Hi Tara

I read your post with interest, parts of your post reminded me of myself many many decades ago.

In my early twenties I did not want to waste my time on being in  relationships that were plainly not going anywhere, normally after a couple of weeks I could discern that there was alcohol, gambling or early warning signs of anger issues etc and like you I was the one who terminated the relationships.  I did business studies at college for a year – hated it, joined a firm of accountants as good with figures but this did not light up my soul.

Please tell me about the things that stimulate and bring you joy.  having a high paid job which makes you miserable will not bring you happiness in either the short or long term. What is the point of being successful if it does not bring you real happiness? Many people find satisfaction & friendship in volunteering.  Buddhism talks about the 8 worldly concerns and once we put them aside life has so much more to offer. You tube sravasti abbey has short talks on this topic, I have been listening to their talks for many years and have found them inspiring & informative.

What do you look for in relationships & friendships?

Shunryu Suzuki quote

Each of you is perfect the way you are … and you can use a little improvement.

Wishing you the best in your journey of finding meaning in your life.

Roberta

Dear David

Well done for taking the first steps on detoxing your digital input.

I agree with you that excessive use of technology has all the hallmarks of addiction. Like ignoring things & people, continuing use even when the enjoyment factor is no longer there.

Making the decision to use media as a tool rather than a prop.

I delete games that I consider that I play too much. Also unscribed to emails that are not purposeful. I am not on facebook which sometimes can be a disadvantage for local community activities.

I also switch off from my laptop an hour before I go to bed and i read something purposeful for at least half hour before sleep.

Spending more time outside and lhaving meaningful interacts also help

Good luck with your journey.

Roberta

Dear Jim

Just because you are both nice people & care for each other does not mean that you have/should to stay in a relationship.

Your girlfriend has complex issues and yes she needs support but from professionals, there is a place in Scotland called Lothlorian House which offers residential places.

Your own anger & frustration will only grow ( which is not healthy for either of you) you will end up not liking yourself.

Emotional blackmail is still emotional blackmail and colluding will only increase its frequency. You can cheerlead her from the sidelines but not get into the scrum.

Best wishes

Roberta

Dear Going Through Life

Thoughts & emotions arise & if not fed pass away fairly quickly.  So it will be natural for your mind to turn to SK in a variety of ways over the coming months. The trick is discern which  ones are helpful and be aware that they can change to unhelpful if pondering/ daydreaming continues for an extended period, if you have seen the film Gremlins, where the characters are cute & cuddly but change into vicious beasties under certain conditions.

At the start of our meditations we say 3 phrases May all beings be happy. May all beings be free from suffering. May they abide in equanimity. this is a shortened simplified version of a traditional Buddhist version.  Would you want SK to be still with you even if she was unhappy in the relationship and conversely would you still want to be in a relationship with SK and you be unhappy?

As for my core values  by my mid 30,s I was single, 2 children had employment & a roof over my head and that was when I asked that question of myself How do I want to live my life? I wrote something flowery like I want to walk gently upon this earth. If I have the choice between doing right and wrong, choose right. If there is  choice is between neutral and  right choose right.  If the choice is between doing wrong & neutral choose neutral. May I treat everyone like a family member. Whizz on a number of years a came across a book on buddhisim and the penny dropped Oh that’s what I am. I had found my home, this has given me a framework  – Study /Contemplation, Meditation & Ethical conduct.

Taking inspiration form the Muslims of stopping through the day at regular intervals for prayers,  doing similar gives me a chance to review my conduct/mind  of the previous few hours and then making amends etc. and re -centres me in my core values this way I am less likely to be swayed from them.

I hope this has answered some of your questions

Kind regards Roberta

Dear Sunoo

Please can I ask why wasn’t one of your options was –  to leave your 5th sister at home and  you come home for the weekends to pick up any chores that your mother is struggling with.  If you found your mum was happy & coping you could expand your commute to once a fortnight or even monthly.

During Covid lockdown I lived with my son daughter in law & grandson. I helped with childcare, washed dishes & did laundry. I had both company & time to myself when ever I pleased. Maybe it is up to your other sisters to sort out how they are going to function & be more supportive if necessary of your mum once you have left home?

Kind regards

Roberta Aged 60+

Dear Sunoo

Please can I ask what makes you think that your mother will not cope/flourish if you are not there.

What are you specifically trying to protect your mother from? ie what do you perceive her burdens to be and has she informed you what she feels her burdens if any are?

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels.

Common advice is to join a club doing something you like or volunteering. Both of these activities are good as they take us away from the unrealities of cyberworld and connect us to real people & places. I prefer to volunteer, as clubs can be quite competitive.

Having a negative bias has been  a necessary part of our survival instincts from the beginning of humankind without it we would have become extinct as a species a long time ago.  Most people have no interest in becoming more aware about  how humans function on a biological/psychological scale and therefore just pinball through their lives without considering that a more compassionate and wise way of living is possible for both themselves and or society.  I hope that you will come to feel that the people of Tiny Buddha land are your electronic tribe who compassionately care about each others well-being.

kind regards

roberta