicted, and then my whole town turns on me. I know I would get so much hate from people I know.

    Help ๐Ÿ™ seeing other victims get justice years later makes me want to get justice for myself but there are so many obstacles in the way I know I can’t. He is dating a new girl and I know he is abusing her. I feel so disgusting inside knowing he did this to me and I didn’t do anything about it, allowing him o do it to others. I’m so torn and heartbroken.

    • This topic was modified 2 months ago by Katie.
    • This topic was modified 2 months ago by Katie.
    • This topic was modified 2 months ago by Katie.
    #375774
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katie:

    Welcome back, Katie! Last I read from you was on March 18, 2020- ten days less than a year ago. You started 58 threads here, first on December 2017 (you are welcome to start as many threads as you would like).

    You started posting Dec 2017 when you were a senior in high school. You wrote at the time about your first boyfriend: “we have been dating for 2 years.. he is in college and I am in high school”. I believe it was your first boyfriend that you referred to back in March 2020, when you wrote: “I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years with my ex boyfriend. I trusted him when he was actually abusing me”, so the relationship lasted from 2015-2018 (?)

    I didn’t know until today- that he raped you. I am very sorry to read that you were raped. I hope you talked about it in the therapy you had (and still have?)

    As far as wanting justice for yourself, I suggest that you consult an attorney in the city/ state where the rapes occurred and take it from there. This is a legal issue and going about it the legal route is the way to go about it.

    anita

    #375810
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you, and yes, you got everything right: I am referring to the abusive ex that I wrote about in March 2020 and I did date him from 2015-2018. We started dating when I was 15.

    I have talked about it with my therapist, which is the only reason I am able to admit that it happened. For years I kept it a secret.

    I think I might get an attorney, even if I don’t have any evidence right now I want to go over my options.

    It’s been around 2-3 years since I broke up with him. I thought I would be over the trauma of the relationship by now, but I feel that I am only now able to be honest with myself about what happened (the emotional abuse, the sexual abuse, the digital abuse, the verbal abuse, etc.). Because I am only now processing my trauma, I feel like I am still at one of my lowest points brought on by that relationship. I get a lot of flashbacks and I am triggered a lot. On the bright side, I think a lot of my suffering from the past 2-6 years (body dysmorphia, eating disorder, anxiety, depression) has lessened a lot. I have always struggled with those things, but they seemed to get worse the more I ran away from my trauma. Now, I suffer more from PTSD, even though I still suffer, although less, from those other things.

    Last night was the first time I even thought about getting justice for myself, and it wasn’t even until around 3 years after the relationship ended, which I think shows how much time it took me to actually begin processing the abuse.

    I wish that I could just fast forward to the point when I no longer get flashbacks, I feel like I got justice, and my mental health improves.

    #375811
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Also, to add to my last post, I just reread some of my threads. I feel like I was a completely different person. I used to talk about him in a way that just did not describe him fully. I described him as “he isn’t that controlling” or “he is only a little manipulative.” However, I think I actively repressed so much of the abuse that I convinced myself it wasn’t as bad as it was. EDMR therapy has helped me uncover a lot of the repressed memories. One of the most traumatic memories for me was when he would keep me locked in his bedroom for days at a time while he was at work during the summer. He did this so I wouldn’t hang out with my friends behind his back. This was part of the reason why it was so easy for me to starve myself during this time. I would be in his room without food or water for hours. I think the only thing he kept in his room was a pack of gaterade.

    Another memory was when he would force me to cut contact with all my friends. He made me block so many close friends until I only had about 3 left. Luckily, I have since rekindled a lot of the old friendships I used to have.

    There are a few more memories that I am still too afraid to talk about.

    Sorry for the long messages, I think I am just realizing how much I downplayed the abuse in my old posts. I tried to believe everything was fine, but it wasn’t.

    #375820
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katie:

    You are welcome. I am glad that you are finally aware that your ex-boyfriend of three years raped you, on top of abusing you in other ways. What you shared about him in this March 2021 thread fits with what you shared about him in past threads. For example, on December 20, 2017, you shared about him: “He looks at my phone all the time… he ALWAYS finds something to get upset about.. He also gets extremely jealous.. he’d say ‘well I know you guys used to text. What did you talk about with him. You talk to boys don’t you’… he doesn’t like my friends.. he does not want me friends with them.. I used to distance myself from my friends because of it”.

    In January 7, 2018, you shared: “I was a past straight-A-student.. I used to be captain of a club, was on speech and debate, did community service… I stopped doing all that so I could focus on… my boyfriend. I wanted to make our relationship good and healthy… We always fought, were on and off, horrible. I promised to dedicate my senior year of high school to fixing our relationship…ย  I told him.. ‘I am not going to have this horrible, unhealthy relationship in 2018…’ he begged me and I took him back and HE CHANGED. He changed a little.. Then today.. it all went down. He saw something in my phone.. and flipped.. ”

    In April 21, 2018, you shared: “He kept getting mad at me for dumb things. He wanted me to sleepover his house but I said no because I had school the next day. He got so mad at me and threatened to break up saying ‘if you loved me you’d sleep in my bed tonight’.. Then last night.. he accused me of being with a guy.. Then yesterday I went to hangย  out with my friends and he got so mad”.

    * As to where were the parents of a high school student who was “locked in (the boyfriend’s) bedroom for days at a time while he was at work during the summer”, the answer is in your August 1, 2018 post: “Basically, my parents have been very uninvolved in my life. My dad has a very high position in a company so he is always working.. I am not close with him. My mom is home all the time but she deals with a lot of problems such as depression and anxiety… Neither of my parents have been around to guide me or my siblings. I always knew this but didn’t think it was a big deal… I’ve always let my boyfriend walk over me and never had the strength to break up with him. I believe some of that can be explained by the lack of guidance and lack of support my parents provided me… I just go with the flow when with most people. I am always unsure of myself and never take charge”-

    – It all makes sense to me, Katie. I think that you seeing an attorney is a good idea, so that you can become aware of your legal options. If your attorney thinks it is useful, you can make a timeline of the three year relationship: what happened when. You can use the information you shared in your threads to put together such a timeline.

    anita

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