Forum Replies Created
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Hi Karla,
At the time, believe it or not, Depersonalization was actually a gift. A default survival setting of the brain. It’s like your Being said, “ENOUGH for this lifetime!” and shut down to protect you, or sent “You” out of your body.
Now that you’re ready to become “You” or “go back into your body”, it is time to tell “You” that it’s SAFE now!
Find a trained therapist in this, as this is beyond the forum’s ken.
Since I am a little hippy-dippy about things like this I would tell my body and brain, “THANK YOU for doing your job and protecting me in the only way you could at the time”.
Best,
Inky
Hi goalgetter,
You are not going to like what I have to say. At all.
Making demands of someone who has a small child is a little over the top.
And if you’re not married saying “OUR (!) financial situation” is a little over the top too. That would be “Our financial situationS”!! With an “S”.
And golf, as you know, is a sport that takes all day. All. Day. Even nine holes is a sizable block of time.
And yet, and yet, he’d rather do that (golf!!) than spend one on one time.
Don’t argue. Don’t twist his arm. Just say “See ya buddy!” until the kid is a teenager and he’s gotten over this golf phase. If it is one. If it’s not, God help you!
Inky
Hi gypsystar7,
Do everything Moongal says.
With us chicks, Talking About It/Dumping Her Directly can actually destroy the friendship if not leave carnage and the cost of war everywhere LOL.
The most important thing to do is to Change the Script (you being vague, giving her NO ammunition). Also, can you go on a trip? Fill up your time more? Change your schedule? Hang out with other friends? Say, “I’m not good company right now”? Get a “clogged ear from swimming” = “Whut? I can’t hear you!” Say, “I’m doing a practice of Talking Less and Listening More” (hint, hint, friend)?
Oh, I could go on and on! LOL! I have shed a friend or two in my lifetime, and no matter what, it WILL be awkward. But hopefully your friend will get a clue on her own!
Good Luck,
Inky
Hi Matt and Snails,
Thank you!!
There’s a quote “You don’t know what you don’t know until you know”.
Well, for FIVE YEARS the wife next door would have these “harmless” Bible studies. I thought the worst part was not celebrating holidays. But let me tell you, I almost went to Kingdom Hall myself and was impressed with how well they knew the text.
It’s ONLY when her DH talked like a pamphlet I that got that creepy Lifetime movie music feeling and looked the group up on the internet. To see a horror show s@!# storm!!
Now I feel like a dope and am kicking myself because in my hubris pride think I could have nipped this in the bud FIVE YEARS AGO with one simple PBS documentary! But then, they, too, have brains. It’s inconceivable that they never looked up or researched their own religious interest online. I mean we don’t even watch a movie without looking at reviews online.
If they ever bring it up, my other “spear” could be, “Can the JWs survive the internet?? NO ONE’S converting and EVERYONE’S leaving who has online access.” Leave THAT tempting fruit in their face!
Ironically, they visited our church and our pastor bored them and was a downer during his political statement talks. IF ONLY THE OTHER PASTOR WAS THERE my friends wouldn’t be JW students!!! LOL
P.S. It’s four days later, three after the “Siege” and the dad calls up to see if the boys can play. Or my DH would call and get the wife. All about the boys. I think they are either told to be afraid of me, are actually afraid of me, OR are secretly horrified at what I found out OR just wants this to go away!!
Anita ~ My best friend’s sister became a Witness. She was a “nice Jewish girl” so she made a quantum leap ~ from Judaism to JWs, bypassing regular Christianity. Ironically, she is the smartest one of all of us. To the point where I was questioning what made her “go there”. I think it is COMMUNITY. Lovely people. Like you said, they love Order and Simplicity. I had joked it must be the food. AND, more seriously, the sister gracefully bypassed all the holiday dramas and traumas by not showing up. Genius!
For the neighbors, they gave the wife COMMUNITY and the husband ATTENTION. I notice it’s a bit of a boy’s club. He gets to “Preach” and can have a little taste of “power”? I guess?? Also, the neighbors are smarter than they think they are, which grieves me. There are NO books in their house. And here are these people spoon feeding them “The Truth”.
Now, I never had cared until the husband starts talking like a pamphlet. Then they were saying how the JW’s don’t believe you have to go to college. Meanwhile, they have this son. VERY quick. VERY bright. DESERVES to go to college. And if they stay on this path, HE is the one that’s going to Question sooner rater than later. (Unless the dad has one of his typical anger-scenes, but this time in Kingdom Hall and ruins it for everyone.)
mook ~ WHERE do I go from here? How do I play my cards now? How to handle my son? How best to “snap them out of it”?? Or do I lay low and pray?
