Hi Jas,

OK, be very careful not to get caught in that mind trap!

I’ve noticed that the friends and family of jerks, rapists, murderers, animal abusers, cheaters, tax evaders, the list goes on, will ALWAYS “Stand by their son/man”. Have you noticed that it’s usually men?? Have you also thought, “Maybe if someone in their life said, ‘No’ to them once in a while maybe they wouldn’t be jerks, rapists, murderers”, you get the idea?

I think jerks and men somehow have a higher social value than nice women. Don’t jump down my throat people, that’s just what I’ve noticed in my own life. Jerky women seem to get away with some stuff, and nice men (when they do something wrong by accident LOL) but the nice girl seems to get steamrolled by the rest of humanity.

My own sister scolded me for inadvertently making her ex-husband feel bad, and the man cheated on her with two different women!!

If it makes you feel any better, there ARE some people who I would ask, “What did you say/do so s/he would act that way??” That could mean that they actually do view you on the same level as him and not a victim. Or, your ex REALLY knows how to play them and manipulate!

Don’t be surprised if they ask you to work for him again, or invite you over, suddenly show up at family events and want to Friend you on FaceBook. Now that the secret is out, they are going to want everything to be “OK”. If you go over there or have to be around them at holidays, that will be proof that everything is “OK”.

I don’t know how old you are, but nothing creates distance like distance. Get out of the area and only see the family that isn’t connected to them. If a parent is, have them visit you where you are and don’t be ambushed by “Surprise! Uncle’s here!”

They may also make YOU the “problem”. You led him on, nothing happened, it’s no big deal, you misinterpreted. Or, when you’re a no-show for the holidays, “What’s HER problem??”

Ugh.

I just/”just” got kissed by an uncle and for years I was the family “problem”. But, nothing like decades after becoming an adult for them to be properly mortified and slink away from the rest of the family tree.

Block their number. Go to college/work far from them. Get out of that environment. Now, please.

Hi M,

If possible, move out and move in with other room mates. This will do several things. Your boyfriend will appreciate you more and will want to make plans to be with you. Probably without Bob. Also, you will be more likely to get married down the line. Right now you are just “there” to the point where your boyfriend literally cannot see that someone is trash talking his girlfriend!

Say “No” to hanging out with Bob. You’re not telling BF what to do. Just say, “No thanks” to going out. If you get flack just use the broken record technique ~ keep saying “No thanks”. When BF comes back talking about what Bob said, especially concerning you, say, “I don’t want to hear it.”

Then make plans for romantic dinners, boat rides, picnics, a couple’s cooking class, a chick flick movie ~ something that only couples do together. So Bob would be the third wheel if he tries to join in LOL (he won’t).

A curious thing will happen. On the odd chance that you are “stuck” with Bob, if it’s been over a month since he’s seen you, he will probably be polite. You will have broken the old dynamic. Now, if Bob starts in with his crap, simply see him less and less and plan more and more one on one dates with your boyfriend (but don’t forbid him to see Bob, either, just not on your couple’s time!)

This will all work more powerfully if you have your own place.

Good Luck,

Inky

Hi poeticanthology,

Most people go through at least a few relationships before finding The One that lasts. I mean, you were essentially four years out of the running, so it’s not like you were rejected then. More like, dejected (totally understandable!) Also, look at the pool where you generally are meeting guys. Bars? Clubs? Not the best places. Friends of the family? Friends of friends? Church? Better! May I suggest looking for slightly older guys ~ late twenties/early thirties. Those will probably be more serious about things like that.

View dating as a game! Go out ONLY to have fun and to have a good time. Yes, you will run into lemons, but they might know someone perfect for you! You never know.

Best,

Inky

Hi innnaaa,

Oh, sweetie!! {{{hugs}}}

I know, I know. As women we get crazily competitive when we even think we sniff another woman in the background. And you actually had one! What I would have done is keep losing or destroying his phone, but that’s just me when I’m crazy! LOL! Let this other girl “win”. Believe me, she’ll get her heart broken too. Look at his string of failed marriages!

Anyway, speaking as a slightly older person, let me assure you that you are STILL YOUNG. Not metaphorically young. Not comparatively young, but young enough so that this is a blip in your life and even résumé . Yes, indeed you can go back and start over.

OK, the only love advice my mother gave us was, “Never marry a foreigner”. Anyone can say the right things, but you need someone with your own core values. Also, never live with anyone before marriage. As you can see, you are helpless and beholden to them. Especially in another country when you have no money or job!! Right, lessons learned.

Please, this week, just concentrate on getting OUT. Go back home. Go back to your family, your parents, siblings, cousins, anyone. Have a good cry. Let them build you up. Begin again.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi hakko,

At your age, even if you had the best family on the planet, you would still feel an urge to make your dreams come true and travel. And a good family would want you to spread your wings and be happy. Pretend you come from that wonderful family!

Blessings,

Inky

Hi nonamenoname,

I would just hang around him. And be consistent in how you contact him and how often. Like, I used to text or make a phone call once a week and hang out once a month for a certain friend of mine. That’s just an example. People like patterns. When he knows you’re often (not always, don’t smother him!) there and dependable, that will eventually make him feel closer to you. Like a brother, probably.

Keep it simple, don’t over analyze the friendship, and relax!

Inky