Hi Bun,

I have felt the seemingly “irrational” anxiety.

What I have done is to seek sanctuary in my routines. For the store I ALWAYS go to the same one at the same time when I KNOW I won’t run into people. I have my favorite and least favorite cashiers.

I also have pat answers and strategies for when people *shudder* TALK to me.

“How are you?” = “Good”/”Good how are you?”/”OMG, the weather! Am I right!?”

For the Uber, again, the routine. Get one at predictable times. Sing a certain calming song while waiting.

Become a pro at online shopping.

Have a set date to go with friends to shop, and get your hair done.

Sit in the back or in an aisle seat. If things get too much, go to the bathroom or the “I have to take this” phone call.

Get a counselor that specializes in anxiety when you can. And/or get strategies from the internet.

Also, people are NOT looking at you or judging. You know that intellectually, right? People are so freaking self-absorbed it’s crazy.

All the best,

Inky

Hi J,

Answer yourself the question: What if he DIDN’T love you? Honestly answer that. How would you cope? What would you do? Travel along that potential timeline.

You will see that a few years in, YOU WOULD BE FINE.

Your boyfriend wakes up one day and says to you, “I can’t do this.” Having traveled that potential timeline you would reply, with confidence, compassion and clarity, “I understand. I wish you well.”

Meditate on THAT. Now you can live fully and joyfully. And be irresistible, by the way.

Best,

Inky

P.S. Men at fifty go through the typical dramas of half-grown children and work. At 65 he’ll be fine. If you’re willing to wait that long.

Hi Mike,

Have I been to weddings! Even my own! Boy, are they FRAUGHT with background drama! Consider yourself lucky that it’s “just” with friends and not with family.

This is what I would do:

1. Tell him that you did NOT withhold information, that you asked both of them to be in the wedding party last year and they both said “YES”! Aside from the breakup, why would that change? Was he assuming that SHE would back out?

2. Broken up friends can’t make us “Choose” between them. New girlfriends can’t make us “Choose” between exes. Tell him you CHOSE both of them at your wedding party. If either one bails, tell him/her (I know this is hard): “Of course, I TOTALLY understand that this must be too much for you, and we’ll miss you and be thinking about you.”

Good Luck! Welcome to the World of Weddings!

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Inky.

Hi J,

I think we as a society are so “touch starved” and lack close relationships (lovers, friendships, family, etc.) that we will take ANYTHING.

One (possible???) way to keep this guy (if you’d even want to???) is to get him used to seeing you WITHOUT having sex. Maybe every other hookup something happens: you have a headache (so he has to take care of you), your friend has a crisis (so he gets to help be a hero in your world), you get drunk and fall asleep with your clothes on.

Meanwhile, convince yourself that you are, in fact, a catch. Go out on a lot of dates. Let this guy know you are dating other people but HE (lucky dog!) is the only one you are currently sleeping with! (Maybe he’ll get competitive when he sees flowers from another guy in your kitchen, etc.)

Get your hair and nails done. Get a massage. Play with the kittens at the animal shelter. This is so your body is not as touch starved.

Finally, visit your girlfriends and relatives THAT MATTER. Even if they live hundreds of miles away, visit them for that connection of Being Known.

Good Luck!

Inky

Hi limnikanimaria,

At best, he checks his account out of habit (the way I might mindlessly check FB every day, even though I never post). At worst, he is actively keeping his options open.

I would be brutally honest, but keep it as if you’re apologizing to HIM!

“I admit it, I was on Match, don’t kill me! I wasn’t actively checking anyone out, I SWEAR! But I saw you on there? Let’s close down these apps. The force of habit is too tempting!”

He might be open to doing that. A few months later you can check the app again, and if you THEN see him on there, you can legitimately say, “Dude….”

Best,

Inky

Hi Rose,

Let’s be honest here, the sex can’t be that good for all the crap he’s put you through. It CAN’T be!

I’m of the old fashioned opinion that if you want a torrid affair (single, separated, legally married, whatever) you have to Play the Game! He’s not playing the game! Listen to me: He has no game!

You need BEFORE you sleep with someone: Celebrated birthdays, introduction to his people, rides on his boat (REQUIRED) and no “Suddenly Single” statues on FaceBook (that really means that he wants to date other people).

I suggest that you Ghost him, and post on your social media over this year people celebrating your birthday, parties with handsome men, being on boats (ask people on the dock if they need a crew, most will be delighted!) and your own “Single” status on FaceBook swiftly followed by “In a Relationship”!

The longer you go without him and if the breakup (I mean ghosting) is YOUR decision, the easier it will be.

Remember, he’s not that great.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Inky.

Hi Ai,

Cultural traditions are very strong. It sounds like it was OK for him to be modern and independent when he was young, but now that he’s older…

It sounds like he wants you to break up.

Would he marry you if you said, “YES! In fact I will move across the world and have our children live in poverty if it means being with you!”..?

I suggest you cut bait and fairly immediately get in a serious relationship with a new person if you want kids.

Best,

Inky

Hi Nanda,

Yes, move! If you can move to your married sister or brother’s houses (away from your mom) that would be a wonderful start!

It’s interesting that your aunt of all people cared enough to stalk and threaten you. Take it as a good sign: YOU were succeeding just by being in college and she felt so threatened by it that she psychologically “forced” you to go back home!

Best,

Inky