Hi anita,
I have thought about how I might be overreacting. But you know when you think “Oh, it’s not that bad” and then a horror story unwraps before your eyes?
I have one entertaining thought though: The family becomes baptized. A JW spy catches the father smoking. They haul him in front of a judicial committee. A 25 year old window washer Elder looks at him funny. The father explodes “THAT’S IT! FAMILY, WE’RE OUTTA HERE!” The wife is afraid to talk to the husband and also afraid not to. She eventually gets disfellowshipped because he has the car and she can’t make it to meetings or sneak out of the house. The year before the son goes to college and becomes Buddhist. The mother shuns him. He doesn’t notice.
😀
Inky
Hi Charlotte,
I heard a quote once, “I don’t care that you don’t love me because you don’t like my drapes.” Well, you can use that in any situation, even talking about/to yourself.
There’s the right thing to do, and you do it, even if you’re plagued by uncomfortable emotions. You have to separate your correct actions from your emotions. Say, “I am eating. I feel guilty for xyz. So what?” In fact, tell your emotions and brain, “So what?” every time they make you feel bad.
The breakthrough you had was strong and powerful! Of course you’re going to get “kickback”. In fact, expect it! “You know you’re on the right track when the Devil notices it!” is another quote I like.
Millions of women have an eating disorder, are on a diet, or are on a “regime” of “health”. Notice men don’t have this (as much). When we say, “I’m stopping the Food Rationing,” you are saying I Exist, I DESERVE to Exist, and there’s MORE TO LIFE, and I’m LIVING it!! Very, very powerful. Political, even.
Congratulations, and keep seeing that therapist who is GOLD!
Inky
Hi keteryan,
I hate when our intuition really IS right. Oh, holy gods, I’m sorry.
I don’t know what is worse ~ him not giving you a heads up way before, him leaving you for another girl, or him leaving you for another girl in Idaho.
OK, NO offence to people living in that part of the country, but seriously?!?
What I would do is make a joke out of it. When people say, “Oh, I’m so sorry” or anything, just roll your eyes and say, “Well, he’s the one stuck in Idaho.” Or, “Well, there always was something a little off about him.. I mean, with the whole Idaho thing.. LOL”. Or, “Yup! I was dumped for by a girl who convinced him to move to Idaho ~ What is wrong with me that I can’t compete with a girl from Idaho?!?!”
Just laugh, laugh and laugh at the absolute absurdity of it all.
You can even say, “Well, I hear he’s now bored with her and wants to get out, but she has the truck, so he’s truly stuck ~ in Idaho and can’t get out.”
For his birthday send him a package of Lay’s Potato Chips. With a note, “I’m sure you already have this, but you can never have too many!”
OK, I hope I made you laugh today!!!
Best,
Inky
Hi jj2013,
OK, some of the advice you may not like, but it can be kind of relevant in other aspects of life. Here we go:
1. Your DH was a little too immature to get married. Sure, he was the right age, but boys take a little longer to mature. Even in the ancient world in China he would still be (naturally) a momma’s boy no matter who his mother was. My own DH was devoted to his mother and she was revered. Thankfully for me, she was “normal”.
2. When you marry a person you are related to his family. You cannot make him “choose”. You’re asking him to make a choice where there is no choice.
3. Don’t lend money a second time. When you lend money (the first and only time) often, sadly, it turns into a “gift”. You may never see the money again. Let it go.
4. HE can deal with his family all he wants. YOU don’t have to deal with them at all! Tell him that you are taking a “break” from THEM. He can visit, but YOU do not want to hear about it OR hear what they have to say OR what they have done. You are jamming in your own happy universe!
5. Move back with your DH. You are his wife. Don’t let “them” win! YES, you CAN have your own happy marriage and not deal with them at all!
6. Train your DH to text them only once a day, call them only once a week and visit them only once a month for HIS OWN mental health reasons. TRAVEL during the holidays, see YOUR family, OR host your OWN dinner in your OWN house! If he wants to see them, though, HE can! I come from a “broken home” and am used to celebrating holidays NOT on the actual holiday!!
7. The ex… phhht, please! She will forever be in the wings with the mother and is probably not even interested! Let the mother have her fantasy!
8. Most of this problem will go away when you MOVE.
Blessings,
Inky
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 