This is more for future reference: Do you really have Aspergers? If so, there is a book about loving someone with Aspergers. In fact, it is probably called Loving Someone with Aspergers. If you look for it you will find it. If she had that book, she may still have broken up with you, don’t get me wrong ~ but maybe she would have understood you better? I would get copies or resources like it for any future relationships/friendships so they “get you”.

Now ~ you are going through a mental breakdown. Can you see a therapist, call a mental health hotline or even check yourself into a facility?

After seven years everyone naturally changes, or begins anew on some level. If she is your soul mate, you will always have that connection, whether you are physically together or not. And remember, though this is hard to believe now: we have many soul mates. You were lucky enough to meet one. What a gift. Be grateful that it happened at all!

Get more support (off the internet!) and God Bless!

You cheating was a deal breaker. He can forever (even mentally) hang that over your head. So that part sucks.

The friend: I had two guys in love with me at the same time, and I’m not gonna lie ~ I loved every minute of it!! I really did! One was my partner, the other platonic, so it was, frankly, awesome. I stopped it, but why would he stop? His having a “harem” is the price you are paying for infidelity. Just the fact that he “confessed”, is your payback.

Also, if this is your best friend, it’s funny that you never talked about it. If you talk about it, are you afraid that it will somehow make it real? Exist? Give her power? Force his hand? She must know she has a part in a weird dynamic, and that she boldly talks to your fiancé as a best bro.

Can you tell her (gently) that you need more time with DH, and that, frankly, “It looks bad”, the two of them getting together and that “people talk”? Or, hey, you take up jogging and you need HER to get you in shape! If you join them or take her away one of the little bonds will be broken!

The wedding: Did you already send out the invitations? If not, then put him on marriage probation. No more best friend, no more criticisms. Make a love bank and put coins in for every kind word, every loving gesture. Take a coin out for best friend seeing, complaints, making you feel bad. See if there are any coins left six months from now and how many. That’s your answer. Yes, you can tell him you’re doing this. He can have one for you too, if he wants! Make it a competition who can fill up the other’s jar faster! 🙂 Trite, but powerful. We had a swear jar. One of the kids filled it up to the brink, and then suddenly stopped swearing!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Inky.

I would give serious thought to getting an annulment or divorce. I understand on some level that if you knew how sick he was in the beginning, that could be a deal breaker ~ and that is why he lied through omission. But by him doing that he made your decision for you/took away your true decision. And no intimacy? Please don’t beat yourself up for YOU lying to him. I agree that it was a response to unrelenting stress. And if you divorce, don’t consider it a failure. Just a lesson learned that you really, REALLY have to know someone and be on the same page to consider marriage. I wish your husband health, and you happiness!!

Two things:

1. Nine times out of ten, a real man won’t be with you unless he really WANTS to be with you!

2. If he’s younger and still playing the field, you should be able to pick up on that energy right away.

So which is it? Your insecurities from inside or you picking up that there is someone else in the wings?

It is probably you. But, banish the “I’m not good enough” thought as he will soon feel that energy as well. Who gave you the message in your past that you weren’t good enough? What trauma happened?

What can help is shutting down all media. For example, beauty: Who needs to see skinny beautiful girls with schlubby guys, or fashion mags with young teens impersonating gorgeous women? Or watching 50 hours of Netflix on the adventures of someone a size 00? Same with success.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Inky.

Hi

I love Matt’s advice if it were man to man. Unfortunately …

This guy is abusive!! And Dangerous!!

The third paragraph gave me chills. This is serious. Are you going to wait until you have infants and toddlers until you honor yourself with a safe place to live? Your husband, the man of the house, should deal with this. If he won’t, it is up to you to change the locks, get a restraining order and police protection while you move his things out. I’m not kidding.

After “sexually assaulted you” it doesn’t matter (not to mention threatened family, things he said) you should move and tell DH you will return when this “friend” is gone.

Or, rent a small apartment and kick DH and “friend” in there. It is worth first and last months rent to be safe in your own home.

Don’t worry ~ I’ve known several people who have been in your situation (without the abuse!) and the friends ALWAYS, very quickly! find another place to go! He’ll be fine.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Inky.

Use the Broken Record Technique, which is to say the same phrase over and over until you have the last word.

*Insult*

“There’s no reason to talk to me like that, you can speak to me respectfully.”

*Insult 2*

“There’s no reason to talk to me like that, you can speak to me respectfully.” (ETC.)

What will happen is:

1. They look stupid, to themselves and others

2. They will use insults to save face, but if you keep using the same sentence they are being gently reprimanded.

3. You’re telling them that their insult has no merit (“There’s no reason…”)

4. You’re telling them what to do and that you deserve respect (The last part)

5. They will either slink away, apologize, or have a tantrum.

6. By doing this you build up your inner Power and Dignity. You will also gain a great reputation in the community.

If I’m doing the math right, it’s been 5 years he’s been remarried. Thoughts:

1. Clearly, getting remarried a year after a divorce is in the realm of midlife crisis land.

2. Moving two doors down is on the surface being close to the children, but it is really putting their “happiness” in your face. It was a controlling move.

3. He may have “moved on”, but the honeymoon next door is probably over. They are now having their “damn dailies”, drudgery and routine.

4. Even if he had stayed single and moved across the country, after six years most people naturally move on into their new life.

5. Ditch the meds (with doc’s help), seek amazing therapy, sell your house and move (for a true new beginning) and see other people.

I tell The Universe, “I won.”

Then, when it’s finished having its little cosmic tantrum around me I say, “I still won.” With a wink and a smile. 😉 🙂

Basically have the attitude that even if everything falls apart, you will enjoy the ride anyway and that The Journey is all that, and that The Goal just determines how long the Awesome Ride will be.