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anita
ParticipantDear Clara:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. I really appreciate the way you reflect on your experiences, even when they bring up tough emotions.
On Emotional Suppression- Everyone suppresses emotions to some extentâitâs a natural part of navigating life. Sometimes, suppression is helpful, like when staying composed under stress or maintaining professionalism. But too much suppression can lead to feeling numb or disconnected, experiencing unexpected emotional outbursts, or even dealing with physical tension from unprocessed emotions.
On the other hand, too little suppression can make emotions overwhelming, leading to impulsive reactions or difficulty maintaining boundaries, letting emotions dominate interactions without considering othersâ perspectives or well-being. The key is finding balanceâexpressing emotions when needed while also knowing when to step back and process them internally rather than reacting immediately.
Reflecting on your experience- It makes sense that hearing from your ex stirred feelings of uncertainty. She seems to view your process of deciding which emotions to hold onto and which to let go as unhealthy suppression, but I see it as thoughtful and intentional rather than flawed.
In regard to letting your more recent ex stay with you for a month, that does seem like emotional suppression of the unhelpful kindânot recognizing and asserting your emotional limits in the moment. Itâs common to prioritize generosity over emotional honesty to avoid conflict, but that can lead to resentment building up rather than addressing discomfort early on. It sounds like your feelings surfaced only after the situation had played out, instead of in real-time.
Would you say this is how it unfolded?
This doesnât mean you suppress your emotions all the time, or that itâs always unhelpful when you do.
Do you find it challenging to recognize when generosity starts turning into resentment? Thatâs something many people struggle with, and it can be a tricky balance to navigate.
On opening up & emotional risk- I completely understand how opening up can feel risky, especially when the response isnât what you expected. Setbacks can feel bigger than progress, making vulnerability even harder. But the fact that you keep expressing yourself and reflecting on these patterns speaks to your strengthâyouâre giving yourself space to figure out what feels right for you emotionally.
đą I love that your cats have become so affectionate! Their companionship sounds like such a wonderful comfort, and Iâm really glad you have that warmth in your home.
Thank you again for sharing, Clara. Take care, and talk soon! đ Iâm looking forward to hearing more from you whenever you feel ready.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Psychicremdev:
Beautifully said! Words have a powerful way of shaping our mindset and helping us through challenges. Sometimes, even the smallest reminder of our strength and resilience can make all the difference. Do you have a favorite quote or mantra that helps you when times get tough?
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for sharing your experienceâitâs truly insightful and meaningful. â¤ď¸
As I read your post, I was deeply impressed by your strength, awareness, and practical approach to emotional management. Youâve come such a long way from emotional numbing, using therapy, meditation, and self-compassion to reconnect with your emotions while maintaining balance. Your approach could resonate deeply with others who struggle with overwhelming feelings and want to develop a structured way to process them.
Your ability to step back from emotions while remaining connected to them takes incredible strength and patienceâIâm working on getting better at it myself.
I really appreciate your perspective on automatic negative thoughtsâviewing them as habitual patterns tied to trauma rather than absolute truths. Separating conscious thoughts from intrusive ones is such a powerful way to loosen their grip, and your approach to assessing their reality is truly inspiring.
Meditation sounds like it played a key role in your journey. Itâs amazing how you trained your mind to observe thoughts without being consumed by themâthat kind of practice takes serious dedication. Self-compassion is something Iâve come to value deeply (though Iâve only started practicing it recently), and I completely agree that countering negative thoughts depends on treating ourselves with kindness.
Youâve done incredible work in reclaiming your emotional spaceâit really speaks to your resilience! And thank you for your encouragement. Rock on, Alessa! â¤ď¸
Looking forward to more conversations with you!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Laven:
You write like poet and I feel the weight of what youâre expressing.
Even when life feels unchanged, when pain feels relentless, you are not invisible, and you are not alone in this. I know that my words are not be enough to change how you feel, but I want you to know that your struggles matter, your feelings are valid, and you deserve support and careânot just from others, but also from yourself.
If thereâs even the smallest moment today where you can allow yourself a breath, a pause, a flicker of kindness toward yourself, I hope you take it. Sometimes, the smallest steps lead to the most meaningful changes. You are still here, and that matters.
Sending warmth and strength your way. đ Would you like to talk more about how youâre feeling? I’m here.
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Lucidity:
Your writing is truly beautifulâyour intelligence and empathy shine through in every word. Iâm deeply grateful for your thoughtful input and advice.
