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HelenParticipantMatt,
Thank you for pointing that out 🙂 The “over emphatic” sometimes leaks in because of my upbringing. Nikola wrote me a direct message earlier asking to please reply to his post. I felt a sense of responsibility and urgency so it came out over emphatic. In addition, my job has been a bit more energy draining in the last few days so I come from a place of “tired” rather than “well rested” when I wrote. With that, I must rest too 🙂
Nikola, I appologize if any of what I said offended in any way.
Yes, the shirt breathing does work. When the attack happens, and your thoughts start to race, your breathing becomes really shallow and the brain is not getting enough oxigen. The shirt will help “subdue” the air coming in when you take the deep breaths so that it does not shock you (this is the best way I know how to explain it). Just continue to take deep breaths until your heart stops racing and the tingling in your head subsides.
Helen
HelenParticipantNikola,
I am sorry for your suffering. What I am seeing in your posts is that you are caught in a cycle of “driving yourself crazy.” On the one hand you know this is all in your head, and on the other hand you are continuing with actions that are making it worse. Sometimes when a soul is in this state, it is best to stop everything and just go to a safe place and scream or cry, whichever you feel like you need to do. Your thoughts may be creating an avalanche of chemical buildup in your body and you may first need to release that in a safe way.
Another thing that that would be helpful is when you feel that “urge” to start looking up things, just stop. Resist. Do not do it. Sit. Breathe until the urge diminishes. Looking at those materials is obviously making your anxiety worse. Think of it this way – the urge comes, think “if I give in, how will that make me feel,” when you realize that it will make you feel more miserable the urge will slowly fade. This takes time an practice but the more you do it, the easier it will become.
One more pattern I am sensing in your posts is that you become fixated to things. Fixations bring on suffering. It is good that you are reading TinyBuddha and reaching out to the community, but be careful not to make this your lifeline. Yes, it is a place of comfort, but it is online, impersonal, and you may not always get an answer or get an answer in short time. Seeing your situation, I would highly recommend finding a good therapist with whom you can explore your feelings, and learn to manage your thoughts, in a controlled environment. Meaning, you will see them face to face, be able to have an immediate response discussion. Often, when someone has anxiety, anticipating a response on an online forum can make anxiety even worse. You reached out to me, but what if I was not able to respond for some reason that had nothing to do with you (had to be with my family, had a personal emergency, or just did not have an answer that would be helpful)? Having a therapist is a more reliable lifeline until you can learn to deal with your thoughts and emotions on your own.
Right now you are experiencing an upsurge of excitement because reading is helping and that is wonderful. Be mindful that you may crush again. This is not uncommon when someone has anxiety. What I learned is that if icky feelings come, I just have to allow myself to feel them for a time, let them wash over me. Inevitably peace comes again, and so goes back and forth. Nothing is permanent in life, including feelings.
Please consider what I said and seek a therapist at this time. It will help you tremendously to talk with someone in person who can teach you coping strategies (for both anxiety and anger). When I was in turmoil, my therapist was my saving grace. No amount of reading or online “connections” helped until I found her and was able to safely release and learn with someone who was trained to help me.
May you find peace and comfort.
HelenHelenParticipantLiberymojo,
You never have to explain or apologize for being yourself 🙂 I am learning that as well.
I know many medical doctors through my family (including my family) and can attest that they are some of the kindest, most thoughtful and caring people I know. It’s not your profession that defines you, it is your heart. And your heart seems pure and strong – you opened it up here and opened up to what others had to offer. That in Itself is what you can keep in mind.
I wish you much comfort, peace and joy on your journey.
With light and warmth,
HelenHelenParticipantLibery,
Thank you for opening up and sharing your heart. Sometimes this in itself is a release of pain and a beginning on a journey of healing. I am calling it journey because that is what it is. Sometimes we can heal quickly but often after an emotional blow it takes time, patience, and strong heart. First, I would say give yourself a little time to grieve fully. At this time, because I am myself going through some growth, my energy is not such that I can offer much more in terms of words. Your story spoke to me because I could identify with many aspects of it. Rest in knowing for now that you are heard, you are important, and you are not alone. Others who go through pain come out of it on the other side much stronger, and with renewed happiness and vitality in life. There is nothing that is permanent in life, not joy and neither pain.
I am certain you will get more voices singing with my small message. Keep your heart open and many wonderous things will flow in.
