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JasonParticipant@tash said:
Hello 🙂Today my cat was laying in her box… just laying there for hours — waiting for the rain storm to pass before going back on a hunt.
I was shocked that I stood still to watch her laying still for as long as I did.
I got married because I was bored with dating.
I had kids because I got bored with all my hobbies.
I sing and write music – but I get bored with it easily and want to be in an even better choir – traveling the country… or better yet – the world!
Someone said I had trouble ‘sitting with myself’. I would been working an ACA program for people who grew up in dysfunction of any sort or alcoholic homes. We learn to expect chaos – and need it to feel normal. It’s a drag. I am getting so much better personally – at staying in the moment, and enjoying the person I am, or in other words – my own company stripped of people, bling, stuff, boats, campers etc etc (funny I did the same thing with campers and boats and lake houses etc). I suppose I craved the calm – and in my mind – it was great, but when I got there – it was not how I thought it would be. It was work, I couldn’t sit and enjoy anything at all…
Today I am compelled to pull over the car and watch the sunset alone.
I can sit on the porch of said lake house and listen to nature. I can spend time with people connecting instead of fantasizing or entertaining or being ‘a monkey’.
It’s better.
I hope this for you. xxxx
I have been working towards this for what seems like forever but actually only abut a year or so. I made a promise to myself that i would “stop and smell the roses” and i have kept that promise daily. The time i spend alone, observing, admiring i find leaves me feeling like a fake. I sit quietly trying to truly see the beauty of this world, finding beauty in the norm but come away unfulfilled. I feel like i am trying to convince myself this is what i want rather than feeling the reward of the stillness. Dont get me wrong; i have made progres. I am not the man i was 3 years ago. I am better, stronger more loving and compassionate. But alway find myself leaning back to what has worked for me in the past as I do not know how to exist in this new role i have sought.
JasonParticipantthank you all for your insightful suggestions (Matt) some of those things hit home and i will work on being “present” I do fixate on the future/past. What exactly is being “present” just think about the day in what ever current emotional state you are in? Do not ponder how to make it better?
(Mike) Yes i would say yes i am content/satisfied with what i have, that is what is breeding my restlessness. I have been going,going,going for so long and one day everything i had worked for had been realized. Now i struggle with not know how to move through life without purpose. Or feeling without purpose since i have nothing to strive for. Sure i can always find something else to go after that will pacify for a while until it is completed then i am right back where i am now. Want to learn to live happily and find a purpose for this half of life that does not represent “acquisition” a purpose that will carry me through to the end of my journey. I know i can take up hobbies but what i am finding is my excitement for the hobbies i use to enjoy is no longer there.
As for doing charity I started a dental practice that only sees medical assistance pt’s. I feel i do have meaning in my work but it is the down time and the lack of enjoyment i get from my free time that activities, I just want my old jovial self back and am searching for a way to do that.JasonParticipantbest book (finding meaning in the second half of life)
JasonParticipanti can completely relate as i too am a fighter or just finished fighting. There is no way to overcome the fear except to keep on keeping on. I am no doubt older than you 39 and have been training mma for little over 2 years with no previous fighting experience. I did this as a personal test with no future hopes for the sport. I learned several things. 2 weeks before my first fight got injured and had to have neck surgery. six month later the comeback was difficult but incredibly rewarding. The first thing to remember is you WANT to be getting your ass kicked in the gym! this is how you get better, If you are not it is time to move to another gym.
In my case i fight at heavyweight and was getting the crap kicked out of me by a 155 pounder 4 time golden glove champ. and yes i too was brought to tears when i was knocked out in the gym during a sparring session just as i began to feel like i was making progress. It really shows you how much you have yet to learn.Remember you only cry in those moments when you have left it all on the mat!!! if you were not dedicating 100% to what you were doing you would not be crushed when you fail. this is not a moment of weakness this is a moment to recognise that your are training as hard as you should be.
