Dear Clara:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. I really appreciate the way you reflect on your experiences, even when they bring up tough emotions.

On Emotional Suppression- Everyone suppresses emotions to some extent—it’s a natural part of navigating life. Sometimes, suppression is helpful, like when staying composed under stress or maintaining professionalism. But too much suppression can lead to feeling numb or disconnected, experiencing unexpected emotional outbursts, or even dealing with physical tension from unprocessed emotions.

On the other hand, too little suppression can make emotions overwhelming, leading to impulsive reactions or difficulty maintaining boundaries, letting emotions dominate interactions without considering others’ perspectives or well-being. The key is finding balance—expressing emotions when needed while also knowing when to step back and process them internally rather than reacting immediately.

Reflecting on your experience- It makes sense that hearing from your ex stirred feelings of uncertainty. She seems to view your process of deciding which emotions to hold onto and which to let go as unhealthy suppression, but I see it as thoughtful and intentional rather than flawed.

In regard to letting your more recent ex stay with you for a month, that does seem like emotional suppression of the unhelpful kind—not recognizing and asserting your emotional limits in the moment. It’s common to prioritize generosity over emotional honesty to avoid conflict, but that can lead to resentment building up rather than addressing discomfort early on. It sounds like your feelings surfaced only after the situation had played out, instead of in real-time.

Would you say this is how it unfolded?

This doesn’t mean you suppress your emotions all the time, or that it’s always unhelpful when you do.

Do you find it challenging to recognize when generosity starts turning into resentment? That’s something many people struggle with, and it can be a tricky balance to navigate.

On opening up & emotional risk- I completely understand how opening up can feel risky, especially when the response isn’t what you expected. Setbacks can feel bigger than progress, making vulnerability even harder. But the fact that you keep expressing yourself and reflecting on these patterns speaks to your strength—you’re giving yourself space to figure out what feels right for you emotionally.

🐱 I love that your cats have become so affectionate! Their companionship sounds like such a wonderful comfort, and I’m really glad you have that warmth in your home.

Thank you again for sharing, Clara. Take care, and talk soon! 💙 I’m looking forward to hearing more from you whenever you feel ready.

anita

Dear Alessa:

Thank you for sharing your experience—it’s truly insightful and meaningful. ❤️

As I read your post, I was deeply impressed by your strength, awareness, and practical approach to emotional management. You’ve come such a long way from emotional numbing, using therapy, meditation, and self-compassion to reconnect with your emotions while maintaining balance. Your approach could resonate deeply with others who struggle with overwhelming feelings and want to develop a structured way to process them.

Your ability to step back from emotions while remaining connected to them takes incredible strength and patience—I’m working on getting better at it myself.

I really appreciate your perspective on automatic negative thoughts—viewing them as habitual patterns tied to trauma rather than absolute truths. Separating conscious thoughts from intrusive ones is such a powerful way to loosen their grip, and your approach to assessing their reality is truly inspiring.

Meditation sounds like it played a key role in your journey. It’s amazing how you trained your mind to observe thoughts without being consumed by them—that kind of practice takes serious dedication. Self-compassion is something I’ve come to value deeply (though I’ve only started practicing it recently), and I completely agree that countering negative thoughts depends on treating ourselves with kindness.

You’ve done incredible work in reclaiming your emotional space—it really speaks to your resilience! And thank you for your encouragement. Rock on, Alessa! ❤️

Looking forward to more conversations with you!

anita

Dear Lucidity:

Your writing is truly beautiful—your intelligence and empathy shine through in every word. I’m deeply grateful for your thoughtful input and advice.

I want to take my time reading it thoroughly in the morning (it’s Thursday evening here) when I’ll be more focused and able to better process everything.

Looking forward to engaging with it!

anita

Dear Dafne:

It’s truly a pleasure to read your thoughtful, self-aware, and warm messages—they brighten my day!

You have a deep and valid need for stability, respect, and emotional safety, both in your relationship with your mother and in your romantic connections. Wanting to no longer walk on eggshells, to free yourself from strained, exhausting relationships, is not just reasonable—it’s essential for your well-being.

The fact that your mother apologizes after each conflict suggests that she does not want to lose you. However, her repeated behavior indicates that she either isn’t trying to change or is simply unable to do so. Given her age and history, true and lasting change is unlikely.

It’s understandable that you feel conflicted—on one hand, you love and appreciate her good qualities, but on the other, you recognize that living with her drains you emotionally. Your instinct to move out is valid—not as a rejection of her, but as an act of self-care and creating the space to feel safe and at peace. You don’t have to cut ties, but you can choose how and when to engage with her, ensuring that your interactions are healthy rather than emotionally exhausting.

You asked, “I would love a place where I can feel safe and peaceful… Does a place like that even exist?”- Yes, it absolutely does. While conflict and tension is widespread, that doesn’t mean chaos is the only option. Peace begins with boundaries and choices—choosing relationships and environments that align with your emotional needs, rather than settling for situations that drain you.