With light and warmth,
HelenHelenParticipantHyo,
In addition to the heartfelt wisdom everyone shared with you, there is on more thing that comes to heart for me. We always speak in terms of “having” kids as if children were yet another possession. I invite you to make a little shift and think of it in terms of whether you want to invite another being into the world who will share life with you. There is nothing quite as rewarding, joyfull, or challenging as being a parent. It’s not really about “having” kids as it’s about growing into a different sense of self. When you are a parent, you will connect so fully to another beeing that you will feel their joy, their pain, you will be the giver of love, the magic maker, then you will become the “bad guy” when your children go through teenage years, the best friend when they mature a little more, and you will have to go through the pain of letting go when they spread their own wings and start making their own life. And you will feel incredible joy when they are happy and incredible pain when they are not. And all of this is part of life and being a parent 🙂 Yes, as you said you can feel these emotions with “adopted” children as well, the little ones you come in contact with as a pediatric health care professional and adopted parent. For me, “having” my own daughter brings an extra boost of joy, so to say, because I can really see myself in her (we all call her a mini-me :)), she was born of me. I remember every moment, from the time she was concieved, how I felt her life force within my belly, her heart beat in rhythm with mine, the first moment we locked eyes, the first smile, first step, first word, first boo-boo, first insight, and am looking forward to so many more moments, both joyful and painful.
Yes, Hyo, you are radiant and heart strong. Your heart will guide you on your path 🙂
With light and warmth,
HelenHelenParticipantHelenParticipantI had a catharsis and my heart told me to share here with the Sangha. In contemplation I came to a realization that brought on a deep love, compassion and appreciation for my mother. I was able to see beyond deep into her heart and really feel what she must feel. Because I am light and warmth, have no fear, live in a female body, this leaves me vulnerable and my mother, who birthed me, nurtured me, loved me, sees this and has taken a role of protector, even to this day.
When I was 11, I almost became the subject of abuse of a family “friend.” When he was sliding his fingers along my panty edge, and I felt indescribeable fear, I remembered what my mother told me “if anyone ever touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, come straight to me and tell me.” I did. I told him I had to go to the potty and ran to my mother’s room and arms. She made sure the abuse never happened to me. When I was 16, I almost got kidnapped by a sex predator in the park. My mother was there and shooed him away (very emphatically and with impressive strength of heart). When I was in my 20s I married a man who once told me “I am drawn to you like a moth to a flame” and “you are the only one who can see beyond the dark creature that I am.” My mother saw the dark creature sucking my light away and tried to do whatever she could to save me. She cried with me, hugged and comforted me during the divorce, helped me in daily demands of single motherhood, and her strength allowed me to mourn freely, grow from this experience, and keep joy and light in my heart no matter what. My mother has eyes that see impurity clearly. I was often unaware of the lurking danger, being a smiling little girl who likes to be friendly with everyone. I grew into a woman who can see better now but to my mom I am still that little girl.
I still don’t agree with the vehicle of her love in the other aspect I discussed, but I am deeply humbled and grateful she is a constant presence in my life. Now, I can experience pure love with my amazing daughter, with my husband who has a pure heart (and who has my mother’s approval :)), and engage in a spiritual journey. Namaste mom and to all the moms out there 🙂 It takes true heart and courage to be a mother.
HelenParticipantNikola,
I do not know all the facts about you but from what I am reading here, you have a strong mind, vibrant, thoughtful, highly insightful, and willing to flex in the direction it needs to go to be healthy. Doctors often prescribe antianxiety or antidepressant medications because they are a quick fix, and in certain circumstances they are needed (if someone is so depressed or anxious that they have repeated panic attacks or are actively suicidal). But those are seldom meant to be a long term solution for someone unless they have a true chemical inbalance. Usually a thoughtful physician prescribes not only medication but therapy as well so that the patient can come to understanding of what caused the anxiety/depression and work on resolving the issue. Medication helps to calm the mind physically/chemically so the person can start doing the mental work. The docs usually say to take it for 6 months to 3 years depending on the person and how long it takes to establish new patterns so that the depression and anxiety do not come back. You esentially become armed with mental power and then slowly wean off the meds (and weaning slowly is crucial because stopping them abruptly can be life-treathening). I completely understand your apprehension regarding this.
To share my experience, maybe it will help, when I was going theough a divorce, I was experiencing much depression and anxiety and my doctor prescribed medication. At that time I felt strong enough to tackle the feelings with a good therapist and refused to take the meds. Fortunately my therapist was absolutely amazing, and I was a good student and VERY determined, that I was able to overcome those hurdles within a year without medication. I will always remember my last appoitment with her where she told me “Helen, you do not need me anymore, you have it all figured out. You are strong, you did the work, and you are free now.” I was so sad because I miss her to this day but I remember clearly all that I learned during our time together.
