Dear cperrone,

You simply must protect yourself! The fact that a cop warned you and told you what to do is a sign from God that this is NOT in your head! Please get a second, bigger dog, take self defense classes and get a male roommate/tenant. Moving and getting another job might be good options if you can swing it! None of my suggestions are “fair”, but he’s not fair, treating you this way. Don’t even talk to him! Go ghost. Let him rage himself out ~ alone.

Good Luck and God Bless!!

Inky

The first (and hardest) thing to do is to make peace with the probability that he won’t give you what you want. That would be an apology. Now, he might contact you years (decades) from now and say he’s sorry for the way he was as a young guy. But who has time to wait for that? Also, for some people, even if we know we did something wrong, are too prideful to admit it.

For you, feeling and acting “jealous” was perceived as “wrong”. Well, jealousy is a feeling. And as for acting jealous, it sure seemed to be what he wanted, despite his chidings.

In other words, you’re not crazy. He made you crazy. He was more wrong than you. And I bet he knows it.

Now, block his number. Do a made up I’m Starting Over ritual. To New Beginnings!

Hi Bren,

You don’t need to tell anyone if you don’t have to because frankly it’s none of their business! If they catch wind that you were arrested/in jail/in court be all, “Legal system. Don’t want to talk about it.” Or, “I needed a good lawyer on that one. So, about those Mets..” Everyone will say that’s the worst advice ever, but it is great advice if you want to put this behind you and live in the present moment.

Here’s something. A few years ago *There Was An Incident*. I caught the guy. He got three felonies and was put on probation for two years. It’s a small town and I know he was filled with embarrassment, shame, depression, and, I hope, guilt. I would check his very open social media page over that time to keep tabs on him. The thing is, if he didn’t make these really stupid decisions (only made stupider by how his was caught) I would have really liked the guy IRL. In fact, I’m rooting for him to turn his life around, and I think he’s well on his way.

I tell my kids, “You’re bad at being bad, so you might as well be good.” That’s true for most people.

Even the people you may have done wrong will probably forgive you, and if it was a social crime, the State has already moved on, and the cops/judges/lawyers have already forgotten you. Believe me, everyone will forget, or frankly won’t care.

Hi sultana,

Dogs (and cats in a more general sense) represent chapters in our lives. It is no coincidence that he died right while you were downsizing/moving. And I’m not surprised that your ex suddenly wants you back. Harry was the Break Up Dog. And now his raison d’etre is done. You weren’t born to be there for the dog. He was born to be there for you. I’m sorry if this all sounds perhaps harsh/insensitive?

What I would do is continue with your plans and take your ex back on probation. No moving in, no sex, just dating. Also see a councilor for examining what led to the demise of your relationship in the first place!! If this advice feels “off” to you, then that “No” is your true answer.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Inky.

Hi thirdear,

The obvious solution is to just drop them both. Cut your hanging out with them by half. And then when you do see them have it be for a few hours rather than the whole night. And if you’re physical with the girl turn it down by a lot.

You will then be in higher demand, they’ll be wondering about you. They can’t say anything bad about you because they wouldn’t know ~ you’re not around! And you won’t be calling them, and not seeing them as much so they will appreciate you more.

But the true answer is to drop them both and replace them with higher quality people to be friends with.

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi Line,

If you live at home, get your own place. If the occasional visits and phone calls still annoy you, limit the visit to an hour or two and the phone to fifteen minutes. If they still make you uncomfortable, it could just be your “allergic reaction” to them. Like, you know they will be this way, then when they are, you’re all, “I Knew It”! At some point you have to accept them as the way they are. They are this way out of years and perhaps decades of acting like this. It is all a bad habit.

Best,

Inky

Hi bphkhss,

The on and off nature of the relationship kept you in this weird limbo (“He loves me, loves me not?”) mindset. Then when he broke up with you it was “official”. So you feel rejected. Rather than facing that feeling you feel empty, which is a safer feeling than rejected. Maybe your depression is safer to deal with than the anger, disappointment, and heartache.

You also seem to need to be in a relationship to be happy. But what will happen if you find true love, and the guy dies when you’re an old lady? What I’m saying is that nothing is truly permanent, and at the end of the day you have to be comfortable just being you.

So your situation is compounded. You have to get over the breakup, and be comfortable with you, and (optional!) find someone.

And then to find someone? The best way is to tell the Universe, “I release this desire for a relationship. I’m not looking. If it happens, great (I get to have dynamic duo adventures)! If not, great (I get to have amazing solo adventures)!” And truly mean it. That’s when you meet someone. I’ve seen it time and time again.

Hi Becky,

When you lived together, you saw his Shadow Side. Everyone has one, by the way. He made the mistake of showing his. Constantly for two years!! I can see getting back together with someone after they had said something in anger or had one good fight. But this was emotional abuse.

If you get back together with him, don’t move in with him. And would you really marry or have a child with him? Then you’re stuck.

Him not knowing where you live? Very wise.

The more you “deal” with the flashbacks, the more they stay with you. But if you push them back, they are still in you subconscious. Time, time, and more time will make it a little better by increments.

Pick Someone who Treats you like a Queen,

Inky