When I think about it if she hadn’t told me until after he was born maybe I wouldn’t have went through all the pain I did. Then again maybe it would have been worse. We’ll never know now.

The anger at what she did was impossible not to feel. Having sex whilst pregnant with my child is not something I was able to turn my my nose up at, not even now. I’ll never be ok with that.

However I’m not allowing the hate to consume me any longer. 3 years is long enough. I may still get angry now & again if I think about it but I won’t allow it to fill my soul.

I want to be truly happy & find the woman of my dreams. I know it’s not possible to do that whilst harbouring hate.

I still hate the guys I’m p****d off with & people around my ex. But I don’t need forgive them, I just won’t assign any more feeling to any thoughts about them. They just don’t exist.

I’m still hurting. It can easily be triggered for example I asked her yesterday if I could take my son to the cinema on 2 of the Saturdays in January since I won’t make it to the contact centre in time. No. She will only allow either the contact centre or his home until she feels comfortable to even think about anything else (I have seen criminals get better treatment & access by their kids mother).

Oh yeah, she recently told me I could come out to her house instead of the contact centre, if I could make my way out there. The thing is I can’t really, she lives way out in the country & after travelling the first 40 miles I would have to find my way 20 miles further but I can’t afford taxis & don’t have a regular, reliable lift I can organise. It’s a catch 22 situation.

I promised her I was going to let all the past stuff go. I admitted that I still felt down about it sometimes but that it was my problem & she would never again get s*** off me about it. I did really well, but I have a couple of times referred back to things from the past, which she hates me doing.

I often tell her what an amazing mummy she is (which she is) & I do give her credit. I give her money. We split Xmas costs etc plus I gave her a lump sum as well to help over Xmas.

As it is now I see him every fortnight at the contact centre. Yes I have been told by her I can have more time if I am able to make it once a week, & even out to her house, but right now I just can’t afford that.

Did the counselling work? No. I still get mad at the past. It gets reignited when she says something to annoy me like last night when she said I couldn’t take my own son to the cinema, I’m reminded of all the reasons she’s been a b**** to me.

Other times it just happens when I think about it all myself. Which is often, but at least every other week it gets to me really bad where I’ll think of everything she did, feel my blood boil, get enraged, hope & wish that all the men that were involved are savagely decapitated & castrated , then 20 minutes later I’ve cooled down & I’m ok again. Or I’ll have a few rounds on the punchbag to release it.

It would be nice for the pain & bitterness to be permanently gone but the sad thing is I think I’ve had to accept that I’m going to get angry every now & again & that’s just the way it is for me. It’s one thing practicing forgiveness towards the person responsible for all the pain & wishing them well, but another to think about forgiving the men involved, I can never see me wishing them well, or hoping good things happen for them, in fact I only wish wretchedness on them, & if I’m to be 100% honest here some of them are very VERY lucky that I moved away, I’ll say no more than that. It’s disturbing that it’s 3 & a half years later & I’m still hurting so much, looks like in 10 years I’ll STILL probably be.

I’ll keep trying to let go though. I’ll keep on keeping on & living as well as I can despite the underlying bitterness & resentment I have.

Haha yes, breakdancing. I’ve always been interested in doing it & then a few weeks ago I decided to just go for it & booked a 3 month course, which began 3 hours after my final exam for a module. So it was also a treat for my hard work & effort over the year 🙂

I can honestly say that all the hurt is subsiding. It does take time, hell it takes time. It’s such a slow process but it’s better than remaining stuck in bitterness forever. If I hadn’t taken certain steps I wouldn’t be so fortunate, primarily me moving away. If I hadn’t done so things would have been very different.

I also stumbled upon something a few months ago called “Emotional refocusing techniques” which you use in the moment when you feel stress/anxiety/anger/etc creeping in; you stop in your tracks & take a time out, breath deeply while focusing all your energy on the area around your heart, make a sincere effort to activate a positive feeling, ask yourself what would be an efficient, effective attitude or action that would balance & de-stress your system, then quietly sense any change in perception or feeling, & sustain it as long as you can.

I haven’t been doing the above even though I really thought id hit the jackpot after discovering it. Because if I only get angry every now & again then this “Freeze frame” refocusing technique will really help me. Ok I think I have used it a little bit but not to the full extent of coming out positively. I was just doing it to contain the pain.

But, I’ll use them every time from now on, properly.

Thanks Matt, & yes that is correct, it clearly has got better since last time, & tenfold when considering how I felt exactly 3 years ago.

My counsellor told me it’s not about trying to remove the memories, but about changing the way I approach & think about them, so for example rather than getting all angry when thinking, just accept the thought, remember that I’ve already felt this anger before many times & it isn’t serving me well, then move on. I generally do this anyway as I’ve said.

