next time you notice that you went quiet because you don’t want to do something she wants to do, say in a normal tone: I don’t want to do this.

Ok. But what if I can’t say what I want? I couldn’t say because I did not know anymore. I thought we would go to one place we agreed and it turned out she was all over picking places and I just couldn’t follow. I think I needed time to decide.

I will try to just say that I don’t want to do something next time.

Now I know I agreed to this city she picked but I can’t help thinking: Am I again doing something she picked? I think I kind of am. But I won’t say anything anymore because she tried and she asked and I couldn’t say. And I said okay it’s the best choice. Now I keep thinking I did this again to myself and I won’t enjoy this trip because again it was something she wants to do.

(1) try guided meditations during today and before going to sleep, will you?

Ok, I will do this today. In what way is it going to help?

(2) Therapy with a good therapist will be best.

It’s going to be difficult but I was thinking about this before so probably should looking for someone.

(3) research emotion regulation skills, (part of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DBT) and CBT, consider buying a book and a workbook on each of these topics, and see how it works for you.

Okay. Thank you Anita.

Anita,

Yes, that makes sense. The vacuum thing.

I do not want to say she’s evil for acting like that but I said many times already that I want to feel like I get to decide things too. And she knows that. But she knows that overall, not specific. I mean specific cases in the past, yes, some of them. But in present time when I don’t want to do something I go quiet. And then I get angry later. I know I shouldn’t behave like that, I should just say right away in a normal tone, not angry tone later. But I don’t know how to do that. I feel like she is more confident and assertive with her opinions and I just take a step back and not say anything. Today it happened again I got angry about the Athens vacations and she got angry too that she thought I agreed and now I’m saying I don’t want to go. But later she said Okay let’s go to some other place where we both want to go, she knows I wanted to see Norway and there’s my favorite book author there, places like museums related to those books. And it was nice she proposed it but it’s cold there now so I said ok let’s go to Athens and we will visit Norway some other time during the summer. And it seems okay now. But I had to agree to something she wanted in the end. She asked me many times: Ok what do you want? what is the place you want to see? And I couldn’t say. Because I did not know anymore. I did not know how to resolve this situation, this conflict. And then she said Ok let’s go to Norway, I don’t care about Athens anymore.

She said it, not me. I couldn’t.

Sorry I let it all out here but it is  kind of regulating for me to just write it all. I see it and I understand it better now thanks to you Anita. And I want to change it because I am in a relationship with someone who cares. I know she is not perfect but I can see she wants to try to fix things. It just got so complicated. Today I told her “It’s all getting complicated once I say what I want” because it is. When she says she wants something and I agree, it’s all good. I think she just got used to it. And about a year ago I started to see it and did not want to agree to things anymore. And I think she is just not used to it because she did not know it. And now it sounds like I am angry and resentful for past things. Which is not even her fault, not entirely at least. It is a bit her fault in my opinion because she wants so badly for us to do things she likes. She sometimes imposes things like boardgames etc. She wants to buy those I would like instead of just leave me alone.

How can I learn this “emotion regulation and assertiveness skills, as well as challenging distressing thoughts (CBT)”, Anita? Can I learn it by myself? is reading a book enough? or should I see a therapist. I am really desperate, I am having panic attacks because of this. I think it is all too much in my life right now.

Last week we had a strange conversation again. I am feeling as if I am mentally ill. Or manipulated.

We planned vacation. We never went anywhere during our relationship, except for some short trips and concerts. She never liked going on vacation, she prefers concerts. I always dreamed of travelling but she did not want to go.

We finally agreed we were going to see Italy or some other place but we agreed on Italy.

And I wanted to include her in searching for plane tickets etc because I felt like she was leaving this for me and it felt too much.

So we started searching. I wanted to see Palermo but turned out it was too expensive and tickets were not convenient. So it was Venice or Spain. She did not like Spain although I said it looks exotic and very nice, I told her I liked it. But she said Venice it is – we are going to Venice. I also liked Venice but I felt like she decided it – I did not say anything, just quietly responded. We were searching for hotels in Venice and then I said – let’s see the other options, and she said okay. And then I said there’s Greece and Athens. And she got excited and said we are choosing Athens. Turned out it’s cheaper and she dreamed about this. And I said okay..but we did not consider Spain..she just said it’s only a beach and a city. And she said it’s her birthday so she is choosing a trip and also some time ago she asked me if I wanted to go to Athens and I said yes. I don’t remember it but it was probably true. I just say yes to things she is excited about, I just don’t think. I don’t have my own opinion. And she was I was a bit upset and she said OK let’s go to Spain it’s a beach and sunny, so on and so on… I think she did not want me to be upset. But at this point I did not know what I wanted anymore. Spain seemed like a bad idea already because she rejected it earlier and seemed like she did not want to upset me. But I said: no, let’s go to Athens, it’s your birthday. It was weird but I don’t think she was angry or anything.

