Peggy, Her brother is not my manager nor does he have the power to fire me. Plus, even if he did, and theoretically a relationship did happen and went bad and I did get fired because of it, there would be grounds for unfair dismissal.

Anita, thanks I’ll just continue to be my best self and see what happens. Ultimately it’s just a girl (albeit a very attractive one) and if nothing happens then it’s not life changing or anything.

Mark, I think it could be a little too soon. And if I did do that and she said no I’d feel incredibly paranoid in work.

Overall I tend to overthink myself into this kind of mindset. I really just need to let go and stop creating situations in my head that may not even happen, rightly or wrongly.

In the meantime I’m dating other girls and enjoying myself. So it’s not like I’m desperate or deprived or anything.

Thank you. I think she was due to find something out about it today, I’ve not yet received any news however.

Just really hoping and praying that she doesn’t get diagnosed with it.

Her health and well-being is now the most important thing.

Hi again, a major revelation has changed EVERYTHING.

I was dropping my boy off today, and his mum came out and was talking to my sister as I was in the yard saying hi to my sons new puppies, which he wanted to show me.

I came back to the car and I could soon tell that the conversation was of a medical nature. I listened for a bit and then asked my child’s mum “what is it” and she told me she could potentially be about to be diagnosed with MS.

It immediately hit me hard and I struggled to hold tears back there and then. She talked more about the situation; waiting for blood tests; has to spend 5 hours at hospital this coming Monday; it could be important that it’s discovered early, etc etc.

I got out of the car and told her it was freaking me out and I gave her a massive hug, telling her I hope she is gunna be ok.

She was keeping a brave face on, being in high enough spirits and even joking that she could “be on the way out”. But I know she’ll be frightened, I mean, she’s just had another baby and to begin considering the future, should you find out you have such a life-changing illness would be daunting. She’shad 2 mini-strokes, and this further potential illness was found as a result.

I’ve cried a few times since. I cried whilst typing this. And I’ll likely cry many more times about it.

Everything I’ve said on this thread and my other thread about how I felt hard done by and all my perceived grievances, are now completely eradicated. She is absolved of anything I held against her. There will never be another word about it.

I feel terrible that it’s taken something like this to make me truly, and so quickly, let it all go. But there’s nothing I can do about the last 7 years holding on to it, all I can do now is be a better man and a better person to her going forward.

She doesn’t deserve something like this. She is an incredible mother. My sister told me the other day that she has never seen a child who is as well behaved as my son, even over her own 3 children.

On everything I hold sacred, on my life, on my soul, I sincerely hope with all my heart that the mother of my child is going to be ok.

Hiya Anita,

Yes, that was also her child… Still gives me a right to be angry about her decisions. It may be her child in her body, but it’s also my child in her body.

Yes the £100 was just a gift on top of child support. Which by the way, is not court ordered or any of that nonsense. We came to agreements out of court. Like I said I’m legally a nobody to my child thanks to her.

I am living honestly and responsibly. If I date multiple girls at the same time, with nobody being cheated on or hurt, there’s nothing wrong with that. I could argue that marriage and settling down is something that is done just because it’s what a lot of “other people” do, that doesn’t make it the one and only way to live a life. I see many people do just that because they are following the crowd, society tells them that they should get married and take out a mortgage and get a car and a dog and then make a family. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just not what I want for the life I’ve only got one shot at. If having an endless stream of girls for the rest of my life makes me happy than that is what I’m going to do.

I’ll admit that it all started out as a massive “up yours” to my ex. She messed me around beyond repair? Fine, I ain’t going to settle down with the next available girl. I’m doing the exact opposite.

Dan

Hi Anita,

I appreciate you taking so much time out of your day to read through the entirety of my threads. I have taken over a week to respond as I wanted to sit on your thoughts for a while.

I understand the likelihood that I had deeply repressed anger from my mother leaving me, and the likelihood that this anger arose when my child’s mother did what she did. Although the biggest difference is that my ex was carrying my son, my mother wasn’t. That’s the aggravating factor in all this.

Would I still have been so hurt and angry about it if my mother hadn’t left me and I’d had a normal upbringing? Well, I will never know the answer to that. All I know now is that my mother can’t undo what she did, nor can my ex undo what she did, therefore perhaps that’s why I can’t get past it either way.

There’s no law against her having sex whilst pregnant and single, but she did massively insult me and my unborn child by doing so, and so did any men involved. Even mentioning those men now makes me still wish for their downfall in some form or other.

I’ve been reading Tony Robbins book Awaken the Giant Within and today I read an interesting chapter about metaphors for life and transformational vocabulary. In it, he talks about and teaches through examples of how we can change how we see, think and interpret things. Obviously, I’ll never get over the pain I’ve felt at her actions but I’m going to try implementing these strategies in my life going forward. In fact I believe I’ve already went through a transition at some point a couple of years ago where I care less and less about any decision she may make that’ll hurt me. For example I no longer care about my name being on the birth certificate, so much so that if she asked me now if I wanted my name on it I’d laugh and tell her to shove it, it’s too late.

I do admit I’ve probably went the wrong way about things at times but like I said before Anita, her actions created my reactions, and there’s just no getting away from that.

