Kirsty,

I really enjoy the way you’re looking at things and trying to sort it out. Its true that karma binds us together in hoops or circles of patterned relationships, and there is often some kind of a connection. Freud said that we repeat certain relationships over and over until we figure out why we keep getting into them. Said differently, sometimes when we have unresolved conflicts that we still we carry with us, we naturally move toward situations that reflect the discomforting states. It can help us heal old wounds, and perhaps we’re drawn to them because we want to heal the internal mirroring. Perhaps we keep repeating the same error, fall into the same unhealthy patters. Either way, its good to untangle them. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, we are the light to our world. Often times the people around us only look dark because that’s what we’re seeing. If we self nurture, such as a metta practice or walking in nature, what we see lightens. People aren’t bad people, they have lots of noble qualities that become obscured when they suffer. One friend might be a great artist, but gets frustrated easily. Another might be a great mom, but fail at relationships. As we remain nourished and full of light, we help inspire the nobility in us and those around us.

That being said, my teacher also loved to remind me that life is not meant to be an endurance trial. The sangha is one of the pillars of development, and communing with like minded people is important. Otherwise, we get too far uprooted from our own truth, and become a “tiger in the woods”. This happens to monks who spend too much time away from a meditative community, but it happens to us as well, when our relationships are unstable or draining.

What we often mistakenly do is “beat people up” with truth. We see someone acting in an afflicting way (to self or others) and get flustered with them, judge them. The way my teacher described this was like going into a dance club. Its actually quite rude to tell them to turn the music down, and silly for us to get mad at the noise. If we have a friend that is consistently angry, for instance, we can try to help them if they want it, but otherwise our peace rekindles when we leave the club. Said differently, we don’t have the right or obligation to try to change people, and if they consistently pull us away from our mindfulness, it is OK to simply walk away. “Do no harm” and so forth.

A focus we can use for contemplation, if we’re curious about our side of the karma, is to consider how Buddha could sit in the pah of a charging elephant and be undisturbed. So, what are we bringing to the moment? What is additional?

With warmth,
Matt

April,

For those of us that can be very goal oriented, it can be a challenge to find balance. Without knowing the specifics of your feeling of imbalance, its difficult to say exactly how to find it. Generally, the balance we need to find is between helping others and helping ourselves. Said differently, as a healer of others sometimes it is easy to overlook your own needs. As those needs go unmet, the quality of life can recede… leading to fatigue, stress, burnout and so forth.

A good check is to self examine your stress levels when not in a stressful situation. Do you have difficulty unwinding, sleeping, being present with friends and family? Do you feel uneasy even in the presence of external spaciousness and beauty? If you are, its time to do some more self nurturing. Go on a walk in nature, have a spa day, follow a hobby, spend some time laughing, or especially do some meditation. Its very important to refuel in such ways, not only does your life and happiness matter to us all, but it increases the quality of energy you bring to those you help. Its a win-win.

If you’d like something aimed more specifically, feel free to elaborate on where you feel you’re falling out of balance. There’s always a path of joy available to us, and those of us who dedicate themselves to the health of humanity can often find that path quickly, simply. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Rayne,

You ask some great questions! It is worth mentioning that your desires are noble, and as you look for inner peace and to strengthen your compassion, the external circumstances provide lots of opportunity for practicing. They say Buddhism is a practice, because our habits reemerge as soon as our butt leaves the cushion. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The first is be patient. We have many delusions and much ignorance that we disentangle and erode. It takes time. Buddha taught that these challenges are impermanent, all phenomena are, and remembering that helps a lot. Rather than becoming restless with our suffering (and others’) we can simply tend. We notice what is arising, accept it will pass through us shortly, and stay with the breath or other meditation object. “Yes, rippling and restless mind, this is the nature of mind” and concentrate on the feeling of breath. The ripples fade as we tend in this way.

Another thing Buddha taught was “not-self”. Using this helps to further disentangle our view from afflicting mental state. Said differently, as you see a situation that is “invasive to your happiness”, there is a double delusion arising. The situation is actually empty of any inherent meaning, or has no “self”. Neither does the person observing it. The entanglement is the personal “self” clashing with the invasive “self”. Said differently, the “invasive” quality is projected outward from the mind, not produced externally and pushing inward. As we continue to meditate, it becomes more and more clear. My teacher used to say that we are living in a beautiful garden and constantly jumping at shadows, at projections.