I even think a very small but stubborn part of me actually WANTS to stay angry on some level no matter how small. Which may sound silly but we have to remember that the hate etc was a part of me for 3 years, I lived with it.

I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. Like I said I’ve lots going on with new studies of child development & sports psychology starting in less than 2 weeks. I’ve also taken up a breakdancing class haha so I’m looking forward to spinning round on my head & all that 🙂

Hello again. I thought I’d give a little update on this & put into words how things are since I first posted about 6 months ago.

After my last post I still carried anger & resentment for a few months. I I had a new girlfriend for a while but I finished with her after a few months as I couldn’t be hers & hers alone. I’m not at a point in my life where I want only one woman. I would be perfectly happy to have 5 girlfriends or 10, who all know about each other. That might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s my life & my choice. I do know however, that it is a result of my treatment in the past by the girl who is central to this entire thread; that I’ll never give any one girl the power to hurt me like that ever again.

We were at court a few months ago because I was trying to get my contact with my child move out of a supervised centre & into my family or somewhere else. I was seeing him regular up to then & I still am but she would never agree to moving out of it so that’s why I went to court. Anyways, court didn’t work because she made me look really bad with Facebook & twitter statuses that I was venting about it in. I launched an appeal because I had good defence to come back to the judge with, but a few days later I pulled the appeal because I realised it wasn’t going to help me at all being stressed out & that it would only serve to feed the hate & resentments that had been inside for so long. I did it for my own sanity & decided to let go of trying to make things happen as I wanted them to, & have left it in her hands to decide what happens & when.

So after that I wanted to let of anger, resentment & hate for my own health & I told my ex i forgave her for everything & that I no longer held anything against her. I’d said it before of course, but this time I felt I’d had enough, 3 years. I really made a point of finally doing something conclusive to help me heal for good. I wrote out a list of all the reasons I felt hard done by & took a cycle to the docks at the edge of the city & read over the list twice, out loud, & then watched it burn as I looked out to the sea. The next day I booked some counselling sessions & I’ve got one session left next week of 6. I’m not sure it’s “fixed” me since I still get pissed off about it from time to time.

I think maybe I just have to accept that I’m going to get angry now & again, because it did happen & it’s obviously never going to fully leave my memory? I also read a line the other day that “memories are just a memories until you assign a feeling to it”. Which made me stop & think. It is correct & if I’m honest this is how I have been dealing with it subconsciously for a long time now where I allow the thought to just drift on. It is just those other times like once a month where I allow myself to think about it for 10 minutes & get more & more angry & feel the hate rising. Then I’ll do 10 rounds on the punchbag & be ok.

The point here is I know I haven’t truly & fully let go of that anger & hate because sometimes it still pops back in when I think about the things that hurt me. Yes I told her I forgave her & I do wish it were as simple as just saying the words & that would be it, but it isn’t that easy. I thought by me telling her honestly that I forgave her that it could see it as a starting point of the process of me beginning to truly heal. It’s been working yes, but like I said, I still get upset sometimes which if I follow the feelings get emotional which turns to the rage where I hate the men she was with & want them all to die horribly. The feeling soon pass, or I take them out on the punchbag, or I meditate. But is it going to be like this forever? Will I ever be truly free?

If any or all of the men I mentioned before died I’d gloat about it & feel like shouting from the rooftops how much I don’t give a shit & they deserve it. I know that’s not good for my soul. I think it goes without saying that I’d still be happy to beat their shit in if any of them crossed paths with me.

I am forgiving her, but hold hate for everyone else involved. Counterbalance in the wrong way I know.

I’ve thought about the future & the possibility of my ex moving in with a new man & starting a new life etc, the thing I wouldn’t like about this is my son spending more time with some other dickhead than me. I’ll never be ok with this kind of situation & I feel this could potentially harm me in the future. Could I stand there & shake hands with some other guy playing stepdad to my own son? No, I’d want to punch him.

I should point put that this woman is a brilliant mother to my son & literally have nothing to worry about or fear for his safety. I sleep easy at night knowing he is in good hands with her & that he is safe. I have told her this & applauded her for it on occasion, just to let her know I truly am grateful for her care, love & attention of my boy. I am always seeing the good she does for my boy & trying to make it make up for the bad, but former the good has not yet won, & those past hurts still come back to overwrite it.

I do have loads of positive things going on in my life, it’s just I know this issue still burns underneath it all, because I feel it every so often.