On another occassion, however, I was in a real pickle where EVERYTHING seemed to be thrown at me at once and I did not have the coping mechanisms in place yet so I took medication. Yes, it did stop the thoughts, yes it did calm me, but the true change came when I did the work. I noticed that the medication calmed me a little too much and I did not like that feeling, plus there are many side effects to live with when you take meds. I prefer working through the pain, if I can handle it.
So, in short, you have to consider your whole circumstances. How bad are the thoughts, do you need a little assistance to calm them before doing the work, or are you ready now to do it on your own? There is no right or wrong here, or shame to be experienced, it is just a matter of what you feel is right for you. (Also, I hope you were honest with your doctor and told him about the weed before he prescribed the meds to you – sometimes different substances can have interractions which can be very unpleasant and dangerous.)
Regarding meditation, there are many options to be found on YouTube. One I particularly like is Peace of Mind meditation (http://youtu.be/AVAUBYw951o). If this one does not appeal to you, you can search for peace of mind meditation and explore a few until you find one you can enjoy.
With light and warmth,
HelenHelenParticipantHi Michelle,
I had the same thing, when I created my profile it already had a picture. My friend told me that was because I had created an avatar through another site (I can’t remember which one it was but it was a generic one that uses this avatar for some other places that are connected to it; it might have been Gravatar). Tiny Buddha must somehow connect to this. I just uploaded a different picture, as you did to cover the one that was automatically there. Perhaps if you can remember if you created an avatar somewhere with the picture that popped up automatically you may be able to disable it.
Hope this helps and welcome to the Tiny Buddha forums 🙂
HelenHelenParticipantMatt,
I really like that visual of “giving space for the tender shoots of compassion to grow into thick roots.” It is one thing to come to a realization of something and another entirely to apply that realization and make it stick. As we encounter daily life, there are so many “challenges” that could easily throw us off our paths. It is almost like a need for constant meditation and inner reminder that “I am light and warmth.” Right now, I am filled with excitement and energy about this “growth spurt” but I have to also remind myself that as I grow I will encounter storms that I will have to weather. I will have to keep watering those tender shoots, and protecting them from the severe weather, in order for them to eventually grow those thick roots 🙂 Patience. Consistency. And yes, withdrawal from the world in order to recharge. Even though it is so young now, I can clearly see it manifesting (see the top of the mountain) and know it will be hard work, right action and thought, in order to climb through the forests, rocks, and other rough terrain. Along the way though, there are also flowers, animals, and much beauty to be enjoyed.
The story of Jesus – how beautiful. I read about it this week also. I love the way of that quiet resolve and outpouring of love in the midst of the worst thing that can happen to any human being. To see others with such compassion at such a time is awe-full, love-full, light-full, peace-full. I can see other people like that but had a more difficult time with my mom – because as you explained earlier, she was like “god” to me (grass is red she says, no it’s green my heart says and there was that battle). Extending the Metta to pass beyond this attachment and encompass her as just another being will make a tremendous difference. I am already seeing an effect of beginning of this practice. We had a very good conversation this morning – she did her little panicking about something I said and I smiled, remained light and warmth, and brought peace into the conversation. It did rattle a little bit at first, because of the established patterns, but I noticed it, breathed it, and continued with light. This beginning brings joy.
Namaste, yes: “I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Truth, of Light and of Peace. When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One.” You know what I am really contemplating about this – the last part “when you are in that place … and I am in that place … we are one.” It is so easy to be “one” when we are all in that place. The challenging part is to remain “one” when we find ourselves outside of that place. Like Jesus on the cross – he was in that place, they were outside of it, and he still saw them as one with him. Yes, it is a vision of potential, a vision of seeing the light in everyone no matter what kinds of stones they carry.
My mom tells me that I have no fear. Perhaps she is right, perhaps it is because I see the light in everyone despite the stones they carry. It is a good feeling and I do not want to lose it 🙂
Thank you again, thank you for sharing and helping me see into my heart.
With light and warmth,
HelenHelenParticipantMatt,
Dear brother, thank you 🙂 I needed to hear this. I am so grateful that you shine your light and help others find a path into theirs.
