Hi gracen,

OK, first of all, NEVER put anything personal in writing!! Like, ever. Not in business, not online, not in journals. It is SO easy for things to be misconstrued, or turned against you.

**What I will write next is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended, but it is the truth**

Second of all, you keep calling the couple “Them”/”They” or they are all “We”. There is no “Them” because.. He didn’t put a ring on it!! She has merely picked him to raise her children. She is not the wife. Nor a fiancée. She is just a girlfriend. Yes, I said it. Just a Girlfriend. Meaning, he can leave anytime, still keeping to his, God’s and the world’s morals! I think that he is not as into her as “they” say, simply because he was so into you (possibly as an escape), (and has found himself raising her kids, IMO). He has not proposed, has he?

I’m not putting her down, believe it or not. Obviously, she should dump him, the two-timer.

By showing her the letter he has made an “Us Against Her” or “Us Against the World” dynamic. This is called Triangulation. Instead of getting angry at him (and I love HIM apologizing to YOU for “leading you on”. Please.) She has chosen for “Them” to think you’re just some girl.

No, don’t talk to him. If anything call the girlfriend and tell her, “Have your boyfriend stop contacting me” if he ever talks to you. If he gets incensed and “they” talk to you again, have your lawyer scare them a little with a Cease and Desist letter to cast them out of their fantasy land. Then maybe he’ll get real with her and propose or leave, once the distraction (you) is over.

Reclaim your Dignity.

Inky

Hi Bluesses,

YOU tell everyone you’ve been together for almost a year!! One starred FB status update should do it. A new profile picture of you and him. Saying, “After the most romantic year ever, BF proposed!” You can then write that, yes, you two “kept it a secret until the time was right!”

He will get pissed that you let the cat out of the bag. The “friend” will be hurt. His other friends either already know, or don’t care. On the dark flip side it IS possible he’s been lying to everyone. That the “friend” is really his other GF and the other friends actually think that.

Time to regain your pride by letting the truth set you free.

In future conversations say “us” and “we” a lot. Never show any schism between you in public. And don’t mention this to him again. If he rants and raves say, “Oh, don’t be silly” and let HIM deal with the fall out from the “friend”. Who will think that HE was cheating on HER with YOU!

Obviously, I’m supposed to write “Call off your engagement” but if it’s in less than 100 days I know that won’t happen, thus the throw back advice above!!

This was a classic “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining” situation.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi raven11,

No one can argue with a tooth ache. I’m serious. The day of the event, make like you’re all ready to go and then go “DAMMIT!!” and “run to the dentist” and text once you’re “there” to go on without you. Cracked tooth, root canal, whatever. In reality you will be at a spa, having a well deserved massage.

Now, what you should also do is call/visit “his” side of the family, each individually. Tell them that there are rumors that you are abusive, and/or about your husband’s shenanigans, and that you don’t know what to do! Confide in them in a “what do you think I should do” kind of way. You have to get out from under this family mob mentality that you are the bad guy. Pick the weakest link and become their best friend. Next year, do this with the next weakest link. One day, at a funeral or something, BIL will be all, “How come everyone’s clustered around HER?” LOL

An easier thing to do, of course, is to shed your DH, but if you have kids I can see why you might not want to do that (yet).

Hi korrasamus,

Wow, people make their lives so complicated! If you guys want to be together one day ~ be together now! You don’t have to get married. Just enjoy each other’s company. He doesn’t have to “struggle” or “grieve”. You don’t have to be “strong” or “confident”. I mean, when would he or you be ready then? Next year? Five years? Ten years? Throw out your “shoulds” and be together NOW!

Caveat: Sometimes when people say, “I’m not ready for a relationship” they really mean “I don’t want a relationship ~ with YOU!” Make sure that’s not what was going on. If so then throw my above advice out the window.

Blessings,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Yeah, I didn’t want to say anything, but I was reminded of a distant relative who thought that the Republican party bugged her house.

(O_o);

Hi wayfinder,

Ugh, this is why I hate FaceBook. Like, IRL, in the old days, you would never go on a double date and then proceed to call 100 of your closest friends and tell them about it. I think it should be used for Private Messaging, saying “Happy Birthday” and to tell everyone about something that matters (moving, job change, engagement, etc.). But no matter what you post, someone’s going to be unhappy. This time it’s you. (I hate when it’s me getting upset over a FB post!!).

What I would do is “Hide” him on social media and take what he posts/says at face value. If he doesn’t say, “I like you” and writes “Hang in there!” assume he really means “Hang in there!”

He might also still look at you as a wounded bird of sorts. Maybe a “Thanks for all your help! I’m fine now, but thanks!” Show him an independent streak, or shoo him away a little.

OK, Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Hi coffee,

For the long commute try listening to books on tape, a comedy, or meditation CDs.

For work, have rest stops throughout the day. Chair yoga… And everyone has to use the bathroom, right? Have like a mini spa experience in the bathroom. Skin brushing, moisturizing, relaxation, breathing, visualizing. For lunch or a snack have goat’s milk or goat cheese, nuts, lemon water, a salad. Drink a lot of water so you don’t get fatigued.

OK, when my MIL was dying, I told my frazzled, weary DH, “On any given day you can work, take care of the house/kids/family or visit your mother. Pick two.” It was such a relief to him that he didn’t have to Do It All in a day, every day.

Like, I don’t know your job, but Batching helps: Do paper work Monday, Phone Calls Tuesday, Travel Wednesday, Email Processing Thursday, Wrap Up Friday.

Also, usually people feel stressed when there’s competing interests. Can you let everything else go? Hire a house cleaner? Car pool? Have groceries delivered? Imagine that you didn’t have a house, family, friends or hobbies, and your job was your life. You live in the office. This is all you do. This is all there is. That thought should actually relax you. If you feel more stressed thinking that thought, explore other options.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Hi Will,

Hi Matt!

OK, there are two things you can do. One is to find websites that list organizations that are a cult. It might be already well known. If not, tell the moderators about it and have it put on the list.

The other thing is to make a couple dozen flyers and put them strategically around the city where the kids are. No kid wants to feel duped and will give the place a side-eye after seeing a “Warning: Cult!” flyer.

I mean my attitude is Yes, live and let live. But if my inner alarms are going off, and red flags are everywhere, Knowledge is Power. If a kid wants to join a cult or cult-like organization with both eyes open, fine. But I would want to give the people a heads up simply because I am part of the community. The organization has to earn the community’s trust and act legit (drop the outrageous prices, charismatic leaders and hypnotism of our young people).

P.S. I once met a woman whose sister had been part of a cult. The woman had mob connections (this was back in the 70s/80s) and the mob got the sister out. Yes, it was one of *Those* cults where they sequester the family members away, and they had the sister’s daughter too.

OK, Good Luck Will!

Inky