Dear Confused

Have you come across Eckart Tolle & Pain Body, he has talks on this subject on you tube. It may help you get a slightly different take on your situation
Roberta

Hi
I think it was Shurin Suzuki said ” We are all perfect & we could all do with some improvement”
Ah master Wabi sabi it is your imperfections that make you beautiful.

Dear Robi
Putting aside the girlfriend & other issues. Have you ever felt a strong attraction to a place, somewhere that feels like home to your heart, where you feel safe but not suffocated, inspired instead of bored, this also goes with how you feel about work & the people in your life? To look at the big picture rather than the individual pixels.
I wish that you find your joy
Roberta

Hi Thomas
A short clip on Meditation & Music

One of my teachers said to view all sounds as the sound of Dharma which was very helpful when we had a construction site literally just the other side of the door of the shrine room.

Dear Thomas

Gosh I just read your post gave me a jolt. I am sincerely hoping that Anita & AI are right that it is a quote from a song.
I have lost a granfather & an uncle to suicide, one of my motherlaws was a serial suicidee & its is only by a miracle that a close friend didnt loose their life during a psychotics episode a few years ago.
I hope you are safe & well
Roberta

Hi Confused

Yes it is hard to focus on anything for extended periods especially if it is something we think we might not enjoy or find boring.
One of the more modern takes on meditation is that in general most people can only concentrate in short bursts so to do 3 mins of mindfullness/meditation is a lot easier & more likely to accomplish a long term sitting practice than forcing yourself to sit straight away for 30+ mins in an unusual position every day.
When I was about to do a prostrations 100,000 in all I received some good advice from someone who had already accomplished it (you must not miss a day if you do you go back to the beginning). It was do 3 prostrations for 3 days running, then do 6 prostrations for 6 days then 12 prostrations for 12 days etc, by the time I went into my three month retreat I was fit & could concentrate for longer periods & was eventually able to do 1,000 a day.
One of the tools I use when teaching beginners is a clear glass jam jar, a little bit of ground/dirt, water & a stick.
Our jar is like the body, the wisdom mind is the water & the dirt ( or you could use glitter) for instance could be seen as thoughts, sensations & emotions. When a thought etc arises stir the water with the mud in it, then sit back & watch it settle, each time a thought etc arises give it a stir. This way you can see how if we ruminate on something there is little chance for the wisdom & clarity to show itself.
A further additional part of this experimentation into self exploration, is to hold the jar out at arms length & it doesn’t take long for your arm to ache & what a sensation of relief when you put it down. With painful/ non helpful thoughts imagine that the jar is wrapped in barbed wire, why would you pick it up in the first place, yet alone grasp it tightly & refuse to put it down.

At one retreat I went on our teacher said “right we are going to meditate for half an hour on the breath & I will give you a million pounds at the end of the session, but every time you loose concentration you loose £1,000.” Needless to say none of us managed to hold our awareness solely on the breath for very long.

Dear Confused

When we consciously stop for those few breathes, we are training our mind to go where we want it to, in this case awareness of the breath in & out of our nostrils. What it offers is peace in that moment, past & future drop away.
Roberta