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Inky

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Viewing 15 posts - 616 through 630 (of 2,508 total)
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  • May 19, 2018 at 7:21 am in reply to: How to be a good mother at this stage #208203
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Airene,

    At this age range the “kids” can still be utterly selfish. Even more than teenagers sometime, it’s All About Them, only the stakes are higher. They are either in school, working, getting married and/or moving. Maybe when they are more than half your age or have children of their own will they “get” you.

    I would call/visit once a month. No more, no less. Give them a chance to miss you. LET them feel the indignity of you having your own life. They will begrudgingly respect you in the end.

    Best,

    Inky

    May 18, 2018 at 5:13 am in reply to: My Boyfriend Is Lost #208031
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi LittleWren,

    It’s a shame you own a house with him, because now you are “stuck”. It’s actually easier to support a depressed person if you have your own place to regroup and recharge.

    Spirituality might be the thing for him. Whether it’s church or a meditation group, it will let him at least temporarily give him relief from his own mind. Your Purpose is simply what you decide. Some people have no mission in life and are totally happy.

    As for the non-life threatening disease, what finer purpose than for him to support others with the same condition? When people reach out to him for help on a blog or forum (that he possibly creates himself), he will be galvanized!

    Best,

    Inky

    May 17, 2018 at 11:32 am in reply to: Together but still confused #207977
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Mathilde-S,

    He is also at Uni, and therefore is quite young. He literally doesn’t know how to “do” relationships yet.

    He is also paid for being gorgeous. When you are that good looking, you don’t have to work for a connection, I’m afraid. If you were abducted by aliens, he could theoretically walk into a crowded room and get anyone he wants.

    I know the trap: You want him to text you, but you can’t say so because you want it to come from him.

    This is scary, but what if you don’t text him anymore? What if you let HIM do the initial texting, calling and planning?

    That is my advice.

    My other piece of advice is you should be happy that he is so involved in his own things. That’s what makes him interesting! What if you got into your own things with that kind of focus as well? Hint: That’s why you haven’t texted this week! 😉

    Best,

    Inky

    May 15, 2018 at 5:20 am in reply to: Advise on Moving on Without Resentment #207431
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Anna,

    It stings because he was the one to feel lukewarm first.

    This is what will (eventually) happen: As the months/seasons go by, you will see him or see pictures of him, and you will realize that he’s not that great. THAT you will resent. You will be embarrassed at yourself. There will be an element of “HE dumped ME?  Is he nuts?”

    On the flip side, this summer, he SHOULD see you. Once. You will be in a (new) sun dress with shades, laughing. A cute date by your side will be even better. And then, and then… he won’t see you again for the rest of the summer. One time in late July your mutual friends will gladly tell him you will be there soon, soon, don’t worry, old boyfriend….. but no, sorry, you and Andre forgot you have the hiking group/concert/Burning Man/wedding. Maybe Labor Day??

    Anyway, that’s what will happen.

    His loss, which he WILL feel keenly, I promise.

    Inky

    May 14, 2018 at 7:56 am in reply to: Relationship with self #207217
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lemon07,

    When we are adults we don’t have a safety net of parental/caring figures looking after us. It’s worse when we’ve NEVER had that feeling of safety. I think the core issue is you need to feel safe. You are actually loving yourself by protecting yourself, misguided as it is. Even checking the ex’s social media is safe because there’s comfort in the habitual.

    Best,

    Inky

    May 13, 2018 at 8:10 am in reply to: Jealousy is destroying my life, really needed some advice.. #207099
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Belle,

    The reason you were entangled with these men is because you were vulnerable. These guys can smell vulnerability a mile away. And to work with you? The temptation was too great.

    It’s interesting that you are more upset by the sad, insecure middle aged guy than you are about Kyle who had a secret family and who you had an abortion for. I think it’s simply easier to be mad at Jason than at Kyle. You can’t deal with the Abortion Trauma yet. Not to mention the past Abuse from others.

    I say, if it’s possible, QUIT this job as soon as you find another. Ghost these guys. They are not worthy of you. Don’t even mention them again. And start over. Forgive yourself. We were ALL young and foolish once. You are older and wiser now. Never mix business with romance again.

    Best,

    Inky

    May 11, 2018 at 5:28 am in reply to: Perfectionism is getting the better of me #206881
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Rohail,

    At least you are doing something, you are helping your family.

    What I would do is, since you are already at the mall, to get a job there. Hear me out: You have the luxury now to scope out all the stores that are hiring and quietly check out the people who WOULD be your supervisor. You will want someone young and super nice.

    You are a different person than you were when you were younger. You are a grown man now. People who don’t know you will instinctively listen to EVERYTHING you have to say. It’s a grown up world now, and you are one of them. It’s all good.

    Best,

    Inky

    May 10, 2018 at 4:38 am in reply to: On the Brink of homelessness #206593
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Selena,

    Look at your family tree two generations up and two generations down. I’m sure there’s a cousin, in-law, or, yes, even your own mother that will take you in. You can even literally show up at your dad’s door. What’s he going to do? Not let you in if only for a glass of water or to use his bathroom? Sleep in your car in his driveway. He will take you in if only so the neighbors don’t gossip about him.