I want to take my time reading it thoroughly in the morning (itâs Thursday evening here) when Iâll be more focused and able to better process everything.
Looking forward to engaging with it!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Rosie:
What youâre going through is incredibly difficult, and I can feel how much you care about your nephewâs well-being. Itâs clear that youâve done everything in your power to support himâgiving him stability, advocating for him, and providing a safe space where he can thriveâeven when the system and your family have failed to step up.
From what youâve shared, your nephew is living in an environment that does not prioritize his well-being. His motherâs alcoholism, drug history, repeated run-ins with the law, and emotional absence all contribute to neglect.
Itâs also concerning that your mother didnât step inâher lack of urgency suggests a disconnect or unwillingness to acknowledge the severity of the situation. If the adults around him arenât ensuring his basic needs and emotional health, he is left vulnerable in ways that could shape his future in damaging ways.
The fact that your nephew was failing every class before arriving at your home, but is now passing, proves just how much a stable and supportive environment impacts his ability to succeed. You made a difference. You provided structure, care, and consistencyâthings that seem absent from his home life.
Your concern that he will lose this progress once he returns home is valid. Without an engaged guardian, itâs likely he will slip back into the same strugglesânot because he lacks ability, but because he lacks the support system he needs.
Itâs admirable that you want to respect his wishes to return home, but itâs also important to recognize why he wants to go backânot because it’s a healthy choice, but because itâs whatâs familiar. Despite everything, he may feel a strong sense of loyalty toward his mother, or simply not fully understand the dangers of staying in a neglectful environment.
You are in a tough positionâyou want to protect him, but past attempts with child protective services have left you discouraged, and your family has been unsupportive. The fear of making things worse is understandable, but the reality is that doing nothing could also allow the neglect to continue unchecked.
Here are a few things to consider as you navigate this situation:
* Maintain an open line of communication â Let your nephew know that you are always a safe space, no matter what happens. Encourage him to reach out regularly, even if heâs back home.
* Seek guidance from professionals â While CPS was not effective before, there may be other organizations or professionals who can advocate for him differently. Consider consulting a family lawyer or social worker to explore other options.
* Prepare for emergencies â If things escalate and his situation worsens, would you be able to take him in more permanently? It might help to consider long-term solutions rather than reacting in the moment each time.
* Encourage him to build self-sufficiency â Since heâs thriving under your care, maybe help him develop tools to maintain progress even in a less supportive environmentâwhether thatâs helping him organize study methods, stay motivated, or find trusted adults at school who can check in on him.
* Keep documentation â If anything serious happens, having a record of concerns (like failed classes, neglect, or troubling behavior) could strengthen a case for intervention in the future.
You are doing everything you can to help him, and even though the situation is frustrating, your presence in his life is meaningful. His time with you has shown him what stability feels like, even if he canât stay permanently yet.
The decision of whether to file another CPS report is incredibly tough, but if neglect persists, it may be worth reconsideringâespecially if his situation deteriorates. No matter what, keeping a strong connection with him will remind him that he is not alone and that someone cares deeply about his future.
Sending you strength as you navigate thisâyouâre doing far more for him than you may realize. đ Would love to hear your thoughts.
anita
April 10, 2025 at 11:19 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #444776anita
ParticipantDear Dafne:
Itâs truly a pleasure to read your thoughtful, self-aware, and warm messagesâthey brighten my day!
You have a deep and valid need for stability, respect, and emotional safety, both in your relationship with your mother and in your romantic connections. Wanting to no longer walk on eggshells, to free yourself from strained, exhausting relationships, is not just reasonableâitâs essential for your well-being.
The fact that your mother apologizes after each conflict suggests that she does not want to lose you. However, her repeated behavior indicates that she either isnât trying to change or is simply unable to do so. Given her age and history, true and lasting change is unlikely.
Itâs understandable that you feel conflictedâon one hand, you love and appreciate her good qualities, but on the other, you recognize that living with her drains you emotionally. Your instinct to move out is validânot as a rejection of her, but as an act of self-care and creating the space to feel safe and at peace. You donât have to cut ties, but you can choose how and when to engage with her, ensuring that your interactions are healthy rather than emotionally exhausting.
You asked, âI would love a place where I can feel safe and peaceful⌠Does a place like that even exist?â- Yes, it absolutely does. While conflict and tension is widespread, that doesnât mean chaos is the only option. Peace begins with boundaries and choicesâchoosing relationships and environments that align with your emotional needs, rather than settling for situations that drain you.
