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InkyParticipant
Hi Patricia,
Yes, I did go back as my kids were in the Quaker School. But, like the train analogy, there were other stations. We moved to the north of our town, so we naturally went more to a closer church. Then when I went back, all I could do was remember godmother/mentor/aunt. To make it worse, they spread her ashes at the Meeting House! So it’s more like visiting a gravesite to me ~ to remember her, not worship. It also represented a phase of my life, my 20’s and early 30’s. So I totally get the feeling!!
The tenants of Quakerism we carry inside us, anyway. My mom also was brought up by the Friends. Grandpapa was an Elder. Family history ~ after moving from PA, they found this Meeting House wasn’t Gwynedd (what is?) so Mom worshipped in her own way.
I recommend A Quaker Book of Wisdom if you can get a copy.
OK, Big SNIFF!! (I miss that woman!) Yes, and cry too, that helps!!
InkyParticipantBut I loved being on Hospitality because it involves bringing food, and there was a time buffer!
Guys sorry my posts are often and short, my computer on this site today, arg! Don’t like losing novel length posts!
Anyway, thank you Jasmine, Big Blue, etc.!
Reparenting Self, Flow, Win, Expansion, Service, We are One, etc.!
InkyParticipantLike, when I was asked to be on a committee involving Children and Youth, I literally could go to none of the meetings because, ironically, I have Children and Youth.
InkyParticipantI think I do a lot for my family and community as they are kind of my life.
If there are more or nobler things The Universe wants me to get involved with, I hope it shows up clearly enough for me to see it and I can be able to totally get into it!
InkyParticipantSingle parent with two kids who is organizing her own event?? George Clooney could be in the room and I honestly would never notice. Wait ten or twenty years when things calm down with this one.
InkyParticipantThe Ruminant ~ I am gently reparenting myself every day. My parents were great, but they weren’t Life Skills Teachers! LOL
Jasmine ~ So much wisdom!! Looking at others as me in another body. Having my Non-Negotiables. Having my plate half empty. Helping others. Flow. YES!!
Big Blue ~ The attempt alone is a triumph! Thank you for reminding me of that!!!
InkyParticipantHi Patricia,
The deaths are pretty recent. Dogs are harder to lose than cats (and I’m a cat person!).
Why don’t you try a new, different form of meditation? You would still be meditating, but in a different way. Like, Mantra Chanting, for example. Or guided meditations in the car or in nature?
What you could do is put a picture of Rook (the favorite, let’s be honest! lol) in a pendant, so he is with you when you want to meditate in your old way.
Getting new puppies is a great idea too!
I know the feeling of “It’s Just Not the Same”. I went to a Quaker meeting house for years and years. When my godmother/mentor/”aunt” who also went there died, I just Could. Not. Go. To. Service. There. Again. Be gentle with yourself. There are a hundred ways to meditate and be in nature if it’s too hard right now.
InkyParticipantAAARRGG, I wrote a long, gorgeous reply post to all of you, and my computer hiccupped and it was lost!!!!!
Thank you everyone, I will try to re-reply!!!
InkyParticipantMoongal is spot on with her advice.
And consider this:
Can you skip the last week of your internship for Medical reasons, and fly out to see him for a week, (meanwhile get your dentist, OBGYN checkup, physical and/or eye appointments done lol)! The tail end of internships everyone is wrapping up anyway. And you could at least spend a week with him!
Or, you guys could pick a cool destination at a halfway point, and it could be for a long weekend. If he’s saving up for a house and working, one weekend excursion shouldn’t make or break it forever!
Some people think they have to do A, B, and C before they can be with each other. Most of the times if you’re with each other A, B, and C will be waiting for you when you get back or will work themselves out!
I don’t know the details, but just thoughts!!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
InkyParticipantMy solution for weird feeling relationships is Impeccable Politeness. Not cold politeness. But the kind you show someone you just met.
“Hi, how are you?”
“Good.”“Can you do (whatever) for us?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t do that, but can I do this for you?”*blistering silence*
“Oh, Hi Niece, can I get you some iced tea?”A lot of their stuff is just that. *Their* Stuff. They can think what they like of you. But if you keep it short, sweet, and polite, they can never take offense in a true sense. Let it go, let it go, let it go! Repeat in head as needed.
