Dear SadSoul:

“It’s quite terrifying feeling so young and then seeing the old woman in the mirror“- who-who-who is looking in the mirror? I don’t.  I look young same way my stove-top looks clean: I turn off the light above it, so I can’t see it. There is more to it though: so, I am slender and I wear those teenage-jeans with holes (not the big kinds), I look down at my legs and I assure you: my legs in-jeans look like 17-year-old legs (true!) and that thrills me. After a whole day of NOT looking in the mirror, and some wine (I know you don’t drink since you stopped smoking, and I am not recommending it, it’s just my thing), I FEEL young and in my mind, I look as I feel.

When I was a teenager and in my 20s- I felt old.

“Absolutely this friendship. I look forward to our typo-sations – my version of our conversation… gave them what they needed… it hurts too much to be rejected or told no…  I see in you standards that are good and firm, you are who you are regardless of who I am… You’d tell me you can help move the cupboard before I asked and you’d tell me I can ask. You’d tell me that if the answer was no it was just no for that day, because you couldn’t be there, but that it is yes for another day“-

– this is the Soul in Sad Soul. No, I couldn’t, wouldn’t betray what you tell me/ show me here.  I won’t reject you, I won’t punish you for asserting yourself. Instead, I will congratulate you for it. I will help you move the cupboards (in a few days, when my right shoulder heals, I hope). And yes, a no will be just for that day.

Sometimes I am inattentive though, make mistakes, but eager to correct them.

“I had written out another reply… about how beautiful people are, young, middle aged, and old… The other lovely girl, with pure white curls…  Her motto was YODO. You only die once. Not YOLO: you only live once“– I was dead most of my life (youth wasted). Now, I am alive, what a delight to be alive.

“these beautiful old girls, beautiful within and without. How sad I feel that our modern generation has turned ageing into something it thinks of as unattractive and undesirable“– this has been my worry, having seen the two 60-year-old scheduled to belly-dance in a month from now. By the way, they- four dancers altogether- are practicing their dance right now on the outdoor stage that I cleaned from heavy-duty bird poop two hours ago. I am not there to see it because I wanted a shower and dinner. But part of me wants to see it.. right now!

“If only people could live forever – or at least till I cark it“– had to google “cark it”- it means (a slang in the UK, Australia, New Zealand): to die. Which reminds me: the other day I came across a British-accent speaking woman who said that over the years of being in the U.S., she toned down her British accent and all the British wordings that U.S. people don’t understand. I told her about your words, like “brekkie” and an immediately look of understanding registered on her face: breakfast, of course.

“I’m sick wah. I’m sure I’ll be fine in a day or so. I hate being sick. I wonder if I can find other words to express how awful being sick is for me, it’s probably nearly as bad as the deadly manflu. Jokes“- had to google “man flu” (I am missing British and American wordings!). I am looking forward to a day or two when you are feeling way, way better!

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Do you have lots of bugs where you are? “- yes.

“I’ve heard peppermint and clove and lavender and tea tree oil help with itching“- I have a lavender bar, I’ll use it, thank you.

“Your shoulder has been playing up for a long while now. Since the play date with the cool lawnmower?”– yes.

“I always go with it sucks getting old“- I feel younger now than when I was a teenager, I am not kidding: younger than when I was a kid!

“PS thank you for giving me human contact. I’ve been feeling alone lately… but if I could have a gift wrapped friendship this one covers it. Understanding, kindness, a few laughs, not demanding; it’s got everything I need and seems to be doing well with the limited amount of watering I can give it“- you are talking about our friendship (I think you are, just wanting to make sure)..?

“Imperfect bellies are really the perfect ones because they have stories to tell“- this is the wittiest thing I ever read on the topic of bellies. I want to pass this belly-witty saying to the belly dancer leader later, and tell you about her response.

“I got some beautiful news today. So very lovely                                   “- evidence that SadSoul does not overshare!

“My head hurts so much… My sore brain“- how are you toda/ this evening???

anita

Dear Chau:

Welcome back! I remember that we communicated for a while, and it was indeed ages ago. You posted today under a different account, so I can’t see our previous communication when I click on your screen name. If you didn’t delete your previous thread and if you don’t mind me re-reading it, can you locate it for me?

