Hi Kate_Rae_1306,

To me this is a non-issue. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still there, but I call it a non-issue because you can’t DO anything about it. It is what it is. This is HIS family dynamic.

So he calls his mom everyday. That just shows that he’s a good son and that is the best indicator of how he’ll treat you (or any children) in the future. Yes, it’s excessive. Yes, it’s annoying. I get that. But the man has a great relationship with his mom. What a wonderful problem to have (considering other problems people can have)!

Of course you have an inkling you’re not her most favorite person. You are the main woman in his life! You are not her least favorite person either (you would know!), so you have that going for you.

Can you have him show his mom the joys of texting, social media and emojis? Can you have him NOT pick up the phone, say, on Sundays? That’s about the extent of your influence, I’m afraid.

As for the step-mother, have that be the first (and last) time you vent to her about the other side of the family.

Best,

Inky

My advice to you is to rewrite this with periods, capital letters at the beginning of the sentence, and paragraphs. I literally couldn’t read this giant block of a run-on sentence. I tried. I really did.

I will say that after you break up with someone a good rule of thumb is to wait a year before you contact them again.

Inky

Hi Athena,

If it makes you feel better, my husband’s cousin had wanted to write a parenting book and wanted to use MY children as examples/foils. Well, the book never got written, and twenty years later our kids are now a doctor, a captain, and a chess master. You can imagine the evil eye I get during family reunions. My rotten kids won! LOL!

It’s easy to second guess ourselves as parents. For me, looking back, I would ask my younger self, “What was up with all the fruit juice??” knowing NOW that constant fructose is bad for the teeth.

I had three kids relatively close together. The good news in that is they will have more of a bond with each other.

Say “NO” to your mom living with you permanently. A week here or a weekend there is fine. But once you give her “grandma’s room” let the dysfunction begin!

Other parents/people. NEVER apologize for you kids. They are “independent” and “spirited”. Let the gossiping hens talk. Their lives must be really small that they even think about other people’s children. When they ask about your kids simply say “They are great!” Brag about them a little. Practice the art of false modesty. Only admit they are occasional monsters to a trusted few close friends.

Lastly, it is time to un-spoil your kids. Say “NO” to them. A lot. Also have high expectations for them. They will revolt. They will cry. They will finally give in. Only when they respect you can the true bonding begin.

Best,

Inky

Hi Sheryl,

They are lucky you converted to Catholicism and agreed to a Catholic wedding. (btw, there are Buddhist Catholics). When it comes to weddings, it’s supposed to be the bride’s wedding, after all.

BUT! You HAVE to stand your ground. Invite your friends and relations to be other bridesmaids. So the sister gets upset. Reply, “And I’m OK with that”.

It’s high time she grew up. You do not want some college aged girl to run your life or be the moral dictator. You may very well be the first (but not the last!) person to put her in her place. Peacefully and quietly, by doing your own thing, but putting her in her place nevertheless.

The other thing you can do is to elope. Then you will be LEGALLY married (this will piss everyone off. But remember, you’re OK with that!). Then the Catholic wedding will be just a ceremony. This way the pressure’s off.

You are putting everyone in their place NOW, otherwise it will be murder if you have children later on. Can you imagine.

Best,

Inky

Hi Nellie,

Guys are great at compartmentalizing things. So if he parties, he’s going to party! When he’s sad, he’s sad (but probably in the privacy of his own room).

Also, there must be a big gap in his life where the relationship used to be. It looks like he’s merely trying to fill it up because he doesn’t know how to do that.

Best not to lurk on social media too much. I know it’s hard.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi VJ,

Your parents gave his parents a present they didn’t like and look how his mother reacted. Now imagine if you LIVED with her! NO. You cannot marry a man with a mother like this! The upset has nothing to do with the gift. It was an upset waiting to happen. It could have been anything that would set her off. This woman is nuts.

Guess what.. I prophesy that he will remain single forever because of her.

Let him cling to his mother. If you were Western I’d tell you to date other people. Since you are Indian, tell him that you are ready for your parents to look for other potential husbands for you. This will make him either come to his senses and commit to you or solidify his commitment to his original family.

Time for everyone to be free.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Inky.

Hi RAN,

Let’s say they’re willing to have an open marriage or the husband wouldn’t care if you hooked up with your first love. But for practicality’s sake, though, would you move across the world for that? Would she?

You could make a Grand Confession and see if the husband’s cool with the fantasy turning real, and if she’s up for it.

Of course you could be disappointed with the response you hear, but at least you’d know.

Blessings,

Inky