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RobertaParticipantHi
Some glitch with my laptop. So hope this post gets thru
Hello loneliness my old friend (Thich Nat Han) Knowing now that loneliness will arise and dissipate I just need patience/forbearance, where as many moons ago I would do something unskillful to alleviate the feeling and thus more often than not create some negative karma.
RobertaParticipantDear Adam
I tell beginner mediators that it takes roughly as long to unpick/heal as it has being going on.It is more like an ultra marathon than a hundred meter sprint. So each time you ruminate or daydream on this relationship becoming something it is not, you are actually adding extra unnecessary distance to the journey.
A technique is to get a clear jar put some water in it plus a bit of earth and a stick to stir it.
When you think about this woman stir – the water becomes cloudy ( just like your judgement) You can hold it at arms length and just watch it settle if another thought of her arises re stir after a while you may recognize that this is hard work! Eventually you will decide to put the jar down and not pick it up after the first stir but watch the water clear from a comfortable distance. Thoughts arise and disappear without the need to cling to or repress them.
Also look at Eckart Tolle talk on youtube about the painbody its very interesting and it gave me a different perspective on how to relate to a certain aspect of my being.
May 28, 2023 at 8:46 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #419441RobertaParticipantDear Dafne
Like many people before you including myself we seek happiness in the exact opposite direction to where we should be looking . a buddhist phrase is” like licking honey off a razor blade sooner or later your going to suffer” so the question is how many times are you going to get cut before you learn?
read Portia Nelsons poem ” I walk down the street” this has been used by several buddhist teachers as a more modern take.
Tee & Helcat are very wise women who always try to nurture a strong sense of healthy independence in all.
RobertaParticipantHi Adam
Now that you are away from an unsatisfactory relationship it is time for you to explore healthy ways of self soothing whilst you heal.
You can use your daydreaming more as a positive guided visualization meditation. There are many books that supply a different meditation for each day of the year if you are easily bored or if you wish to concentrate on giving up smoking weed (addiction) then a more specific program like the 12 steps might help.
Also is there anything else other than being in a relationship that you would like to achieve or gives you joy in a positive healthy way?
Try spending at least 15 minutes in a natural environment each day. When ever I am in a city I look for a green space to help decompress me from the stress of being in a busy environment. In one town the closest space to me was a very small graveyard, but it still helped me become centered and grounded. At work I asked by boss if I could install a small quiet space for myself & co workers in a unused area of the building & since it did not cost them anything they went for it. It was much appreciated by staff & residents alike.
RobertaParticipantDear James
Aboriginal, celtic, tibetan, chinese & native American to name but a few have animal spiritualism so maybe either look at a particular spiritual wisdom that you are drawn to ie Native Americanism or alternatively if you are drawn to a particular animal you could investigate the role they play within each tradition.
RobertaParticipantHi
The Richard Wagamese’s meditation is reminiscent of the feeling that I very occasionally would get when doing Tai Chi a flow, a connection harmony and balance , still, yet moving allowing everything nothing being rejected.
RobertaParticipantHi Tim
I guess we all have to learn active listening and how to support & uplift the people around us.
We cant change the past but we can make a better future.
RobertaParticipantDear Tim
There is a difference between being strong and being good. If some one says to you, you are strong and and when you reply that you are not. Surly you might feel that you are not being listened to and actually being seen as strong is a burden because how then can you ask for help?
RobertaParticipantDear Tilmar
The chemical/emotions could also be a two way street so sometimes the emotions cause chemical changes and sometimes the emotions trigger chemical changes. check out research into mind gut connection & also heart mind.
It is interesting that when one points to oneself we usually point to the heart area and not the head and when we say someone has gone screwy we point to the head and do a circular motion. We also have phrases like gut instinct and heartbreak, warm hearted or a heart of stone.
RobertaParticipantDear Adam
Please do not take what I say as a reason to go back into an abusive relationship.
It appears from what you have said that there was a cycle to her. Woman do have a hormonal cycle and this can exaggerate & trigger behaviors.
Many people do not recognize this and therefore can not take steps to help ease the situation also it can be a very touchy subject as timing is crucial when broaching it.
When I was young there was a couple of days of the month where I was horny as hell ( this clouds judgement) and then about a week or so later it would swing the other way where I was emotional, but also could not bare to be touched ( this stage also clouded my judgement). Then my period would arrive (relief ).
RobertaParticipantDear Tim
I am sorry that your relationship came to an end. You appear to have learnt a lot and have take good steps to improve your physical & mental wellbeing.
