Carien,

I am sorry that it feels so devastating now.  I know it is hard to think that this is a gift but it is a wake up call.  Emma shares her personal story how she healed.

We all need to be healthy and in order to do that is to love ourselves first.  When we put our self worth and value based on someone else then that is a losing game.

Right now you are depressed and stopped taking care of yourself.  You are mourning, not only for your loss of your relationship but the loss of yourself.  Take care of you.  Bit by bit.  That is the journey of loving you.

Where to start?  Move your body.  Walk daily.  Or workout daily.  Or dance daily.  Or do yoga daily.  Exercise produces endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin, and dopamine.  All chemicals that make you feel good.

In between, breath deep.  This alone releases endorphins.  It slows your heart rate, adds more oxygen and helps you relax.

Mark

John,

I am curious what do you plan to say when you do talk to her?  I wonder if you do plan to ask/tell her to move out and if so, when?   That is the bottom line isn’t it?

You say you don’t want to blindside her but you have sharing this with us for months.  Have you shared anything about how you are feeling, how the two families are incompatible, how you are not in love with her?

My take is that you will keep drawing this out and doing her a disservice unless you tell her.

Mark

B,

From the Business Insider website:
…the common psychological theory that we are attracted to people who remind us of our parents. If their relationship was abusive, or you were always seeking approval as a child, you may look for a partner with those same traits because you’re trying to heal wounds from the past, she says.

Narcissistic behavior may seem “normal” in these cases because you might be accustomed to being treated badly by those you love. Anything familiar, whether good or bad, feels comfortable, Ward says. The problem is that a comfortable relationship isn’t the same as a healthy one, and narcissists are unlikely to give you what you need on a long-term basis.

According to Ward, narcissists often seek out sensitive, kind people, because they can use their empathy to take advantage of them.
Mark

Love100%

If your husband already acknowledges that his answer is inappropriate then I suggest both of you take parenting classes together.  This way both of you will be on the same page on what is appropriate and agree on the parenting together.

The fact you are willing to divorce him over this would show him how serious you think his behaviour is.

Mark

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Mark.

John,

I think you are doing her a disservice by thinking, planning about you telling her that you want to leave while waiting for the right time.  Change shoes and think of how you would feel when your mate tells you that he wants you out all the while knowing she was thinking about this for weeks if not months before she told you.

Mark

Lulu,

He does not want to make a will.  I suggest you draw one up yourself with your lawyer and bring him to the office to sign it.  I am not sure what other commitment you want out of him.

When you said he does not want anything to do with his son, that is a red flag for me.  That tells me that he is not a responsible father.

You ask how to talk to someone when he shuts down?  He sounds like a person/partner to get emotional support.  He won’t or cannot change.  I suggest you find others to help you with such things, e.g. your mum.

You need to decide what you want and what to do with your life for he is what he is and probably won’t change.

Mark

gia,

Unfortunately for whatever reason there are people who are unhappy/rude/angry that you have to deal with.

I have no advice but I can offer suggestions.

1) Kill her with kindness. Greet her with a smile, eye contact and a warm hello/good morning/afternoon.  You most likely not get anything in return.  Consistency and persistence is key.

2) If you are willing to put yourself out even more then engage in conversation with her.  Ask her about herself, likes/dislikes, family, etc.  Establish a relationship. She will find it hard to be rude to someone she knows on a more personal level.

3) Be aggressive back. Be rude back. Demand the plan or anything you are entitled to.  Don’t ask for it.  Demand it loudly and forcefully.  Call her out on those microagressions.  Tell her that what she says/does is unacceptable especially from someone whose job is to be of service to people like you.

Not sure what is the best way or the most effective for they are two opposite ends of the behavior spectrum.

Good luck,
Mark

jennifer,

I recommend understanding why you felt the need to bail on her and therefore lie to her.

I believe it is always best to understand the underlying reason why we behave the way we do especially if we don’t want to repeat our mistakes.

I would wonder if she is such a good friend then why did you do that?   Is this something you do?  If you don’t want to do something you agree then go do something else?   Are you passive aggressive with others?  in other circumstances?

Regardless how you work it out with your friend, I invite you to look at yourself.  Do you find it hard to keep your word especially when you are in situations that you are not “all in” on?

Mark