In a sudden turn of events i have suggested to my boys mum that we should get back together.

I had been really interested in this other woman though since about February, from Facebook. We had been getting close over text etc & i saw something happening with her long term. This might make you form judgements about her but she has 3 kids all from different dads. However she is not some benefits scrounge, she has a career as a social worker & she is just amazing in so many ways i could list but just take my word for it. Then 2 weeks ago we had a debate on facebook about a particular breed of young people in my city, who hijack cars – many of which are defenseless women with their toddler. I voiced my utter disgust & hatred for these little rats & would personally pay to see them hurt. But the “social worker” in this lady took offense to the things i said about them & said the opposite, that they should be shown compassion because they have underlying issues that need addressed.

So we had that debate which was a difference of beliefs or opinion, & she hasn’t spoken to me since, i don’t think she is going to either as I’ve sent 3 messages with no reply. No, we hadn’t met before but i was really into her & were due to meet very soon when we weren’t so busy & it was so disheartening to have built such a connection with her for it to go down the pan over nothing.

Back to my childs mum now. Not long ago she started sending me pictures of her & my son looking happy etc. i didn’t really think nothing at first but then began to think she was hinting at me to see us all together properly, and in some of the pictures she does look really nice. She also recently suggested we take our son out together to the cinema (we have NEVER done anything even close to this). The other night i was having a few beers & i saw yet another photo of just her, on whatssapp, of her looking real good & i sent her humorous text that included us maybe getting back together & she replied positively with a smile.

The thing is just a few weeks ago i was sure i will never get back with because i saw something happening with this other lady, & now shes stopped talking to me, all of a sudden I’m open to getting back with my ex?

The things she did to me don’t hurt as much any more, but they are still there deep down i just don’t bring them out. I could, but i choose not to as they only hurt. The fact that they are always going to be in my memory means they could come out some time in an argument.

I think rather than jump straight into it we should meet for a few drinks & a chat – & I don’t mean a chat about feelings & shit, i mean just have a laugh – maybe have sex, & then see how i feel about it… Although last night she did say that we could meet for a drink or something just cos we need to get on for our kids sake, but that there is no future for us because she cant forgive me for her court debt when i attempted to gain PR last year. Well she did worse to me.

Im also interested in this sexy little blonde 20 year old too who i hope to meet up with soon.

Im starting a new job next week in an office & what if there’s some available hotties there? Haha

I don’t even think i know what i want now that the lady i had invested too much feelings in suddenly removed herself from the idea.

I’m honestly not bothered either way. But does anyone think i would be mad to reunite with my ex after what she did to me?

Thanks Will yeah Matt had some very insightful words & interesting perspectives. A lot of which resonated with me & made me see some things differently. I saw it differently but was still mad. However since then I’ve came a long way. I have even referred back to Matts posts at times when I needed to maintain some healing power.

I’ve no other way to frame it. People DID do something to me. The things that happened are facts & these facts hurt me. I am doing well in life & will be doing even better soon when I find a new job. I just lose focus sometimes & my attention falls back to the wrongs committed against me. I have also slacked off from doing EFT & meditation for about a month now (due to my apartment getting renovated & other stuff) & I have always found that if I don’t maintain mediation, I fall back into anger in due course. So, I’ve literally just started it again an hour ago.

Hey Martina. A lot of her actions WERE directed at hurting me – she screwed around pregnant to spite me. Once, when she was pregnant, I saw her in town sitting in a car with an ex boyfriend, I tried to talk to her & she gave me the finger as they drove off.

I have often attempted to see things from her perspective – after my kid was born I didn’t see him much for 18 months, so what did I miss? I missed sleepless nights, dirty nappies, feeds, crying, stress etc. I’ve tried showing compassion to these facts however the compassion always got overwritten by the level of betrayal in the bigger picture such as the entire list of stuff in my initial post.

The new boyfriends etc all having spent time with & even met my boy long before I did, me being last to meet him, the christening, sex whilst pregnant, another man seeing my child into the world, is stuff that can’t be undone. Some of it may seem insignificant to some, but they’re massively important to me. As well as everything else on that list.

Thanks but, I don’t care much for the peace of any of the men involved. I wouldn’t care if anything happened to them.

I know I can’t change what’s happened, so I guess I’ll once again try to focus on the future.

I’ll just be ensuring my boy only calls me daddy. I expect his mum to make sure of this too. I am his one & only daddy & unless I’m dead I’m the only one who gets called daddy. Because he only has one daddy just the same way he only has one mummy.

Her having sex after we broke up isn’t the problem. Her having sex whilst pregnant with my child, is the problem. It’s undoable. It affected me so much that I had to move 50 miles away. I view the men she had sex with whilst carrying my child as fateful enemies & wish they be held accountable for their actions. If I hadn’t moved away I would most likely have administered punishment myself. Poetic justice would be for them to experience exactly what I did. For the woman carrying their child to screw around whilst pregnant. I do hope this to happen to all or any of them.