I guess you keep on looking after yourself for yourself and not with the goal of getting the lady back & I hope she is doing the same. Maybe you could wait until Christmas before you approach her by sending her a card maybe thanking her for the good things that she brings to this world & wishing her well for the future. She may of course reach out to you in the meantime.
RobertaParticipantHi
I just read Tilmar & Peter’s posts.
I have found that Thich Nat Han Walking meditation s are excellent particularly the one walking with the emotion. This is my go to one when strong emotion arises it acknowledges whats going on and soothes without suppressing of denying the emotion.
Peter your post reminded me of the song ” a horse with no name” by America
On the first part of the journey<br aria-hidden=”true” />I was looking at all the life<br aria-hidden=”true” />There were plants and birds and rocks and things<br aria-hidden=”true” />There was sand and hills and ringsThe first thing I met was a fly with a buzz<br aria-hidden=”true” />And the sky with no clouds<br aria-hidden=”true” />The heat was hot and the ground was dry<br aria-hidden=”true” />But the air was full of soundI’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name<br aria-hidden=”true” />It felt good to be out of the rain<br aria-hidden=”true” />In the desert you can’t remember your name<br aria-hidden=”true” />’Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain<br aria-hidden=”true” />La la la la la la…After two days in the desert sun<br aria-hidden=”true” />My skin began to turn red<br aria-hidden=”true” />And after three days in the desert fun<br aria-hidden=”true” />I was looking at a river bed<br aria-hidden=”true” />And the story it told of a river that flowed<br aria-hidden=”true” />Made me sad to think it was deadYou see I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name<br aria-hidden=”true” />It felt good to be out of the rain<br aria-hidden=”true” />In the desert you can’t remember your name<br aria-hidden=”true” />’Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain<br aria-hidden=”true” />La la la la la la…After nine days I let the horse run free<br aria-hidden=”true” />’Cause the desert had turned to sea<br aria-hidden=”true” />There were plants and birds and rocks and things<br aria-hidden=”true” />There was sand and hills and ringsThe ocean is a desert with its life underground<br aria-hidden=”true” />And a perfect disguise above<br aria-hidden=”true” />Under the cities lies a heart made of ground<br aria-hidden=”true” />But the humans will give no loveYou see I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name<br aria-hidden=”true” />It felt good to be out of the rain<br aria-hidden=”true” />In the desert you can’t remember your name<br aria-hidden=”true” />’Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain<br aria-hidden=”true” />La la la la la la…Thank you all very much<br aria-hidden=”true” />Take care of yourselves, take careMay 23, 2023 at 6:56 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #419093RobertaParticipantDear Dafne
I have been married twice and have a child from each one. I was also what could loosely be described as a Wild child.
I have come across several women who have struggled with intimacy due to parents being either cold or saying that sex is wrong/dirty & not to be enjoyed and definitely not to be indulged in before marriage. Also historically rape within marriage was not considered at all, you belonged to your husband and he could do almost what he liked whenever he liked, the woman just had to lay back and think of Britian! Womans sensuality has nearly always been ignored.
I have not a clue about predestination and I know that karma is a vast and complicated subject.
As for the man in question I would give him a wide berth as I doubt he will change his perception of women or even be interested in trying to.
In buddhism we have a precept about not indulging in sexual misconduct which I held for many years until I upgraded it to celibacy.
I wish you all the best
Roberta
May 22, 2023 at 5:51 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #419069RobertaParticipantDear Dafne
Have you considered sperm donation that way you can become a mother without having to wait find an obliging partner.
I have had a desire to become a buddhist nun for nearly 15 years and had hoped to achieve that by my 50th birthday ( a decade ago) my Lama said I would have to wait until I retire which means I have got another 8 years to go, but in the meantime I live as an undercover plain clothed nun, ie I dont consume alcohol or have sexual/romantic relationships.
Looking after my dad is now the focus of my spiritual practice as I do not have the time/freedom for much formal practice.
So I guess it is more about making the most of our present situation.
May 17, 2023 at 1:14 pm in reply to: I am afraid that my mental health issues will be the end of my relationship. #418840RobertaParticipantDear Karl
I would imagine to be in a polyamourous relationship one would have to not have any issues over jealousy.
If one has any issues or triggers that kind of open relationship would probably be a complete minefield.
I am not sure how this relationship will help you in the longterm with your healing unless you both agree on monogamy and you are also proactive on improving your wellbeing.
In future you both should make your communication clear and not try to second guess or read more into them to help stop further misunderstandings such as coming across as jealous or needy.
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