the next thing to remember is when i was going into my first fight my coaches had more faith in me than i did. they put me against the number 9 ranked amature heavy weight in mn. this was my first fight and to be thrust against a ranked fighter can be intimidating. then i remembered something, I get my ass kicked every day by some of the states best fighters! and i train harder than 90% of the guys in my gym, I gave a full 8 week fight camp with clean eating and close to 20 hours a week of training boxing, jiu jitsu, muay thai, wrestling and cardio. YOUR TRAINING BUILDS YOUR CONFIDENCE! if you have given it everything in the gym you will be nervous but confident in your fight. if you are a week out and are saying man i should have done more sprints, i shouldn’t have eaten so much last week then you know you are not ready! you did not prepare properly and therefor will be scared. if you done everything right at the end of your fight camp “you will have the eye of the tiger” you will be focused, pissy and mean. you will not want to train another minute, you will be itching to get in the cage and bang! nerves are a part of the game, fear is not, if you are fearful you just need more time, this does not mean you are not cut out for it or that you are weak just need more time to hone your skills period, end of story.
this sport is so mental! do a search for mental toughness and practice it every day the difference is winning and losing as i can atest to. I did win my first fight and at age 39 with a record of 1-0 became the 9th ranked heavyweight in my state. I simply would not be denied, i took everything he had and quitting never entered my mind, i was cut, bleeding and one eye closed in an all out war and i made him quit i scored a 2nd round tko against an undefeated fighter. I was literally too tired to tired to celebrate but no way i was quitting (i was right mentally for this fight).
My second fight was different, i had nothing to fight for i had already accomplished everything i wanted in the sport. i was ranked, in better shape and my all around game was better but i only took the fight as i felt i was expected to. like i said this was just for fun for me, a hobbie. I really didn’t want to fight and it showed i lost to strikes on the ground to a far less fighter. i was superior in every way but mentally was not in it i was looking for a way out. yes it is frightening fighting in front of thousands of people but remember you are the one getting in the cage, the people are there to see you win or lose. Mma fans are awesome especially at the amature level. I felt worse about myself not leaving it all in the cage then the fans did. they told me good job even though i lost. YOU ARE NOT DOING IT FOR THEM this is for you. keep working hard, and add the mental preparation into your training. if your afraid this is not telling you to quit it is telling you that you need more time. you will know when you are ready and do not take a fight until you are.
good luck
Jasonp.s. there is no shame in asking your sparring partner to turn it down a notch so you can work. it is equally important to be able to work your movement as it is to prove you can take a punch. your coaches should know this and be monitoring this. at no point is it ok for a superior teammate to hand out a beat down in sparring. your teammates are there to help you. if this is not the case in your gym i would consider another gym.
JasonParticipantthank you guys/gals 🙂 i will work on it.
JasonParticipantThank you all for you wisdom and i will be taking into consideration all of the advise in order to progress forward. Ruminant I want to thank you in very much as well for such an insightful post. This journey is as difficult as anything i have taken on in the past. I find it troublesome in the way that i never really know what it is that is wrong or at the very least have difficulty quantifying it but certainly know that things are not exactly right. I was told by a Jungian philosopher and author that happiness is not all that we have all imagined, that life is more about finding meaning. “If you can fill your days with meaning that is about as good as it gets.” My work days are full of meaning, i receive tremendous gratification in what i do. But have trouble finding the meaning outside of work. This is where the sitting silent comes in. The two things i have in my life outside of work and my pursuit of accolades are my two children. These two are the loves of my life and i spend a great deal of time with them. This affection for them also breads anxiety in me as i do not want to be so developed with my children that i have not fully developed without them and will eventually feel empty when they are grown and gone. How does one nurture the meaning in ones life without becoming dependent on it? Is the time sitting alone suppose to be meaningful or is this just the time between meaningful events that i am just suppose to learn to be comfortable in? Or am i just WAY over thinking things and just not being in the moment thinking bout the future?
JasonParticipant1: charismatic, funny and articulate (is that one or three things?)
2: more afraid of not trying than failing.
3: a motivated doer, I have accomplished things most people would never consider
4: very compassionate towards the needs of others
5: I love that i have finally found the career that is just right for me.
Im gonna go six.6: Love that i am the father to two children that are the loves of my life.
thanks, i needed that!
JasonParticipantI have been working towards this for what seems like forever but actually only abut a year or so. I made a promise to myself that i would “stop and smell the roses” and i have kept that promise daily. The time i spend alone, observing, admiring i find leaves me feeling like a fake. I sit quietly trying to truly see the beauty of this world, finding beauty in the norm but come away unfulfilled. I feel like i am trying to convince myself this is what i want rather than feeling the reward of the stillness. Dont get me wrong; i have made progres. I am not the man i was 3 years ago. I am better, stronger more loving and compassionate. But alway find myself leaning back to what has worked for me in the past as I do not know how to exist in this new role i have sought.