And as I was saying at this point I did not even know what I wanted to choose. I could not sleep at night. I felt like I am mentally ill. I wanted to be honest and talk about it but I did not know how and what to say. She said: I feel like you are not interested in any place except for Spain.

Am I mentally ill?

Anita,

I used to catastrophize too, like you do, seeing things way worse than they are.. I still have this tendency.

How did you overcome this? I feel like I am mentally ill. I cannot handle my emotions. They are too much.

this has to change, sitting in your room all day. Either you find a way to get out somehow, every day, or quit the job ASAP.

I’m thinking I will be getting up at 8 am, reading or watching something and then eating breakfast and going out for some time. A walk or shopping. But yesterday I couldn’t sleep, I think I was having a panic attack, my heart was racing. And today I am exhausted.

How about a few days break from the job for the rest of this week + weekend?

Maybe I will get some sick days or days off.

I have faith in you!

Thank you Anita. You are so kind.

Anita

Thank you for your advise. I will respond to all your questions. Just need some time.

I just feel like… we already talked about this and she was trying. She doesn’t tell me what I should buy or not, she seems to respect my financial decisions. And I know I should appreciate this, the fact that she understood and changed some of this. But I think she cannot change they way she sees me.. which is.. I don’t know.. a child? an incapable child?

There are still things like: me saying “let’s watch a movie” and I say a title. Her quick respond would be “no”. Everytime. She doesn’t even have to think. “Let’s eat this and that”… “-No.” I no longer say I want to watch a movie because I know she wouldn’t agree. Unless we have time for two movies and she chooses one title and I can choose a second one. That way it’s obvious it HAS TO be fair. SO she lets me choose too. We watch something only when she say we watch this. When I say “we could watch this” – No. She never agrees. Or she agrees when I complain she doesn’t let me choose it, and  she watches it and I can see she is bored. And then I know it was a wrong choice of movie. So next time I know.. to not choose a movie.  I am already anxious about it because I am already afraid she won’t like and this movie is shitty.

Hi

I decided to post here again.

Did you feel that she felt inferior to you in that period? Did she makes some comments of that nature? For example, did she make you feel guilty because you have a better job and earn more than her?

When she was cleaning and I had better job… I think yes I thought of her as inferior. She is younger and I already had more money, I paid for her many times. So I think I saw her as less capable at this time. Also I did shopping, made dinners etc. She usually just stayed at home doing nothing.

Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much to ask, since she had plenty of time at her hands. What is important is how you viewed her: did you view her with respect, regardless of where she works and how much she earns, or you viewed her as beneath you?

I know I wrote earlier I saw her as less capable. But I never bossed her around. I never made her feel like I was paying for things.. I wasn’t rude to her like she is now to me. I feel like.. I could say now to her: “I used to buy things for you and paid for pizza, cinema tickets etc and I was never rude to you. And now you pay for avocado or give me money for balcony chair and you are treating me as if I was a stay home wife, taking your money.” But I don’t want to be a jerk and say those things to her. What I don’t understand is… She was at a bad moment in life and I was there, I didn’t care about the money. I just paid for everything. And now she has a chance to drive me to supermarket (I don’t have a car) and she uses it to feel superior. She even once said “I drive you and you can’t even have a good mood” – like I was required to be cheerful and thankful because she is driving me. I never thought of this that way. I thought WE were driving together, not that she was driving me…as a favor.

so i started to be more cheerful, more nice. And she started to be mean during shopping. and impatient, because… what else do I want to buy…

You felt bad for asking her to prepare a meal, or pick up a package once in a while, right? It could be that you felt bad because she didn’t do it gladly, she might have indicated that you see her as inferior if you ask that of her?

I think she wouldn’t feel inferior. Maybe it’s me who did not want to offend her by asking this.

Okay, it does seem like you were reluctant to say anything positive about your job and your own achievements, because you were afraid it would offend her? That she would see that as bragging?

I did not want to make her sad. I don’t know how she would perceive this.

So my question is: was she actually blaming you for having a better job than her, and so you felt you needed to walk on eggshells around her, not to offend her?

She wasn’t blaming me. But she had a hard time at work here, and previous one where she cleaned. So I always pretended like my job is shitty too. But maybe that’s just my point of view, maybe she would have been okay with me being successful etc. I am not sure. It’s just my choice that I undermined my own achievements so that she would not feel bad.

Today there was again this situation.. I don’t know if I am overreacting.

We were buying some snacks and we were at the counter. I already had my credit card and wanted to pay. When the assistant said I can pay, she said “I will pay” and I saw she was already paying.

Next we were picking up takeaway dinner at the restaurant. Again I was going to pay, I already had my credit card. And she did the same thing. She said “I will pay” and quickly paid before I could say anything.

Am I overreacting? Or is she disregarding me?

If I saw she was already holding credit card to pay I would at least say: “I will pay you back”, or “I will pay next time”.

I think she is disrespecting me by acting like this.