I’m gunna persevere with my healing regardless. I like doing the EFT & meditation I believe it really is helping my inner peace.

Another thing I haven’t mentioned but relates to “holding on to it for later” is the messages my ex sent me when she was pregnant. I have kept the phone with the message thread where she told me she was going to “f*ck who she wants when she wants & it’s none of my business” … Initially i told her I was keeping it to show her son when he is older & show him what a sl*g she was etc. I said this obviously to try & hurt her back at the time when I was desperate & she was severely hurting me.

Since then I’ve long a go came to my senses & I know it wouldn’t be fair in my boy to show him those messages in 15 years. But why am I holding on to the phones then? I think I’ve been holding them as “insurance” or something so if & when my ex ever tries anything I can refer back to the phones & remind her of what I could do to her in 10 years.

Yeah I know my sons feelings & welfare is most important. But that doesn’t mean I should simply roll over & accept the way I’ve been treated. I know it’s all past but it still happened & it’s always going to be in my head on some level. I’ll always remember what she did & the way in which she did it. I’ll always miss those moments & times I got denied with my son that I can never get back.

Gunna persevere as I’ve said. I may hate her forever, especially since there are future possible scenarios that I’m anticipating. But I’ll persevere.

Thanks. I have to win my true happiness & freedom.

Yeah most of it is because I wanted to be there for my son when he came into the world & had it all taken away from me. I’ll not be able to get that back, ever. It’s just not possible.

But it’s also not possible to undo the stuff she done when she was pregnant & screwing around, & that’s the biggest killer to me. Her being single & free to do what she wants gives me no comfort, or in her words “can f*ck who she wants when she wants”

Deep down, it’s there. I’m doing amazingly well with progress in regards to letting go of the anger at this, but the facts are facts, & all the stuff happened, & it’s still there. You can’t totally eradicate harmful memories from your mind, although that would be amazing if you could.

I did talk to a counsellor last year for 6 sessions & I don’t think it done much good at the time. I mean, how does getting all the stuff in your head out vocally make any difference? It just made me leave the building angry because all the memories I’d just resurfaced & were again fresh in my head.

I was considering more counselling but decided it was best if I didn’t. And that was before I decided on trying to give my ex true forgiveness for Xmas.

Today I was texting my ex & she said something that peeved me off a little & in times gone by it would have escalated, but I just stopped replying & kept my cool. Just a few months ago I would have replied by digging up past stuff & then we would have been fully arguing & fall out for weeks or months. But I kept my cool & didn’t bother doing so.

However, I thought to myself something along the lines of “I’ll save it for another time” which is why I say that it is still there in me on some level since I’m obviously hanging on to some things if I plan to bring them up again some day. It was a picture of one of her ex boyfriends who was always sniffing around while I was with the girl & wouldn’t leave us alone, he’s holding my boy when he was a baby, this picture was from Facebook in the weeks after my son was born, meaning this ex boyfriend met my son before I did. To say this disappoints me is an understatement. It’s likely he was involved in other aspects of my son coming into the world. Not good in my book.

That one example of things I could bring up. Or maybe hanging onto these kind of issues with those intentions just brings me some kind of comfort? Like an ace up my sleeve or something?

Having said all that, I am doing incredibly well.

I found myself crying a lot last night. I don’t often physically cry about it it’s usually just the constant gutting feeling inside, but last night I cried a lot.

I’d just been sat contemplating how much pain I’ve felt over the past three & a half years at the loss & betrayal, & things my ex done that can’t be undone, & the moments & time with my son that I’ll never get back or experience. It hit me how much I’ve been hurting & for how long – I’ve spent almost all the second half of my 20s hurt, angry & bitter.

I’ve never saw him on his birthday or Christmas & I’ve no idea when I will. That’s an example of future possible pains. I believe that’s probably part of the reasons why it’s been so hard to let go of the past – because I’m going to suffer more stuff I don’t like or agree with, adding to & prolonging the pain.

It’s been a month since I decided to grant my ex true forgiveness & it was going well until the other day when she got an ex bf (possible current bf again) to bring my child over to the contact centre to see me.

Since then I’ve been hurting inside. All the old feelings of hate & bitterness have resurfaced & for the past few hours I’ve been having a mild anxiety attack.

I know that Buddha would say “he brought your child to see you, be thankful for that” as opposed to me being angry about it. But no I can’t do that. He is one of the men involved in my original pain & it’s just not possible for me to be thankful to him for anything at all.

I have things to keep me busy & productive for example today & tomorrow I am doing a suicide intervention course as part of my new job training. I have my studies, self development reading, meditation, exercise. I’m just really trying hard not to allow this dark cloud back into my life.

Please I don’t want to sound like a tool but I explained above what I’m angry about.

I’m trying to see some compassion that he ran them over so my son could see me. But not, I’m sorry to say I want to hit him hard.

Thankfully I live 50 miles away.

I agree my son doesn’t deserve an angry father but it’s not something he witnessed or experienced.

I was bitter inside, not outside.