JasonParticipantI feel you and have also experienced the same emotions, low self esteem, a war in my head. You are not living in the moment, you fixate on the past or the future with worry. The key is to think about what you are doing right now, and the good that is taking place in this very moment rather than worrying about yesterday or tomorrow.
Increasing your self esteem is actually quite easy. It is simply a matter of recognizing when you are doing it and choosing to change it. The way I did it was by writing a page or two about the good things about myself, I emailed it to my cell phone and whenever I got down, or had any negative thought about myself I stopped and read it. At first you don’t really believe what you are reading but eventually it begins to sink in. this is the first step for you, begin to love yourself and know that you are worthy of good things. I have posted a copy of my “I am good essay “ modify this to fit you and read it every morning and all through the day. THIS WILL HELP.I (your name) am unique in many ways. I am driven, motivated and a doer. I poses strength and drive that that I do not see in other people. I am sensitive to the needs of others, I have a kind heart beneath my rough exterior. I have an internal desire to ease people’s pain and therefore put myself second in most situations. Greed has no hold on me, I have accomplished things people only dream of and from that do not need the approval of others to validate my self worth. I am beautiful, masculine and funny. I am charismatic and fun to be around two traits I have always desired of myself, these strengths are all within me. I am flawed but contribute more good than bad, these attributes give me worth. I have improved my social and physical skills that I use to make people’s lives better. I am one of a kind.
Humans by nature are flawed individuals and every single one of us makes mistakes. The infraction of making a mistake does not degrade my value, does not make me worth less but makes me human and alive, a blessing in its self. My value is not calculated in my mistakes but in the good I do, in the joy I bring to others, in the pain or anxiety I ease in others. I am valuable and a necessity to this world.
I put more effort into a single day than most people do in a week, I know I am capable of more than the average man and challenge myself daily, when a person challenges themselves as much as I do they are bound to fumble occasionally. I may fumble but I made the effort when others stood on the sidelines. I no longer need to beat myself up and be hard on myself though I may fail at times it is my effort that counts.
Worry is the mindset of people who do not do. I am a doer and am capable of finding creative wise solutions to problems. When a problem is out of my control I embrace my effort and leave the rest to fate. I do not worry, I make my own destiny, destiny does not make me.
My abilities are all I have, I have honed them and am very capable in all aspects of life. My skills do not only extend to others but are capable of commanding important change in my life. Wilting to resistance is not my way for I am Jason and I conquer by determination.
I am human and therefore have made mistakes, when I make a mistake I have done everything possible to atone for these mistakes. I have owned my mistakes and acknowledged the hurt that I have caused. I am still worth loving, I am still worthy of good things in my life, I am still worthy of happiness. The pain caused to me by my father is not a reflection of my worth but a reflection of his shortcomings. I gave him everything I could to prove I was what he wanted me to be. My effort counts and his reaction is out of my control. I have given life my best effort the rest is up to god.
I have good days and bad days, days when I am happy and more days when I am sad. This is a part of life and what makes life so unique and worth living. I embrace these moments, I see the good when I am happy, I soak in the joy and beauty that surrounds me, and when I am sad I grow, suffering builds strength and growth that happiness does not feed. I do not bury my sorrow in denial with alcohol and marijuana. I know that each moment god or bad should be embraced.
I am flawed and beautiful at the same time, I love myself unconditionally and accept myself completely. I love who I was, who I am and who I will be. I am grateful for the attributes that I poses, I am healthy and well, and completely capable of improving my life. I am Jason and I accept myself.
In this life there is beauty all around, I will stop and take a moment to ingest and appreciate all of gods creations. The simplest things in life are abound with color, fragrance, joy and life lesions. There is beauty in everything even in pain and sorrow, for without pain and sorrow there is no appreciation for the good. It is ok for me to stop and rest, it is ok to remain stagnant without having to prove something for my self worth is not in my accomplishments but in the quality of my life. I no longer need other people to make me feel whole, it is time for me to love myself and find the my value without the input or affection of others.Secondly, I know you have read lots but if you have not read “finding meaning in the second half of life” by james hollis this is a must read. It is not really a self help but a self understanding book this will explain why you feel the way you do, this will explain lots for you. This book has literally changed my life.
Good luck
JasonJasonParticipantthank you for your insight
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