Forum Replies Created
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AuthorPosts
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MarkParticipantDarren,
It sounds like your wife made up her mind. Best to physically separate, i.e. live separately and protect yourself financially and emotionally.
Mark
MarkParticipantLiz,
Is this guy an online relationship too? I go with that anita says, get to know him over time. No need to “like” him especially if you know him from only online. I have a prejudice of online relationships for communication/connection needs to be done in person for body language, vocal inflection, etc. make up almost 80% of human communication and understanding. Plus until you two actually are physically together and deal with real life disputes and situations, then your relationship has not really matured.
Mark
MarkParticipantDarren,
“Attraction” can mean many things. It could mean that you have never paid attention to her, never really listened to her, or whatever else that you did when she first decided to marry you.
If that is something else, then it is on her. Relationships are a two way street. Each of us need to take responsibility on our part of the marriage. It is not just one or the other. It is both of you. If she is already checked out then the marriage is lost because she has not motivation or desire to make any effort to be married to you.
Mark
MarkParticipantDarren,
Have you talked with her? Have you been able to really listen to her? Without judgement or being defensive? Just silently listen to all her rants, raves, anger and pain? Start with that. That way you can really understand what is going on with her.
It does sound like she has give up on the marriage. Have you asked her point blank that she wants to stay married? Let her know that you’d rather divorce than be in a relationship that she has already left. There is no point in staying together otherwise.
The affair is the symptom of her checking out. It is more understanding wether she has totally given up or if she has not then really finding out/listening to her on her unhappiness.
Mark
MarkParticipantJohn
I am not sure what you are looking for on this forum. You have gotten a lot of excellent advice and support. And yet there has been no change in your situation and you continue to angst about it. So what are you looking for?
Mark
MarkParticipantJHK,
What is more enriching is to have face-to-face conversation or even interactive phone conversations. To notice body language, vocal inflections and tonal quality and other cues you can get from these communication modalities give you more information about each other than words on a screen.
Frankly I find having any kind of meaningful conversation as tedious to do over texting.
I assume that these questions are not theoretical but specifically about communication with one particular person. If that is the case then best to ask that person directly for each of us are different in our communication styles and preferences.
Dull and boring are subjective. Enriching is subject to interpretation.
Mark
MarkParticipantToni,
Since you live with him and see him everyday then that’s a tough situation. It’s time to set strict boundaries. Read him the riot act about not talking to you. Make it explicit, direct and forceful. Tell him you won’t respond if he tries.
Whenever you two are in the same room/space then you leave. Follow up by not responding to him when he talks to you. Best to turn your back if he persists and walk away. Even if you need to temporarily go into your bedroom and shut the door then do that. Be consistent and persistent in doing this until he stops being constantly down your throat.
Mark
MarkParticipantWho knows? But why would you do so?
MarkParticipantdodhia
If you decide to marry this man then perhaps you can do this in steps. You can move out of your fathers place and live on your own for a while. You still can continue to see this person who you want to marry but not marry him yet. This way you can continue have a relationship and have this engagement period. This will also help you learn to become more independent. You won’t be under the thumb of your father and you can create your own sense of self while living on your own.
Mark
MarkParticipantJHK
It is always easier to walk away then to be authentic and honest with somebody else. It takes courage and integrity to communicate, especially when the topic is difficult.
Mark
MarkParticipantJHK
It seems that overthinking for you is to project out into the future what may or may not occur. It is not being in the present moment. It’s not acceptance of the present moment. It is wanting to make things happen without patients. It is expectations. It is obsessing. It is worrying over What may or may not be true.
Mark
MarkParticipantlostandconfused,
I am sorry for your emotional pain and confusion. I view dating as a way to get to know someone before getting deeply committed. For most initial phases of meeting someone you like, there is “magic” and potential but then you need to get to know someone over a period of time and circumstances and environments and situations in order to learn who they are and visa versa.
Yes 6 months seems like a long time to spend in thinking about someone and wanting something more but in the grand scheme of things, it is a very short time.
Dating is not only about learning about the other person but about yourself. You can learn more about your own values, what you are willing to do and not do, what boundaries to set, what you are willing to tolerate, how to communicate, how to resolve differences and disputes, etc.
How to move on? Exam what you have learned about this experience and what you will do/think differently for the next relationship.
Mark
MarkParticipantAsh,
You mentioned two behaviors that caused you to step away from him; selfishness and disrespect. Is he aware of that? Is he actively working on changing those behaviors?
I concur with anita’s advice on not worrying on how you feel about him for now. You two don’t have to be a romantic couple in order to co-parent your son.
In the meantime, you two can be friends and see how that evolves and if those behaviors are no longer part of him.
Mark
MarkParticipantTuts,
No I am not suggesting living together before marriage. That is a highly personal preference.
Insofar what I mean by “hard stuff” is that have you two dealt with arguments/differences/misunderstandings with compassionate communication and resolution? Did either of you walk away feeling that you had to give up who you are? Suppress your values? your identity? There is a difference between knowing someone well and be able to deal with these differences.
It sounds like you have/are doing that now with this disapproval.
Here’s an idea. Use a third party mediator to sit down with all of you to discuss this. It sounds like from how you describe your parents that this is probably a futile effort though.
When it comes down to is that you may have to choose between your boyfriend and your parents. As Inky points out, having grandchildren commonly brings families back together.
I wonder what your parents’ story is about their backgrounds and how they came about marrying. This may give you some insight why they are so adamant against your bf.
Mark
MarkParticipantTuts,
From your response, I cannot ascertain how much time you two actually spent physically together. That makes a huge difference. I believe that until two people spent time actually together then it is still projection, fantasy, and a situation that does not actually challenge the couple to deal with each other in a manner that involves dealing with differences, arguments, and pushing each other buttons… and then resolving it through communication, understanding, and compassion.
I recommend pre-martial consoling for that.
Plus your parents may be right, or not. However you two are adults and it is your decision. I find that relationships/marriages don’t work based on the lack of communication and the ability to deal with differences. Do you two have dealt with the hard stuff? I recommend by approaching your marriage with a conscious and mindful way. Check out a pre-martial counselor or reading (together) something from the Gottmans like their latest book, “Eight Dates: The Essential Conversations That Lead to the Lifetime of Love.” The Gottmans are the standard of romantic relationship wisdom.
Even if your relationship crashes and burns, it is YOUR life. You have experienced that and hopefully learned from that. Rarely a relationship fails (in my view) because someone is from a different class or being in debt. It is more on how the person got there and is dealing with that. You have already ascertained his character and that what is important.
My question is how well do you actually know him? It seems that you two have not actually spent much time together face-to-face.
Mark
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 