Hi April,

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time.

The reason why people don’t approach you directly is because they think that they will cause more harm to you if they confront you. At least that’s why I would do it. Gossiping is also a form of bonding. If you weren’t there they’d just find someone else to gossip about! The best you can do is ignore the hens in the office, and silently thank your ex for letting you go with minimal drama.

The schools and life ~ what I do is meet the tough time in advance. So for classes I would do all the reading right away. At the same time I would review my notes every day. And write the papers months in advance. Then I would have two different people edit them. By the middle of the semester I would be going to class and actually learning something rather than be all stressy. Read, Review, Write ~ If you do them right away or every day, it’s not bad at all!

Love Life ~ let the guys come to you. A crush is fun, but just that ~ for entertainment purposes only. LOL

With your friends don’t talk about your problems, get cracking solving theirs! Be positive!

Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Inky.

Hi Allison,

The good news is you’re out of the country! The bad news is you’re out of the country.

Here’s a thought. Every OTHER year do the dutiful daughter routine and visit them. But every OTHER year insist they visit you! Open your home up but be working during the day. They will sight see. Then make a great dinner and take them to a show. Do activities and go to movies so there’s no room for banality. Pretend you’re a tour guide.

I hear you about having *those* relatives. Everyone goes through this. Holidays, ugh.

So that’s my strategy!

Inky

Judges are fair AND merciful.

So OK, here’s one: I caught the neighborhood drug dealer. I “ruined his life”. Everyone in town either loved me or hated me. I had busted out of the “Just Say No” talk to my kids and made everything about the drugs “Not Cool” because, well, a Mommy ruined everyone’s fun times. I didn’t worry about my kid’s reputation, my reputation, the friends, the unwritten rules of our cul-de-sac.

So what happened was between the three felonies (possession, selling, and intent to harm a minor) the guy got two years of probation. Will it go on his “permanent record”? Maybe. I don’t know. But he wasn’t exactly fulfilling his potential with the drugs anyway, was he?

If anything, I saved him from that lifestyle and himself. What most of these people do is become (legit) businessmen or work for their family if they have a “background”.

In ten years contact him. I bet he will give YOU an apology and a THANK YOU for saving his life.

Believe It,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Inky.

Hi sondersome,

It’s so easy to look back and play scenarios in our mind about our parallel universe if we did THIS or did THAT. Said THIS or said THAT, etc., etc. It can drive you nuts.

Also, there is no good time to break up, but I hate it when I hear men dump their GFs during or around a holiday. That’s just setting you up to feel sad on New Years.

And bringing your stuff when you were supposed to talk? Another thing.

These are just irritants, and I’m just a stranger, but please don’t play mystery solver when he did two “You gotta be kidding me buddy” gaffs.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t beg, don’t plead. Think of his breaking up with you as a gift to your future self. He broke up with you so your future self would have to do the dirty work on him.

May You Find Love and Happiness,

Inky

If he didn’t love her, and he’s an attorney (smart enough to not only pass the BAR exam but get out quickly and easily) trust me, he would have.

I wouldn’t give $$$ to a beloved blood relative for elective surgery.

My DH? Yes.

And I’m a girl, laden with “shoulds” and “have to’s” and “But it’s faaammmiiilllyyy!”.

We don’t expect guys to write thank you notes, but he takes care of his family. Of course he loves her, he’s “supporting” her! If they have a 1 Mill lifestyle, he loves her as much as 1 Mill.

And “she” IS “he”! Please remember that a married couple is ONE unit! His $$$ IS her $$$!

Once again, I know it’s hard to hear.

When a man falls out of love, they are OUT of there, whether they have someone in the wings or not.

The more you listen to him gripe and complain, the more of his burden you take on. Maybe if you weren’t there all the time he would figure it all out. But don’t count on it.

We never blast each other on TinyBuddah, that’s why I love it! Hopefully I’m not too harsh, sorry if I am!!

OK,

1. I don’t care if she’s unemployable, a slob, bad with money, frigid, and burns the house down trying to make toast, she’s the wife. You are just the girlfriend. This bears repeating: You’re just the girlfriend. Know your place. If you don’t like your place, change your title: Friend or Fiancee (once divorce is final).

2. Once again, of course he only shows you the bad stuff. But let me ask you this: Clearly something good was going on with her or he wouldn’t have married her! And now, gradually or suddenly, she has a mental disorder and won’t cook or clean and has a litter of puppies. Maybe some of it’s him. I know if I wanted to raise dogs, couldn’t work, didn’t want to clean and didn’t have fun times with DH, I guarantee you, some of it’s him. If he’s all that, she would make more of an effort. In fact, if she had a lover next door you would bet that that house would be amazing so she could invite him to a Super Bowl party LOL.

3. If she doesn’t know about you, surely she senses someone else is in the air. Once again, puppies and messy nest. She doesn’t want him either! Why reward a no good husband??

4. What man is (sorry) desperate enough to drive 1000 miles away for true love or even a fun time and not even begin to leave the wife?

5. This is so easy to do because of distance. Tell him you can be together WHEN he is legally divorced. Separated or her keeping him in the courts for years doesn’t count.

It’s Not just the Wife, it’s Him,

Inky

Hi gertie,

Though I don’t condone all this, I have noticed one thing concerning men: They are masters at compartmentalizing. One part of him may very well love you. However, there is another part of him that very much loves his wife as well. What is soul crushing to us can be a mere scheduling problem for them.

When (IF!) he is done with his wife, he will treat the divorce as an ended business arrangement and “fire” her with no emotion. He has not done this, so she is still very much a part of his life. Sorry!

Your daughter is young. One year for her is like ten years for us. Don’t mention him and in a few months he’ll be part of her distant past. And going forward, never introduce your beaus to your kids while dating. It’s simply too confusing, especially when they pull stunts like this!

Be Strong,

Inky

Hi Keely,

Well, the peer group you are in failed. And as you know, God forbid someone tries to support you or they will be the target. You know what bullying is, don’t you? It’s not so much because of low self esteem. It’s because (ironically) of inclusion. Bullying, like gossiping, bonds people together. Think of your peers as literal gangs of monkeys.

So you can do a few things:

1. Find a different peer group in another place, in another activity, in another setting. Good, new experiences will negate old, bad experiences

2. Become friends with older college age kids. They are more young adults and mature and they will instinctively support you, not bully you. After all, you are no threat to them. Again, this will counteract any old bad experiences.

3. Ditch FaceBook. No one uses it anymore. At least not the kids I know. That’s the old, outdated life calling. And change your cell phone number. Only give it out to the trusted few who are good enough TO YOU to deserve it. If you only have a few numbers programmed in, that’s OK.

New Year and All That,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Inky.