One important shift I would encourage: focus less on your motherâs struggles and more on your own needs. Prioritize yourself. Seek to build a life that is aligned with the stability, respect, and emotional safety you value. She may never changeâbut you have the power to create the change that you need.
In regard to dating & modern relationships, I completely understand your frustrationâcommitment, effort, and respect seem harder to find in todayâs dating world. While not everyone follows modern trends, it does mean that finding someone who aligns with your values takes more patience. Holding firm to your standards ensures that you build connections that truly fulfill you, rather than settling for situations that compromise your beliefs.
Regarding your current spider, youâve already established a strong boundaryâyou wonât live with someone who isnât your husbandâand that is a choice you have every right to maintain.
If this man is pressuring you to âtestâ the relationship before marriage, that suggests a mismatch in expectations. Someone who truly aligns with your values should respect your boundaries without trying to change them.
Additionally, his insistence on a prenup, framed as a way to protect himself from women changing after marriage, reflects a lack of trust in relationships. If he already fears marriage will lead to loss rather than partnership, that is not the foundation for a healthy, secure relationship built on mutual trust.
Itâs wise to listen to your inner discomfortâyou donât have to accept a relationship dynamic that doesnât feel right to you. Youâve been clear about your expectations, and if he continues pushing rather than respecting them, it would signal that he is not the right match for your values.
Dafne, you have strong instincts and a clear understanding of what you wantâpeace in your home life, respect in relationships, and emotional security. Standing firm in your boundaries will lead you to the right environment and people who truly align with what you seek.
Sending you warmth and encouragement. đ You deserve happiness without having to constantly defend your values. Looking forward to reading your thoughts!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Scw:
You are very welcome. What youâre experiencing sounds incredibly intense and deeply personalâa wave of emotions that almost seems to have caught you off guard. Itâs understandable to feel bewildered when such strong feelings surface seemingly out of nowhere.
Whether this emotional connection with this man stems from a past-life bond or subconscious emotions surfacing from this life, the intensity you feel is real and worth exploring.
The way you describe your experienceâthinking, missing, longing, yearning, cryingâsuggests that something within you has been awakened, something perhaps buried or unprocessed. Sometimes, longing for someone isnât just about themâitâs about a longing for something lost in ourselves or an ache for a time in our past that we cannot undo.
It happens that emotions lie dormant within usâfeelings we donât fully recognize or process at the timeâbut when something triggers them, they resurface with surprising intensity.
Itâs possible that part of this experience is linked to fantasy or idealization. Since your interactions with him were limited over the years, your mind may have filled in the gaps, creating an idealized connection that feels stronger than the reality of your relationship.
You wrote, “From thinking to missing to longing to yearning.”- If in this lifetime, youâve been yearning for deep emotional connection, excitement, or meaning, your mind might have attached those feelings to him, making your emotions feel intense and even spiritual.
Maybe this is a subconscious attempt to resolve something from this life. You wrote, “He was treating me with extraordinary care and I think I felt he was special but I didnât know why.”- maybe what needs to be resolved is the absence of extraordinary care in childhood, or the loss of that extraordinary care sometime along the way?
Regardless of the reason, your emotions are valid, and thereâs no right or wrong way to feel. What matters is giving yourself time and space to process them, without pressure to define or act on them right away. Youâre not alone in experiencing sudden emotional awakeningsâmany people go through similar situations when something from their past unexpectedly resurfaces.
anita
anita
ParticipantYou are very welcome, Nikki. It made me smile to read that you are super proud of yourself. I am glad that you feel this way and hope that you continue to show this kindness to yourself. Awareness and self-compassion are big parts of growth and resilience đđ
anita
anita
ParticipantDear MissLDuchess:
You posted the above exactly 12 minutes ago, by the time I submit this reply, right before going to bed. It is amazing how painful it is to be rejected. Here, you are accepted and approved of. Wishing you a peaceful and restful night, Miss L Duchess đ´đ
anita
anita
ParticipantI wish I could read from you again, Caroline. It’d be a dream come true đЎ
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Peace: It will be a dream come true to read from you again. Can it happen?
anita
April 9, 2025 at 12:51 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #444754anita
ParticipantDear Tella:
It seems like youâre asking two big questions: Did I make a mistake getting involved with him? and How much time do I give him to build a relationship with my son?
