I feel compelled to respond:

Out of the literally billions of men on the planet, surely you can find a normal guy. And no, it’s not normal to go on a dating site with the disclaimer “No Questions”. Does the wife know about the site? Does she know that he is dating just anyone? Meaning, P.S. you’re not the only one! What else is he not telling you? Criminal record? STDs? I’m serious here. There is a certain arrogance behind anyone who writes “Disclaimer: No Personal Questions” on a dating site.

Perhaps if more women (and men!) don’t humor married people and encourage them to take sex casually there would be fewer extra-marital affairs! When you sleep with a married person you are essentially saying, “Your twenty year relationship with your husband/wife didn’t matter and wasn’t a big deal. Because look, you are now sleeping with someone and I mean it could be anyone. OR// I’m the exception! I’m on par with the spouse, Yay!”

If you truly clicked, imagine he is your knight and you are his lady/muse. They didn’t sleep together either, but the romance was there! Let him transmute that feeling into poetry or something. And if you truly feel nothing, let him give the poetry to his wife.

Hi Trixie,

We had this too. I hate to say this, but Throw Money At It. Go onto Care.com and hire someone. When we did this we got dozens of emails. The people were OK. Even if it’s just once a week. Even if it dips into your/her savings. Remember, God rested on the seventh day, you can too! Get a schedule. None of this, “Oh, I can come on Wednesday but not Tuesday of next week”. No, have a regular, constant person. Then you can plan. When her friends ask, “If there’s anything I can do…” say YES, and BE SPECIFIC! The church ladies (there are always those ladies) if she knows them are great. The neighbors. The visiting aunt. But my main takeaway is to hire someone.

Also, you can take care of your mother, work, and/or be with your family. On any given day, Pick Two. Don’t try to do it all in one day. That saved our sanity. You are also being a good example for how YOU or THEY would be treated if any of you were sick.

Another option is for Mom to stay with you or to have a good kid (student) stay with her rent free to make sure she gets to appointments, is taken care of, runs errands. As long as Mom knows Kid has to go to classes once in a while. We kind of had this but didn’t plan for it. A friend needed a place and we said, “Stay with Mom in case she breaks her hip”. She was spry at the time, but over the years our OCD friend TOTALLY made her life SO much easier!! He didn’t “do” anything really, but he was THERE, which was the invaluable thing! Know what I mean?

Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Hi Tiny Butterfly,

Here’s my logical, outsider reasoning:

1. If his words are true (meaning, if he really thinks/feels that way) then you should get rid of him.

2. If he was just saying those words/statements out of anger, and they are meaningless, the danger is that he will think he can just say these things going forward. You begging him to take you back essentially gives him that permission as you “amitted” that you were “wrong” by the begging. (Hope that makes sense!)

3. You have given him all the power in the relationship. HE blocks you. HE hangs up on you. No. This is what you do: You have to give him a little scare, or a little hurt. This time YOU go away. No arguing, just say, “I can’t take this anymore, I’m going away to get my head on straight, and I will tell you if I want to continue this relationship when I come back.”

4. While you’re gone he will get a little scared. He will think back to his cruel words, whether he wants to or not.

5. When you come back he may very well dump you, or you may very well dump him. But if you do agree to stick it out, it will be a VERY long time before he even thinks of pulling a stunt like that again. And in that time, the dynamic will change.

6. P.S. Your family struggles didn’t cause the problems. They just served to illuminate your weaknesses in full relief.

Good Luck!

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Hi sunshineinca,

The good news is this is a long distance relationship. So you can probably change all your emails and numbers to be free of him and that will be that. Moving would be a bonus, depending on if he’s the type to make a Grand Gesture and drive/fly out to unexpectedly see you. Chances are he will not harm himself. Of course, it’s possible, but not probable. And if it is, you are NOT the person to support someone like that for the rest of his/your life. You are not trained. And a trained person wouldn’t get sucked in like that.

Stay Strong!

Inky

Hi Nicole,

When I met The One (and when The One met me), the last thing we would ever want to do is flaunt our relationship in old BF and GF’s faces. As in, it’s not even on the list. The Real Relationship is so sacred that we keep it “hidden” and “special” in a sense. When we are together, we show our Best Selves.

YES, he is still very, very angry. He spent years taking it out on you. Now that you’re not available as a punching bag, he can’t go after his new GF (YET!!!) so he does the creepy stalker dance, and posts his outrage and comparison online.

NO, this new GF isn’t The One. Even if they do get married, it will never work out. Not truly.

HE has to get over this rage he has which can’t be contained.

Your dreams are what you soul feels. You don’t even feel it emotionally. Your soul was expressing the residual longing. And you are still psychically linked, else you would never have found (or thought of finding) that forum!

Time, time and more time. Don’t contact him or receive contact from him or see him. Ever.

Be Strong,

Inky

Brittany,

I had this too to a lesser degree. Beginning of Year One: “How wonderful our son has a girlfriend!” End of Year Two: “*mutter mutter* … that damn jeep!… *mutter mutter*” (Hey! I loved my jeep! LOL)

YES, they might think you are invading into their family time! I’m sorry, but that’s the first thing I picked up. If you are recent grads, he should eventually move.

YES, they wanted him to have the college experience. New people, new adventures and not tied SO much to friends of old. Still seeing the high-school GF is, well, amazing, a rarity, yet “old”, I guess. (Like, I wanted my sister to have several BFs before she got married. She married her first one, and, well.. it ended badly.)

YES, they thought it was cute and wonderful for their son to have his first girlfriend in high school. Believe it or not, we parents are relieved when members of the opposite sex thinks our child is attractive!

What You Do:

1. Don’t move in together. It will destroy whatever magic is left. Just … trust me on this one!

2. Make you arriving at his family’s house An Event, not a regular thing. This way they will miss you and appreciate you when you do make an exclusive appearance. For the rest of the summer, disappear for a while. See them at the Fourth of July. Then maybe once more this summer. Every 45 days. Every month and a half seems to be the magic number for keeping in touch, yet them not being sick of you.

3. Surprise them. Call the house. When the mom says, “Oh, let me get him” or “Try him on his cell phone” say, “Actually, I called to see if YOU wanted to go to the spa/Renaissance festival/get our nails done/go out to lunch”. AND/OR ask the mom for some advice. Real advice, they can tell if you’re pandering to them. Ask the dad for car/financial advice.

4. When you do come over bring over food. Preferably made by YOU or at least a gift box thing-y.

Yes, you may see the BF a little less, but get creative. Meet elsewhere aside from the parents’ house.

Good Luck,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Hi Jim,

Maybe the trick is to turn your shame into pride.

1. Do a ritual (humans thrive on ritual!) to exorcise the shame, release it, then invite pride in to fill the void. Once shame is cast out and pride is invited in, immediately do a protection gesture in the ritual to keep the pride safe in your heart. Then, do a blessing to end the ritual. You can make the elements of this up. It could be as simple as words, or as elaborate as you want with props, loved ones, music, etc.

2. Bathe yourself in books, movies, music and art from other transgendered people. Be careful not to get sucked back into a shame-spiral though! Just find stuff made by and images of, other transgendered, and their stuff doesn’t even have to BE about being transgendered, you know? The point is to make being transgendered NORMAL in your own mind.

3. Meet other transgendered through Meet Ups, going out, clubs, etc. Find several friends. Real friends, not someone you’ll meet once and never see again.

Good Luck!!

Inky