    Make a list of twelve friends or old friends of the family. Couch surf there, on a rotating basis, so they will always be glad to have you.

    Churches also sometimes have transitional apartments available. Go to a pastor and they can try to help you out.

    And count yourself lucky: You have your car! A luxury thousands of people wish they had! Now would the very best time to start living comfortably in your car, late spring. You have several months where you will literally be FINE sleeping there if you had to. Don’t worry about that part. I know it’s scary, but it won’t be intolerable.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
    May 9, 2018 at 5:40 am in reply to: sister sister #206467
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Vanessa,

    This may be hard to believe but your sister being cruel is an indicator of GUILT. Yes, guilt. She knows very well that you took care of her son, that she owes you money, that she’s a slob and that the boyfriend doesn’t look good on paper. It eats at her that you gave her a huge blessing of insisting that she move into your home. And that she blew it. And that you had to kick her out.

    Your sister is feeling shame. She is feeling guilt. Her only defense? Act meanly to put you in your place so you two are on an equal footing at last!

    My suggestion is that you take a break from family gatherings for a year. Next year arrive late, leave early, and be surface-y polite with your sister. Hopefully by year two or three she will have another boyfriend or the bad habit of bad mouthing you in your hearing will be broken.

    As for holidays, have them at YOUR house. The sister won’t show up, and if she does, she is more likely to hold her tongue as ONCE AGAIN, she is on your turf, and will be reminded of the situation SHE put herself in. If she says something she will look really bad as you’re the host.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
    May 8, 2018 at 5:36 am in reply to: Best friend is about to have a brain surgery #206093
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Eve,

    Is it possible to go visit her? If you do, the point is to be a help, and not a burden. Hold her hand through the procedure (sometimes the patient is actually conscious for this), stay in a hotel and be her support system at home.

    If you can’t leave, you can send care packages to her. Care packages to her friends and family at home would be wonderful too. You can also see what services the hospital has and give her a gift that way. Some cancer centers have gift shops (head scarves) and even Reiki treatments.

    It may not seem like you’re doing much, but these small things are actually immeasurable.

    And if you do lose her (lost my dad in a cancer center), at least for me, you almost feel like they’re still around. On a spiritual level, they are.

    If you don’t hear from her online as much, don’t freak out. Sometimes no news is good news. She might simply be resting and recovering.

    I agree with communicating with a contact person.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    May 6, 2018 at 12:15 pm in reply to: Weird situation with an old flame #205819
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Grace,

    It reads to me like this boy will always be slightly behind you. Not enough to be a deal breaker, but enough to be annoying.

    The rose was a gesture that he misses you and is thinking about you. You don’t have to DO anything, just accept the gift.

    Best,

    Inky

    May 3, 2018 at 5:20 am in reply to: Silent Treatment from my partner #205401
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Juna,

    Dating a man with kids is usually a bad idea. Not to mention that he has so many kids in his eyes that he hid the existence of one of them (!).

    If he thinks giving you the silent treatment will be a sort of training exercise for you to behave, DUMP HIM.

    The best part? You don’t even have to tell him he’s been dumped. Simply not return his (eventual and inevitable) calls, texts and emails. He will be in the limbo land of non-communication himself. “Are we together or not?” If he writes back that it’s over (this is about Control), you write back the exact date and time you dumped him but he didn’t know it.

    Best,

    Inky

    May 2, 2018 at 4:49 am in reply to: My boyfriend has a muuuch higher income than me. #205211
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Meow Anna,

    You and he cannot put 50/50 into the House Account or for you to go Dutch if he is making so much more than you. It doesn’t make sense! Why don’t you simply put less into the house account and more into your personal account? The bills will still get paid and you have enough for things you want and for a rainy day.

    I also suggest you move. He will be shocked, but it will be the wake up call he needs to talk about the financial situation. This way you will also see each other and he won’t take you for granted. You will actually enjoy your time with him more after the initial upset.

    Lastly, are you thinking about marriage? If you are, then you REALLY need to sit down with him and talk about this, preferably with a financial advisor. He will tell you what other couples do in this situation.

    Best,

    Inky

    May 1, 2018 at 4:33 am in reply to: should i follow them?? #205027
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi cranberry,

    I wouldn’t follow him on Instagram (or anywhere) for at least a year after your last contact. So if you spoke with him in December, wait until January of next year. Otherwise he will think you are still interested in him or he will still be thinking of you as “recent ex, use caution!” in his mind.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    April 30, 2018 at 10:22 am in reply to: INTROVERT AT HEART STEP OUT COMFORT ZONE #204941
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Peaches,

    Introversion isn’t a phase, it is a personality trait. It is who we are, like if we have dark hair and green eyes. Sure, we can dye our hair blonde and put blue contact lenses on, but we will always have dark hair and green eyes. Meaning, yes, you can absolutely LEARN to be the life of the party, and how to work a room, but deep down, you will always be an introvert.

    All that means is we get our energy when we are alone. An extrovert gets his energy from the group. We have anxiety when we are in a group. Others have anxiety when they are alone. I would rather be an introvert. Because spoiler alert: in the end we are really all alone.

    Sizing up the crowd is actually a GOOD trait to have. Why apologize for it?

    Best,

    Inky

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