To stabilize and dig our roots deep into the dharma, into peace and compassion we can do a metta practice. Metta is very nourishing to use for many reasons. First, it moves us from conditional nourishment to unconditioned nourishment for our happiness. As we learn to have kindness for all living beings, the appearance of trespassing simply vanishes. Much like when we love our children, their selfishness is accepted as “where they are” and we tend to it skillfully with love. Metta also helps create a peaceful mind, because it softens and erodes our resentment, greed, anger. When we can see hundreds of billions of living things all reaching for sun and earth in their own ways, there is no need for aggression, no cause for its arrival. Finally, metta also produces an emotional warmth in the body, which produces concentration. We move into a state of warmth, and notice its fading. We become naturally curious as to why it faded, what happened, what to do next. So we refuel our warmth and look. Not do, just look.

What we find is that our intention slipped… we produced the coldness as we met up with an experience our heart was not able to stay open toward. For instance, we get off the cushion, warm and ready. Then we stub our toe. Ouch! That damn couch! Oops, the couch was just being a couch, and a little toe pain zipped that warmth right out. So we go back to the cushion when we can. Warm and ready. The phone rings. Damn telemarketer! Oops, just a sibling trying to make their way in the world, there it zipped again. Back to the cushion, back to the breath, back to becoming the genesis of light and love within the world. Up and down we go, exercising the strength of heart, and we become stronger and more resilient to what arises in our view.

For the “coping with change”, that is part curiosity, part courage. The unknown is always right in front of us, and if we accept that, we can explore it with openness. Sure we’ll fail and succeed and fail and succeed, that is the story. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Ananya,

Its great that you can see the thorn so directly! So, if you can see that the emotional outbursting arises from the fears and betrayals of the past, then perhaps the forgiveness rests there as well. Consider that forgiving the previous boyfriend for cheating is perhaps the key to your present moment happiness. Back then, you made his cheating and betrayal about you, which is normal and usual. For instance, when he slept with another woman, perhaps you said “how could you do that to ME!”

The unfortunate result of doing that is the ME traps part of your happiness and stability. Like a thorn in the foot, when we make other people’s actions about us we end up with the feeling of anger. So we forgive. This let’s us heal from the past, so the outbursts don’t happen anymore. Said differently, when we forgive the people who have trespassed, we pull out the thorn and begin to heal. Then, we’re not so sensitive as we move forward.

Specifically, in your situation… as Ananya was cheated on, a thorn developed in your heart and mind. Now, when “other woman connecting to my partner” arises, it brushes up against that memory of betrayal and causes anger, shock, pressure and so forth. So, forgiveness is one thing, but repentance is another. When we realize what we are stuck in is painful for us and our loved ones, we move to heal the thorn, do what we can to stop that from happening again.

This is why we forgive others who have done us injustice. Its not because we wish for their actions to be acceptable, we want to be free. Cheating destroys an intimacy. Your ex either did not know that, or didn’t care… either way, he missed out. That’s between him and his heart, his foolishness. It has nothing to do with you. If we embrace that, letting other people’s suffering remain about them, then we can let go. We can heal. He made some dumb choices, and lost. That’s enough.

Perhaps, if you’re still with me, you can see that once the thorn is out, we can fill the wound with love and warmth. This can be done in many ways, but it is about self nurturing. Self caring. We treat ourselves kindly, with gentleness and patience. Going on nature walks, taking a bath, creating our art… actions which nourish our heart and help us settle and feel peace. One thing I find to be very nourishing in this way is metta meditation. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon guided metta” if you’re interested… her particular method may really help.

With warmth,
Matt

William,

I’m sorry for the pain and confusion you’re experiencing, and hope you find peace and stability. Sometimes when we find ourselves in relationships where a lot of criticism arises, it can quickly become one sided. For instance, if people were in the habit of dumping their stress at you, in the form of “abusing you” in various ways, perhaps they come to expect you to just take it. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

It seems that you’re in a wonderful position, even though it seems painful right now. You have realized the need for boundaries, such as not letting yourself be abused. You’ve realized that when you angrily create boundaries, it is painful for you. These are two great pieces of information. The goal or aim becomes: how to I relate to them, create boundaries, enforce boundaries, and do so with strength, but kindness. This is the magic middle path where other people’s crap remains about them, and we do not get pulled in. Said differently, to protect your tender heart, it is important to work skillfully with your side of things, to minimize your own suffering from the experiences.

