me myself and i

I know that what we feel about others comes in part how we feel about ourselves.  We project out into the world.  As anita points out, hate comes out of anger which in turn, comes out of fear.

It seems all you were taught from your family-of-origin is fear, anger, and hate.  Those are deep core issues which can be helped by introspection and self awareness up to a point.  However there is a quote attributed to Albert Einstein (but I doubt that he said it like this for I cannot find the original source): “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”  This means that unless we have an outsider’s perspective and guidance then we cannot fully solve our own problems.

Mark

Christine,

You have this history of being hurt so many times and being used.  I’m so helpless.

My take is that regardless whether he is a successful, professional athlete or not, you are gun shy and self described as “helpless.”  This is not a good mental state to be in to start any relationship.  I am curious if you done any work on yourself in understanding why you have chosen men who have used you.  Plus feeling helpless does not make you an empowered woman.

I would guess as a successful man, I can be initially attracted to a helpless woman but either (1) I would soon tire of that and leave her or (2) I would take advantage of her.  Either way, a helpless woman would not be my equal if I was this self-confident man.

Does that make sense?
Mark

John,

I wish you and your girlfriend well in resolving this dilemma.  It may be painful now but I would think that in the long run, it will be best for all concerned.

Mark

norit,

I find as a great rule-of-thumb is to make decisions out of love, not fear.  You have listed all the “what ifs” scenarios that can be bad which all comes from fear.

You have been on the waiting list for years.  You know that this is a healthy move and you have the opportunity to put yourself first.

Your anxiety, catastrophising, guilt and sense of overwhelm are all coming from your fears.  It seems that you will feel that way regardless of your life circumstances.  Am I right?

You can always move back in with your mother.

Mark

lindsey,

It is tough making that transition from being married for so long (especially when you share children) to a more independent life.

I am sorry that you are feeling shame and anxiety.

It seems that you are learning all the hard lessons of what not to do, i.e. do not jump into another relationship until you finalize the divorce (signed papers) and giving yourself at least a year of living on your own without dating.  Do not date your manager or preferably anyone you work with.

If there is healing to be had, e.g. PTSD then heal or at least be well into being healed before starting another relationship.

Guidance?  I assume you have considered leaving your current position to somewhere else where you won’t see your manager/ex-lover?

I assume that you are going to or at least considered therapy to deal with your impending divorce and PTSD.

If not then those are go places to start.

Take care,
Mark

Veronica,

You are asking for input.  Whenever someone acts in a way that they are sorry for, I look for not only an apology but reassurance that they won’t do that again.  See below for one approach in an apology.

 I’m trying to make sense out of how can someone be so sweet, caring, talk about planning a future with me, travel with me but then turn around and be cold, disrspeful, and ignore me.

You can interpret his actions another way, i.e. he is protecting himself emotionally or he can feel ashamed on the way he acted or he is afraid in damaging the relationship.  Regardless, there could be a myriad of reasons why he is behaving this way.  Relationships are maintained and grow based on how well you trust and communicate with each other.

Here is a way to apologize and perhaps that will help get the communication flowing again.

Mark

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How to Apologize Appropriately
In in the Journal of Psycholinguistic Research, psychologists Steven Scher and John Darley present a four-step framework that you can use when you make an apology.

Step 1: Express Remors
Every apology needs to start with two magic words: “I’m sorry,” or “I apologize.” This is essential because these words express remorse over your actions.

For example, you could say: “I’m sorry that I snapped at you yesterday. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by the way I acted.”

Your words need to be sincere and authentic. Be honest with yourself, and with the other person, about why you want to apologize. Never make an apology when you have ulterior motives, or if you see it as a means to an end.

Timeliness is also important here. Apologize as soon as you realize that you’ve wronged someone else.

Step 2: Admit Responsibility
Next, admit responsibility for your actions or behavior, and acknowledge what you did.

Here, you need to emphasize with the person you wronged, and demonstrate that you understand how you made her feel.

Don’t make assumptions – instead, simply try to put yourself in that person’s shoes and imagine how she felt.

For example: “I know that I hurt your feelings yesterday when I snapped at you. I’m sure this embarrassed you, especially since everyone else on the team was there. I was wrong to treat you like that.”

Step 3: Make Amends
When you make amends, you take action to make the situation right.

Here are two examples:

• “If there’s anything that I can do to make this up to you, please just ask.”
• “I realize that I was wrong to doubt your ability to chair our staff meeting. I’d like you to lead the team through tomorrow’s meeting to demonstrate your skills.”

Think carefully about this step. Token gestures or empty promises will do more harm than good. Because you feel guilty, you might also be tempted to give more than what’s appropriate – so be proportionate in what you offer.

Step 4: Promise That It Won’t Happen Again
Your last step is to explain that you won’t repeat the action or behavior.

This step is important because you reassure the other person that you’re going to change your behavior. This helps you rebuild trust and repair the relationship.

You could say: “From now on, I’m going to manage my stress better, so that I don’t snap at you and the rest of the team. And, I want you to call me out if I do this again.”

Make sure that you honor this commitment in the days or weeks to come – if you promise to change your behavior, but don’t follow through, others will question your reputation and your trustworthiness.

John,

You being bad at confrontation (which I can fully relate to) is understandable.  I would suggest you switch roles and ask how you would feel if you got the email?  Would you have found it more respectful getting the news via face-to-face?  Here’s a suggestion: Write out what you want to say and read it to her in person.  I also suggest being explicit, i.e. “you need to move out by X date” rather than leaving it vague.  Keep this concise and don’t make it into a long speech.

Good luck,

Mark