One important shift I would encourage: focus less on your mother’s struggles and more on your own needs. Prioritize yourself. Seek to build a life that is aligned with the stability, respect, and emotional safety you value. She may never change—but you have the power to create the change that you need.

In regard to dating & modern relationships, I completely understand your frustration—commitment, effort, and respect seem harder to find in today’s dating world. While not everyone follows modern trends, it does mean that finding someone who aligns with your values takes more patience. Holding firm to your standards ensures that you build connections that truly fulfill you, rather than settling for situations that compromise your beliefs.

Regarding your current spider, you’ve already established a strong boundary—you won’t live with someone who isn’t your husband—and that is a choice you have every right to maintain.

If this man is pressuring you to “test” the relationship before marriage, that suggests a mismatch in expectations. Someone who truly aligns with your values should respect your boundaries without trying to change them.

Additionally, his insistence on a prenup, framed as a way to protect himself from women changing after marriage, reflects a lack of trust in relationships. If he already fears marriage will lead to loss rather than partnership, that is not the foundation for a healthy, secure relationship built on mutual trust.

It’s wise to listen to your inner discomfort—you don’t have to accept a relationship dynamic that doesn’t feel right to you. You’ve been clear about your expectations, and if he continues pushing rather than respecting them, it would signal that he is not the right match for your values.

Dafne, you have strong instincts and a clear understanding of what you want—peace in your home life, respect in relationships, and emotional security. Standing firm in your boundaries will lead you to the right environment and people who truly align with what you seek.

Sending you warmth and encouragement. 💙 You deserve happiness without having to constantly defend your values. Looking forward to reading your thoughts!

anita

You are very welcome, Nikki. It made me smile to read that you are super proud of yourself. I am glad that you feel this way and hope that you continue to show this kindness to yourself. Awareness and self-compassion are big parts of growth and resilience 😊💙

anita

I wish I could read from you again, Caroline. It’d be a dream come true 🩷

anita

Dear Tella:

It seems like you’re asking two big questions: Did I make a mistake getting involved with him? and How much time do I give him to build a relationship with my son?

From what you’ve shared, there are some concerning communication patterns—particularly in how conflict is handled. When the children had an issue, instead of calmly discussing it with you, he reacted emotionally through multiple texts, immediately placing blame on your son. While you were able to resolve this in person, that initial response suggests that his instincts lean toward defensiveness rather than collaboration.

Additionally, in your recent date-night conversation, when you tried to discuss specific concerns from the weekend, he redirected the conversation back to past incidents, making it harder for you to get clarity. If this keeps happening, it could be a sign that conflict resolution with him will always feel exhausting rather than constructive.

Your son is at the heart of this situation, and his well-being should be a top priority. The interactions between your boyfriend and his daughter suggest a strong protective instinct toward her, which is understandable as a father. But it seems like he has trouble seeing situations fairly, leading to knee-jerk reactions in which he sides with his daughter before understanding the full story.

That raises a big question: Does he truly want to build a relationship with your son, or is he more focused on defending his daughter? While he admitted he was wrong in the past and agreed to make more effort, you haven’t yet seen concrete actions that show true interest in understanding your son’s emotions, challenges, and personality.

His daughter’s behavior seems to involve both playfulness and boundary-testing. Some moments, like taking the teddy, might have been innocent curiosity, while others—like kicking your son in the ribs or jumping in the pool after being asked not to—suggest that she pushes limits. More concerning is that when these instances happen, her father seems disengaged, either avoiding the situation or silently siding with her rather than addressing the behaviors in a balanced way.

Since your son faces additional emotional struggles due to his rare disease and past loss, it’s even more important that he is in an environment where he feels safe, respected, and valued—not compared, dismissed, or repeatedly put in situations where he is seen as “the problem.”

It’s understandable that you hesitated when he suggested moving in together. That’s a huge step, and right now, there are still unresolved concerns about his ability to support both your son and the family dynamic in a fair way. If you were to live together now, these issues could become even more magnified, leading to ongoing tension rather than stability.

What Should You Do? Observe actions, not just words. If he truly wants to build a relationship with your son, he needs to show consistent effort—not just say he will.

Assess whether conflict resolution feels safe and constructive. Does every disagreement escalate into defensiveness? Do you feel heard and respected, or do conversations turn into blame-shifting?

Consider your son’s emotional well-being first. Does this relationship give your son a safe and supportive space, or does it introduce new stress?

You didn’t necessarily make a mistake in getting involved with him—but you do need more clarity before committing further. Give yourself the space to watch how things unfold without rushing into a deeper commitment, and most importantly, trust your instincts.

Your son’s well-being matters. If you continue to see signs that your boyfriend struggles to fairly balance both children, that’s something to seriously consider before moving forward.

Sending you strength and clarity as you navigate this. 💙 Would love to hear your thoughts!

anita

* I see that I neglected to edit out the 7th paragraph of the post above, the one starting withpart “our mother’s role in our lives, but she was resistant and invalidating…” 😳