If you can simply move on, and enjoy the experiences you’re having, that would be great. When you are in the situations, look for the joy and beauty that is present. The sights, the sounds, the companionship… try to be as present as possible, and look for the good. If the people you have karma with start poking at you, perhaps you could consider adopting peaceful resistance, such as Ghandi. “I don’t like when you say things like that to me.” Peaceful, honest, strong. “Let’s talk about something else.” “Ah, what an interesting thing to say. I’m going to go talk to someone else.” Their junk is not about you, and as you will yourself to disengage, detach, move on without anger, you can regain the joyousness of heart you’re missing.

Also, it may be helpful if you have the time or curiosity to begin a metta meditation practice. Metta is a warm feeling of friendship that arises in our body. Much like hunger arises when we need food, metta arises when we wish beings well. Search on YouTube for “guided metta meditation” if you’re interested. It is highly stabilizing and nourishing. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Sandy,

It seems from your words that the intimacy you have with him is a lot less than what you would like to have. Not sleeping in the same bedroom, not spending much time with one another… those might be a fine relationship for some, but if it is something you don’t like, that’s fine, and worth honoring. Considering you’re not that far into a relationship with him, and there are some pretty heavy red flags waving, it might be easier to walk away. Transforming what you have into what youd like to have would require mutual growth, mutual commitment, mutual compromise. Does that sound like something you think he wants to do? What do you want to do?

Perhaps if you look inside and figure out what you want, both ideally if you were to get all of your dreams to come true, as well as realistically, recognizing that compromise is often essential. This might help you understand your needs… or “deal breakers” that if ignored lead your heart to yearn for a different path. You do not sound unreasonable in wanting to see certain things in your relationship. The only unreasonable thing that comes up from those needs is demanding others change. We can invite them, ask them, but their growth is between them and their heart. Said differently, we can invite them to step to the plate and join us in a mutually nourishing experience, and if they decline, move on.

With warmth,
Matt

B,

It seems to me that the lack of motivation to do things for yourself is normal and usual when we come from a pattern of people pleasing. We give and give our energy, and our cup empties. Then, we look to those around us to refill us, to care back. Sometimes they do, often they don’t, and so we sit, unsettled and empty of warm feelings. Often we even feel resentment (“I did all that and you didn’t even say thanks”). So not only are we emotionally hungry, but the food we end up eating is bitter.

I’m sorry your parents and siblings treated you the way they did. Its not fair. 🙁 But, it is what is, what was. There is always a path to joy, however, and its up to us to walk it. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

First, its no wonder you don’t like doing things for yourself very much. People you loved told you that your only value was in the way you helped them! Obviously, that is not correct and reveals their selfishness, but perhaps you accepted that view as true. The Pia Mellody book will continue to reveal the ways in which that intertwines with self identity, and why doing nice things for ourselves is something we do anyway.

We can start giving ourselves the validation and appreciation we’ve been seeking in little bits, breath by breath. “Thank you, B, for cooking me dinner. Its delicious.” “Thank you, B, for such a beautiful home, and caring for it so diligently.” Little bits, here and there, we remind ourselves just how many wonderful things we do for our benefit. This refuels that cup, our energy system, our esteem. You might not feel it at first, you might thank yourself through gritted teeth as a forced squeak. That’s OK, keep going. 🙂

With warmth
Matt

Barbs,

Trust is difficult to regain once it has been bruised badly. Old habits are always lurking, ready to jump out and grab our attention. We’ll never be perfect (what does that mean anyway) and future moments of pain are nearly inevitable. Is that OK? You are a strong woman, Barb, and no matter which path you walk, joy will be available. Its OK to accept that trust takes time to rebuild. Its OK to accept that you don’t want to take that time, or that perhaps you really aren’t safe. Its between you and your heart, what you want.

One thing that helped a friend of mine was to take time to look at how our partner’s side of the reoccurring “roundabout” is from their suffering, their fear, their confusion. It can soften the impact of it to see clearly, directly. You both get sucked in and spin, neither one of you really “starts it”. The real question becomes do you feel both of you are invested in the noble effort it takes to disentangle?

Namaste, sister.

With warmth,
Matt