Hi Felix,

Nothing is sexier than a Man with a Mission! I know you live in LA, but when women see you volunteering to help kids or take care of puppies, you will be irresistible! Also join a religious or spiritual organization. They do a lot of things in the community, and you will meet other non-superficial people. You may not go out with them but they will definitely help set you up if they know you’re looking.

Surely there are other divorced forty year old guys temporarily in debt out there. I don’t know why you think you’re perceived as a misogynist. If you don’t open your mouth and talk that way they don’t know what you’re thinking, after all. And if they expect you to be rich (and thus pay for everything) aren’t they buying into The Patriarchy, what you infer that they hate? I don’t know, as I’ve never been to LA, but it seems you are trapped by your own mental constructs.

Just remember this Simpson cartoon from when they went to Denmark:

Hot Danish Guy: In my country I’m a Four.

Homer Simpson: In my country I’m a Nine.

You are probably fine!

Inky

Hi Rewati,

Your friend and your husband are having an emotional affair. Yet it is somehow your problem that you are not OK with it!

Listen, I get it. Some people get along like a house on fire.

What I would do is plan a dozen outings that’s JUST you and your husband. Season tickets to a playhouse or sporting event are great.

Meet with the friend group about half the time (season tickets will help with this!). Invite other people into the mix.  Every. Time. When they talk amongst themselves YOU talk to some interesting NEW guy you invite into the group. Even if she is talking to someone new, Your husband should suddenly and instinctively remember how awesome you are and that you two were the original house on fire!

Let me tell you, sometimes all it takes to renew interest is to wear a happy new outfit, get a new hairstyle, nails done, and walk around the house singing happily to yourself as if you had a secret. Decorate the house a little, come back from a massage. SINGING, remember!  He will be all, “What is she so happy about??” (I’m just happy to be with you, honey! you’ll chirp.) It will drive him nuts! And give him something new to think about! YOU!

Don’t mention this issue to them again, either. You’re the one with a happy secret, after all!

Good Luck,

Inky

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Inky.

Hi Hailie,

This is something a friend did that worked (for a pal being 100K/10 years behind on taxes, but same idea). You may call it tattling, you may call it none of your business. What you could do is CALL HIS PARENTS (!)

Yes, he is an adult. Yes, it can be seen as  out of line. BUT if you and his friends are genuinely concerned for him about self-harm and clinical depression, it is time to give THE FAMILY a heads up!

Tell his ‘rent what you just told us (maybe leave out the Tinder). They don’t even have to relay the information or that it was you. But they CAN say, “Son, face the facts. We’re afraid you have clinical depression and we love you and it’s time to see a doctor. We know you and this is not you.” By his friends going to them they know that it is actually a real issue.

That this is serious.

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi Joe,

Her relationship with her family is nuts! Why can she not move closer? Does no one in the family feel guilty? Can you call each household yourself and implore them to visit HER? Can you flip the script and invite THEM to a holiday? Can the family meet at a restaurant or theme park an hour in the middle?

It sounds like she NEEDS her family by “taking care of them” even thought the family takes her for granted. This is because she doesn’t have children of her own, and, I agree to calm her anxiety.

I wonder what will ultimately happen when the parents are dead and the nieces and nephews are on their own and her siblings retire and move.

Yes, this is one of those things where you can either tell her, “This is not normal, goodbye” or accept her the way she is, neurosis and all.

Best,

Inky

Hi K,

Does the current boyfriend know you dated a professional athlete? That would be pretty intimidating (I would imagine). At any rate, don’t say that you’re thinking about him! Don’t zone out, either, when you are with your boyfriend. I know, it’s hard, the mind likes to wander where it will wander.

Well, the athlete got traded. That’s it, then. If the love was real, he could theoretically reconnect with you when he turns thirty and is moving onto his second career. Or you could dump the boyfriend and follow the team around or be a sports fiancée in waiting.

Just relish the memories. (Not on your dates, of course!)

Best,

Inky

Hi Regi,

I would leave her alone, and let her make the first (and last!) moves.

If you do want to say anything, you should flip the script and tell HER, “I would love to be in a relationship with you. Tell me when you’re starting treatment for your depression and we’ll see what happens”. Yes, it can come across as mildly patronizing, but it will jog her out of her passiveness. Her, “Oh, I’m going to blow Regi off about the camping trip because: depression!”

She doesn’t get to make all the decisions. You get to have boundaries too.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi dana,

Your feelings are TOTALLY normal! This guy was all, “I’m not ready for a relationship”. Then he had a quasi-relationship with you nonetheless. As soon as you verbalized it you made it REAL. Some men of the doltish variety don’t like REAL. If they do like real, THEY are the one who have to declare it REAL. Then the nerve of him declaring something else was REAL two weeks later. (Sounds like panic to me). And to top it off, she lives conveniently far away. (Sounds like he’s a coward.) And the clincher is it’s still going on!! (Kind of. Two hours apart, who can tell?? Once a week? Once a month? Once a season? They met twice?)

But don’t you see what’s happening? Dollars to donuts THAT isn’t a real relationship either. Two hours away. Doesn’t mention her on Facebook. Only posts food, not her face. Does she exist? Seriously. She might be fictitious. If not, she might be having the “where is this relationship going” talk.

I think you’re more angry with him than you love him. He was so lucky to have you! He blew it! BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW IT!

Be mad, sister! And every time you catch a glimpse of him again, I’m telling you, I promise you he will look SADDER and SADDER. Sad as in, you will be embarrassed that you ever fell for him.

Onward!

Inky

• This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Inky.