Further to what I’ve learned in that book – and this is something I’ve always known and even expressed on here, so don’t think that it was because of the book – this enormous pain I’ve experienced made me completely change my life to a point I never dreamed was possible for me. I recall sitting in my bedroom 10 years ago whilst still living in my dads house. At the time I was at rock bottom, still on drugs, no friends, no social life, no job, feeling absolutely worthless, thinking, “how on earth did it get to this, and how the hell can I possibly turn this around?”. I didn’t see way out of the hole I was in, and the future was bleak. I never once contemplated suicide, all I wanted to do was run away very far and never come back, because the life I was living was a very depressing one.

What I’m saying is, I’ve never actually sat down and put on paper what I was then, to what I am now. I think that by using the strategies I mentioned, I can change how I think about what happened. I’m not a believer of “everything happens for a reason” or any of that, but I can draw on all the positive changes I’ve made in my life since then, in an attempt to make the scars of 2011 mean less and less. I mean, 95% of where I’m at now and the life I live, as well as where I’m going, would not have even been a thought if I hadn’t experienced the pain I did. In some ways I should perhaps thank her.

Most people try to fill their pain from similar circumstances by going and having a kid with another person as soon as possible, which in my eyes is the lamest thing ever. It’s an attempt to say “look at me everyone, look at how ok I am, I’ve moved on already”, and from the instances of this I’ve seen it stinks of desperation.

Me? Well because of this hugely painful event in my life, I’m never getting married. I’m always open to meeting someone who changes my mind, but instead I decided long ago I’m going to remain a bachelor. I date multiple ladies at any one time and that’s just how I roll now. The best about it is that I’m going to be a wealthy bachelor too, always dating gorgeous young women.

I saw my child the other day and he was so happy to see me, as was I happy to see him. He really enjoys going on days out with my sister and his cousins, even without me there, and his mother is happy for him to go have fun with them without her. He’s also very excited to be a big brother. I brought a little teddy and card for him to fill out and bring home. One of many gifts he’ll be bringing his brother after being with me.

Yes I envy that another man lives with my son and his mum, but as I’ve previously stated, my absolute indifference to the situation makes it not hurt too much anymore. I’ve got my own awesome life I’m continuing to build.

Thanks for reading,

Dan

Hi again Anita,

Yes she is and always has been a good mother, and is respectful to me. I’m also respectful to her in my dealings with her. I’m not angry like I used to be, there’s just some residual pain left over from what she done when she was pregnant that will never go away.

Me feeling no emotion about this is probably a healing in some way. Whereas 5 years ago it would have been a huge pain.

I’m quite certain there’ll be future things on the horizon that may well have the potential for causing me a huge upset, like if she ever changes my boys surname if she gets married, for example, but I’ll just deal with that if and when it comes.

Anything that does happen that I don’t agree with, I’ll certainly let it be known, but I won’t allow it to affect me negatively.

And that’s why it will be difficult to truly let it all go, because I know there will be future changes that affect me and my child. And even though I’m more indifferent about things involving this whole situation nowadays, it will be enough to keep me from truly healing.

PS Anita: I want to say I’ll consider letting go of the resentment, but this is much easier said than done. And especially so, given what I’ve just said above.

I’m going to think about what you said about a punished mother makes a lesser mother.

Thank you

Hi Anita,

I’ll be as civil as i can/need to, but deep down I don’t want to absolve her. She needs to remain aware that her actions aren’t and never will be forgotten about, and as such will be forever present in my dealings with her. That’s her punishment for the irreversible things she did.

What I was saying is that I’m about to launch my first ever business, which is – initially at least – going to be based online 🙂 I’m really excited about it. This is actually one of the long term positives that came out of my past misery, since this is the next chapter of the life I’ve been building ever since the dark days when I got hurt in all those ways.

Danny.

Today I spoke with my 7 year old son on the phone. I hadn’t spoke to him since a month ago, which was on his birthday.

During our chat he told me he was going to be a big brother. I told him I was delighted for him and asked him questions about it like did he want a brother or sister and was he excited etc. He was and is looking forward to it, which will be in about 5 and a half months.

After our call I text his mum simply saying “congratulations” and with the little baby emoji. For a couple of minutes I was actually slightly reluctant of doing this, but I done it anyway.

She text back saying thanks and I asked when my boy was going to be a big brother. She told me the date, and also said she was very scared but that hopefully all would work out.

I just replied “you did it before you’ll be ok” …. and there was no reply. If she felt coldness from it, well she, more than anyone, knows why.

I could have asked her why she was scared. I could have engaged her as to how it’s going or what her concerns are. I didn’t though, and it was because of what I experienced when she was pregnant with MY child. I got no consideration, so because of that I’m going to return none. Just because of the fact she’s now pregnant to another person means nothing to me, I’m still indifferent.

Obviously there are now going to be future things that will affect my life such as my son potentially having a step-dad if she ever gets married. And even if she doesn’t, he’s already playing that role anyway. I don’t care how petty it makes me sound I’ll never be happy with any such arrangement, since I got well and truly screwed.

My intentions of continuing to be cold and indifferent to her even though she’s pregnant, would anyone approach this differently, or just do what I’m doing?