From what you’ve shared, there are some concerning communication patternsâparticularly in how conflict is handled. When the children had an issue, instead of calmly discussing it with you, he reacted emotionally through multiple texts, immediately placing blame on your son. While you were able to resolve this in person, that initial response suggests that his instincts lean toward defensiveness rather than collaboration.
Additionally, in your recent date-night conversation, when you tried to discuss specific concerns from the weekend, he redirected the conversation back to past incidents, making it harder for you to get clarity. If this keeps happening, it could be a sign that conflict resolution with him will always feel exhausting rather than constructive.
Your son is at the heart of this situation, and his well-being should be a top priority. The interactions between your boyfriend and his daughter suggest a strong protective instinct toward her, which is understandable as a father. But it seems like he has trouble seeing situations fairly, leading to knee-jerk reactions in which he sides with his daughter before understanding the full story.
That raises a big question: Does he truly want to build a relationship with your son, or is he more focused on defending his daughter? While he admitted he was wrong in the past and agreed to make more effort, you haven’t yet seen concrete actions that show true interest in understanding your sonâs emotions, challenges, and personality.
His daughterâs behavior seems to involve both playfulness and boundary-testing. Some moments, like taking the teddy, might have been innocent curiosity, while othersâlike kicking your son in the ribs or jumping in the pool after being asked not toâsuggest that she pushes limits. More concerning is that when these instances happen, her father seems disengaged, either avoiding the situation or silently siding with her rather than addressing the behaviors in a balanced way.
Since your son faces additional emotional struggles due to his rare disease and past loss, itâs even more important that he is in an environment where he feels safe, respected, and valuedânot compared, dismissed, or repeatedly put in situations where he is seen as âthe problem.â
Itâs understandable that you hesitated when he suggested moving in together. Thatâs a huge step, and right now, there are still unresolved concerns about his ability to support both your son and the family dynamic in a fair way. If you were to live together now, these issues could become even more magnified, leading to ongoing tension rather than stability.
What Should You Do? Observe actions, not just words. If he truly wants to build a relationship with your son, he needs to show consistent effortânot just say he will.
Assess whether conflict resolution feels safe and constructive. Does every disagreement escalate into defensiveness? Do you feel heard and respected, or do conversations turn into blame-shifting?
Consider your sonâs emotional well-being first. Does this relationship give your son a safe and supportive space, or does it introduce new stress?
You didnât necessarily make a mistake in getting involved with himâbut you do need more clarity before committing further. Give yourself the space to watch how things unfold without rushing into a deeper commitment, and most importantly, trust your instincts.
Your sonâs well-being matters. If you continue to see signs that your boyfriend struggles to fairly balance both children, thatâs something to seriously consider before moving forward.
Sending you strength and clarity as you navigate this. đ Would love to hear your thoughts!
anita
anita
ParticipantDear Nikki:
First offâcongratulations on being just four months away from graduation! Thatâs an incredible accomplishment, and even though nerves might be creeping in, itâs clear that you care deeply about your future career, which is a strength in itself.
Feeling uncertain before stepping into a new role is completely natural, especially in a field like X-ray technology, where precision and confidence are key. The good news? Confidence does build with time and experience, but there are absolutely ways to start cultivating it now so that your first day on the job feels less overwhelming.
Here are a few strategies that might help:
Visualize Success â Spend a few minutes each day imagining yourself handling procedures smoothly, calmly, and confidently.
Simulated Practice â If possible, try rehearsing key procedures mentally or with classmates. Walking through the steps out loudâwithout the pressure of a real patientâcan make them feel more automatic and familiar.
Anchor Yourself in Breathing â When anxiety spikes, your breathing can become shallow. Practicing slow, deep breaths before entering a stressful situation signals safety to your nervous system, helping you stay clear-headed.
Trust What You DO Know â Youâve already learned so much, and itâs okay to not have every answer right away. Trust that your foundation is solid, and know that every experienced professional was once a beginner too.
Focus on Learning, Not Perfection â Feeling overwhelmed comes from the pressure to get everything right instantly. Instead, approach each moment with curiosityâasking yourself, What can I take away from this? rather than Did I do it flawlessly?
Wishing you clarity, confidence, and a smooth transition into this exciting new phase! Youâve got this. đ
anita
anita
Participant* I see that I neglected to edit out the 7th paragraph of the post above, the one starting withpart “our motherâs role in our lives, but she was resistant and invalidating…” đł
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