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JayJay

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Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 144 total)
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  • March 3, 2019 at 5:20 am in reply to: Do artist make art because they believe in something? #282601
    JayJay
    Participant

    Creating art for the sheer joy of creating something, and that something has come from inside yourself. Even if you copy someone else’s art, you still put a bit of yourself in there….unless it’s a direct copy or tracing!

    I make art because I enjoy the process. A lot of the time, I don’t even know how it’s going to turn out, or even if it will end up in the trash, but I enjoy doing it. I enjoy the journey and the creation of something from inside myself. If it turns out well, I’m pleased. If it doesn’t, well, nothing tried and nothing learned!

    When I’m feeling stuck, I get the most vivid colours I can find and splash them about!  Whether I want to or not, I just start. I call it ‘colour therapy’ and it just makes me happy to see bright colours splashed on a canvas.

     

    Or I go on YouTube and watch others creating art, it rekindles my own need to create.

    I create art for myself, primarily.

    The sales will come later, as others will see what you put in there… it will resonate with someone at some point, and will sell if it’s meant to. Just don’t worry about it!

    I hope this is some help to you.

    JJ.

    March 3, 2019 at 3:49 am in reply to: Still refusing to let go. #282591
    JayJay
    Participant

    I agree with Anita’s reply above…

    I’m now one year on, still drinking, still obsessing and still holding onto the short straws he gives.

    Nooooo don’t do that!  It’s hard to let go, but respect yourself. Give yourself a big pat on the back for getting out of there. And more pats for keeping it up and trying hard to build yourself a new life.

    Keep on with those good steps, you are getting somewhere.

    There is only one way to get out of a relationship with a narcissist, and that is to go no contact. Don’t accept short straws any longer. You are worth more than that. He doesn’t deserve your attention, but that’s what a narcissist does… keeps you hoping that one day he’ll change, one day he’ll need you, and so on and so on. Don’t play his childish games. He doesn’t see you as a person, you mean nothing to him, unless he can use you in some way to bolster up his underdeveloped sense of self.

     

    best wishes,

    Jay x

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by JayJay.
    March 3, 2019 at 3:06 am in reply to: Made a mistake #282587
    JayJay
    Participant

    Why be anxious about calling someone out on their behaviour? Whether it’s to that person directly or talking about them to someone else? Whether this person heard it or not, does it really matter that much? If he was calling you names and mocking you, then you don’t need to feel guilty or anxious about anything you said about him.

    March 3, 2019 at 2:41 am in reply to: Cheating (ex)Boyfriend – Save My Sanity #282585
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Lostcloud,

    You may not realise it, but you may have been in a relationship with a person with a personality disorder. The one that springs to mind is actually narcissistic personality disorder. Go and see what these kind of people do to others and what they are capable of. If it is that, then going no contact is the best gift you can give to yourself.

    Could be that he’s just a sex junkie. In which case, you need to respect yourself. It doesn’t sound like he deserves any respect at all. The current GF will soon find out he’s not capable of change, as you found out yourself.

    So go no contact. Delete him and GF from your social media and think on them no more. Ever. Period. I’ve done it – it’s very hard at first, but so liberating when you actually realise that you didn’t lose anything you really wanted to keep.

    Best wishes,

    jay

    April 17, 2017 at 7:16 am in reply to: Should I stay since we’ve been together for 7 year? #145447
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hello, Jeanette,

    Is this your first or only relationship? 7 years from 22 means that you have been together since you were around fifteen years old. At the time you started this relationship, you were a child. And then you moved in together for the last 1.5 years. I wonder if this relationship is right for you now you are an adult, and not a child anymore. People grow up, they change, they might not want the things they once did.

    You say he is not a bad person, and that he just wants you to be happy – even if that means you go, rather than stay. If you had chosen to go right back then, when you had the fight and the threatening behaviour, would he have said the same? Would he be happy about letting you leave if you decide to go right now? Remember he said this (if I am reading you rightly) in the past, when things were going well? You can always show someone the door and tell them to leave if they would be happier doing that when they don’t want to go, at that point in time.

    I agree with Malley on this one… I also think you should take a break from each other and see what life is like on your own.

    It sure is hard to step away from a seven year relationship, as you say. But if you do decide to stay, make sure that you are not staying simply because it’s the easiest choice, or simply because the relationship has become a habit, or because you feel guilty about upsetting the equilibrium. Make that choice for the right reason.

