I always viewed it to mean that you should never let anything be your “raison d’etre”. Because all things eventually slip away or end. Then what do you have? And to enjoy doing things for the doing sake, not the getting/having sake. Pretty deep stuff. I’ve been wondering the same kind of questions off and on for years.

Oh God, Ruminant, I’ve had hints and whispers about being a kid’s guardian in a will ~ a huge honor ~ however, I had said gentle “NOs” like crazy (“What about the childless sister???”) ~ hopefully dodged a bullet and the parent lives to see the kids’ 18th/ birthday!!! And I’m Intuitive, so I know where things will lead (as can most people) ~ just follow that potential wave/trajectory, sister!! LOL

Big blue ~ My family is three generations removed from England, so mincemeat was lost to us on holidays. Dried fruit, spices, sometimes some meat ~ like a fruit cake but 100X better and edible! When our family was in our Waldorf phase you can be sure we made it once or twice, however!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.

LIVERWURST on Wonder Bread with a smear of mayo!!

One day my sister randomly opened up my fridge in my first house and started laughing ~ I had liverwurst, which our mom gave us all the time!! I don’t know if I could even find it now! If I do I’ll leave it in the fridge and see how the three teens do/react to it!

Blast from past!!

Thank you so much for starting this post, Big blue!

DH said something profound. That there are People Who Ask, and People Who Never Ask. So we were brought up in a community/households where you just don’t ask. But then you become friends with People Who Ask. And you don’t know how to say No because you yourself would never Ask. So you say Yes, you say Yes, you say Yes. Until you say No. Now most people would be OK with it, and they are. But some people are gobsmaked that you said NO! Even one! So they try to Bust your Boundary.

I hate manipulation and lies ~ however, I have said, “I’m busy” because the social fallout would be too epic if I told The Truth. I only do Epic for Family, $$$, Life itself and Death.

Short Version: Old Friend, her family and my family had been great pals for ten years. Old Friend (O.F.) divorces her husband. I meet his new girlfriend. I am “lying through omission” because I never mentioned the new GF. So over the next few years O.F. tries to fight with me that I never told her and that DH is still friends/work colleagues with ex husband. O.F. then becomes “Crazy”. She tries to cast doubt about me, her and my DH. I don’t take the bait. She tries to leave vast amounts of her crap in my house. I tell her that that’s not possible. She tries to manipulate. “That’s $200 in extra luggage! etc.” I say, “That’s OK.” She tries to visit. “That week’s not good.” She complains. I say, “I needed a break, and guess what that’s OK!” She tries to bait me again about my DH. I ignore. She finally yells, “I AM NOT AFTER YOUR HUSBAND!!” I look at her like she’s crazy. Because guess what? she’s “Crazy”. (For DH to have done anything, or to even admit to doing anything with her, vast quantities of alcohol would have to be involved.) Then there was FaceBook drama. Again, never took the bait.

So each sentence of the paragraph above is one soap opera episode worth of drama.

Basically setting boundaries, the best way, is saying your No’s as gently and calmly as possible with emotional detachment. And to remember that “No” is a complete sentence. “I’m busy” does work wonders. “I can’t do this but I can do that” works wonders too. And I can’t spend all my energy fighting. I have three kids, an ancient MIL, older parents. Sometimes you have to cast the BS loose.

But thanks for reading!!!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.

Hi The Ruminant,

I know. Honesty is the best policy. However, I was dealing with Crazy. It was “Get out Alive” and she was spoiling for a fight. Long story, might have to post soon about for mental sanity!!

Now that I’m past forty, I have little trouble saying “No.” When you don’t have an “excuse” there is social fallout. With my MIL (for a cousin-in-law’s grandchild’s far away baby shower type thing) I said, “Well, to be honest….. I just don’t want to!!” The sky threatened to fall. But she was too polite to say anything. The relatives were all a little chilly, but they will get over it.

Last month I said a stronger “NO” to a huge favor, and gave all the truthful reasons.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.