“This is just day 3 and I find myself having all sort of thinking and feelings that may/ may not have basis at all“- would you like to elaborate on the thinking and feelings you are referring to here?

“we are a lesbian couple. So I guess there are some suppression here and there“- and would you loke to elaborate on the suppression you are referring to?

anita

Hello again, Mr. A:

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes) This is what you shared about your wife’s intelligence: “her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally… I am sacrificing everything for her – intelligent conversations“. About your intellect: “(I) am in the top quartile of intelligent men“.

You shared that your wife is not smart, not confident, not fit, not energetic and not lively (“I have seen so many confident, fit and smart women…  far more energetic, fit and lively… I understand comparison will only make me sad”).

The only positives you mentioned about her: “a good homemaker- cooks for us and takes care of the house. She also works and does it sincerely… her career“.

The only negative you mentioned about yourself: “My problems are I have limited friends and little social life“.

About your interaction with your wife: ” I have certain expectations of her which I had clearly communicated before marriage as well… I have been complaining about her to her and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a snails pace, but does work in a few areas). But her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally.”

My thoughts this morning (evening in Mumbai): you think so very little of her, too little: that she is inferior to you and inferior to other women, a woman with an inferior intellect that you say cannot be changed. And yet, (1) having had conversations with her before marriage (having had adequate opportunities to learn about her intellect, with your stated superior intellect), you expressed to her your high expectations for a marriage with her, and proceeded to marry her., (2) you want to have a child with her, a child that may inherit her supposed inferior intellect..?

* I am surprised that given her supposed inferior intellect, she manages to have a career, which is more than a job?

I suppose that you have a high dry IQ but not a high emotional- social IQ, and perhaps a low self-esteem to go with it, and that’s why you married a woman you perceive to have an inferior IQ, and why you have limited friends and little social life?

You call her “my wife” but it sounds as if a more accurate term, given your perception of her, would be that inferior, unintelligent, obese woman who is an embarrassment to me.

If I was her, knowing how you thought about my intellect alone, I would want to get away from you as quickly as possible because it’s just too humiliating to be thought of this way, day after day, with no end in sight.

“I have been complaining about her to her, and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a  her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally“-

– I think my suggestion right here is just what you need: improve your emotional-social intelligence.

And set her free, help her get relocated elsewhere, so that she can live with dignity as a non-inferior person. It saddens me how so many people are treated as inferior to others, it creates such an intense emotional pain inside.

In my first reply to you, I mentioned empathy, so I will close this post with empathy: please set her free from the prison of your low opinion of her (this is my empathy for her), and please learn and improve your emotional and social intelligence: there are many books on this topic, as well as workbooks, YouTube videos, courses and such (this is my empathy for you).

anita

Dear SadSoul:

I am not focused enough to read and reply, and I will do it in the morning, but for now, this evening: I happened to sit with a few belly dancers (yes), of 30+year old, all the way to 60+ year old with grey hair, so, the idea is unorthodox: 60+ year od exposing belly. Now, I don’t know if I have the stomach to witness it, and I definitely wouldn’t expose mine for less than .. 100,00 dollars, and I am being conservative. The performance is scheduled for a month from now. I never witnessed a belly dancing performance in real life (seen it in Egyptian movies back in the 70s and not since).

I am conflicted on the matter. The lovely woman who is organizing it says that belly dancing was originally designed by women to facilitate child birth, strengthening the muscles involved. She incorporates bely dancing from different cultures and I committed to help and facilitate the performance a month from now. In my modest naivete, I asked her if the performance will be done indoors, in dim lights (yes, I asked that) and she said it will be done outdoors in the sun, on the stage. So.. 60+ year-old bellies shaking IN FULL SUNLIGHT?

I feel someplace between uncomfortable and bamboozled.

anita

And YOU are delightfully funny!

ania

Dearest Miserably Sick SadSoul:

“I’m trying not to fall into a puddle of guilt… I love chicken soup“- okay, close your eyes because I am going to pour chicken soup (warm, not too hot) on, into and through your head, it will wash away all your guilt out, ready?

(soup on Miserably looking SadSoul face- emoji)

anita