I noticed this “ickiness” but was not yet able to see it for what it was. This also explains why my reaction to it was deep sadness rather than anger. I see my mom’s suffering and I was taking it in. What is so sad is that she is not able to see how much I am already giving because she keeps pulling from me, and often things I am not able to give, or want to give.
Because sucess/failure was so ingrained into my life, putting it into perspective of “sucess=keeping the light shining and warmth flowing” really rings true for my heart and is something I can cultivate.
This also helps solve the hermit puzzle for me. Because I was seeing ickiness and pain, and taking it into my heart, I tend to pull away and keep my light from shining bright. When others came to me and asked, I always shared wisdom, and this shared joy as well. Perhaps it will continue this way for some time but it will no longer pain me. For when the student is ready the teacher will appear and when the teacher is able to give the student will appear.
I want to tell you as well that I really enjoyed Sharon Salzberg’s loving-kindness meditation. I especially liked how she points out not to start with the most difficult person in your life but to slowly build up to it. So true.
Namaste. With light and warmth,
HelenHelenParticipantNikola,
Dear brother, you are quite normal and most likely not Schizophrenic. People who think they are one thing or not, and are extreemely paranoid about it, are most likely not it. If you want to put your mind at ease, go to a professional and get tested. Sometimes this will greatly relieve anxiety and start aiding in putting your mind to rest.
I will share this with you, and maybe it will help a little bit. When I was a student of Psychology in college, I had all kinds of mental ailments. In my head that it. It is a known fact that students, or those who read about these things, identify with what they read and believe they are “sick” which in turn can produce much anxiety. In truth, there are very few definites, and we all fall on the spectrum somewhere on the scales of “ilnesses.” This just is. Maybe knowing this will help.
The second part that is of note is the weed. Any mind-altering substances can wreck havock on you. I am not for or against weed (I choose not to use it because I do not like the effects of it) but I will ask you to reread what you said about how it makes YOU feel. High, low. Would it not be nicer if you could achieve this “high” naturally and then sustain it? When you learn to achieve balance in your thoughts, which takes a lot of practice, patience, insight, you will come to realize that you do not need, or crave, any outside substances to make you happy as you are.
Perhaps starting by taking a regular meditation practice would be beneficial for you. Rather than analyzing your thoughts observe them, let them pass through you, and learn to introduce “healthier” thoughts into your mind.
With light and warmth,
HelenHelenParticipantMark,
Thank you 🙂
Your words reminded me that I have a long way to go and I am very grateful for having found this community.
It is so easy to waver. I am working on that stability and am just at the bottom of the mountain. Sometimes I feel that I am so full of joy that I am going to explode into space and disperse into infinite particles, like a joy shower all over the world, touching all beings. Then other times I feel so small that I disappear into nothingness, melt into nothing, non-existence. Very visual in my head, almost like I am lost inside the universe of my own mind.Metta was mentioned many times in this Sangha, as you so appropriatelly called it, and I find this practice is helping tremendously for my particular suffering. Baby steps.
For understanding the true meaning of The Buddha, The Dharma, and The Sangha, I started reading buddhanet.net and accesstoinsight.org along with reading what is shared on this forum and articles from TinnyBuddha site. Although, I found that many times, just sitting and quetly reflecting on everyday life is a great teacher as well. Hopefully whoever reads this thread will find some wisdom in what was shared and be able to apply it to their own circumstances.
We are all each other’s teachers as well as each other’s students at the same time.
Thank you for sharing yourself and your wisdom 🙂
With light and warmth,
HelenHelenParticipantMark,
I appologize for being so poetic, I tend to do that (I wrote quite a bit of poetry when I was younger so this romanticism of language sticks with me when I write). Simply put, after I read Matt’s initial response, I sat with what he said and the longing and realized that it stems from low self esteem – I long to accept myself as I am and be ok with who I am. Disecting the little details (mostly my parents and upbringing) and contemplating on the specifics with poetic visuals (thank you, Matt) the core of it came to light. Now, it is a matter of using methods suggested to strenghten a new way of being, someone with healthy self-esteem, accepting myself and loving myself no matter what I hear from the outside world. This will take a lot of time and patience.
And I have to tell you something very funny – I am only this poetic when I write. I tend to be quiet most if the time (the beauty of working in a library) so when I speak I chose my words carefully and they are usually much clearer 🙂
I hope this helps a little bit to understand this conversation-thread.
With light and warmth,
HelenHelenParticipantAnd oh, I adore the visual of Buddha using Facebook and Jesus driving a stick shift! I had a nice belly laugh on that one 🙂
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 