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Hi buildingconfidence,
Usually in relationships the BF or DH will make a point of looking away or not saying anything when they see another girl. And when they’re not with you they will not flirt or lead someone on!
It is not YOU, sweetheart. You are normal. It is HIM!
He gets a kick out of how jealous you are over him and wants to playfully “keep you in your place” whenever he wants an ego boost.
Do you want to know what will happen if you gain confidence, lose weight, work out and/or dress up to look “more attractive”? This is what will happen: He is the one who will suddenly get insecure! When your “mate value” goes up you could get the choice of the bar. He will hate that, he may get mean to you and NOT want you to grow your hair long/put makeup on/etc.
Gain Confidence by Dating People who Build you Up,
Inky
Oh Leslie, I’m so sorry,
I love how he expects you to change, and then says that line, “Only if we both change”. What a creep. Can I say that? If you truthfully look back on the past year with him, I bet you could see how he would act like a judgmental/self-satisfied/and/or little brat.
I did have the experience in college of being broken up with where one day I saw my ex, alone, walking across the college campus. Like a dope, I followed him. There was no other woman, but I saw him having the time of his life, jamming, smiling, not soul torn asunder at all. On another post I had replied that he did try to come back into my life, but that was so many years later it didn’t matter. I felt nothing.
It’s funny, just last night I was sitting at a bar having a glass of wine with my sister and (get this) her ex-husband’s ex-fiancé. The guy had been married twice before and every four years leaves a wake of broken hearts, wives, girlfriends, and mistresses strewn behind him. The man is now, according to karma, balding, old, broke and alone.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but maybe it’s don’t be surprised if you find yourself ten/twenty years later commiserating about this guy in a bar.
Take Care of Yourself, OK?
Inky
Hi Heal2014,
People don’t like it when their assumptions are blown out of the water. She assumed you were X and yet you are doing Y. You also are invading on her turf. (SHE’S the grad student!) Maybe she hears about it on and on from her family how great you are. Maybe she’s always felt close to your husband to the point of jealousy. Maybe she’s like this with everyone!
But clearly this is “her” problem and not “yours”, you know?
Look, you will either get into graduate school or you won’t. If you do, she will simmer in jealousy, but you will literally be too busy to care about her comments, much less have time to socialize. The top schools are the top for a reason!
Or, you won’t get in and she will feel smug. Then you will have a choice on how to respond or inwardly deal with her.
And just remember, if you announce a pregnancy around her, then the fun really begins. 🙂
But seriously, there is a saying “Keep your goals away from the trolls”. Talk about your plans after they happen.
Inky
Hi Emma,
The last question is a doozy. How to deal with resistance. In the present you can fight against it. i.e. “Look your parents like me, they really like me! Where’s your resistance now?? LOL”.
Or the issue will naturally dissipate the more you focus on other things or even as time goes on.
For example, since you have an open relationship, you could focus on guys that are proud to introduce you to their parents. “What are you talking about, I’m the girl next door, I ran into your mother at my fiance’s mother’s garden party, and she’s perfectly lovely! Oh yes, by the way I’m engaged, sorry!”
Or you can say, “What are you talking about we’re thirty years old now and your parents have dementia!”
He is the only one carrying that image. And even his parent’s have this out dated image of you. If I’m doing my math right, they themselves probably came of age in the 70’s, so I’m sure they don’t judge you as much as everyone lets on!
My dear calavene,
Remember that everything changes. Not that you were ever an ugly duckling or are even now a swan, but ~ you are a different person than you were seven, ten, twenty years ago. Everyone is. And people, as well as constantly changing, are also pretty much the same everywhere. Awesome people with flaws as well as jerks with a rare glimmer of a heart of gold. Even the perfect person for you will unwittingly break your heart ~ even a little.
Military training has probably helped you to put the mission first, to keep moving, soldier! That includes the rest of your life, too. I hear you, I am an introvert and suspect have some social anxiety disorder. Trust me, I know what it’s like to interact with people, make confessions, etc. But keep your ultimate mission in mind: to have a family/relationship. Let’s just admit that’s what you really want.
Confessing or even asking through a mutual friend, would be great! But if that doesn’t pan out, try to let people glimpse inside the fortress walls. They won’t get in, but let the most likely have a peek. Then, if they prove themselves worthy, lower the drawbridge for an hour or two.
Inky
Hi Emma,
This is an idea ~ Why don’t you relate to his parents in a different context? For example, does his mom belong to a place of worship, live near you, go to a certain gym class, etc.? Could you casually on purpose run into her? Invite him AND his parents to a Super Bowl party? Ask her advice? Call his dad when your car has trouble asking his advice if you should take it in?
They need to know that you are not just “that girl” from a few years ago. That you are older, multi-dimensional, and dating their son.
This might cause friction with your boyfriend as you are “going over his head”, but he is the one comfortable with his “shame spiral”, not you. And I’m sure the parents don’t think about you nearly as much as he thinks they do about you concerning them. To be honest, my own son has so many girls (as friends) that I wouldn’t recognize any particular one, especially three years later!
OK, Good Luck!
Inky
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