Hi Jason,

Married men look to other women even if times are good. Married women look to other men only when times are bad. This guy is giving her something she so desperately needs that she isn’t getting from you. Here is the trick to get her back heart, mind and soul:

Treat her so well that YOU become her lover (or best friend, assuming nothing went on), and that YOU are stealing her away from HIM.

I know you aren’t in the mood to do this, and you want to talk it out, but you will NEVER resolve it through talking alone! In fact, at this point, talk is detrimental!

Someone or Life itself is telling her (and frankly most women) that she’s not good enough. YOU need to compliment her on how great she looks, cook her nice foods, help a little in the house AND/OR say THANK YOU for even the smallest thing she does in the house. Compliment the children when you catch them being good and say that they take after their mother.

She looks to him for a zing of excitement, appreciation, and to get away from a life where nothing she does is good enough. Then, she comes back from a man who makes her feel beautiful to complaints, noise, and drudgery.

Whatever you did all those years ago to win her love, do again. Take her out, dress up, compliment her, sweep her off her feet. When you were dating you never brought up the other guys did you? You are the only one in her world, truly. Time to remind her of that!

Best,

Inky

Yes, emmak, 1000 times yes!! Happygirl, the absolute worst thing that can happen is that the other person feels uncomfortable. This feeling

1. Will cause them to self examine themselves whether they want to or not and

2. Let them know you’re on to them if indeed they harbor intrigue in their hearts.

Our men sometimes are all, “If I’m not interested in her what’s the problem?” but what they have to understand is that we women Don’t Want That Energy Lurking Around In Our House/Life! It’s no fun having a chick watching from the sidelines hoping our marriage will fail/you die, ready to swoop in. Kind of like you see your dream house and patiently wait for it to come back on the market, even if it’s 20 years later!!

Just say “No” and have your husband hem, haw, and make excuses to his friends. He might say, “Her mother is sick”, or “It’s not a good time”, or even THE TRUTH.

TBH, if I was planning a trip, and the spouse of my friends said “No” to me visiting, I’m the type to get the message that

1. We’re not that close (the message you want them to get, closer to your goal of no potential shenanigans, yay!)
2. It’s me (I am his ex, and I want to crash at their place, hmmm…)

And I wouldn’t look at the spouse badly at all! And P.S., so what if they did? That you are a jealous wife? Well, good! Wives should be, that’s the best kind! It’s like you’re afraid of losing any power or position.

If they tease you or give you a hard time just say, “Yup, you’re right, I’m a jealous wife. Who wants you little rascals messing up my bathroom and kitchen?”

If it makes you feel any better, I told my DH “NO” when he wanted his druggy friend crashing at our place for one night. He wanted me to give “reasons” and kept turning it around on ME. I just kept saying, “No. Nope. A galaxy of Nope.” He gave up and had an awkward conversation with his old friend. Old friend was left with the discomfort. So what? My home was mine. No past precedent was made.

I have another story too, said “NO” to an old friend who was becoming obsessed with my family. The sky didn’t fall. All was well.

Hi lostandlovinit,

Words have power. Vibrations are real. You have probably been in a (more or less) normal, stable environment for most of your life with normal, relatively stable people. As in, when someone would get upset you could totally pinpoint the cause or your behavior and either understand it or fix it. Naturally when you run across a creature like this it can literally feel like a shock to your system.

It sounds like this woman was attacking your soul, your essence, trying to fill you with shame. I had this exact same experience!! I didn’t have to work with her, thank God!

I’m sorry to say, as much as I wrote in a journal and burned the pages, vented to my friends, got sucked into a shame spiral, etc., etc., the ONLY thing that got me through it was TIME! It is now eight years later (!) and I can say, truly, that I’m “Over It”. Meaning, hearing of, thinking of, or seeing this person doesn’t trigger me anymore. Yes, try Matt’s mantra above!! It might work, but in general just move on with your life. If she’s not around, she doesn’t “exist” you know? Pretend she was literally a nightmare you had one night.

Best,

Inky

Hi kdot,

The first step is to see a doctor. Just pick up the phone (or have your parents do it if you’re “frozen”) and make the appointment. Then wait until the appointment begins. Tell the doc about your anxiety and depression. He will likely give you a prescription or refer you to someone. Follow the doctor’s orders. That’s all you have to do. I’m not into drugs, but this is one of those times when It’s OK to take them to get you living again.

Blessings,

Inky

Hi reena89,

I think he is serious in that he spent most of his adult life with you. And, doesn’t know anything else! He doesn’t know what “serious” or “supportive” looks like, because he is in his comfortable zone, and always has been. Reading in between the lines, he sounds a tad immature or not quite ready to marry the love of his life.

Just My Opine,

Inky

Hi Anyone,

Just don’t be party to any “Badness/Evil” in the world. It’s not hard. You don’t have to feed, shelter, clothe or love his kids. Just don’t be party to/support him leaving them.

Something inside you (that would be a conscience) said, “Hey, something about this situation really, really bothers me. I know! Let’s go online and ask random strangers if I’m crazy!” And everyone (even the diplomatic one, hi Anita! 🙂 ) said, “No, you’re not crazy, this is wrong, this is not best for you.”

It seems like you’re doing a lot of work justifying what is wrong. What is right needs no justification.

Leave the family alone,

Inky

justwow,

My darling, dear girl! My dad did the exact same thing to US. And I don’t know what hurt more ~ the fact that he put other people before his family, or the fact they (the OW and her family) were all Losers. And they were, because sometimes I would wonder the opposite: What if they were All That, how would we feel? My mother was an elegant lady, and she didn’t have any patience for him. She promptly left.

And even when he remarried (at least he dumped the old Mistress!), his new wife wasn’t much better. She made sure her Loser brood (trust me on this) took away all his time, energy and resources. Only with constant Prayer has our dad finally come around.

This is what men do sometimes: They assuage their guilt by making a Big Show about how they are Family Men. Then they wait until the kids are grown to move on. They have a Crisis. This is his Crisis. Sometimes they get over it. The weaker men don’t.

So, who was he cheating on before you were born? How did this woman appear? If there is a vast age difference between them, her daughter must be at least in her twenties if not thirties. HOW DOES THE DAUGHTER FEEL ABOUT HAVING A MAN AROUND DATING HER MOM WHEN HE COULD DATE HER? Listen, my DH is 15 years older than ME! Are you sure the two women aren’t just taking him for a little financial ride?

Your dad is angry all the time because he KNOWS he is wrong, he knows he is taken advantage of and he can’t justify it even to himself.

What you do: Pray. Prayer works. Get this situation on all the prayer groups in town, any religion or denomination will do. You’ll be surprised. Don’t entertain the other family. To you they don’t exist. Let your mother and father handle this. If anything, beg your mom to let you calmly get through Graduation. I will pray this situation if that’s OK with you. I know all the good people on these forums will also keep you in their hearts.

Blessings,

Ink