If they overhear you praise them to other people, that can go a long way. Or, if you email to ask a question or send them fun things, that is proactive too. It will make them question their assumption that you look down on them. Totally optional.
But, you can also say, “I get overwhelmed”. “I’m bad with the phone.” “I’m not getting involved with DH’s relationships, he’s a big boy.” Whatever is closest to the truth of where you are. Again, optional.
Politeness, you can’t go wrong.
InkyParticipantHi Jobebee,
Usually I would have a light hearted response. Or even a spiritual response. But all I have to say is:
Move.
Please, for the love of God(dess)(es), Move.
You are not on audition to be his wife. You are his girlfriend. He wants to talk about roles? How about he should be wooing, courting, and being his best self trying to win you over. Not pick on you for his definition of “normal” sex and the dishes.
If he was unfaithful to you, he has no leg to stand on in any arguments about housework. Ever. And what crazy STDs could he have brought home?
I don’t care if he was the richest man in the world, the poorest, or if you were a super model or the fat woman in an old time circus. NO, this is NOT OK!
You are a student. That is your job. Arguing about “Roles” you do with a pre-marriage councilor. If you’ll have him. I wouldn’t.
I apologize to everyone for an “unskilled” response, I am so angry right now reading this.
InkyParticipantHi ThirdEyePoke,
I think you’re thinking too much LOL.
Everyone has “Issues”, but only if we “Think” about them. If your memory of the past was wiped clean, and you opened your eyes for the fist time, all you would see is a perfectly lovely girl looking back at you. Try to separate your “stuff” from your relationship.
True love is most like a parent doting on her beloved child. She stares at his beauty even though everyone might think he’s an ugly baby. She marvels at his genius even though he’s in the “Resource” Lab in the school’s gray basement. She devotes hours of her time lovingly making childhood scrapbooks filled with memories even though he has few friends.
That is what love is.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
InkyParticipantHi Zita,
Let’s say the mental box he had put you in was “This girl needs help”. If he’s the one helping, he must know what he’s doing, right?? LOL
Now, clearly, you don’t need help, but he has to be in the power position, so he texts to see how you “are”. Again, LOL.
Our Primal Selves always seek balance. You wanting to show him, “I don’t need you, numb chucks!” is just you instinctively seeking balance. In the reality, when you tell him or when he sees that, his common reaction will be to think, “Yeah, right!” to protect his mental status-quo. What he resists, persists, too! It goes both ways!
Mother Nature, Time, Karma, Dharma, common friends even down to FaceBook stalking will eventually, inexorably, put him in his place: Of no account in your reality.
Good for you for not replying!
Inky
May 21, 2014 at 4:24 am in reply to: I feel lost and I'm not sure what to do, or what is normal. #56760InkyParticipantHi Jobebee,
With your boyfriend, tbh, you might not be in the mood even if the abuse never happened! We women are a creature of moods, hormones, flow. This is why you love the Water Element so much. It’s who we are. It’s Us.
Anything that happened when we were children is never, ever, never our fault. But I hate the word “victim” only because of all the connotations associated with it. Children are divine expressions of Nature Herself. Things happen to us. We are placed in certain environments. We are pre-verbal. Any other small child would have experienced the same things growing up.
And, you are a survivor! My God, believe it! You are still here, aren’t you? Even to talk about it, write about it?
You are also not alone. Not by a long shot. The statistics on assaults and abuse of girls and women are shocking. Even here in developed countries. Even especially here in the US. When people hear or read your story, a third to a half is thinking, “Me too.”
A self or street defense class might be of interest to you. Now that you are an adult, this will help bring some of that confidence back.
All the blessings and love in the world,
Inky
InkyParticipantBrooke, if your boyfriend is as loving towards his family as that, then hopefully the apple doesn’t fall far from the common tree. That the brother will pay rent consistently and timely. But the reality is, that is not happening.
Just make sure that you are not committing financial suicide simply because your boyfriend is afraid to say “No” and the brother doesn’t mind taking advantage. If the Real World in your place is easier than the Real World Out There, then why wouldn’t he take advantage? I’m not saying the brother thinks that way, but look at his actions.
It sounds like staying at the mom’s is an option, and you wrote that now he has a job, correct? ~ so you’re not being selfish.
Once you take care of your basic needs (even if it’s alone), then you can more easily help others.
Best,
Inky
- This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
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