     

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by JayJay.
    April 17, 2017 at 6:59 am in reply to: How to let go and start over ? #145439
    JayJay
    Participant

    The only way forward, to my mind, is that you need to really forgive him for past events. That will take a lot of doing on your part, especially after 5 years of him cheating on you. No wonder you are upset and even though you try, you cannot stop berating him over things that happened in the past. That says to me that, even though you might say the words. ‘I forgave you for that’, your heart is saying you haven’t. Even if he won’t see a therapist, perhaps you could see one on your own and work through these negative feelings you have towards him that keep resurfacing.

    You say you ‘show your hatred towards him’ for these things and that you can’t help blaming him for everything that happened. If you can’t put that behind you and make a fresh start, then I seriously doubt that you should be with someone who initiates such feelings and which for you, are surfacing all the time.

    April 17, 2017 at 6:43 am in reply to: Depression- please help! #145425
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Alba,

    I’m sorry to hear you are in a spell of depression, but glad to hear you have a supportive family to help you though this.

    I have had periods of real depression too, and the meds helped a lot. I was told that I would probably need to be on them for over six months or longer before I saw any real difference, and that turned out to be true in my case. Having a counsellor/therapist also helped an awful lot.

    Hang on in there. Try this whenever those scary thoughts start coming. Just breathe. Concentrate on your breathing, hear the sound of the air going in and out of your lungs, feel them expand and contract, think totally about breathing. This might just push those thoughts away.

    Try to avoid any tv overload.. don’t watch violent or nasty movies or series. Try lighthearted stuff, like quiz shows, nature shows, light-hearted movies and so on, stay away from the scary stuff. And the same goes for any games you play on the pc or x-box for example.

    Get enough sleep! I know it’s hard when thoughts are crowding in… no internet- or pc-related activity for at least an hour before your normal bedtime, as this makes your brain active rather than going into a relaxed mode ready for rest.

    Physical exercise is good too. It releases those feel-good endorphines which chase away the blues all on their own. Try to get out for a walk for an hour every day, and have a good old dance to your favourite dance songs. It all helps to life the mood.

    I hope I have helped.

    Jay

    April 15, 2017 at 8:43 am in reply to: Difficult Situation #145233
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hello Curious Soul,

    I have to ask the question: Is this just simply a case of wanting to have the best of both worlds? A secure and comfortable relationship with your husband, and also the excitement of knowing another man is interested in you and you in him?

    Could this be a sort of ‘hedging your bets’ situation?  If your marriage fails, then you will always have your other male friend to turn to?  Friendship is one thing. A sexual relationship is a different ballgame, as you are thinking about having an affair with this other man.

    You haven’t told your husband about this situation and I don’t think you should. You obviously love him or you wouldn’t care about hurting him. He trusts you. You say he is your soulmate. If you went ahead and had the affair, and your husband found out, how would that make him/you feel?

    Yes, you say you love this other man, but I wonder if it’s a possessive kind of love. You don’t want anyone else to marry him or have a relationship with him. That, to my mind, is not a true friendship, it’s more of an ownership. With a true friendship, you would want to see him happy, even if that did mean he was married to someone else and had less time to be your special friend. You don’t want to let him go.

    I wonder if your wanting a sexual relationship with him is a natural conclusion to a situation which has been developing for years, or whether you are wanting to go that step further just to keep him by your side.

    April 14, 2017 at 9:10 am in reply to: How to get over this? #145047
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I agree with all you say above. Yes, it’s a done deal!  And I am better for making that decision. Thanks for you time and patience with me. Yes, this attitude of ‘stiff upper lip’ is the British things to do… not necessarily the wisest or best thing to do – for yourself.

    * Thank you. I always hesitate about giving replies to others on their threads, but if I think I can help then I try. I’m glad you think me sensible and wise, I think Life teaches you a lot, and some situations with others touch me as I have been there myself.  I’m nearly 60 now and have been through an awful lot of life! 🙂

    I think we might close on this particular subject now. After a lot of time and support from my friends and family, and of course your own and others’ help on here, I think I shall be ok with this one now, but I couldn’t have done it without your take on this one., so thank you once again.

    April 14, 2017 at 6:26 am in reply to: How to get over this? #145033
    JayJay
    Participant

    Here’s what I said in an email to my other friend, who had suggested being nice to them:

    I simply don’t care about either of them anymore. Like you said, they didn’t care enough about me to not to betray and hurt me in the first place.