Ok, the three affirmations are written out. Here is my own one, edited again…

“I fully & freely forgive you ***** for all my past pain, whatever the causes, both intentionally or unintentionally, through your thoughts, words & actions. I choose to completely forgive everything connected with the matter in question, & you are no longer accountable to me for any of it. However I may have experienced pain in the past, I forgive you. For the pain I experience in the present, I forgive you. For any pain I may experience in the future, I forgive you. I am choosing to be free from all my hatred towards you, I wish to be released from my anger towards you, & I will no longer hold resentment towards you. I forgive you *****. May I be free from all of my hurts & my pain”

I think I am a actually a little bit excited about this!! Which is surely a good sign 🙂

Thank you so much for helping me

Ideally I’d like to have both revenge AND to be able to heal, but I know I can’t necessarily have both. It’s one or the other, & one likely leads to jail, which would be quite foolish after how far I’ve come & the awesome life I have shaped & continue to shape for myself.

It’s the biggest theme in forgiveness “the best revenge is to live well” & other very closely worded & associated affirmations. Whenever you’re in anger & resentment this is definitely the last thing you want – that much is also well documented & acknowledged alongside the above affirmation. I have always carried all of those thoughts “it’s not my fault I’m angry” “I can’t let them away with it” “I don’t want to let them off without facing retribution” “everyone must be held accountable for their actions, even if it takes me 20 years”. In my head this was justified, & maybe it really would be truly justified if I did get revenge, I mean who’s to say that – spirituality aside – that they don’t deserve it? However I know it is the wrong way for me longer term.

Im not a total believer in karma, but I do understand the concept. So if the universe believes – like me – that some people involved here have done wrong, then hopefully they will face whatever consequence they deserve.

I have let her actions burn my soul for 2 & a half years. I no longer want to burn.

Carrying her actions comforted & justified my anger & what I wanted to do. I no longer want to be angry.

I made it about me because she was carrying my son in her belly. There is no undoing what she done.

At times when she pushed my buttons & wound me up I told her she wouldn’t be laughing in 15 years when her son discovers what she did when she was carrying him. That to me would yes be making her suffer the shame & regret of her son knowing what she did, but I would also be making my son suffer too right? So it maybe wouldn’t be the best idea. Plus that would mean carrying it with he for all those years…. But then, don’t I carry it with me anyway? I mean, it did happen & it’s not like I can wipe it from my memory. It’s always going to be there no matter how many years pass. I only WISH I could wipe it from my memory.

What about the unanswered questions I have? How do I forgive things that I don’t even know the full extent of? And is it even possible to move on from what I deem to be unforgivable since there is no changing what has been done?

Thanks for the affirmation, I’ll use it.

I’ll also do the self nurturing. I’m willing to try anything. I do have some interesting activities going on anyways, I’ll just focus on them.

Here is the affirmation I have pieced together over 2 years chopping & changing different parts of different prayer & affirmations. Most recently edited today…

“I fully & freely forgive you ***** for all the pain you have caused me in the past, both intentionally & unintentionally, through your thoughts, words & actions. I choose to completely forgive everything connected with the matter in question & you are no longer accountable to me for any of it. However you may have caused me pain in the past, I forgive you. For whatever pain you currently trying to inflict on me, I forgive you. For any pain you will attempt to cause me in the future, I forgive you. I am choosing to be free from all my hatred & resentment towards you. I forgive you *****. I am free & you are free.”

I will say this affirmation many times every day. I used a short variation on & off for 2 years & I think it worked a little bit for about 2 months back around last September. Any suggestion on how I should use it? Should I say it over & over as I meditate? Should I say it in the morning? At night?

Thank you & I understand & accept much of what you’ve said, except I do not see that my ex is not responsible in any capacity.

All those special moments with my first child that I missed out on are moments I will never get back again, they are lost forever. How I feel about it is a direct result of her withholding them from me. The rage I feel about her actions such as having sex whilst pregnant with my child is a reaction to those actions. It is something that can’t be undone.

I get that we are responsible for how we feel, but how we feel can be influenced & manipulated by the actions of others. It is simply not possible in all cases to just laugh at or ignore the dreadful actions of a person towards you.

I’ve been angry so long that it has become a part of me. I’m not grumpy or anything like that, but the venom, it’s just there, deep down inside my soul. I have been in that boat of “she doesn’t deserve forgiveness” (which she doesn’t) & instead preferred to hate her, but I understand the anger is only hurting me & I’ve known that for a long time.

It hard enough trying to forgive her, but to turn around & absolve her of blame for how I feel? I don’t even like the thought of telling myself that when for me, it is not true. The things she did affected me, if she hadn’t done them I wouldn’t have felt it, therefore at the very least half of it is her responsibility.

I have always angrily ignored anything I’ve encountered about forgiving myself as I am not the culprit, however, in the interest of freeing myself I am willing to try it. I’ll incorporate it into my meditation or something.