Dear Tessa

What a weight you have on your shoulders and to be honest it appears it is only going to get heavier in some ways, especially your mothers condition.

I guess you need firstly is to sit down and think how you can support your father without endangering your own health both mentally, physically & financially. ie you could decide to say every other Sunday you purchase food & cook for the family and do other household chores. Doing this with a good heart is the best gift you can give your family.

I agree with manbuddha’s comments a frank conversation with your dad will probably be good for both of you as he will feel less isolated and heard and he may have a couple of suggestions on what he would like help with.  I look after my 92yr old father by myself 24/7 who has dementia and the thing I would love help with is somebody doing the dishes.

kind regards

Roberta

Dear SeaTurtle

Just a quick post about going to the block party…… Yes there is a lot of pressure to drink alcohol at this time of year and these kinds of occasions plus it is common for people to dull both physical and emotional pain with alcohol. Also it seems that suicidal tendency can be strong on New Years eve/ day (my uncle committed suicide then).

I wanted to give up alcohol in late 2008 and chose to do it as a new years resolution, which made it more acceptable to those around me, people who drink often feel uncomfortable around abstainers, because they do not want to look at their own lifestyle choices. Over that last festive period I swapped to spritzers and shandies which I poured myself & that way I managed to dilute it so the alcohol content was minimal. I also did a lot of ” designated driver”  as it is the acceptable face of abstinence.

I wish you all the best

Roberta

Dear Natalia

What a brave and compassionate person you are giving your father a place to live in your home.

Does your father still drink alcohol?  I gave up alcohol nearly 15 years ago and now that I am in charge of the household we no longer have it in the house apart for the odd occasion when people I am entertaining bring it. Along side abstinence, good nutrition  is important to help the body heal. Chronic alcoholics are typically deficient in vitamin B1 (thiamine), vitamin B6, vitamin B9 (folate), and vitamin A[3]. Even in small amounts, drinking alcohol raises stomach acidity levels and reduces the ability to absorb nutrients through the stomach mucosa and small intestine.  Coconut Oil may also be helpful my dad has 35mls melted into his breakfast each day ( it took about 3 days to kick in).

I wish you all the best

Roberta

What if any health issues does your dad have?

Buddhist texts encourage us to have gratitude for all that our parents have done for us, this is something that many in these modern times struggle with. So general teachings on interdependence and gratitude may be more helpful.

Dear Lou92

I hear your pain and worries and I hope that you will also get support from other forum members.

Living & loving someone who has regular depressive episodes is hard, but when someone goes into a longer episode than previously experienced this can be both frustrating & frightening for all parties. Fortunately your husband has managed to keep working many people in his position end up losing their jobs putting further pressure on relationships & mental health.

I hope that you can find a local support group to help you and that you meet up with people who are going thru the same situation as you.

I have noticed that sometimes people who have been together for many years get married to try & fix whats missing from their relationship both with themselves & their partner, but what it actually does is shine a light on the cracks they were trying to cover up.

I have to go and pick my grandson up from school so sorry this has been such a short post

Dear Joohi

As you and your family are living in the West in particular the USA I make the following observations from that stand point.

1 calling someone stupid is abuse (Actions can be described as stupid but not the person)

2 Stopping some one going to work and earning money – coercive behavior – abuse

3 Not approving a relationship due to ethnicity is racism

4 Your father getting mad at your mum for your choices is worrying

So I agree whole heartedly  with Anita about finding your own space & how to do it this way you will not have the guilt of lying about your living arrangements.

You are lucky that you have a kind & understanding supervisor

Dear Greenshade

I get where you are coming from, wanting the support and safe space from your ex.

My history was I fell in unrequited love as teenager& then a couple of decades later had a decade on off relationship with that first love. Then for the next decade  I would feel the urge/pull to be with him and about once a year we would be in each others company for a couple of hours. Just before I decided to remain celibate for life I wanted one last night with him as I wanted him to be the last person I was intimate with, but I realized that it would be unfair to both of us. Like you I live with my parents/parent I looked after mum with cancer now passed and my dad has dementia so I have an inkling into your sadness. It was the buddhist teachings on relationships that helped me get thrutough times & momements of weakening in my resolve not to take solace in unskillful things & relationships.

I wish you all the best and it will get easier, just hold on to your resolve to look after yourself both physically & emotionally.

Dear Livy

Please can I clarify a couple of things.

Is the gentleman in question still living with his family?

How far apart do you live?

How long did you leave it after your arrival home before you accused him of ghosting you?

regards Roberta

Dear Matt

I am sorry that your first long term relationship has come apart. Most people use unskillful means to deal with issues and then those means become yet another issue that needs dealing with on top of the original problem. ie has social anxiety then uses alcohol as a relaxant to the extent that addiction eventually occurs.

Over the coming months it is to be expected that you see saw in your feelings, wants & needs and that is ok, you are going thru a  bereavement for the relationship that you had and your dreams & expectations of a future.

Do you know whether your ex would be open to couples counselling?

Instead of therapy being an either or situation solo versus couples maybe the two of you could embark on both?

I have used buddhist teachings and meditation to help me act more skillfully and in line with my core values.

After 15 years I am happier, more compassionate & open ( yes there are still times where I fall momentary into old habits) but they are fewer & less intensive but I am able to reassure myself gently & kindly unlike the harsh inner critic of the old days.

Wishing you the best,

Roberta