    So I think I’ve answered my own question here! I don’t care anymore. So why should I even acknowledge them with a ‘hi and a wave, and an ‘everything is fine in my garden, so there!’ I no longer care what they think, even if they think I’m being rude not to even speak to them. They are both ‘persona non grata’ to me now. Nothing. Nobodies. You don’t speak to nothing, you don’t speak to people you don’t know either. It turned out I didn’t know either of them.

    So I will simply ignore them, should we ever meet again. You are right, Anita. 🙂

    April 14, 2017 at 3:48 am in reply to: Difficult Situation #145029
    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear curious soul,

    Could it be that you are just bored with your marriage that there is this tug towards a physical relationship with your other friend? Once you go for that physical side of things with this man, you can never go back to just being friends. If ‘everything is fine’ between yourself and your husband, then I think this other is more of a ‘forbidden fruits’ type of relationship. One you want but can’t have, which makes it all the more desirable!

    Is this lust, or love? The two are quite often confused.

    April 14, 2017 at 3:34 am in reply to: He Withdraw after divorce from his BDP wife #145027
    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Jesss,

    Divorce is horrible, hateful. He has no choice but to put his children first, everything else will come second to that. He is a good father, there’s no doubt of that.  And because he doesn’t get to see them as often, and their mother is BDP, it must be a very pressured and worrying time for him. I think he may be so overwhelmed by these events that he feels there is no room for anything else in his life right now and that is why he is withdrawing from you. Perhaps he sees you as one less thing to worry about if your relationship with him is ‘off’. Think of him as a juggler, juggling balls, and trying to keep them all up the air without dropping one on the floor. In that sense, you are the ball he wants to drop for a while, so as to keep the others up there in the air a bit more easily.

    If it was me in this situation, I would be keeping in touch, but with no demands, just a simple ‘hello, how are you?’ in a friendly but not intimate manner. And I would be getting on with my own life as if I were single again. I wouldn’t be suggesting traveling to him either, as he would be unable to be too far away from his children right now to enjoy a vacation. It’s very human to want to help someone in this situation, but it seems to me from your post that he doesn’t want your help with his depression (which I think is probably just the overwhelming aspects of the divorce). It might be that he never gets back to you. It might be that he will get back to you at some point in the future. Either way, I think that it would be good for you to put this relationship to one side for now, as that seems to be what he wants you to do.

    I hope I have been of some help.

    Jay

    April 14, 2017 at 2:59 am in reply to: How to get over this? #145025
    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Anita – yes, I think the ‘be assertive – to thine own self be true’ works best for me! The ‘grin and bear it without complaint’ and the ‘stiff upper lip’ attitude is peculiarly English, I think. Many of the soldiers in WW2 never spoke about their experiences and went to the grave without discussing them with anyone, but they must have carried the weight of it on their shoulders all their lives. They were not offered counselling (I don’t think there was even such a thing back then) and were told not to discuss what they had seen and been through with anyone, even their own families. It must have been so hard for them.

    I wonder if it’s just ‘heartbreak’ that makes me not want to sing. The heartbreak of this betrayal, the heartbreak of my mother having a stroke, the heartbreak of the family over the death of my nephew – and my sister’s dreadful heartbreak. The last six months of last year were really hard to deal with. It’s a new year now though, and I feel I should be making some effort to get over this and get on with my life now. That decision is mine alone, I am the only one stopping me from singing!

    April 13, 2017 at 8:20 am in reply to: How to get over this? #144875
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi again!

     

    Yes, it could well be what you say. Plus, I met J. at a local singer’s night as well. We spent a lot of time at my house over that 9 months last year simply jamming along, and we even wrote a song together.

    Although I wouldn’t have thought about this association creating such a block, perhaps you are right. I have been singing and playing since the age of 14, I was singing and playing long before I met either of them.

    I think I was seeing it as more of a slight depression, you don’t feel like singing when you are feeling down, and yet, that is usually one of the ways I lift myself out of that sort of mood!

    Another friend also thinks that I should just smile and be nice! I’m beginning to wonder if this is just the culture of my country, a ‘grin and bear it’ attitude from the UK!!

    April 12, 2017 at 1:29 am in reply to: Do I leave my partner to travel #144689
    JayJay
    Participant

    I agree with Anita. If it’s a shortened trip, then go. If he’s not there when you get back, then he was never meant to be the one and only. Six to eight weeks isn’t a long time to be away from someone.

    However… You say you have now got a handle on what you want to do as a career. You could concentrate on building that aspect of your life up, as it can only help in the future, whether you stay in the UK or go to another country. As you say, you can keep the money saved for a future trip anyway.

     

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